Social Question

Sophief's avatar

Do you do all you can for s/o?

Asked by Sophief (6681points) March 12th, 2010

Do you constantly do all you can to make him/her happy? Think only of them? Put them first?

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42 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Hardly sounds fun. ;) lol!

Just_Justine's avatar

I don’t believe I can “make” someone happy. Or go out of my way to bring that person to a state of happiness. I think I have done in the past when I was much younger and of course I got dumped and stamped on. Which was a good thing, as it taught me I am responsible for my own happiness. As is my S/O.
As for thinking “only of them” no I have a very full life, I have a son, friends a career, I am involved in lot’s of things so I would think of him, but not only of him no.
Would put him first, maybe give him the bigger “chop” at dinner but no once again he is responsible for that as I am for myself.

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine I like the bigger chop comment.

mrentropy's avatar

Yes, I do. And more. And now I realize that it’s the completely wrong thing to do.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I ‘ve never had a boyfriend, but I am still going to answer this ;D
If I had a bf I wouldn’t only put his needs first I would put ours….I am a person who loves herself first then others I mean thats what is supposed to happen not just letting others do anything they want to you.
Hope you understood what I was meaning.

Sophief's avatar

@Thesexier Yes I understand, thank you.

CMaz's avatar

@Dibley – Let’s put the cards on the table.

What is bothering you about your relationship?
Your questions, lately, seem to be a trail of breadcrumbs. Leading to a bigger issue.


janbb's avatar

A relationship is only healthy if it is comprised of two independent functional people. Sometimes one person’s needs are paramount, sometimes the other’s. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves before we can give to someone else.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

@Dibley hahah ok;D glad I helped ;D

Sophief's avatar

@ChazMaz Breadcrumbs? Nothing bothering me as such.

CMaz's avatar

Ok, cool.

It just appears that you have these concerns about your ability to please him.

marinelife's avatar

My significant other and I regard ourselves more as partners. Thus, we work to keep ourselves happy and to support each other’s quests for happiness rather than prostrating ourselves on the altar of the other’s happiness.

Just_Justine's avatar

@ChazMaz that’s OK, maybe she just wants to ask in bits. :)

Aethelwine's avatar

The only way I can “make” my husband happy is if I am happy. He would hate it if everything that I did was just for him. We are partners and do what we can for each other, and not take each other for granted.

GA @marinelife :)

Sophief's avatar

@jonsblond My boyfriend is like that. He always says, “do things for you” “Do what you want to do” Whereas, I want to do stuff for him. I want to make him happy. I’m not a lover of myself. I don’t hate myself, just don’t fancy myself or think I’m all that.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley you don’t find it tiring? I’ve been in situations where I have given a lot, and felt very drained. Perhaps though your boyfriends gives tons back so there is balance?

janbb's avatar

@Dibley I’m going to try to say this very clearly. It’s kindly meant. You really have to go out and find out what you’re all about and who you are. It will make you much happier and you will have more to give someone if you start developing yourself more and worry about sex and your boyfriend less.

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine No, because he means the world to me. I have done nothing for past boyfriends, I never made any effort and was pretty horrible to all of them. I’ve never felt or been like this.

@janbb I didn’t take it any other way. If I didn’t want opinions I wouldn’t ask. I think the problem might be because I know he is too good for me. Past boyfriends haven’t been (that sounds really mean).

Jude's avatar

@Dibley Stop worrying about whether you’re good enough or not. You need to work on self-esteem, you really do!

You need to be happy with yourself/love yourself.

Sophief's avatar

@jjmah Wow, I really must be getting boring now ;-)

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley I think every person needs a sense of self. A feeling of being OK, alone, and with another, a sense of value for ones own needs and compassion for another’s needs too. If one becomes too “selfless” if this relationship did end, you might feel completely dissociated from yourself. Because it sounds like you have become merged without boundary into another person. So the loss would like a death in yourself. If you feel you are only “good enough” by behaving in a certain way then you are not being loved for just being you? Which could be scary as it feeds your sense of not being good enough. I am sure he loves you for you. Maybe only you need to realise that?

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine Your right, I just need to get that in my head. There is so much up there, it is difficult to get through.

aprilsimnel's avatar

That’s a problem to give your all to someone else like that. If he were on a plane with you and the oxygen masks dropped, you’d still have to put yours on first, right?

No decent SO wants you to be co-dependent, self-effacing and lacking in boundaries. That BS songwriters peddle about “Two Become One” is a load of malarkey and real people end up feeling smothered in such a situation. If you want to give someone so much attention and care, you are the best person to give it to. I learned that the hard way. My former fellas thought they wanted me all over them and catering to them, but they got tired of it, and I discovered I had nothing left over for me when the relationships strained and broke.

