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caz0202's avatar

How do i stand up to my overbearing mother?

Asked by caz0202 (4points) April 17th, 2010

Im 27 and live with my children and my partner. Before i met my partner my mum helped me a lot and still does as in she sees to the children when we are at work and will wait in for deliveries and things.
The thing is I have just found out that im pregnant again and although its planned and we are very happy I have a big dark cloud over me about telling mother! She is constantly making me feel like all my choices are wrong – she even had a arguement with me last week about what year i left school (I think I would know) and i know as soon as i tell her i will have to listen to her going on at me as she will be seeing to the children next week – she is not by the way going to have to see to them once my new baby is born as im not going back to work!
Any advice would help but not the obvious – tell her as im running out the door which i already thought of!

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12 Answers

tinyfaery's avatar

Have a discussion about how her behavior affects you. Tell her exactly what she does that upsets you so much. Tell her if she continues to do these things then you will not be able to maintain your relationship with her.

The biggest part of this is sticking to your boundaries. As soon as she starts in on you remind her of your discussion and remove yourself from her—hang-up or leave. Do it everytime she steps over your boundaries.

She will either learn to respect you or she will not have the pleasure of your company

DarkScribe's avatar

You are not going to get a quick answer here that will change a lifetime of conditioned response. You know what you need to do, you are going to have to bite the bullet and do it. This is something that your partner needs to also be involved in. Are you reluctant to involve him?

Pandora's avatar

Umm, [tiny]??? Wow your mom will be pissed. LOL
Its a moms job to be concerned. Nothing you can do. Just tell her. I’m sure she will be upset but she will still love you and no doubt the new grand baby. Some people just love to have something to complain about. So ignore it. As much as she complains, I bet what will probably make her most unhappy is that she may not get to see the grand kids as often. Make play dates with grandma so she doesn’t feel she is simply being kicked to the curb. Explain that she will now be able to be more like a grandma by spoiling the kids instead of having to fill in as a secondary mom. In time I’m sure she will be excited about the new arrival.

tinyfaery's avatar

She has the right to live her life without someone constantly second guessing her and pointing out her faults, no matter who it is. The title of mother does not give someone the right to nag and annoy people.

Dog's avatar

[Mod Says:] Above quip temporarily removed pending removal of personal info.

ucme's avatar

Throw her from the train?

gailcalled's avatar

Make a decision about what topics are off-limits, type out a list and hand it to her. Then stick to your guns and walk away if she reverts to inappropriate and bossy behavior. The only choice about who to change is limited to you.

marinelife's avatar

You need to separate yourself more from your mother before you will feel comfortable telling her to get out of your business.

It is hard to take services from her while still setting boundaries.

jazmina88's avatar

It’ so hard with the mother-daughter relationship, and boy do they know how to pour on the punishment. Too bad they dont accept us as we are and make us feel okay.

Be strong. Stand up for yourself. Nobody else will.

And congratulations!!!!

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Post restored, with personal information removed by Fluther.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I’m assuming your mother has provided you with free child care so you can continue to work, so her role as your parental unit has never moved from adult-child to adult-adult because she is mothering you, and mothering your children while you work.

This is the thing that must be addressed, and the only way to get there is to thank her for doing such a good job of helping you out when you really needed it, and that she has set a good example on how to mother, but you really need to be the adult for your children and set for them an example of being a good mother, too. Then tell her you are going to be a stay-at-home mom at the end of the year, and are looking forward to being able to just visit with her, and not have to continue to make demands on her generosity. And, by the way, another baby’s coming.

Sincerity's avatar

It’s hard to deal with overbearing moms – I had one for awhile until I stood up to her. I wasn’t mean about it, I just informed her that I’m in my twenties, and I have the right to live my own life now without her interference. I would say that the main thing is confidence. It’s possible that your mother doesn’t really realize what she’s doing, so remaining calm is also important when and if you decide to speak with her. Let her know that you make your own decisions, and while she may choose something different if she was in your position, you are not the same as she is. Just because she birthed you doesn’t mean you’re identical creatures, and maybe sometimes she forgets that.

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