What are the psychological effects on a those who grew up without a mother and/or father?

At the end of this article there are several links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single-parent

I don’t have any personal experience.

I don’t think there are any, really. I had psychological effects from losing my father (he died when I was 11) but really not from finishing growing up without him, other than missing him. If I’d never known him, or if he’d died before I was born, I think I’d have some sadness, but most of the actual effects I have are a result of his loss, not his absence. I may be having trouble articulating what I mean… does that make sense?

Does this mean a single or no parent household, or does this mean someone with, say, two moms?

Well, I am the 7th of 9 children and my mother died from breast cancer when I was only 2 years old. I think that her death affected my siblings in different ways. The older kids in my family experienced the pain of actually experiencing what it was like to have a loving mother, and then have it taken away from them. The youngest kids in my family (me, my older brother, and my younger sister) experienced the pain of not really knowing what it was like to have a mother. I know that for one of my older brothers, the loss of my mother had a huge effect on him emotionally. To this day, he has a very difficult time expressing emotion to anyone. He rarely tells anybody that he loves them, except for his wife. As for me, I have yet to discover the effects of not having a mother… To go along with @fireinthepriory I think that experiencing the absence of a parent have different effects than experiencing the loss of a parent….

I hope that made sense…

@Drawkward it includes someone with two moms, two dads…

I don’t think there is psychological damage as much as their is just missed opportunity. My dad was separated from my mom for most of my life and what I missed was all the things he could have taught me that I had to learn on my own. I had to learn to hit a baseball from my coach.. which sounds reasonable.. but not as good as if a father figure was there teaching you as well. I had to learn how to put on football pads by fellow junior high students who mocked me for not knowing how already. I had to figure out the hard way that you have to boil a mouth-guard and shape it to your teeth instead of just wearing it out of the package.

There are hundreds of small things that I had to learn on my own. Learning this way strengthens a person.. but I still believe that the alternative is better in the long run.

@jmah I don’t think there would be any psychological drawback to being raised with two moms or two dads as opposed to being raised with a mom and a dad. Here is an interesting NY Times article about it. In fact, some research points to there being some benefits to it, interestingly enough.

Being raised in a single-parent household with no parental “loss” per se, I think would also be just fine – although any economic drawbacks due to a single income would effect the child. Not in terms of parenting, though.

there are two option 1 the child becomes a bad person for the society
2 the child becomes more creative,smarter,more motivated etc.
What the child will become is totally up to him.
As an example I can give you my example:before my dad left I was a total normal 5-year old.After that I started to change:smarter,motivated,creative etc.I also started to understand how the humans work.Now(9 years later) I’m a middle school student which has prizes at national physics contest which waits for the 9th grade when I’ll be able to participate at the international olympiad for physics..

As far as having two Dads or two Moms… I think there are some problems there.
But I don’t want to get into that here as there are numerous other threads on the subject.

Suffice it to say that homosexuality still doesn’t make sense to me even from a biological standpoint.

Knowing several people that grew up with two parent households that are same gender I can say the psychological affects do not revolve around gender of parents. In fact they are some of my more intelligent, empathetic, and well-adjusted friends.

Now having one parent in general has been shown in studies to lead to some psychological and behavior affects in children. Personally I grew up with divorced parents. I spent time with both for awhile but eventually my father dropped out of the picture. I’m not sure I can identify psychological effects from that but I can testify to an unstable household that may have had more stability if there were two parents present.

After the twins were born, my parents started having problems, perhaps because of the increased financial burden of so many kids. In my opinion, my father couldn’t take the pressure and left. He worked off the books, so he was able to get away with paying a negligible amount of child support. I was 9 years old at the time, but I didn’t really react to their situation until a couple of years later, when I just decided to stop going to school. I wasn’t a model student at the time (that came later), but I was well-behaved and average. Something snapped in me at 11 years old; I started to feel a dread about going to school and started making up stomach aches and the like to avoid going. Shortly after, I flat out refused to go to school. I just wanted to stay home.

That got sorted out with social workers and stuff. Because my mother was unskilled and without an American degree, she applied for welfare and found for-cash jobs doing various things. I had to step up and become much more responsible. I have a large extended family and they always reminded me that I was the man of the house and that I had to be a father to my brothers. I took my responsibility very seriously and tried to do my best, though it did create some tension between my youngest brother and I.

