Social Question

Kokoro's avatar

If I put a no contact order on my ex, would it be wrong to associate with his family?

Asked by Kokoro (1424points) January 26th, 2010

His brother and mother said that even though we have split, they would still like to be there for me as friends. His brother has suggested I come visit him since he’s nearby, and I talk to him from time to time. I have been told my ex could potentially use this against me and say I broke the order. Is this a bad idea?

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18 Answers

Sophief's avatar

Basically yes.

marinelife's avatar

You would not be breaking the order as long as your ex was not there when you visited. Is it really that important to you to see his family members when you have a no contact order?

To know for certain, ask your attorney.

Steve_A's avatar

To be honest yea its a bad idea…

stump's avatar

It just seems like it would make it harder for him to have a good relationship with his family if you are in the picture. If you have kids, I understand them wanting to stay in touch with aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc., but it sounds a little selfish if it’s just you. Do you have any other friends or family to lean on?

Seek's avatar

I would say it’s a bad idea.

It make you look like the aggressor. “Oh, she doesn’t want her husband to contact her, but she’ll get between him and his family.”

If you don’t want contact with your ex, then you need to stay away from places you know he may frequent. This includes his family, his friends, and his favourite bar.

tb1570's avatar

Uh, yeah!

CyanoticWasp's avatar

First you asked if it would be ‘wrong’, and I don’t think it would. But then you ask if it would be a ‘bad idea’, and I think it absolutely would be. It sounds colossally stupid, in fact.

Unless the ‘no contact’ order extends to his family, too, and prevents him from seeing them, then he could easily show up at his own family outings, houses, businesses, whatever, and get in contact with you—without violating his order. No judge in his right mind would find against him.

If you invite his family to your outings, dwelling, business, etc., then that’s a completely different story.

ninjacolin's avatar

of course, don’t be silly.

Kokoro's avatar

What do I say to his family then? I feel it would be rude to say, “I don’t really want to talk to you right now,” as it’s not their fault our relationship didn’t work out. Should I wait until all the drama with my ex simmers down? Cut them off completely?

ninjacolin's avatar

no need to be rude.. just tell them you’re taking a break from all things ex-boyfriend indefinitely. you can also tell them you love them too and you regret that it has to be this way.

john65pennington's avatar

Look at your Restraining Order. read each word. what does it tell you? most do not limit your visitation or the 100 feet order to anyone, other than your ex. i will say this, you are taking a gamble by making a visit. if your ex appears, unannounced, he can hold this against you in court. its best to break the ties with all of his family members. i know how you feel. same happened here. no need to make your situation worse than it is. we wanted to keep our in-laws as friends, but both attorneys advised against it and so be it. you, too.

skfinkel's avatar

This sounds like a bad idea to me—it’s his family. If he was bad enough to put a restraining order on, getting more involved with his family sounds weird—even though you all might like each other.

Jeruba's avatar

I have been on the other side of this: not with a legal order, just with the matter of family loyalty.

Leave his family alone. Let them stick by him. Don’t encourage them to betray his feelings by appearing to side with you or even just perpetuate a warm relationship with you. Losing contact with them is a natural and necessary consequence of the breakup. If you meet by chance in the grocery store, you can say a cordial hello, but no long, chatty visit. Otherwise just let them go. They are not your family. They are his, and he needs them on his side.

What do you say? Say “Thank you for your kindness toward me, but Hieronymus’s family is not my family. It’s necessary for me to keep my distance. I’m afraid we have to part company now.”

Also, watch out for the brother.

phil196662's avatar

If you give up your Ex then you give up his family too.

YARNLADY's avatar

Are there children involved? If not – don’t. If there are children, it is an entirely different matter.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

If he must stay away from you, you must stay away from him. He has a reasonable expectation to be able to visit his parents’ home unannounced without accidentally running into you. You could stay in contact with his mother and brother through e-mail occasionally, or perhaps meet them in a neutral location, but whatever do you hope to gain by doing that?

Relationships end, and when they end badly, so do a lot of other relationships that are associated with that person.

SuperMouse's avatar

I have to concur with those who say it is probably not a good idea. It sounds like flirting with disaster to me.

evandad's avatar

Not ethically, but if the no contact order was because you were abused or thought it a possibility then it’s a bit stupid.

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