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kelmo's avatar

My girlfriend of 10yrs wants me to distant myself from my family...

Asked by kelmo (55points) June 19th, 2010

I’m also a girl and we have been together for so long. We have been living together for five years and when I go over for family events my girlfriend doesn’t go. Nobody knows about us being together and my mom has already told me that she will no approve of me being gay. My parents don’t really like my girlfriend that much because she was the person I left home with. Everytime we have an agrument it’s about the same thing that she isn’t invited to go to my family events. What should I do she wants me to quit going to family events from now on?

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12 Answers

Merriment's avatar

It sounds like your girlfriend rightly assumes that eventually it is going to come down to a choice between her and your family. And she wants you to choose her.

I imagine she does bring up her failure to be included in your family events. You are basically “hiding” her from your judgmental family so that they won’t reject you. That can’t make her feel good about your level of commitment to her.

I hate to hear of parents who have or will reject their child for their child being gay. It’s so wrong to reject your child for any reason. Let alone rejecting them for who they love.

When you do get around to making the choice of who to please I hope your girlfriend is still around and that you see that the person who loves you is the one who has been willing to be hurt by you over and over by being cut out of your “family” life.

dpworkin's avatar

I suggest that you not allow her to put any distance between yourself and your family. In the best of all worlds, you would come out to your parents, they would get over it, and the two of you would visit as a couple. Failing that, I suppose you must visit alone.

Silhouette's avatar

I would take my partner to the very next family function and I’d expect them to treat her decent, if they didn’t I would take my partner by the hand and we would leave together. She deserves some respect from you. Your family should have some respect for you.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You could just announce it at the next family gathering, “In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m gay. I’ve been in a relationship with the same person for 10 years, and we’ve been living together for the last 5 years. It’s a pretty committed relationship. My mom is uncomfortable with who I am, so I thought I would just get it out in the open. Any questions?”

tinyfaery's avatar

I’m surprised this is all she wants. Frankly, I’m surprised she is still with you. You are treating her like you are ashamed of her and by not including her in your family you are exhibiting to your family that you are, indeed, ashamed of her, and your love for her.

You have already chosen your family over your girlfriend. She has been second in your life for 10 years. It’s time to let your family know that you are gay and you love this woman, and that you expect them to treat her like part of the family. If you can’t do that then let her go. She deserves better.

Jeruba's avatar

Tough answer, @tinyfaery, but it rings true. GA.

janbb's avatar

That’s a tough issue. Nobody should have to choose between their partner and their family. Maybe it’s time to start talking to your family about your partner and the fact that you are gay. It might be some time before you can bring her with you but if she sees that you are acknowledging her to your family and want to start including her, it will eventually be resolved. If your family really loves you, it is to be hoped they will come to accept you for who you are.

SamIAm's avatar

I think that @tinyfaery (although a little harsh) is right… and I like the way @PandoraBoxx‘s suggested bringing it up. Be definite .. and defiant… if you really love your girlfriend, you have to show her. Good luck!! And let us know how it goes…

tinyfaery's avatar

Sorry if I was harsh. I have too much experience with this.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
dpworkin's avatar

@tinyfaery I thought you were realistic. It made me reevaluate my post. The family has an obligation to be welcoming, and if they can’t handle it, well, they made the choice. No reason the girlfriend should suffer.

Aster's avatar

@tinyfaery I agree/ great answer.

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