General Question

nikipedia's avatar

Have you ever been interested in or involved with someone who was interested in S&M?

Asked by nikipedia (27726points) July 12th, 2009

A friend of mine recently estimated that interest in S&M is way more common than most people think. I would say that in my dating history of roughly 8 years I have only encountered two people who were into it (spaced apart by 3 years), so it seems relatively uncommon to me.

How common has it been in your experience? Is anyone out there into it? If so, why? How did you get interested in it? Can you go through an S&M phase and then lose interest in it? Is the general consensus that this is a normal interest, or is it an indicator that someone might be emotionally unhealthy? Is anyone willing to just generally talk about their experiences with it?

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67 Answers

Darwin's avatar

I briefly dated one guy who liked his women to cry and so he hit them. I dropped him like a hot potato. Otherwise, no, I have never run into anyone who was into S&M, or at least said something about it to me.

Perhaps your friend is simply trying to normalize their interests?

Jack79's avatar

nope, neither…had a gf who was sort of kinky, but not that much.

marinelife's avatar

I once picked up a paperback book as one of a stack and was amazed to discover an entire genre I did not know existed: paperback S&M romance. Euuuuuuwwwwwww!

That made me suspect that it was much more common than I would ever have imagined. (Or how would publishers make money on it?)

The way the book was written and my visceral reaction to it made me think that people who enjoy the range of practices known as S&M have some coded ways of putting that out in early social interaction and of recognizing each other. In dating, I never got to that point with an S&M person that they would have revealed themselves or I never dated one.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

I have dated one girl that was into that type of stuff. Nothing TOO crazy (some hitting, light choking, just generally being “dominated”).... Most/many girls I have been with were into some kind of kinky/S+M-ish stuff (hair pulling being the most common). Spankings, etc.

It’s kinda fun. I would say it’s probably more common than you think (and I could believe it goes in phases), but I don’t think it’s like a silent majority of people or anything.

Thammuz's avatar

As far as i know it is really common.

I, for one, do enjoy bondage, master-slave roleplay and candlewax. I don’t think that qualifies me as S&M because i don’t actually like to give or recieve pain (except the heat of molten paraffine, which is enjoyable, to me) but in the broadest sense (the common one) i do have an interest for that area of sexuality.

Facade's avatar

I may kick myself for engaging in this convo but I love the whole domination thing. But no needles and bruises please and thank you.

Thammuz's avatar

@Marina: i can’t speak for everybody, but i know that i wouldn’t reveal this passion of mine (which is really SOFT shit compared to some people i know) until way into the relationship. It’s something people generally frown upon, and many are really disgusted by it (as my present girlfriend, and you can’t imagine how deeply that hurts me, since it’s not something i can choose not to like) and it can alienate your interactions with some people. I’m lucky that my friends aren’t judgemental so i can be open about it.
Furthermore you can’t practice any kind of bondage/S&M without complete trust in your partner so you have to build a strong relationship before thinking of introducing that element to the mix.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I guess it depends on your definition. Niki, maybe your friend had a very broad definition of it, such as the occasional spank, hair pull, or using a riding crop or handcuffs. I feel like those are just fun things to change it up, but some people would call them S&M. I mean, I don’t know about everyone, but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal when we play light S&M games, where one person is in control and the other has to do what they say. It’s all in good fun. Maybe if that’s the only thing that would get the person off, I would say they might want to look into why that is, but in moderation, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all, or that it’s any kind of “indicator” (other than an indicator of having a good sex life ;-) )

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I know plenty of people in S&M, people in the queer community are just more open about their sexual practices, well here in NY anyway…I don’t practice myself…

ubersiren's avatar

Without revealing too much, a friend and I have discussed this and we both expressed interest in the mild version. Light stuff. Level 1. Much like @westy81585 has described. Don’t judge me.

kevbo's avatar

@Thammuz, there’s a fantastic episode of “Cheaters” about a guy who ends up stepping out on his wife because he needs the BDSM action.

I’m not very creative, but my gf likes the light stuff. She probably likes the medium stuff, too.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I think the light stuff is extremely common. I like my hair to be pulled, but I don’t really think of that as S&M. I mean… Would it be, technically? I’m not even sure. My reason for liking it isn’t because it causes pain, but because it portrays to me how much someone wants me. If it got to the point of being painful or if I thought someone was doing it to control me, it would stop being enjoyable. Handcuffs? Never tried it, but I like the idea. Again, it’s not so much a submissive or dominant thing for me – it’s more about being driven to the point of wanting to touch someone, but not being able to do so. Finally, I imagine, when the cuffs are released, it would be that much more steamy.

All in all, the light stuff doesn’t bother me. It’s when you start getting hardcore that, sorry to admit, it does start to bother me and I do question whether or not someone has serious issues. I’ve heard of those relationships where, in every aspect – not just sexually – one of the people is treated like a slave. How can someone get off on something like that? And the person causing the hurt, getting off for that reason? Yeah… Sorry… That’s extremely fucking bizarre and creepy.

marinelife's avatar

@Thammuz I completely understand and agree with what you are saying about trust. I should have realized that would apply here as well.

