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Blackberry's avatar

Have you ever wasted a lot of money and time on a relationship, or have 'lost everything' because of your trust in someone?

Asked by Blackberry (31011points) January 25th, 2010

If so, how do you cope with the hatred and regret of the past occurences? I got married and divorced in a year and a half to someone I knew for not even a year, yeah I know, dumb mistake. I let this woman literally run my life (make the majority of the decisions) simply because she was a ‘smooth talker’.

If I never got married, I would have so much money…..I had plans for all the money I was saving and now its all gone : ( I keep hearing the same broken record cliches like “you learned a lesson, you just have to move on now”. I was very lucky we didn’t have kids, I didn’t even owe any alimony(but the debt we incurred hurts, like ow lol, I’m paying it all off). I’m very happy my life is getting better after this setback, but its so hard to stop thinking about what I could have and what I would be doing now. It sucks.

How did you ever get out of this hole if you’ve been in it?

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15 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I have wasted time and regrets are a huge waste of it..It is far more valuable than money.Believe me,I know :)

Kokoro's avatar

Blackberry, I’m sorry for what you went through. I don’t have a real answer unforunately but I can say that I am your same situation. My ex and I were not married, but we had been together for almost two years. I treated him like a husband, paid for nearly everything and even bought him tickets to Europe. So I know how much regret you feel for all that wasted money and time, especially when the partner didn’t give nearly as much in return.

How am I coping with this? I am trying to keep myself busy and pick up new hobbies and look to friends/family for support. Lots of people have told me, “No reason to get all worked up about things you cannot change. Just be thankful it didn’t go on longer and move on.” I am trying to distance myself from him but it’s hard because we live near each other, and we live in a small city. Everyone knows everyone here (mostly) and it sucks. We split two weeks ago and he has been hard to be away from, he would just not stop messaging me… but I have a no contact order on him. I wonder how this will all be in the end. Sorry if I am not much help, just letting you know I’m in the same boat. Let me know when you’re out of this funk. :P Good luck.

Snarp's avatar

I’ve spent a lot of time and money on a girl I was dating, and I do mean a lot, only to have her use my credit cards to entertain another guy while I was out of town, and then dump me for him. We were in a pretty serious relationship, but not married, so I don’t know how much different it would be to me if we had been married, but our finances were every bit as tied as when we were married (interesting banking note: when you add someone to your account, you cannot remove them, but you can take all the money and close the account). To be honest, I was angry for a while, but at this point I don’t regret any of it. We had a good time when we were together, and the things I had to do to get my financial house in order afterwards led me to where I am now, and I would not change where I am now for anything. And I really do think of it as a learning experience. I think a lot of that was just time. I certainly didn’t do anything in particular to come to feel that way.

Cruiser's avatar

Sounds like you are still stewing over getting hood winked by your ex. Money can’t buy you happiness nor pay off your debt of regret. Lucille is right…time is the currency of life and as she says regret is one of the worst ways to spend that valuable time.

shego's avatar

I unfortuneately have had it happen to me I was with the guy for five years and the we moved to the other side of the state and I saw his true colors. He was lazy, but I didn’t want to see that, I just wanted him the way he was before we moved. I thought that by buying things he wanted would save our relationship. But I got bitch slapped into reality, and canceled all of my checks that were used for the bills and canceled all of them, and took the money and found a way to get home. I don’t know if he’s homeless or not. I feel bad for that but I was starting to get very concerned when he became violent.
I regret the fact that I wasted my time with a self centered little bitch. But I learned that money isn’t worth it.
I love the person I am with we spend lots of time together and we would rather have a microwavable dinner and watch a Disney movie at home rather than spend money.