For all the things my father could have done but didn’t do, I could be bitter and resentful of him, as some of my brothers are. Maybe it’s because I had more time actually living with him, or maybe I’ve just gotten over it, or maybe I appreciate the little things he’s done, but there’s a part of me that still loves him (which, as you can see, I don’t fully understand). In my large extended family, there wasn’t a single positive father figure. They were all abusive or cheap or plain mean. It took many years for it to happen, but eventually the women in my family ended up leaving those horrible men. For all the duties my father shirked, like taking care of us financially, he still took a little interest in our lives and wanted to know his children. It might not seem like enough, but I guess I’m taking the “glass-half-full” view here.

In the meantime, I found myself looking up to many different older male figures as I was growing up: Hulk Hogan, Superman, Danny Tanner and several of the teachers at school. I find that I’m still the same way, even as a grown man; when I encounter a male figure, fictional or real, who is capable and responsible, I can’t help but feel enamored with them.

One of the effects of my father leaving me at a young age is that it caused me to develop anxiety and panic attacks in my 20’s. It was many years before I started to understand that I had in fact had minor episodes once in a while as a teenager. I read about a study that found that children who were forced into too much responsibility at an early age were much more likely to develop anxiety as adults. This seemed to match my situation pretty accurately.

I think not having my father around also pushed me into becoming a perfectionist. I generally view all things from the perspective of: how can that be better? I think this kind of thinking can be helpful to a limited degree, but I feel that sometimes it stops me from taking action because I feel circumstances aren’t “just right” yet.

Still, I do value my responsible nature and my independence. I had cousins who relied very much on their fathers for financial and career help, and I was resentful at first of people who had access to that kind of support system. The thing, those cousins who relied on their fathers were eventually burned when their fathers cut off support. Some of them still haven’t managed to pick up the pieces of their lives without their fathers’ help. I’ve never relied on anyone but myself and my younger brothers. I know that every success and accomplishment in my life is my own. I know my future successes will have been built on my own hard work and no support from anyone (except the emotional support of my mother and brothers).

I really didn’t mean to clog up this thread with all my emotional baggage, but once I started typing it all came pouring out.

Thank-you all for your posts.

I only feel inadequate when someone pointed out my lack of a father on topic such as this one.

If memory serves, most of the existential writers lost their fathers at a young age: Kierkegaard, Neitzsche and Dostoyevsky, Sartre (maybe). I have always remarked upon the notion that for a boy, losing one’s father is quite an existential experience, leaving a well of nothingness and a search for meaning, only to discover there is no meaning. More modern existentialists (Dave Matthews and Morrissey. I consider their music and lyrics very existential) also lost their fathers at young ages. Just something I think about.

@tinyfaery very interesting. Thanks!

Having been mostly ignored by both my parents (my brother stole most of the spotlight and my dad and mom both walked out on me—my mom moreso than my dad) I’d say I have (some) attachment issues and yet I’m surprisingly normal (I think) considering what happened. Most people never know unless they ask or I tell them. Honestly I’m fine with everything, I think I just lack some experience in close relationships.

I’m in a different group, I think. My parents got divorced when I was 3 years old and I haven’t seen my dad much at all since then. The thing that makes my circumstance different is that my grandma (mom’s mother) and uncle (mom’s brother) moved in with us and helped take care of me. My uncle kind of replaced my father in a lot of ways so I still had that “father” figure, even though he was my uncle. I knew what it was like to have an adult male around and realized the benefits of him being there for me.
In a sense I consider myself very lucky. My father wouldn’t have made a good father. He was a nice guy, but he often made poor decisions. My uncle on the other hand is absolutely a positive role model.

It depends why the missing parent is missing.

tiny, work calls?...;-)

I have noticed that people who didn’t know their fathers have no idea how women should be treated.
The men are usually brutal, arrogant, and egotistical. Women usually allow themselves to be in hurtful relationships.

I grew up with a single Lesbian mom.

I do think it gives me a different perspective as an adult. For one thing, I didn’t grow up in a sheltered way where the people who were the most different that I could think of were only a little different from me, if that makes sense. (Think of families who grew up in a strictly white Protestant town, for example, and who think the one family of Catholics is sooooo different. That’s not me.) I think I have a greater ability to accept “different” people, both because I was taught to embrace differences, and because I was treated so badly by people who hated my mom that I can’t help but go out of my way to make different people feel welcome – so they won’t feel like I did.