I also believe that anything two consenting folks do is perfectly OK and their business. I am sorry that your girlfriend is not open to your needs.

I think what got to me about the particular book I mentioned was that it did involve inflicting pain and domination. Having experienced abuse, I do not find it sexy.

monsoon's avatar

It seems like if there was a weird sexual thing you were into, you’d need to be with some one else into it. Especially if that’s the main way you got off… That would suck.

“Would you be willing to step on my gnads with heels? Yes? Okay, then let’s get to know each other.”

ratboy's avatar

I’ve been so very, very naughty—I think I deserve a spanking.

DrBill's avatar

I did a survey in college, we asked 21,482
The people who said they had at least once, 12,763

That makes the margin 59.4% have tried it at least once.

jamielynn2328's avatar

I have a slight fetish towards this kind of thing. I like to be tied up during sex. Of course I blame my religious upbringing, which I blame for a lot of things. I was taught sex was a dirty thing, so maybe I feel I can only enjoy it if it is forced on me. Not sure.

I also always wanted to be the person in peril when playing cops and robbers when I was young. I wanted to be the one that was tied up, or put in jail, or needed to be rescued. As I watch my kids play, they have a tendency to want to play that role also and I wonder if it is a genetic thing.

I’m not into the giving or receiving pain, although I am fascinated by the concept. If both of the adults are consenting, then more power to the pain, it’s just not my thing at all.

I’ve always wanted to figure out why I have a fetish, I know that I can’t help it, and don’t every really share it with anyone except the people I sleep with…Which for now is just my husband. He is fine with it, as long as it is doesn’t take over our “normal” sex.

benjaminlevi's avatar

It would be cool to have a partner who was into S&M because it would be a great way to learn many knots.

cwilbur's avatar

I think there are a lot more people into power exchange than will admit it, and I think there are considerably more who are into the trappings—leather, “sir,” etc.,—than are actually into power exchange.

Like a lot of aspects of sex, power exchange isn’t healthy or unhealthy in and of itself—it’s the attitude and the approach that determine that. It’s certainly possible to explore it for unhealthy reasons, but it’s also possible to build a very deep level of trust and intimacy with it.

Resonantscythe's avatar

As far as I know the “light” stuff is fairly common. My ex loved to be bitten, held down, spanked, and would almost “finish early” when she asked me to choke her. the one time she kept insisting me to squeeze harder. I saw her start to get sleepy and let go, freaked a bit, but she grabbed me and gave me this big, wild kiss.

Facade's avatar

Choking is dangerous and I will never do it again :|

dannyc's avatar

My lawyer during my divorce….

filmfann's avatar

I have had several gf’s who enjoyed B&D and/or S&M.
I didn’t mind helping them enjoy whatever they liked, but it always freaked me out a little when something along these lines came up during first time sex. I always thought that should be vanilla, and sometimes girls would want to play out rape scenarios or something. I would always ask myself “I wonder what they will ask when they feel REALLY comfortable with me?”

cookieman's avatar

I know plenty of people into M.

Not so much the S.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I’ve known a few girls that were really into it, had a thing with one. but a lot of the girls I’ve dated have been into a certain ‘soft core’, for lack of a better phrase, aspect or another.

augustlan's avatar

A little bit of pain can make the pleasure that much sweeter. ;)
I’m talking a light pinch or nibble, a hair pull, a tap on the ass.

I read The Story of O years ago, and was both fascinated and repelled by the world in it’s pages.

prude's avatar

I’ve had 3 serious relationships involving s&m, what fun;)

CMaz's avatar

I live the Life Style. If she is not on the same page as me. No fun and no connection.

For me, it brings a much closer connection and relationship.
It is not all about leather boots, and dungeons.

boffin's avatar

Spaniards and Mexicans…

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

@ChazMaz it’s all about the dungeons man.

CMaz's avatar

They would call you a newbie. Not to say they are not “interesting” (the dungeons). But if it is about getting your rocks off, you miss the point. That is why it is called a lifestyle. :-)

More to it then that. Though there are plenty that, that is all it is about to them. I tend to stay away from those individuals.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

lol it was more or less just a set up line for the ridiculous comic strip to be honest.

Thammuz's avatar

@ChazMaz What’s wrong with dungeons? I like dungeons…

CMaz's avatar

Nothing wrong with dungeons. I never said there was. But, you have to see the big picture. Not just the titillation’s that are a small part of it.

Thammuz's avatar

@prude ya really

@ChazMaz oh, ok got it.

prude's avatar

@Thammuz so just going and looking or taking part?

Thammuz's avatar

Neither, unfortunately, but i do like it

jca's avatar

i am a straight woman. i like to feel like i’m dominated, but i am not into pain or being humiliated or being a slave or anything like that. nor am i into inflicting pain on others. i am into the doctor/patient fantasy, being dominated in that way (being on a doctor’s table, maybe restrained). i have asked myself where this came from, and i’m not sure. i know when i was little my mom had the book “our bodies our selves” which showed doctor stuff and it was very fascinating to me. that may have something to do with it. i don’t tell this to many people that i know, because i’m afraid that they’ll think i’m weird.

