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Ailia's avatar

How can I help my friend?

Asked by Ailia (1363 points ) January 13th, 2010

Today my friend’s ex-boyfriend just spread a nasty rumor about how she slept with him. Then he told her parents as well and, surprisingly, they believed him. Which is ridiculous because one, she never slept with him and two, they should believe their own daughter over some random boy.
Anyways the fact of the matter is that her parents believe him over her. Because of this, she is being forced to move to her mom’s house, which is 350 miles away. So I’m wondering what I can do to help her.
I thought about trying to make her ex tell the truth, but I don’t know if I can convince him. He is pretty stubborn and I don’t know him that well.
So any ideas?

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21 Answers

nikayamo's avatar

This is a fairly delicate situation, and hitting the ex over the head with a bat and yelling at him to tell the truth wont help. I would advise going to a trusted adult with your friend, and telling them your side of the story. Hopefully this will get some just results, and allow your friend to stay.

filmfann's avatar

How on earth did this boy end up telling her parents they slept together?
There isn’t much you can do here. Stay out of it.

Ailia's avatar

@nikayamo Thats a good idea, but I don’t think she would feel comfortable doing that. She feels that if they believed him then whats the point of trying to convince them anyways? That lack of trust is a deep wound for her and she feels angry. However I still think there can be something done about this situation and I’m trying to figure out what. @filmfann Well he has met them before and I think, from my understanding, that he called them. But I am not a 100% sure, so don’t quote me on that. However I am more concerned with how to help my friend and I don’t think I should just sit back. I really don’t want to lose my friend. Especially over something so ridiculous.

evandad's avatar

They’re her parents and they get to decide what’s best for her.

Cruiser's avatar

Sometimes even a friend is the last to know…not much you can do at this point anyway.

Ailia's avatar

@evandad Thats true but it doesn’t necessarily make it right. Not by a long shot.
@Cruiser So you don’t think I have a chance at convincing him to take it back?

Cruiser's avatar

This is your friends cross to bear…go by what she is communicating to you. If she swears he BF is setting her up maybe you can convince the BF to come clean but crossed lovers don’t think too straight for a long long time and no matter how hard you try, your friend may just have to go with the flow her parents set forth.

Ailia's avatar

@Cruiser Great Answer. I think that is what I will do.

MagsRags's avatar

If you want to try, you could ask your friend for permission to call her parents yourself so you can tell them of your sincere belief that the boy is lying. It could possibly work, especially if you know them.

Ailia's avatar

@MagsRags I appreciate the idea but I doubt that she would let me. However if it works I will tell you. :)

Daisygirl's avatar

If she’s never done “it” before I think maybe a trip to a gynocologist might prove that she hasn’t ever had relations. There are a few things that could interfere with the results (i.e. using a tampon, putting foreign objects up there) but if she is sexually pure then I think the Obgyn would be able to decipher whether she was a virgin or not. Worth a shot if she’s not happy where she’s going.

Supacase's avatar

I know that this situation sucks from your perspective – losing your friend when you’re a teen (I’m assuming you two are in high school) is really hard. My best friend had to move from VA to her mom’s in WI when we were in 11th grade because of a similarly ridiculous thing. I would have done anything to keep her in VA, but I think there was a part of her that really wanted to go no matter how much she said otherwise because she didn’t think there was much reason to fight it either.

I understand that you want to help and I know this may not be easy, but try to follow her lead on this one. Sometimes we don’t know everything about even our very best friends. If she wants your help, go all in. If she prefers that you just leave it then you should respect that.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It’s very possible that the reason that they are sending her to live at her mother’s is to get her away from the damage the lies will do to her reputation.

You can try talking to they guy and try making him see the seriousness of the damage that he’s done to her life. Better yet, make sure that his parents know what he’s done to this girl.

bean's avatar

This ex sounds like a total jerk head and your friend is in a bit of a crappy situation….
but her parents sound like idiots if they are so easy to believe some one else over their own duaghter….and to make her move cuz of this situation….stupid parents…
If they were intimate….so what, people get close and make love… and sometimes, after wards people can be absolute idiots when things go sour at some point in a relationship…
his parents have to say something to him… some one must tell him he’s is WRONG and it has to come from some one who he’s going to listen to… but even being a good friend to her you can’t do much… but maybe help her out with whats coming next.

bean's avatar

maybe in the long run the truth will come out….but you can’t be too sure what really happened… just communicate with her, and keep things smooth… don’t be too cuaght up between their problems. But for him to go around telling people is bad enough and I reckon as a friend you can tell him off for that, but be smart about how you talk to him about it.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Assure your friend you believe her. Tell her you will stay her friend and you will keep in touch with her. Ask her if there is anything she thinks you can do to help.

Janka's avatar

A gyneacologist will not be able to tell if you have had sex, and neither will anyone else by just looking at you. See e.g. Vaginal Corona: Myths surrounding virginity for some quality info.

As to the question itself, I cannot help feeling something is missing from the story. The boy called the girls’ parents and said “O hai! I had sex with your daughter!”—and they did not think this weird of any sort, and decide to send her away? And the girl is not comfortable having another trusted adult try and talk the parents out of it, despite not wanting to move? This just does not make sense to me.

Ailia's avatar

@Janka Yeah it is a pretty weird story, but theres no point in wondering about this story anymore. She sat down with her parents and explained in detail what had been going on.
After that they started to believe her and then they decided that she did not have to move. It all worked out. So I’m happy. The conflict is solved. :)

Janka's avatar

@Ailia Good to hear it is solved. And yes, with the ending “but then she sat down with the parents to talk and explained and now it is better” it makes more sense. I suppose not only are people too quick to judge, but often when judged quickly we are too quick to anger, and then refuse to give our side, assuming “if they loved me, they would know it already!” and getting madder and madder when others turn out not to be telepathic. Been there, done that. ;)

Ailia's avatar

@Janka I totally agree. And thanks for contributing to my thread, you added a lot of depth, I appreciate that. I’m so glad this is all solved, you know? :)

MissA's avatar

The truth eventually emerges…your friend is fortunate it came out relatively fast. Ein Prosit.

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