I can say without a doubt that any difference I had in my upbringing from Mom served only to make me be a better, stronger, more accepting person. I can also say without a doubt that the problems I have with people in general have to do in large part with people who feel that they are morally superior and therefore wanted to fight or hurt me about it. (Which, really, doesn’t make any sense when it comes down to it: why would they feel morally superior and then want to hurt or destroy someone?)

If possible, I would turn the tables sometime and ask anyone, “So, how did growing up in a straight household (or a household with two parents) make you different?” Hee hee!

My BF doesn’t know that I exist. I only knew my stepfather for a couple of years very early in my life. He wasn’t very nice and he was mentally ill. After I was taken away from my BM (who had her own emotional troubles and was neglectful as a result), I lived with my aunt in a home where there would be brief periods of seeing a grown man visit the house, and then long, long stretches of years where there was no man around ever. None of those men paid any attention to me (and I probably should be grateful for that, given the sort of lowlifes that they were).

I was afraid of men for a long time. My aunt taught me that all men wanted from women was to get free food and to have sex and then leave. And I believed her. How was I to know that her experience wasn’t universal? The only men I knew growing up were authority figures, such as teachers and pastors, police and the landlord; and criminals and deadbeat dudes who only came around on the 31st, hit their gf’s up for the welfare money and were gone by the 2nd.

I never knew any man who played with me or said, “That’s my girl!” or gave me any emotional support that a growing girl needs from a father. Up until recently, I didn’t realize how I would become attracted to men who weren’t interested in me, and how very important it was that I attract them. I consciously wanted validation as a worthwhile woman from “quality” men. But they never seemed to be interested. It hurt to see I was doing this to replicate my upbringing, where there were no men around.

I put so much stock in the fathers of my friends at the upper crust schools I attended. I wanted a man like that around as a dad and as I grew older, decided I wanted that sort of man for a partner. But I haven’t found one who wanted to stay with me. I used to think it was because of my background, but now I know it’s because I’ve put out the vibe that I wasn’t good enough for such a man, so they’ve each taken me at my vibe and left. :(

If I get married before 55 or 60? That will be a miracle, because I have a lot to learn about men and how I don’t have to be scared of them, and if I don’t get true love and affection from a man (who’s 180 degrees from the men I grew up around), then I have failed as a woman.

I’m sorry this was so long. I’m sure there are other women with similar backgrounds to mine who got over these kinds of issues early and have gone on to have loving marriages and wonderful families.

I think @dooj has made the best point. I don’t have a father and I’m not exactly a screwed up person. Of course, in my family, my being fatherless is the natural state. Dad didn’t run off or die or go to jail or anything like that. My mother made the decision to get pregnant without a man and to raise me by herself. I imagine I would be very different if my father had died, left, gone to jail or been absent by some other means.

@filmfann: Can you back up that statement? If you will forgive me, it seems like an absolutely outrageous statement and I have a hard time believing that having no fathers alone causes this. Perhaps these people are also the children of teen mothers? Or maybe their mothers were beaten by dad before he left/died/whatever?

@KatawaGrey This is from knowing people who didn’t know their fathers, from co-workers to guys my daughter dated. This is not a small number of people.

@filmfann: Okay, so why didn’t these people know their fathers? Like I said, were they supposed to have a father and then he just wasn’t there for some reason? See, I was never supposed to have a father so I don’t have a gap in my life. I don’t hear about my rotten father who abandoned us or that idyllic figure who died before I was born or that guy mom screwed in college that one time. There is not a hole in my life created by a lack of a father. Perhaps in the lives of these people you describe, there are holes left by fathers.

My theory is that people learn how women should be treated by watching their fathers and their mothers interact. It isn’t that complicated. If the father isn’t there, they often don’t learn how women should be treated.

I think my life would have been better sans my father. Just throwin’ that out there.

@filmfann – I had my grandpa for that. Ex-Navy, ex-cop, wonderful man, treated my grandma well. So I didn’t need a father to show me how to treat Mom. I had Mom to teach me how to treat women, too. Respect is respect (and abuse is abuse), no matter who’s doling it out.

