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livelaughlove21's avatar

Married jellies: have you ever considered divorce?

Asked by livelaughlove21 (15724points) October 8th, 2013 from iPhone

Obviously those of you who are divorced have considered divorce, but this question is specifically for those of you that are currently married.

Have you or your spouse, in the course of your marriage, ever considered divorce? What did it take to change your mind? Was your marriage damaged afterward or did it become stronger? Any pearls of wisdom to share?

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22 Answers

DWW25921's avatar

Yes. Usually the major problems are encompassed by a lack of communication and understanding of a situation.

Sunny2's avatar

Yes, but I could ever imagine being married to anyone else. At the time, he was too much involved in politics to be very available. I decided to put up with it. Things got better.

whitenoise's avatar

No, I have ‘t and I hope neither has my wife.

We’re married for close to fifteen years now and we have faced challenges. We always faced them together, though.

Rarebear's avatar

Too expensive.

gondwanalon's avatar

My wife and I have been married for 22 years and have never consider the d-word. I can’t imagine life without my wife. We never argue or raise our voices to each other. We are so much alike and have many similar interests even though she is 100% Chinese and I’m a mutt caucasian. We even think much alike. We are like kindred spirits living life at its highest level. We have true mature romantic love.

Judi's avatar

When we were first married we had a few tough times. My kids were not doing the whole new authority figure thing very well.
Once he said “Maybe we should get a divorce.”
I cut him off and said “If that is even an option then lets do it now. I refuse to live my life worrying that you are going to divorce me if things get hard. Either you’re in this thing for the long haul or we call it quits right now. If divorce is an option then I want out now while I’m young enough to get married again and find a life mate.”
That was over 20 years ago and although we have had ups and downs over the years the subject of divorce had not come up since.

funkdaddy's avatar

I’ve considered it in my head, the same way you might consider what would happen if you just drove in one direction and started a new life, or considered the ramifications of committing suicide. Things weren’t always great in the short term, but I definitely like my life better with her.

I haven’t brought it up between us since we’ve been married. It was discussed a few times just before we got married, when we first moved in together, and the 400 sq. ft. apartment forced us both to compromise a lot both physically and socially. We had a similar discussion to @Judi and that made it clear to both of us that it wasn’t something to be threatened with.

I guess you could say we’re stronger because of that, but really it just pointed out that everyone wanted to be in the relationship, and we could stop looking for evidence to the contrary. Once your assumption is that you’ll always be together, I think it takes more to shake that. You build everything with that person involved and it’s harder to shut them out.

We never get back to that discussion because that first mental step is a doozy.

If I had a pearl of wisdom to share I think it would just be to tell that person you believe in who they are and who they can be. Mean it. You’re with them for a reason. Tell them you need the same support from them. Make each other better together than you can be separately.

There might be times where you’re not 100% sure they’re on the right path, and the instinct is to tell them you won’t stand for being drug along. I think the wiser step, if you can manage it, is to discuss their plans/dreams/path with them and ask where you fit in. It’s a lot easier to steer before everyone starts slamming on the brakes, grabbing the wheel, and getting defensive.

My wife taught me that, without ever saying it, after watching her listen to all my crazy ideas, support them, and then bring in the other parts of our life we’d need to fit in.

ucme's avatar

No, I haven’t met anyone else…yet. ~

rojo's avatar

Only when I don’t get my way

Seriously though, no. We fight and bicker and have our disagreements but came to understand early in our relationship no matter what that we were there to help each other over lifes up and downs and as Billy Joel once said, “You might love somebody but you won’t like them all of the time”.
We have always tried to abide by the old adage that you should never go to bed angry. It has made for the occasional late night but it has made us stronger.

Several year into our marriage we found out that the priest that married us, a family friend of my wifes family, told my mother-in-law that he had strong reservations against marrying us because he believed our marriage would not last six months. That was over thirty-six years ago now. My marriage has outlived him.

CWOTUS's avatar

Yes, and not only that.

I often made the joke, after my separation from my wife, that “I knew it was time when I found myself watching Law & Order… and taking notes.”

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

Yes. Difficult times happen during any long-term relationship. The real problems begin when those bad times become chronic rather than acute.

@rojo That priest betrayed your confidence, and acted very inappropriately, when he made that comment to your mother-in-law.