Trillian's avatar

@ blackberry, Years ago my mother slaped my mouth for saying that regrets are a waste of time. I haven’t changed my mind about that. They change nothing, and prevent your mind from moving forward towards something constructive. It’s just an endless loop of recrimination and self loathing.
After I left my SO in August I had to retrench and it’s only now that I’m getting back on my feet financially. I let him bully and guilt me into spending time and money on his stupid drug habit. I’m more angry at myself for compromising myself. All the time I knew better and was screaming at myself to get out. I think that maybe you’re angry at yourself too. At some point, you’ll need to forgive yourself for being human.
If I say anything else you’ll think I’m being cliche. I can hear Judge Judy in my head right now, you know how she has her voice just on the edge of a shout: “SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA!!” Yeah, It’s going to take a while. How ‘bout we forgive each other? ;-)

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Sure. My last live-in relationship pretty much burned me out. When we met I had a good paying job, was paying off some small debt and was almost done paying off a well running car. Once into the relationship, I let myself be pressured into buying a new car I really didn’t need (the other was an “embarassment” I’m told) moved out of state to a place I could only work menial jobs, co signed several loans that got neglected, gave thousands of dollars over to pay against gambling debts and back child support. When I did get myself into a place to leave then I had no credit left, no decent car any longer and barely enough money collected to get into a small house.

This partner had kept hurt and bitterness from his failed marriage and let it grow year after year into depression and negativity that eventually was smothering me. This coupled with his addiction to smoking weed, gambling and the isolation/paranoia of his alcoholism was too much for anyone’s love to affect. We had started out as a happy couple with plans of marriage until he became convinced no one would ever be good enough for him again which hurt my feelings terribly but I was so stubborn thinking my love would bring back trust to this man and earn his respect. Wrong! I should’ve left in year #2 instead of year #7.

Blackberry's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence Holy shit…..I have no reason to be down now….that’s unspeakable : ( I’m sorry that happened to you, you sound so non chalant though, I would still be fuming years later after something like that.

mass_pike4's avatar

you just let yourself move on and be the better person. Obviously it takes time and it sucks. You can’t go back so make the best of it now

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@Blackberry: I guess I have confindence I get myself put back together in time (the “it’s just money” thing). Thanks.

YARNLADY's avatar

I have had to face the loss of two husbands in my past, but what happened in the past is past, nothing will change it. To me each day is a whole new day What happened in the past has no bearing on today or tomorrow.

OneMoreMinute's avatar

Yes, I lost a business partnership that I had saved for years to put my all and everything into. To have him lie about everything while I was believing as truth.
But after a year went by, I realized it was a blessing. My life had changed completely and I was on an entirely new path.
All for the better.
I’m glad to have it this way. No regrets.

Naked_Homer's avatar

I essentially just did. I spent 13 years working hard to better myself. Going to 4 different counselors to “fix” things. Working extra hours to provide for the needs and wants as they were defined by my ex. Never doing things quite good enough. At the very end, never having tried to work with me, never having gone to a single counselor with me or with out save the one she got “permission” from so as to not go with me, she asked me for a divorce. So all my efforts under “for richer or poorer, sickness and in health till death do you part” were one sided and unrewarded.

How do I deal with it? I focus on the one single thing that she did right. My two wonderful kids. The only two things she has ever done right as a wife. She failed me in every other way accept those precious children. When I feel bitter or angry, I think of them.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

Yes, most of mine should of never come to fluition in the first place. Either I was totally stupid and just let them take full advantage of my generosity or let them into my head and pretty much run my life. They all had severe problems but the worst one was probably my ex wife in terms of resources spent. I had spent all the money I had saved up and all of my family respect into that relationship and got little in return. Oh well, I absolutly adore the person I am with and everyday we grow so much closer and our love more spectacular. We can spent any amount of time together and really have a good time. I guess I know know what real love is and that money dosn’t do shit for maintaining a healthy relationship.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

@shego you know you are right, you can spend 1,000,000 dollars on someone and it dosn’t make them have any more respect for you or themselves or save a broken relationship. Like you, I have tried that first hand and it just dosn’t work

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