Also, people are responsible for their own happiness, because they are the only ones who would know what that would be for them. Someone outside of themselves wouldn’t know the first thing about it. An SO can’t make you happy, either. You have to find that for yourself.

marinelife's avatar

@Dibley Based on this and another thread, now I really think you have a self-esteem problem. Please think about the advice I gave in the other thread.

partyparty's avatar

You shouldn’t feel it necesary to do all you can. Take care of yourself.

Love and respect should be equally shared between the two of you.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley maybe you are a closet submissive! as in BDSM you never know! not joking either.

john65pennington's avatar

For 44 years, my wife and family have always come first. for 20 of those 44 years i have worked two and three jobs each day. my wife and i decided that i would supply the money and she would be the guardian over our children in our marriage. this worked out great for us. now, i am tired. i am retired. my wife has always come first. i never miss a birthday, i never miss Valentines Day and i definetely reward her like a queen at Christmas. i am the pilot in my family, but my wife is my co-pilot. together, we have flown together around the world at least 50 times. i have been blessed to have shared my life with such a beautiful and devoted lady.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

No, he doesn’t come first. No, I don’t put myself first. No, I don’t put my children first. We all work as a family to take care of each other – there is a push and pull. I know we consider each other’s feelings and support each other. My partner and I discuss quite often what we can do to make it easier for each other and whether or not we’re happy.

deni's avatar

He doesn’t come first in every situation. I do what I can for him, and I do feel an urge to “nurture” him for some reason, which I have never felt for any boyfriends before. I don’t think only of him, but in situations where we are both a part of, I think I’m very generous with what I’ll do. Plus, since he’s at work usually from 6 am to 6 or 7 pm, I know he’s tired and doesn’t feel like doing little stuff that still needs done, and since my schedule is quite open usually, I just do them. I really think it’s the little things that are more important….small chores you don’t expect to be done when you get home but when they are it’s a nice little relief.

The one thing I won’t do anymore is dishes at his house. This is an ongoing dispute we have. His roommate (and him sometimes) rinses nothing off and therefore by the time someone goes to wash them everything is caked on and GROSS. So I’ve put my foot down on that one. Otherwise he’s the most important thing in my life and when I can do something for him, I do.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I do a lot for my boyfriend and gladly but I also make sure that I have some “me” time as well. I think it’s about time you started to listen to your SO. From some of your previous questions on here I get the impression that he spends a lot of time reassuring you and, without meaning to sound too harsh, that is going to start to get a little tedious for him after a while. Do you have any other interests other than your boyfriend and sex?

hug_of_war's avatar

We’re partners – but we don’t live to serve each other. That’s not healthy. I believe it’s impossible for one person to completely fill our every want anyway. If you don’t ever consider your own needs it’s not because of a truly deep love but because you’re co-dependent.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m running at about 60%.

wundayatta's avatar

No, I do not put them first. Nor do I put myself or our children first. And yet, I do all I can for her. Because all I can has to do with all the other things I have to do, including things I do for me. In fact, I believe I do all I can for everyone I care about in my life. It might not be a lot, but it is all I can.

I think this is a very important thing for me to have learned. I have been doing so much to please other people, so much to perform for others so they will like me or love me, that I have managed to open the door to depression, which nearly killed me, and could kill me yet, and then where would all the people I care about be?

So I think I am going to take a little more for myself, because I have been far too unhappy for far too long. I am going to be proud of myself for doing the best I can, even though I have hurt a lot of people in my life. I have good motives and I screw up. A lot. I’m sorry. But I am satisfied that I have done what I can do. I have not been shirking. I have not been tanking it. I have done what I can, and it didn’t match up to what I thought I should do, and that was the wrong way to think.

It’s not as if I am out of that particular briar patch, yet. I still have a million messages telling me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it and what I should accomplish and how far I have fallen and how failure is certain. But I’m going to try to do all I can to quell those messages, for they only keep me from doing all I can for those whom I love.

YARNLADY's avatar

I suppose you could say that, since what I do for myself is automatically going to benefit him as well. We are partners.

phil196662's avatar

When I think about purchasing something expensive I think about how it will benefit both of us, and it often alters my selection.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Are you asking do I wear a green welcome mat sweatshirt with the little plastic daisy? Not since we had children, and all of the responsibility for house, car repairs, bills, raising kids, cooking, and working 50–60 hours a week fell to me. He wasn’t interested in “doing any of that” because he didn’t know how to, or he assumed that I would do it all because his mother liked to to cook, clean, etc. for fun.

jo_with_no_space's avatar

@Dibley I have had many of the thoughts that you have, reading through a few of your questions lately. I feel I have started to come out of the other side. Can I recommend a book to you? It’s called “Women Who Love Too Much”... I think it could really help you.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

—I can’t help but say how irritated I am every time I read about people being taken for granted in this manner. You have children together so if you ease up then they suffer along with the inequity to you. Your partner was/is a disgrace to the family unit.

Sophief's avatar

I don’t understand people that live together but still want to live a single life.

Dr_Dredd's avatar

What do you mean?

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