Social Question

ilsf's avatar

Would it be backstabbing if I was talking to a guy my friend was recently talking to?

Asked by ilsf (26points) June 14th, 2010

My friend was talking to a guy for a while, they were “together” but not dating. After a while she stopped talking to him, and moved on to different guys and is currently talking to someone different. The guy my friend use to be talking to is now starting to talk to me, and I’m sure its not in a friendly way, he obviously wants something more than just being friends. My friend has moved on from him, and doesn’t talk to him anymore. But she has a tendency to keep all the boys she once talked to, to herself. For example she gets mad when other girls talk to the guys she has associated with. And me being her friend I don’t want a guy to get into our friendship. She’s already moved on and talking to other guys, and she doesn’t care for him anymore. I enjoy talking to him. Should I continue talking to him? Would it risk our friendship? Please help! Thank you all very so much!

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10 Answers

Merriment's avatar

It may risk your friendship. I say this because if your friend is so territorial that she feels she has dibs on all the guys she ever talked to even if they are no longer “talking” then she is likely to see any friend of hers that talks to one of these guys as poaching on her turf.

Having said that, is it really fair of her to think that these guys should be off limits for ever more to any of her friends? I don’t think so.

If you worry that she will see it as something you have done behind her back…then tell her right upfront and to her face that you have been and intend to keep talking to this guy.

If you enjoy talking to him…do it. Don’t let her issues with letting go keep you from talking to someone you enjoy talking with. That isn’t friendship…it’s enslavement.

Randy's avatar

You should do what makes you happy. If she gets upset, it will be because of immaturity. She doesn’t own rights to any boys.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I don’t think it’s right how girls can be so possessive of men they’ve dated in the past. However, having said that.. maybe you should ask your friend how she feels about it. If you value your friendship, then I’m sure you want to at least attempt to keep the peace. If you still feel like you want to pursue things with this guy, and your friend says she will be upset. Then do what is best for YOU.

ninjacolin's avatar

Just talk to your friend about it so there’s no secrets. If it’s a problem for her she’ll let you know. If it’s a problem for you that she has a problem with it.. then you should let her know.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I would say in this case that if she has a problem with it, she has a major flaw. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who had zero interest in a male but still tried to make him off-limits for her friends. First, it implies that she somehow owns the males, which is extremely degrading to them. Secondly, it implies that she’s extremely immature in general.

dutchbrossis's avatar

You need to talk to her about it, if she is your friend she will have a conversation about this. Then if she has a problem with it you need to weigh what is more important, talking to him or your friendship.

MissA's avatar

What exactly does “talking to” mean?

Were they having sex or really JUST talking?

What happens if she talks with someone you’ve been “talking to”?

Thus far, she sounds spoiled and immature, to me.

Axemusica's avatar

Why are you friends with this person? Honestly, if you had a cute boyfriend at your side, who’s to say she wouldn’t try to take him away from you?

If she’s done with him, she’s done with him. If she gets all butt hurt about you talking to him now, tough titty, her loss.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Always be truthful. So, talk to her.

“Tinky, I know that you and Horgy were an item at one time. I value our friendship more than anything and I want you to know that. Horgy has been seeking me out and talking to me. I have a feeling that he wants to date me…and I wanted to let you know because I don’t want it to affect our friendship.” Take it from there. After you hear what she says, you can decide.

I will relate a personal story concerning this——many years ago, I met a fantastic guy. We hit it off really well. It was while I was travelling and living with a family abroad. There was a woman (who was a friend) who took me aside and said, “Oh, you don’t want to date X, he is just not a nice guy….he will break your heart…blah blah….” I didn’t pay attention and he and I got along famously. We just really were happy. I eventually left the country and he and I drifted apart, but we still loved each other. About a year after our last communication, I heard from mutual friends…that the woman who warned me about him (my friend, mind you) was ENGAGED to him! I felt betrayed, really. They did not get married, they broke up eventually. But I felt fairly awful. I wish that she had been honest with me and/or called me to tell me. I realized that she wanted to be with him the whole time.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Hello dear @ilsf The answer to the initial question is probably “no.” ‘Backstabbing’ is when you talk negatively about someone behind their back…meaning to another person. As most of us have learned, when you talk about someone, it often gets back to them, and not always in the way it was intended.

This person may be a friend in many aspects, but she has no right to hold it against you if you talk to this guy. When she finds out that you are talking to him, she will probably back-stab you. It is up to you to decide which relationship you want to continue with. Personally, I’d choose the guy, as it sounds more promising in the long run.

My only advice is to not say a negative word about your girl friend. Ever. It won’t do any good, and you will gain more respect that way. Best of luck, and let us know how it all turns out!

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