Thammuz's avatar

@jca If you have a boyfried TELL HIM. Males like that shit.

prude's avatar

agreed. I think it would be more beneficial to you in the long run if you tell your b/f.

Clair's avatar

Unfortunately, no. Nothing I would actually consider S&M.

prude's avatar

@Clair hard to go back to a “regular” relationship after feeling that type of intimacy, isn’t it?

Piper_Brianmind's avatar

I once dated a girl who was into being electrocuted. Needless to say, floggers and rope were appreciated too. I’ve been told I should be a dominatrix. I wouldn’t mind being on the receiving end every once in a while either, though.

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

BDSM Lurve @prude

Real understanding of BDSM Lurve @ChazMaz

trailsillustrated's avatar

meh in the end its just another boring prop.

wildpotato's avatar

Yes, we’re both interested. But when put into practice, things like games and roleplaying just made us laugh. We’d like to try it but can’t get over feeling ridiculous when we do.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I pooped a hammer

gottamakeart's avatar

hitting is an act of HATE as far as I’m concerned. I can’t see any excuse or need for it. Even though I have been around fetishists, and consider myself quite liberal. I’d rather just have to wash myself off after , not tend to cuts and bruises.

prude's avatar

@gottamakeart bdsm rarely involves making a fist and beating the shit out of someone.
It is a form of intimacy where one puts total trust in another and the effects are felt sexually.
also, there is much more than just one type of fetish, one type of s&m, one type of bdsm. there are actually many different types and when 2 (sometimes more) find each other that match, it is an incredibly beautiful thing

Noel_S_Leitmotiv's avatar

@Prude gets it. GA

Thammuz's avatar

I second what @prude said

MissAnthrope's avatar

I come late to this game, but yes. I’ve always been interested in BDSM; I’ve thought many times about the point at which I was first introduced to it and/or became interested in it, and I honestly can’t tell. It seems like I’ve always been interested in it. Like jamielynn2328, I always wanted to be the “person in distress” in games growing up, the kidnapped princess, the prisoner, etc. and it was always better if I was bound. It kind of turned me on, to be truthful, though at the time I had no idea what that feeling was or meant.

So, because it’s an interest, I did all the reading I could on it. I’ve just never met “the perfect” top for me. I have introduced at least three girlfriends to the BDSM world, and all of them ended up liking it way more than they ever anticipated. I hope one day to meet a naturally dominant woman who is interested in both dating and topping me. :D

marionef's avatar

Was engaged to a guy who was into that, even though he denied it at first. Considering his magazine collection on the topic I didn’t believe him. I didn’t find out about it until 7–8 months into the relationship. I let him know right away that it wasn’t something I was interested in and he didn’t seem to have a problem with that.

phil196662's avatar

Yes- the Wife and I are in a BDSM- Edgeplay Open Switch Marriage…

Response moderated
phil196662's avatar

@RebeccaSJ ; Talking about it is good, hugging and having him Pinch, rub & tickle your sides making you squirm is the beginning. If those things kinda make you desire More then your starting to Crave- then just have him nibble your neck while over you holding your arms so you can make noises as he Does Things!

Just_Justine's avatar

I have. I have been a Mistress and I have also been a sub. I was never a slave. It was great. But I rejected the lifestyle for many reasons. The first being that true BDSM is a 24/7 thing. It is a deep psychological play that takes a lot of time energy and commitment which I didn’t have the time for. However it is still a part of who I am. It is not something you can just say “Oh I fancy that idea”. Its more like an identification thing, meaning you can spot Dommes and so on by way of recognition hard to explain. I also rejected the lifestyle because there are too many fakes around meaning they think its a game and want to get off, without doing all the hard prep work, meaning reading up about it etc., Anyway long story good question. And no its not unhealthy.

phil196662's avatar

@Just_Justine ; it depends on if you want to make it fun and pleasurable with those involved. The wife and I have been into bdsm for many years and incorporate foreplay into our routine to make it our own. We are switch and have gone all the way to edgeplay, something that tests the trust between two committed people. The wife tells me she has never had bigger or a greater quantity of orgasms ever! We pretty much top and bottom and usually the bottom stops because they are exhausted and even twitching from the intensity.

If it’s a part of you then keep looking for someone to share with.

Draconess25's avatar

I’m extremely masochistic, but it goes beyond sexuality for me. I just like pain.

By the way, this question was asked a day before my b-day last year.

phil196662's avatar

@Draconess25 ; Understand totally… With our close friends the wife and I often share time that includes surrender in order to visit a place where the body travels to a deep level such as you describe.

tigerlilly2's avatar

I dated a guy for three years who was really into it. I went for being tied down and soft things such as that, but when he wanted to be hit and have intense physical pain given to him by me, I just couldn’t do it. I also couldn’t gain pleasure from him hurting me in any way, but I was molested several times as a child so I probably have underlying issues that cause me to feel repulsed by it. To each their own I guess.

Coloma's avatar

No, but, I did have a guy I was really interested in reveal he liked to cross dress, uh..sorry, that just KILLS it for me. No offense to the cross dressing community but…this girl does NOT want to see her guy in pink, frilly garter belts and thongs and bras. :-/

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