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spadeladon's avatar

Why after so long does my fianc'e/girl friend still not want to have sex?

Asked by spadeladon (17points) January 3rd, 2009

Hm. a month, five months, six months… Guys I have been waiting a year and five and a half months. It has been causing such incredible amounts of stress. I love this girl and have no intentions of leaving her ever. We have planned our futures together, named our children, set out a path for our dreams. Designed our perfect home. Fought till tears blinded my eyes (of course i try not to let her see that lol) made up. (of course i am always wrong… except those occasional times) We have come so close, so many times. We have been physical so many other ways. (no oral or anal) We have compromised on everything possible. We have been through so much together, and yet she is not ready for sex. We are both virgins there is no background of betrayal. We love each other to the ends of infinity. She tells me she is comfortable enough, and trusts me enough to have sex with me. I ask if i am not attractive enough, and she laughs at me in response and tells me that is definitely not it. She has Dreams about us having sex. But she says she is not ready. Her body tells her yes, but she forces her mind to say no. I don’t understand. She gives me mixed signals, pulling me in every direction. Tormenting me from moment to moment. Some nights i cry myself to sleep, softly of course. I have been patient for this long, and still i wait. But my heart can’t take this much more. My mind is raging with questions. I have even become depressed it feels. What is wrong with me, if she loves me, if she trusts me, if shes comfortable. I know it isn’t because i’m ugly, because it definitely isn’t so. She knows i trust her,I love her, and she is one of the very few people i feel comfortable around. Her dreams indicate the want, her body, and heart do too. So some one please tell me why she isn’t ready?

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56 Answers

DrasticDreamer's avatar

It could be a number of reasons and there’s nothing anyone on this site can tell you, other than to talk to her about it personally. Your question indicates that you’ve only barely scratched the surface in actually trying to talk to her about it.

It could be that she wants to wait until you’re actually married, it could be that she’s worried she’ll suck horribly or it could be something that none of us here could even think of.

What you have to do is sit down with her when both of you are in your most relaxed, calm states and put it all out on the table. Tell her how you’re feeling, from your heart. Be sure to remain calm and open, otherwise the conversation will go right out the window. Once you’ve told her how you feel, ask her how she feels. Ask her what her worries are, if any, and tell her you’re completely okay with her being 100% honest. Just be there for each other and all should end well.

Good luck.

Rememberme's avatar

hold out buddy, try, very hard to put it out of mind. When you are least excepting it, she will get the urge.
or does she plan on waiting till marriage

spadeladon's avatar

Well i have tried to talk to her about it before, but she gets mad. I am calm and respectful, but she gets irritated and just says, i don’t know, i am not ready. If i try to push further for an explanation, she gets upset. She doesn’t want to wait till marriage. And we don’t plan on marrying for a few years, at least until we are both out of school. I am on year ahead of her, but a year and a half older. I have tried so hard to hold out, but it is getting the best of me. I can feel myself almost breaking into sections, almost like i am getting angry, but then i get angry at myself for getting angry about no sex. and then i just get bumbed out and extremely irritable.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@spade: If it’s not too personal of a question, may I ask how old you are? It might help me in giving you better advice.

DrBill's avatar

The first thing that jumps out at me is that you did not say how old either of you are, that could have a lot to do with it. You need to consider her feelings, if you push too hard, you may end up pushing her away.

Give her the time she wants, it will be worth it.

jessturtle23's avatar

Her name isn’t Donna Martin, is it?

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Okay. Well, I still can’t say for sure why she’s choosing not to have sex right now, but it might help knowing that I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 (and I’m female).

I wanted to be absolutely positive that I was in love before I had sex because it was my personal preference. After I made sure of that, I personally had to reach a place within myself where I was comfortable enough to express myself sexually. I had done other things, like you and your fiance, but when it came to the idea of actually having sex, a part of me was terrified for many different reasons. Being naturally shy didn’t help me along, either.

If she loves you and you love her – which I’m sure is the case – you simply have to extend your patience. When she’s ready, she will make it clear to you. It will happen eventually but she needs to come to terms, in her own mind, with all of her feelings.

I remember that when I was finally ready to have sex with my partner, he actually said “no” the first time I wanted to, but only because he knew it was that important to me. He wanted me to be sure about my decision, which actually made me realize he knew where I was coming from and respected my wishes, which I thought was awesome of him.

I still suggest trying to talk to her about it again. Don’t make it seem like you’re asking to try and find out when you will have sex, but that you’re asking because you’re reinforcing the fact that you love her and are very willing to wait. It’s the only thing you can do.

spadeladon's avatar

but she makes so confusing. At times she will push me down and tell me to wait before i leave, then jump on top of me and thrust. She then proceeds to passionately kiss me, then just pulls away as if nothing happend. So does that help explain any incredible confusion? and when i ask about it she just says, “oh i’m sorry i didn’t mean for that. i just wanted to kiss you and then i did that cause i don’t know?” it is mentally driving me insane. and physically breaking me down. my body is confused, it doesn’t want to do. its killing me.

