General Question

TrickyZZZZ's avatar

What will happen if I challange the status quo (relationships)

Asked by TrickyZZZZ (99points) February 8th, 2010

Ok, just a little bit about my situation. I have always been “that guy.” That guy who never had a date. That guy who women know regard as “just there.” That guy who never talks about women. I am not a nerd. I have friends and a social life. All my friends are all successful with women.

Now I have recently been sorta successful online. I am talking to a few pretty women, and I know they have some interest. I want to chill with them, but somethings holding me back.

I have a feeling that I must continue to fulfill my role in society no matter how negative it is for me as an individual, it’s just who I am, I have always been “that guy.” What will happen if I oppose the status quo and start dating? Will I be questioned by my friends about my new motives (this worries me)? Should I keep my actions secrete? Why do I have these fucking annoying obsessive thoughts that are holding me back?

Sorry about the rants, I just don’t have the cash for a therapist right now so I thought this would be the next best thing. I am not asking people to feel sorry for me, I just want advice

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31 Answers

Likeradar's avatar

1. How old are you?
2. Do your friends every ask why you don’t date?
3. Why don’t you date?

Your role in society is not to be the guy who doesn’t date. Who is that benefiting? What are you getting from it? Seems to me like it’s just a choice you’ve made until this point. It might be your little role within your group of friends, but that doesn’t mean it always has to be. Are you afraid your friends will judge you for being a normal heterosexual guy?

If you start dating, your friends will probably hi-5 you. Friends who are more emotionally involved with you will probably ask what made you start dating. Why does that worry you? I have never met a person who is completely comfortable with dating. Go for it. :)

CyanoticWasp's avatar

Take the chance and get status quonked like the rest of us. It only hurts for a little while.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I was that way for 38 years, until I met the love of my life. In my case, it was Aspergers Syndrome (not diagnosed until my late 40s). My social clumsiness was with all my peers in childhood and teens,I had no friends but was so profoundly uncomfortable with girls that I learned to actively avoid them. If you can have normal friendships/interactions other than dating, you probably don’t have the same problem I had.

Trillian's avatar

I’d be interested to know your family dynamics. Role playing starts in the family, and roles are assumed/assigned early on. What is your birth-order? What role do you play in your family? Step back and take a good look at what you said to us and how you framed it. You assigned yourself a role and you accepted it. You will ‘continue to fulfill my role in society…’
Go back to the director and tell him you’re not going to play that role any more. Then hijack a script from a role you want to play. Read it, study it, learn it front to back, and Go Get ‘em Tiger!
@ Cyantoc wasp status quonked? Good one. Best all day in fact.

life_after_2012's avatar

i think as long as your heart is in the right place you’ll figure it out.

HGl3ee's avatar

Step One: Take a nice deep breath and flip “society” the bird. You have no set role here on Earth.

Step Two: What will make you happy? Don’t kid yourself on this one. If you want to explore the world of dating and learn to enjoy the company of a woman (Meow!) then the only one stopping you is yourself ;) Just a little tip from me: Online dating sites are amazing! I met my SO through a site called DatingDNA I’m not sure how it is now, but look at some online dating sites to kind of jump-start you into this world.

I hope you find exactly what you are looking for! Good luck <3

BoBo1946's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ hey, you are just as unique as the next guy! Seems to me, you have an issue with self esteem. Every human being on this Earth is unique! So, think positive thoughts about yourself. Get off the negative stuff!

njnyjobs's avatar

Do what makes you happy, but in consideration of the things around you. You need to weigh the cost benefit of your actions not only in this situation but with life in general, including long-term goals/objectives/expectations.

Each action we take in life has a corresponding reaction, whether it be postive, negative or both. Realizing the reaction to our action will help you decide whether to act upon the situation or not.

TrickyZZZZ's avatar

1. How old are you?
In college

2. Do your friends every ask why you don’t date?
Yeah. I play it off as not interested\don’t care. This is the role I have formed for myself.

3. Why don’t you date?
Because very few women have given me a chance and the ones that did just messed with my head. I do not believe in competing for women. I see most girls as having some game they want you to play. (Being “alpha”\cool, labels, just being fake). Online it seems the people are just well…. people

I am an only child. The topic of dating just bothers me. I was always asked about it and called every word in the book (faggot, etc) I hate when people ask me about it. I feel like no one should CARE what I do. Why do friends care if I fucked this girl or that girl or judge her looks? Leave me the fuck alone. Women life is seprate from friends life imo. I think I am finally starting to explore dating because I live on my own now and can actually keep my sex life more private (unlike high school)

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ we’re all for minimalism here, but… there are limits to “effective” minimalism.

marinelife's avatar

I can’t imagine why you are so focused on your current role? Why not move forward? What do you have invested in being “that guy”?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Who cares what your friends think!If they say something you don’t like,slap them silly ,then point and laugh at them!Geez!You only have one life!Go live it! :))

TrickyZZZZ's avatar


I don’t know, I’m jsut very stuborn. I’m not really a believer in change. I just think things are the way they are.

I’ll go for it and see what happens. One more thing. Should I keep secrete what I’m doing? (I hate douchebags that brag about the women they get. I don’t want to turn into one of those guys)

njnyjobs's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ seems to me that you have let others thread on you in the past. . . You have go to stand-up for yourself and face your adversaries head-on. That should be a wake-up call for them that you are entitled to your own life, the way it makes you happy.