@filmfann: My mom did just that by showing me how people should be treated, regardless of sex. She also equipped me with the ability to treat people the way they should be treated based on how they act, how they treat me, etc. In fact, my mother chose not to get married because she didn’t like the way my grandmother treated my grandfather and could see that she started to treat men like that as well. I treat each person I have a relationship with differently because they are different people and they all treat me differently for the same reason.

@laureth: GA. proves my point excellently. :)

@laureth I am glad you had a good example. Not everyone does.

Even those with fathers often don’t have a good example, showing that “having a father” and “knowing how to respect women” don’t necessarily correlate.

@filmfann That is absurd.

I have the utmost respect and love for women, because they were the ones who raised me: my mother, my great aunt, my aunt, my cousin, etc. In fact, seeing all of their crappy husbands has made me determined to be the greatest father and husband I can possibly be. Seeing the way my classmates withheld the truth from and cheated on their girlfriends made me sick. I’ve been told numerous times what a great husband I’ll make to some lucky girl and the wives of my friends come to me to coach their husbands.

Just because the people you know from those circumstances act that way does not mean the people you don’t know act the same way.

I am not saying that is the rule. I am saying that is the tendency.
My neice has a son; the result of a rape. He has a good male role model in his Grandfather. I am sure he won’t end up like the thoughtless bastards I am refering to.

@aprilsimnel thank-you for sharing.

It’s not a good feeling. My mom slept with a married man. Just imagine how it feels to see kids who have both a mom and a dad that care for them. I met my father for the first time when I was 13. BIG mistake. He promised to be a part of my life, and never followed through with it. Apparently, he couldn’t man-up to his wife and tell her that he cheated on her with my mother. If so, he didn’t want to be a man and be there for me. Then I see kids throwing a baseball with their dads, and it makes my stomach turn. I’m a very damaged person because of it. I hate my father, and I hope that he burns in Hell for the pain he caused me.

@jay242010 Welcome to Fluther. Lurve.
I am sorry for what you went through, and I hope it encourages you to be the kind of father you wished you had.

Well this is the real deal for those who really want to know.

I am 34 now and have no mother or father and never did.. typing that hurts like hell cause i have to read it and face that reality. I dont think that its possible to comprehend the debilitating emptiness that can arise from not having parents, not having love and true caring or warmth or feeling or connection to life itself… everything is different cause my mind and heart have no reference point on how to perceive life…

I just live day to day work and pay my bills and wait till god is ready for me. When i have the energy i can hide my reality from the world but very often i am weak and must hide away so others dont have to deal with my wretched depression.

the story i was told is that teh woman that gave birth to me left me at a hospital and i was adopted by a troubled family who put me back up for adoption 3 years latter then i was adopted by another troubled family.. the mother had psychological issues and the father was absent 90% of the time.. thee was extensive physical and mental abuse which halted any chances of positive emotional development.

I am not well at all and dont like life .. since 15 i have preyed to god to take me .. i find it hard to cope cause i am very weak and unable to handle adverse situations i have no love in my life when people hug me i feel nothing when i have sex ji feel nothing i am numb..

i over analyze everything and everyone i see.. i have extreme anxiety as well as sexual and food addictions. I have night mares that are too real for me to handle and i cry like a child for no reason even though i am a 34 yea old man.. I very often just want my mothers arms around me so i can learn to feel something but i kno that cant happen and its too late for me..

I am a perfect example of a person who should have been aborted…

My mom lost custody when I was 9, my dad lost custody of me when I was 13. Neither of them really ever cared. My dad wants nothing to do with me today. And my mom is very hateful towards me. I realized my relationship with her wasn’t very healthy when she told me my niglets aren’t allowed around her. (I’m a white guy, who married a black woman.)

Because of the lack of loving parents in my life, I now find myself emotionless, unable to be happy, unable to love, and if I stop to think about it I realize I’m completely miserable even though I’m rich, have an extremely loving wife, and life is perfect.

I did learn how to play the part of being a caring and psychologically sound individual, but I wish I really did feel the emotions I pretend to have.

Unloving or neglectful parents can cause a child to have lifelong schizoid personality syndrome.

@GORGONLIFE I feel the same way. I improved my situation a bit by marrying a lady who treats me as her son. Then when she holds me at night I feel emotion. I can even call her mommy :-)