Rememberme's avatar

How long have you been dating?

spadeladon's avatar

1 year and nearly 6 months

PupnTaco's avatar

You’re still young. It’s OK.

seekingwolf's avatar

Her reaction to you asking her/trying to talk about it shows that she is not ready for it yet. Just like she said “I am not ready.” I understand that you may be, but she may need to do a lot of soul-searching and thinking before she’s ready. Losing one’s virginity can be a VERY big deal to people, especially women, since our virginity is seen as more important than a man’s by society. I lost my virginity when I was 18 (almost 19) to my boyfriend but we had been together for quite some time and I had done a LOT of thinking. It takes time!

She may be feeling a lot of stress right now…the mixed signals to you are a sign of her inner conflict and her deciding. Just remember that with these mixed signals, she is still deciding and you need to let them roll off your shoulder and continue to wait.

The best thing you can do is to keep doing what you’re doing…waiting. Try to stop pressuring her to talk/ask her about it…that adds more stress to her. Just enjoy your time with her, let her know that you’re there, and with time, she will be ready.

Rememberme's avatar

Perhaps you could set clear boundaries, such as her not touching you below the belt or sitting on your lap… it might be less frustrating for you.

spadeladon's avatar

i have asked, but she sees it as kidding, even when i tell her its not a joke. when it comes to her i am a complete pushover and give in to whatever she wants after a while. I have asked her not to tease me. I know it is difficult for her, but it is no picnic for me either. especialy because i am ready. she may be unsure but i am not. and doing what she does to me drives me crazy. I try other outlets such as hugging but she doesn’t like to hug, she prefers to cuddle which always leads to something. i do not know. i have set boundaries before, and it just doesn’t work.

augustlan's avatar

I don’t mean to sound flippant, but I’ve nothing to add to others good ideas above except this: Masturbation will help relieve your frustation. Do it. A lot.

galileogirl's avatar

Your answer is in your question “fiancee/girlfriend”. If you don’t know, how can she? Ask her to marry you, set a date and then you’ll know when you’ll be having sex.

galileogirl's avatar

And don’t count on anal even then. The girl evidently has boundaries lol

Trustinglife's avatar

Dude, thanks for checking out this site to see what kind of help you get here.

In college, I dated a woman for 2+ years and never wanted to have sex with her. I loved her, but knew she wasn’t the one, and I didn’t want to complicate things further emotionally by having sex. Faulty thinking maybe, but that’s what I needed, and I was so grateful she respected that.

What I’m hearing for you is that you are at wit’s end. You can’t take it anymore. What I’d suggest you do is to sit her down and tell her this is a serious issue FOR YOU.

So far, it sounds like you have made the conversations all about her – when she’s ready, why she isn’t, etc. It’s time to be a man and share your feelings. Deeply, intimately, vulnerably. Tell her how crazy this situation is making you feel. Tell her how it drives you bonkers – in a bad way – when she jumps you. Tell her how important this is to you. How much you love her, but that you’re getting desperate.

You aren’t sharing your feelings. That’s where the roadblock is. She doesn’t know how you feel.

Sharing your feelings might not necessarily get you sex any sooner. But it will bring you closer. You will feel less burdened and agonized – relieved. (And she’ll be a lot less likely to jump you when you don’t want it.) Have the conversation, let us know how it goes. Good luck.

Perchik's avatar

You need to be able to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend. Sit her down and tell her it’s serious. Explain to her that a guy’s needs for sex are different than a girls needs. In a monogamous relationship, she’s the only one that can fulfill those needs. If anyone else does it, it’s cheating. I think you should still wait until she’s ready, don’t try to manipulate her into having sex, but at least tell her how hard it is for you to handle her mixed signals. Maybe she just doesn’t realize she’s teasing you so much. I’m going to echo every answer here by saying you have to talk to her.

Cardinal's avatar

Maybe she just has some morals and thinks sex should be saved for marriage.

oasis's avatar

Put some romantic music on,have a candle lit bacon sandwich for two.mmmmmmmmmhhhhhh
Hell, what more does one require out of a relationship?

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

She’s not going to have sex before marriage. Either you respect that, or you move on. Manipulating someone into having sex when they don’t want to makes for a lousy experience for both of you. And getting married just to have sex is never a good idea in the long run.

Cold showers.

laureth's avatar

Let’s say you have sex, the protection fails (you would use protection, right?), and worse comes to worst – she gets pregnant.

