Social Question

blueberry_kid's avatar

What do you do when your best friend hates you?

Asked by blueberry_kid (5653 points ) November 6th, 2010

My friend Katie and where friends that were like paper and glue, insepreable. We met at a volleyball camp and we’ve been friends ever since.
But later on in the school year, she started hating me. Well, meaning we started fighting more, she started having a “better best friend”, and her mom died of cancer. But what was worse was she treated me like crap, and still does to this day.
Ive been calling her and trying to figure things out and she gets annoyed by it. So do I, but she starts it. I really dont know what happend, she just started treating me like…shit.
I really need help, im even tearing up just writing this, I dont know what to do. Ive tried talking to my mom, and no help.

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19 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

Unfortunately, if she is set in the way things are, there is little you can do. I would write her a letter explaining how you are hurt by this sudden change and telling her that you miss her friendship and then leave it up to her to contact you. If she doesn’t respond, it shows you that she no longer values the friendship you had and that you will have to find a way to move on.

anartist's avatar

I wouldn’t even write. When you are reduced to letter-writing, meaningful communication has already ended.
Accept it and look for a new best friend. If Katie notices that you don’t seem to need her any more, she may make an effort to renew your friendship because the dynamic will have changed. And whether she does or she doesn’t, you have your new best friend.

KhiaKarma's avatar

Sounds like she is going through a tough time tight now. She may view you as a part of her life before her mom passed away. And she needs some distance (Her having a new best friend and treating you like crap is not worse than her mom dying of cancer…..) She may just need some time to heal.

If you really think that your friendship problems are more important than what’s going on with her, it is probably driving a wedge between you. You giving her the heat to work things out may not be the best approach. I know that you are upset right now by what has transpired, but taking a step back while letting her know that you’re there may be the best approach.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Some of this could be a reaction to the stress of her mother having cancer, and then dying. Sometimes when this happens when you’re in high school, your anger at your mom’s illness and death takes the form of reinventing yourself. Perhaps this is what’s going on with Katie; it’s her way of coping with her mom being gone.

You can’t make her go back to being your friend, but if she does decide that she wants to be your friend again, take her back, no questions asked.

blueberry_kid's avatar

@KhiaKarma Im trying to give her as much sympathy as I can, but then she denies it and freaks out. Although her mom died 4 months ago, i kind of agree.

Andreas's avatar

@astrix24 Such is life in general. People move on all the time, and while this situation is unpleasant, I feel in, say, five years, it won’t have any effect on you at all.

Should you write a letter or not? I would, if for no other reason than your former friend may see you in a different light. That is, you took the time and effort to put something in writing.

A snail-mail letter would probably be better than email as this takes more effort and probably has a better chance of delivery.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

KhiaKarma's avatar

@astrix24 you kind of agree with what?

She may just need space. in my experience, forcing anything (especially if she’s feaking out) is not positive. Just give her some room. Tru Blu friendship is a balancing act. You come and go with more and less intensity as needed. You may be in a spot sometime where you will need more understanding of space and time.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Give her space, never pass up an opportunity to say something nice about her, and try to make a wider circle of friends if you can.

blueberry_kid's avatar

@KhiaKarma and @BarnacleBill Thats what im trying to do, im giving her plenty of time to“heal” and im always saying something nice to her, but again, she freaks. Maybe, is it me?

KhiaKarma's avatar

@astrix24 how can she freak if she is the one intitiating the contact? If you are initiating contact, stop. Let her come to you. The letter thing could be a good idea to express a sentiment and leave the “ball” in her court. Just live your life, let her figure out hers. Pushing will not help in this situation.

What do you mean by “she freaks”?

Deja_vu's avatar

@astrix24 Brighten up. There’s lots of other friends in the sea. If she treats you like crap just move on…. Friends should be good to eachother. Maybe she’s jealous of you over something. That is what usually makes a girl act all bitchy.

lillycoyote's avatar

@astrix24 My advice would be to step away and move on, not necessarily forever, but for now. In general, a best friend who hates you is not a best friend, but she’s most certainly going through some very, very difficult times, because of the death of her mother. Give her some space and time. Putting pressure on her to “be your best friend” now might only make things worse for her, for you, for the friendship. She’s hurting and may be lashing out at you, but she could end up hurting you and you hurting her, there could be misunderstandings, to the point where the damage to the friendship is irreparable. She may come around, in time. If you do need to say anything, maybe call her and say “I know this is a hard time for you, if you ever need anything, let me know, but for right now I’m going to give you some room. I’m here whenever you need me, whenever you want to come back, I just want you to know that.” I don’t think there is ever one perfect, guaranteed way to deal with these things. Maybe someone else has a better answer, I hope they do.

KhiaKarma's avatar

@Deja_vu are you serious with the whole jealous bitchy thing? Her mother just died…. where do you have any evidence in the OP’s question that she was jealous????

MissA's avatar

One best friend is not always possible…sometimes, having many different friends is the better answer. At your age, it seems as if we need a best friend to lean on, to confer with, to help lighten the loads we feel are unbearable. But, in our youthful days, best friends come and go because everyone is growing in different directions and at different speeds. That’s a part of life. Then, add the stress of tragedies.

No one friend should be ‘everything’. Maybe you will have a friend that you go shopping with…a friend you go to games with…a friend(s) you hang out with at lunch.

Also, at your young age, things sometimes seem larger than life. And, perhaps, that is the case here.

You are hurt…that comes through loud and clear. Time, however, is your best friend. Reach out to some others…try to focus on your school work and be as kind to everyone as you know how.

A big hug your way as you try to sort out things. Sometimes though, just backing away and looking at it objectively (if possible) is the best thing you can do.

Good luck.

Randy's avatar

I hate to sound like an uncaring dick but, maybe she’s not your best friend. It takes two people to have any kind of relationship and that includes friendship. It’s a two way street. Why would you even want to be friends with someone who was acting the way that you described her actions? I say just forget her and move on. There are better people and things to spend your time and worries on.

Mikewlf337's avatar

She isn’t your best friend anymore and you move on. It is that simple.

desertr0se's avatar

I would just find another best friend.

lovable's avatar

Ignore her. She will eventually realize that she will end up loosing you if she keeps that attitude up. If she confronts you about ignoring her just tell her exactly why. The way she’s treating you and everything. Then you will figure out what really happened. She’s just going threw a LOT at the moment. She probably afraid she is going to loose you because of her mom. It’s something are mind tells us that we don’t know. That meaning she probably doesn’t think that it’s just that her sub-conscious mind does.

blueberry_kid's avatar

I ended up finding a new best friend, thanks everyone. Katie is still “ugggh” and on my nerves, i just completley zone her out, thanks

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