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HummerLady1950's avatar

Are there any widows who lost their husband in an instant, like I did?

Asked by HummerLady1950 (46points) April 9th, 2010

I lost my husband of 35 years in a car accident on August 17th, 2006. I am still having a hard time with this. I don’t know who I am without him.

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10 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

My mother lost her husband and was literally lost for several years. They had been married a long time, and she had to remake herself as an individual.

Gradually, she formed friendships and developed community through her church. She eventually bounced back and laughed again, but it took some time.

CaptainHarley's avatar

As he would have wished, you need to re-create yourself, becoming who you want to be while retaining loving memories of him. God bless!

ZAGWRITER's avatar

My grandpa and grandma were married 45 years when my grandpa was kind of crushed by a transmission in a car he was working on. My grandma had lots of support from the church and community (my grandpa was a deacon, they were founding members). She responded by getting a job in real estate for a couple of years while owning a floral and wedding shop for twenty years. I just sent her lots of new family pics, that had new photos of her great grandsons.

I hope you have the same kind of support that she did. God bless.

Dr_Dredd's avatar

I have not lost anyone, but I am afraid of losing my father to sudden death. Last Friday, he was in the kitchen for a midnight snack when he passed out. My mother heard the crash and found him on the floor. His breathing was initially labored and speech garbled, but he recovered quickly. He’s had a work-up that showed that he probably had a stroke in the past, and the current event was probably a TIA. He has poorly controlled diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol.

As my mom says, he’s a ticking time bomb for a stroke or heart attack. I’m steeling myself for the thought that we could lose him in the blink of an eye if he does not start taking care of himself better. Yesterday my mother told me that both she and his doctor read him the riot act, but I’m skeptical as to whether that will work.

So, it’s not a spouse, but I’m afraid of losing a parent. (Potentially two, since my mother would be devastated.)

Dog's avatar

HI Hummerlady,

Welcome to Fluther.

Please read this question

You are not alone here.

skfinkel's avatar

Dear Hummerlady,
I lost my husband of 33 years not instantly, but after a year long disease. Because they kept telling us there were cures, we kept thinking he would live, and then when there was finally nothing left to do, he died within a week—so in some weird way, it felt very sudden. However, we did have some time to prepare. What I think, though, is there is no preparation for the death of a spouse you love and have lived with for so long. It hits like a brick and that keeps happening for a long time. My husband died ten and a half years ago. In some ways, it feels like yesterday. In other ways, like an eternity. So much has happened since he died.
People will tell you that time heals the pain, and I found that to be true. Not the memory of him, which stays with me always (he told me before he died that he would always be with me in my heart), but the physical pain and terrible grief.
About five years after he died, I was finally able to leave our house, and moved to a city. That was a great change for me, even though it meant I had to leave the wonderful friends who had been with me through the duration of the experience. Yet, I am still an hour away, and see those people, and meanwhile have made new friends and am making a new life.
At some point I realized that he had his life, which was shorter than mine, and I had mine, which was mine to live fully.
Wishing you all the best.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@HummerLady1950 Hugs to you. Nothing will help but time.

welcome to fluther

ZEPHYRA's avatar

This won’t help much, but I wish you all the strength and courage to deal with your loss and pick up your pieces. Find that strength in those you love around you. Your husband will always be with you, in your heart, soul, memories, daily events, he can be everywhere when your thoughts are with him.

tranquilsea's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love dearly is hard, maybe the hardest thing we’ll go through. My mom died two years ago. She had pneumonia, or so we thought. She went rapidly downhill while the doctors tried to diagnose what was going on. It turned out she didn’t have pneumonia, she had Hamman-Rich Syndrome. Within 3 weeks she was dead. I am still shocked and I mourn her all the time.

I have had to redefine who I am. As she was an only child, who was orphaned at 11, all the family history suddenly became my responsibility. She was my co-conspriator in so many things.

Mourning is a process. It is not supposed to be fast because these people were dearly loved by us. But we need to get on with living, slowly. That means getting out into your community and doing things that you enjoy doing.

Try not be be hard on yourself. You will mourn for as long as you need to. But you may want to consider some therapy if the intensity doesn’t lessen and is really effecting how you are able to live your life.

thriftymaid's avatar

I’m sure there are millions.

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