You don’t want a kid? You can bugger off and pretend you never knew her. Lots of guys do that every day, all over the world.

She doesn’t want a kid? She still has to go through the body-hurting effects of an abortion, or the body-hurting effects of a pregnancy. She can either sign off on the baby and give it up for adoption and always wonder what could’ve been, or she’ll be raising a child for eighteen-plus years.

The cost/benefit ratio for sex is worse for the female. Always has been, always will be.

As such, women have evolved to be a little more cautious about having sex than men are. Evolutionarily, men have very little invested in sex – they make lots of sperm, the better to spread their genes far and wide. Women make one precious egg per month, and have significant parental investment. A guy’s aim is to impregnate as many young, fertile women as possible to further the species, a woman’s aim is to have kids with the highest quality male available, to further the species. If you’re the sort that doesn’t believe in evolution, you can substitute it with “God made them that way.”

As cold and scientific as all of this sounds, it’s been built into our society (men who screw around are hero studs, women who screw around are sluts) and in our animal brain, no matter how much we love the person.

So, she’s just a little more sexually reticent than you are. It’s the way she evolved, or possibly the way God made her. And it’s hard to argue against either of those. When she’s ready to play that particular game of Russian Roulette with her body to show that she loves you, she’ll let you know for real. And until then, like guys have done through the ages, you’ll just have to wait – and try to appear to be the best quality male around, so she’ll want to potentially breed with you. Even though women have a higher penalty when things go wrong (or “go right,” evolutionarily speaking), they still eventually want to further the species, too.

inoffensive's avatar

though one. quite the force field you got there. let me be blunt: she’s scared. for some reason (i’m not gonna speculate on what) she doesn’t seem to be able to let go. it’s quite the predicamente because you can’t really force the issue. no means no. try and have a serious conversation and try and figure out why she feels that way (the causes i mean) and work around them together. or maybe you guys just need the right mood. two bottles of wine, a fancy dinner, candle light, score. this is a though one… good luck. =)

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@spadeladon, perhaps you should ask her parents this question…

I’m sure underage sex = potential pregnancy = bye-bye college. Which equates to sex with boyfriend = no future.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@inoffensive, they’re 18 and 19 years old. Fancy dinner, bottle of wine isn’t going to happen.

Judi's avatar

Is there a spiritual reason why she may not be ready?

Perchik's avatar

@alf 18 isn’t underage

Judi's avatar

to drink it is (in most places)

inoffensive's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock, 18 and 19? christ, totally missed that one.

wundayatta's avatar

Speculation about her reasons is useless. Asking her also appears to be useless. She doesn’t know. You can, and should, tell her how it affects you. I hope she can listen without getting defensive. Maybe you should start by saying you’re not asking her anything, but you just want enough time to tell her what your feelings are.

In then, though, I don’t think anything will change. So you have to decide. Live with it, or leave the relationship.

Trance24's avatar

Spade I have a friend he was with a girl for almost three years, and they were both in love. Both virgins such as you, but she did not want to have sex. Three years he waited, and still nothing. They ended up splitting because of college. Regardless of that they were still very much in love but splitting was the best choice. Anyways he waited because he loved her if they had stayed together it most likely would have happened, sometimes we just aren’t ready. If you truly love her just wait I know it hard, but when it finally happens it will be the best thing to ever happen all that suppressed passion will finally let lose. Trust me it will be much more exciting.

tessa's avatar

19 is young. And sex is an important and exciting thing. If your girlfriend is waiting for religious reasons, that is one thing. But since you don’t know why, I guess that is not the reason. Here’s the truth, you may not be with your girlfriend forever. You WILL fall in love again. If you sit down and talk to your girlfriend about how you are feeling and she isn’t responsive to your needs (not as in agrees to have sex immediatly, but opens up about it and communicates with you) , then you might want to move on. Your girlfriend sounds very immature and a bit manipulative. You have been very patient and kind to her, but she can’t respect your request to not sit on your lap and and get you aroused. As you have respected her, she needs to respect you. She sounds confused.
This isn’t just about sex, don’t be afraid to address the subject as something serious and something you have a right to understand.
There is so much stigma in our culture about guys wanting sex that sometimes I imagine guys feel like they can’t even address the subject for fear of pressuring their girlfriends into something. Don’t be shy or ashamed of your needs. They are legitimate and you have proved yourself a respectful boyfriend.
Good luck!!

spadeladon's avatar

Well i did talk to her, and now feel terrible. She feels guilty that she is doing this to me, and that tears me up. That was not my intention. As for the sitting on me issue, She said she thought i liked it. Which don’t get me wrong, i do, but it makes me want so much more and kills me. She nearly cried, and all i could do was comfort her because i hate to see her in any pain… especially caused by me.

tessa's avatar

I’m sorry to hear that. Relationships can be hard. But it is important you don’t feel you have to do something, or not do something, because you don’t want to hurt her. At least now it is out in the open and the two of you can work together to get through this. Don’t feel bad for making her sad, it will happen many more times :-)

Trustinglife's avatar

@Spade, that was a courageous thing to do. Way to go.