Sunny2's avatar

Arrgh! I left out the n of never. Freudian slip? We’ve been married 50 years and had only 2½ fights. The half was because I didn’t raise my voice on the third one, so I won, hands down.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I have for several reasons but in the end I want to be with him. I truly love him unconditionally & he makes me laugh.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Trying to work through problems right now as my spouse has PTSD and it’s negatively affecting the whole marriage. The D-word is almost on the table but hopefully extended treatment will help. I love her deeply but I’m not a martyr personality.

mattbrowne's avatar

In the heat of the moment, all kinds of stupid thoughts race through our head. We need to cool down first and then reassess the situation. In my case the answer always was: no.

Pooh54's avatar

In 1994 I had an affair while my husband was working out of town. (Let me clarify this—I didn’t have the affair because he was out of town-I had the affair because he really wasn’t ‘with’ me when he was home-out drinking with his work buddies.) Anyway, his friend was going thru some marital problems and he called me (drunk) one night to tell me and to ask if we had any problems. The fact that I told him I didn’t want to discuss it on the phone must have made an impression. The next dayhe was home early waiting for me. I told him about the affair and that he didn’t really want to be with me. I moved out. Long story short – he talked to family and friends about us – family knew nothing because I didn’t tell them anything. My friends kept trying to get me to leave him and he told me that everyone knew he loved me. I said sure, everyone but ME!. My mom, rest her soul, told him if he really wanted me back (after tossing me out) he should court me. He did and the 3 weeks we spent apart gave me time to decide if I still loved him and him time to decide if he could forgive me. 3 weeks later I moved back in after dates and long talks about what was wrong-he was drinking all the time and I hadn’t grown up. Now we are STRONGER than ever. We talk, we agrue, but in the end, I know he loves me and he knows that I loved him. There is no one else I would rather be with. He is still working on the road but calls me every night and NEVER has to worry about anyone in my life but him. Kind of a fairy tale ending but it took me 16 years to realize what I wanted and what I couldn’t take any more. I hope whatever you are going thru—give it a try and stick it out. It is well worth it.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Thanks for the answers, all.

I’m not actually considering divorce. It was more a question of curiosity after an argument with the SO. We talked it out and I never considered seeking a divorce myself, but privately wondered if he had. He was shocked that I even wondered that. He’s a good man, but there will always be issues to overcome in marriage. I hate feeling uncertain, so I’m glad my fears were not realized. He knows that certain things need to change and I hope they do.

Work and stress put us in a rut and our time together consisted of sitting on separate couches every evening, me watching TV and him playing a war game on his phone. I was routinely catching him not listening to me and I got sick of it. After I told him how I felt, he deleted the game (I did not ask him to) because he recognized that it was a major problem and that’s what he felt was the right thing to do. I’d never end my marriage over a video game, but being ignored is something I won’t tolerate.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Not sure how long you’ve been married, but at some point it kind of feels like you ‘settle in’, which means that you do your thing and I do mine and when we can chill together that’s cool but not a requirement, it’s very comfortable. :)

livelaughlove21's avatar

@KNOWITALL We’ve only been married for a year and a half, but we’ve been together for over six years, since high school. We’ve been in the “comfortable” stage for awhile, which I’m fine with. I don’t expect him to be up my ass, so to speak, all day or for us to be as touchy-feely as we were at 17. However, being comfortable and being rude, disrespectful, and borderline neglectful are two completely different things. Sitting on the couch watching Friends is fine, but if I say something I don’t want to discover that he hasn’t heard a single word. I’m not a needy person, but I do deserve to be heard when I talk to my husband.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I hear you (no pun intended). I guess I’m the one in our relationship who tends to ‘tune out’ my hubs, but I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just busy and he talks all the time…lol (He was quiet before we got married!)

Pooh54's avatar

@livelaughlove21 We have been married for 32 years and together for 4 years before that. I didn’t consider divorce because I loved him. And since the 3 weeks ‘vacation’ from each other, I realized why I fell in love with him in the first place. He is a funny, wonderful, caring (he was never very showy with his affection-I misinterpreted as not caring), man who makes me laugh every day. Humor is what I really missed in those years. I know we will be together for another 32 (at least). I believe humor keeps marriages together and the more humor you have the happier you will be. Enjoy the laughter!!

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

My wife (the 4th) is perfect for me and after 10 years together, I’d like to have 50 years with her!
I’ll be 60 in April!

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