Are gut feelings always accurate?

You have known this guy for a while. At this point you should at least have gotten a general sense of what he is like. Is he truthful? Does he take advantage of people? Does he listen well? The gut feeling of your friends should not be dismissed out of hand, but by this time you should have more to go on.

There is a reason that you sometimes question your own actions, thoughts and ideas. You know deep in your guts that there is something wrong but are reluctant to see or admit it. As you get older you tend to follow your instincts (or gut feelings) more because you come to see through experience that they are usually correct.

You are in such doubt about this guy. Your friends and family are telling you to watch out. Your own gut is telling you that there is something wrong.

Good guys don’t make “jokes” about date rape drugs.

You have already had trouble saying no to this guy about money. Why would you keep yourself in a possibly dangerous situation with regard to your person?

He is bad news. Stop talking to him, stop thinking about him. Get him out of your life.

The question specifically was: How could it be a bad situation like that, if sometimes I want it too?

How can it be a bad situation if you want it too? Well, sometimes we get more than we bargained for or agreed to or thought what we think is exactly what the other person thinks or wants only to find out we were so badly mistaken and this may be one of those times. Your brain is working overtime to tell you that this is a bad idea, find someone else and yet your groin is saying “but I am horny” and you are more willing to follow your groin.

Consider this, God is telling you this is a mistake in so many ways but God also grants you free will. He won’t make you do it but he will let you do it. He tells you there is a Devil and that Satan will tempt you but He expects you to be the one who stands up to the temptation on your own. Does that make sense?

You have had warnings from personal experience, from your family, from your friends, from co-workers and now from complete strangers based on what you have written, all messages from the Divine and yet you are willing to follow the temptations of Satan. How many more way does God have to warn you?

Gut feelings are always about something, and are worth paying attention to. But it can be a mistake to listen to the thinking about the gut feeling and decide it is the truth. But feelings are feelings, not ideas. The feelings are real and are about something… but what that’s all about is a different matter.

“How could it be a bad situation like that, if sometimes I want it too?”

Your knowing you sometimes want something isn’t the same thing as your partner respecting your right to decide, in a specific moment, whether it’s one of those times or not.

Based on his off-the-cuff joke about date rape drugs, the way he kept pressuring you to loan him money you expressly didn’t want to until you finally gave in, and the way it sounds like he uses anger to try and force things his way (or at any rate has lousy control over his temper when things don’t go his way), he isn’t necessarily someone who will respect a “no” when it’s not what he wants to hear. (Whether he’ll try to force the issue anyway, proceed to wear down your defenses, blow up in anger, etc., I don’t know. But none of those sound like a situation I would want to find myself in. And based off your profile of him, all of those outcomes sound at least possible, if not likely.)

I’m sure there are aspects to his personality you really enjoy, and this is perhaps why you’re feeling so conflicted. To that I can only say… That will, probably, almost always be the case. He doesn’t have to be an “bad person” in every respect in order to have temper issues, and/or control issues, and/or be dismissive of others’ feelings when they differ from his own wishes.

You have to decide where your place your boundaries. Personally, I find the temper issues, control issues, and dismissiveness to be red flags. I do not want to be with a partner who can’t manage their emotions productively, or accept that things don’t always go their way, or respect the fact that I have positions that differ from theirs, etc. Especially when their reactions may put me in some kind of danger. He may have other charming qualities—in fact I’m sure he does—but for me, they would not outweigh those red flags.

Based on the fact that this issue keeps troubling you, I would guess that these are red flags for you, too. That doesn’t mean the decision to step away from this relationship might not carry some amount of pain and loss. You are emotionally close to this person to at least some extent. Maybe that’s another reason you’re feeling conflicted. But it also sounds like being with him is causing its own sorts of pain, and is causing you to compromise (again, at least to some extent,) your own sense of what is acceptable in a relationship.

In answer to your original question: No feelings are always accurate. (I have not read the question at all.)

Red alert! Red alert! Red alert! Don’t ever lend money to someone who seems desperate, or who seems angry, or who has anger problems, or who manipulates people’s feelings. He’s done all of those things. Also, don’t have sex with those people, and don’t get involved emotionally with them. You had sex with him once. Don’t do that again. Not even if he asks, or begs you. Run away now!

Run away from this guy now!!! Don’t waste your time wondering about how he might be OK. He’s not. Don’t waste your time wondering if he loves you, or will ever love you. He won’t. He might become obsessed and possessive of you, but this dude doesn’t know what love, or a normal, decent, consenting relationship is.

His charm has you hypnotized. Open your eyes and run!

I’m guessing you are young. Please don’t fall into the trap of getting involved with some guy because you have a “romantic notion” of what love is, or that love should be super dramatic and painful and agonizing. Real love is none of those things. Desperation and drama are all of those things. In the end, desperation and drama get you nothing but pain and sadness, don’t fall for the tricks this guy might play with you. Run away from this dude now. He is a pathetic piece of shit. But I realize that pathetic pieces of shit sometimes seem dreamy to young women. Believe me, I know from first hand experience. Run! Run! Run!

Unless drama is the only thing you are looking for in your life, please walk, run, or drive away from this guy. Then sit yourself down and think about what is really important to you in a relationship. Here are some things to think about if you want a decent relationship, rather than one that can put you in harm’s way: kindness, compassion, shared values, shared life goals, similar interests that allow for the other person to do their thing without being criticized or judged, being loving without being jealous or clingy or judgmental or desperate or mean or having temper tantrums, or being childish.

When I say “do their thing” I do not mean that the other person should be allowed, carte blanche, to be a douche, or an asshole, or to get whatever he/she wants whenever the feeling comes over them, or to talk down to your or anyone else, or to use humor as a weapon.

You need to figure out what reasonable, acceptable behavior is, and don’t compromise that, no matter how “charming” or “attractive” a person might be.

What do you really want in a partner? Do you want to be with someone that you trust, because they have shown you that they are trustworthy? Or do you want someone who is only exciting because you have no idea what they are really like, or really capable of? I hope you realize that decent people can be exciting and interesting and passionate and fun, and that shitty people can give you the illusion (or the idea in your own mind, only) that they are interesting and full of life, but if they aren’t decent people, then you are screwed.

Just trying to save you some grief now, rather than having to learn it the hard way, by allowing yourself to get involved with some piece of shit, because that piece of shit has you conned into believing that he is awesome (he’s not). Also, you are probably not the first young woman who he has conned, and you won’t be the last.

Hard way is rape or him knocking up a girl.