I hear you that her feeling guilty is tearing you up inside. But the thing is, her feeling guilty is her responsibility. I hope you made it clear that you definitely don’t want to guilt her into having sex with you. If you were clear about that, and simply expressing how her actions make you feel – that’s all you can do. Her guilt is hers. You are responsible for what you say and how you say it. Let her have her own experience. All you can do is your part. And it seems to me like you did your part very well.

Again, I’m impressed that you went and did it. It takes a big man to share his feelings – a courageous man.

spadeladon's avatar

Well, i don’t know i feel like maybe that pressured her a bit too. She said yea it’s annoying to hear it, but she understands it affects me. and we try to make compromises.

Trustinglife's avatar

Gotcha. Well, you can always go back and tell her you really don’t want her to feel pressured at all – if that’s true for you. This sounds like it was a big communication, but it can be ongoing.

Have you really determined how much of a dealbreaker this is for you? Are you frustrated but patient? Or are you frustrated and fed up, seriously thinking about throwing in the towel? That could be part of why she feels pressured. Your clarity about this – first with you, then in telling her – will probably help her relax, or get clear for herself what’s true for her.

galileogirl's avatar

This thread has developed the aroma of Ick the troll

spadeladon's avatar

well i am frustrated, but patient. and i assured her of that. but she called me back about 10 min. after i posted just to tell me she loves me multiple times. which definitely is nice to hear.

seekingwolf's avatar


Are you referring to the OP?

Honestly, I’m not sure. In reading his responses, I am reminded of a boyfriend I used to have and he was extremely emotional (almost to a fault) and was in the same position as the OP. Nothing happened, I ended up leaving, and later had to get a restraining order to stop the calls, but I sincerely hope that spadeladon fares better. I believe he will. My situation was HIGHLY unusual and he was 2 years younger than me, but it felt like 10 sometimes. (ugh!)

@spadeladon It sounds like your relationship is very intense. Is she your first true girlfriend, perhaps even love? I caution you, be careful. It’s so easy to get so attached and then if the relationship ends, it can take you a long time to pick the pieces. Always make sure to have your space sometimes, friends, and own interests and don’t make her your world. You never know what will happen in the future, and besides, a little breathing room is important for a relationship to be healthy!

Trustinglife's avatar

@SW, what’s the OP?

augustlan's avatar

Original poster.

galileogirl's avatar

When a whole drama is being played out and the OP is adding to the story to push it forward, what does that sound like?

Trustinglife's avatar

Wow. Sounds honest to me.

galileogirl's avatar

WC Fields said there was one born every minute

Mizuki's avatar

Dude, I’d date around a little bit. For your own sanity if nothing else. You may find someone whose desires match your own.

It is insane to wait and waste so much time on one person. A friend of mine waited 3 years for this girl at church, and later found out that the WHOLE TIME she was doing someone else, I know you cannot fathom that, but it does not mean it could not be happening.

Perchik's avatar

@mizuki Patience is a virtue. If you love someone, waiting isn’t a big deal… Yes the case you cited is sad, but it’s definitely not the norm. If she wants to wait to have sex, that doesn’t mean she’s having sex with someone else.

Mizuki's avatar

Perchik—she is f****** someone else!

Perchik's avatar

How do you know that? The only way you could say that as a fact is if you know spadeladon and are having sex with his woman.

They’re young. It’s her first time. She’s not sleeping with someone else.

seekingwolf's avatar


While I can see the sad scenario happening within slightly older couples, I doubt it’s happening her. she’s quite young (18) and by the sounds of it, their relationship is very tight, almost overbearing…I don’t see HOW she could possibly cheat.

The one thing spadeladon needs to make sure of is that she’s not “waiting around for someone better”. Why do I say this? Because I did it myself, as well as my friends. I dated a couple of guys during my high school years and NEVER slept with them because I didn’t love them that much. This could very well be her reason, but hey, I don’t know…I’m just throwing that possibility out there.

wundayatta's avatar

I concur with seeking and perchik. Mizuki’s take is a red herring.

JTS's avatar

Damn the same exact stuff is going on with me as well! But only she isnt a virgin. We have been together for just about a year and still continues to tease me every day and she is always talking about me and her having sex how much fun it would be and so on….it drives me crazy and i know exactly what your going through!

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