As far as keeping things a secret, I think you should not try to make it a secret, but you do not have to offer information if you don’t want to either.

Likeradar's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ There’s a difference between saying “I went out with X last night- she’s pretty awesome” and “I totally banged X last night.”
You don’t need to keep anything secret from your friends if you don’t want to, but there’s a way of being a gentleman while still talking to your buddies.

Silhouette's avatar

Don’t know, but nothing new will happen if you don’t. Shake shit up.

marinelife's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ I don’t see any reason to keep things a secret, but there is a lot of territory between keeping things a secret and bragging about your conquests.

Cruiser's avatar

You think, therefor you are.

Your mindset has you convinced you should be “that guy”...change your thinking and you will see your way into whatever you can imagine…within reason of course. Why do you think you can meet women online?? Try to incorporate that online success into your real world encounters. Think positive and stop thinking like “that guy” and you should see some positive changes in your encounters with the fairer sex.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Your answer lies the fact that you’ve created the role and accepted it. To change the role, you need to act differently, and like all actors and performances, you need rehearsals to fine tune the different role that you are comfortable with. You’ve probably watched other guys and have a sense of different types of social behavior and the responses it gets. Go places outside of where you normally go, but similar to where you normally hang out, and try being social in different manners than you are when you’re with your friends. Experiment with different socialization styles until you find one that you’re comfortable with, and that gets the response you want.

Two idioms come to mind, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results” and “Fake it ‘til you make it.”

ninjacolin's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ depends on how awesome your friends are. if they were my buds they would harass me while they support me. it’d be hilarious. i would have to have a good sense of humor about it. I would likely just admit to them: “dudes, i’ve been a chicken all my life but the truth is, these girls are hot and i want a piece of the action. help me but don’t be annoying about it.”

then they’d start being annoying about it for a while, but it’d simmer down after a week or two. then everything would be right as rain. they would likely ask me what was going through my head, and the more honest i was about it the better, most likely.

your fears (or whatever you dealt with) are the same things that everyone deals with. you may have just been duped into thinking that you were the only one who had to deal with those emotions. everyone does, some people just figured it out sooner than you did in their lives. in like.. 2 months time, you’ll have caught up significantly.

trial and error man. just dive in. you will learn from your mistakes, so don’t try to avoid making them in the first place. you need them.

Merriment's avatar

While you are busy being “that guy” for your friends they are all likely moving forward with their lives and someday will probably have families that have no burning need for “that guy”.

Why limit your own life to fulfill a role in theirs? A role that is likely as not to become redundant at some point soon.

Frankly the rest of what you are saying sounds like rejection is more scary to you than staying in the same rut.

Thing about ruts though is the view from inside the rut is very limited and you are missing a lot of scenery.

I hope you go for it. You’re living your one and only life…and you deserve to have the starring role not just be the “that guy” sidekick.

Adagio's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ grab the bull by the horns and chase after everything life has to offer use your discretion of course.Growing as an individual is one of life’s great privileges. If I were still the same person now as I was around age 20, life would be so much less rich, I would have lived a very stilted existence and missed out on so much.

TrickyZZZZ's avatar

Thanks guys. You have given me great advice. I had a good chat with the girl and she seems very interested. I’m gonna ask her to chill later.

Heres one more thing. Is this whole online dating stuff “cheating”? I will honestly admit that the internet gives me the confidence I need. I can chat with them online without ANY impact on my real life or social circle. If they reject me they are disposable. That is what keeps me back IRL, the impact to my social circle, not necessarily the fear of rejection.

Given online dating didn’t exist, I would NEVER get out of the rut. It kind of feels like I am being artificially preserved from natural selection by technology. Just like a diabetic is by modern medicine. Thats why I feel its cheating

Trillian's avatar

There are no rules in love and war. Only the victorious and the dead.

Likeradar's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ It’s not cheating. It’s just a different way of meeting people.

I kinda thought it was cheating and I was embarrassed about doing it until one night out with a group of friends about 5 years ago. Three of the four couples I was hanging out with met online, and we met two bachelor parties and a bachelorette party where the betrothed met online. All the cool kids are doing it. :)

bean's avatar

the status quo will challenge you

Likeradar's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ “Women life is seprate from friends life imo.”
Do you not look at women as friends or potential friends?

ninjacolin's avatar

There are no rules, @TrickyZZZZ. You can date whoever you want and meet them however you want. The internet isn’t “Fake”.. it’s real. it’s a part of our lives now.

TrickyZZZZ's avatar


No, I do. Most that I know are my friends and had originally belonged to my social circle (friends of my friends). What I meant to say was “dating life.” I tend to keep my groups of friends very seprate from each other. I do not like the idea of dating within my social circle and would like to keep my dating life as far away from it as possible.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ I tend to keep my groups of friends very seprate from each other. I do not like the idea of dating within my social circle and would like to keep my dating life as far away from it as possible.

Congratulations. You may have just nailed why you’re “the guy that’s just there” within your social circle. If you keep your life separate, you’re a two dimensional character within the group.

Trillian's avatar

Worlds are colliding. George is gettin’ upset!! (Seinfeld)

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