General Question

Disc2021's avatar

Someone you're seeing sleeps in the same bed as one of your friends. Is this awkward, yes or no?

Asked by Disc2021 (4483 points ) February 10th, 2011

So you start seeing someone for, lets say a month. Everything is going well, you have no real “establishment” or titles but you both are mutually evident and confidently exclusive. You step out of town for a weekend and your interest (we’ll say “Date”) ends up bumping into a friend of yours (which we’ll label, “Friend”) while they were out with other friends. The group ends up hanging out together for the night and at the end, Friend asks Date if they could sleep over Date’s place as Friend is too drunk to drive themselves back to their place. Although Date has other friends sleeping in the same room as well, Date agrees and they both sleep in the same bed (mind you, Date only has a single sized bed). Date after the fact informs you of the night soon there after but doesn’t exactly clarify who ended up sleeping where.

You inquire about the situation, and later learn that Friend and Date slept in the same but Date then swears on the holy grail of Honesty and Trust that nothing happened between the two of them, they didn’t kiss, touch, have sex, etc. and that Date doesn’t have any feelings what so ever for Friend.

Circumstantial, yes. Friend was drunk and didn’t have anywhere else to stay. However, what are your thoughts on this, given you were in this situation?

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43 Answers

mammal's avatar

Definitely time for a cooling off period.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I don’t believe a person sleeps in a bed next to a person that they wouldn’t potentially like to have sex with. Even if they didn’t do anything sexual that time, I would be hard pressed to believe the feelings didn’t exist.

SavoirFaire's avatar

One, I don’t date people I don’t trust. Two, I’m not friends with people I don’t trust. If they both swear nothing happened, then nothing happened.

Also, most of my friends are heterosexual women, as are most of the people I’ve dated (some were bisexual women). The likelihood of sexual escapades is negligible.

faye's avatar

As someone who has done this in my past, it is very true that 2 friends can share a bed because of circumstances with no sex involved.

downtide's avatar

The first question I would ask, is are Friend and Date of the right gender to be attracted to each other? If they’re not, then I would immediately stop worrying about it.

In fact to be honest I personally wouldn’t be too worried at all, under this particular set of circumstances. There were several people sleeping over at the time, and what other choice did Friend have at the time? It’s awkward, yes, but it’s not an immediate sign of unfaithfulness.

And to respond to @ANef_is_Enuf I have in very similar circumstances, more than once, shared a bed with someone I was not in the least sexually attracted to and neither were they attracted to me.

augustlan's avatar

Unless I had another reason to suspect infidelity, it wouldn’t worry me. It might bother me (I am only human), but I’d know it was irrational and would overcome it.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@downtide when there were other options, you chose to sleep next to them? I just don’t see why anyone would go out of their way to sleep next to someone if there was an alternative.

funkdaddy's avatar

I also ended up doing this quite a bit when I would go out drinking.

It’s less “let’s get in bed with Friend” and more “that bed has a mattress, pillows, and warm blankets. The floor has a sheet and my jacket rolled up under my head”... it seemed an easy choice.

I really didn’t think anything of it until my girlfriend at the time said it made her uncomfortable when she wasn’t also there. After that’d I’d just sleep somewhere other than the bed. It wasn’t a deal breaker either way.

I always thought of it as a better option than driving to my own warm bed after drinking.

Disc2021's avatar

@downtide Yes, lets assume both Friend and Date are of the right gender (more specifically, sexuality) to be attracted to one another.

Also, I should add, Friend could have also slept at one of their friend’s places (the person he was “out” with to begin with) but instead opted to stay with Date.

downtide's avatar

@ANef_is_Enuf because a bed is much more comfortable and warmer than sleeping on the floor without any proper blankets, pillow or mattress. In circumstances like that groups of us have sometimes drawn lots for the bed and the couch.

augustlan's avatar

@ANef_is_Enuf I’ve slept in beds with friends (male and female) with no sexual intentions or activity. I suppose if I’d never done it myself it might bother me more.

Disc2021's avatar

@downtide Right, but place yourself in the scenario is what I’m asking. Maybe I should have also added that Friend and Date don’t particularly know each other that well – we all aren’t mutual friends, Friend is a friend of mine and Date is someone I’m seeing. I just feel as if it’s… a little inappropriate for someone you’re dating to readily share a bed (a very small bed at that, you could just barely fit two small-sized people on it) with one of your friends, regardless. If Date were as serious/careful/trustworthy as they’d like us to think, wouldn’t they have reasoned that the whole situation would appear shady and to avoid such confusion, just have told Friend to go on with their original plans and sleep where they had originally intended on sleeping for the night?

I totally get the whole sleeping in beds with friends you aren’t attracted to, but literately, these two have only met each other maybe very briefly twice before this incident. I’ve tried this justification, It’s just not sitting well with me. I would not sleep in a 4-inch max proximity with someone I barely know as an acquaintance UNLESS I literately had no better place to go – which in the situation I’ve described, I would’ve had the option of just going back to the friend’s place I was originally hanging out with. Which makes me think, there were other motivations.

Also, when I asked Friend about how his night went, he totally left out the “sleeping in the same bed as Date” part or even staying at Date’s place all together.

Maybe I’m just over-analytical, but, I just don’t see the point in continuing things with Date unless I feel 100% confident that I know all of the matter-of-fact details. Maybe it’s the fear of finding out the full story somewhere down the line or just never knowing the actual truth that scares me, but I’d rather be cautious than be made a complete fool of.

Axemusica's avatar

I have slept in beds with potential sexual possibility, but nothings happened. It was mutual as to not “complicate” things, even if we weren’t really good friends. Although, I’ve had a a slew of bad instances with a previous significant other and this probably makes my opinion biased. There for I say, focus on trust. Both from Date and Friend.

augustlan's avatar

Did Date give a reason for why she chose to sleep at your friend’s house, rather than her friend’s house? Did it seem legitimate?

sarahjane90's avatar

I have slept in the same bed as a few of my male friends, particularly if we went outthat night together and one was staying at the others’ house. Nothing ever happened, and I had a boyfriend. Although I wouldn’t be impressed if my boyfriend did it, I wouldn’t make a huge deal because I’ve done it myself with no funny business!

Disc2021's avatar

@augustlan Friend slept at Date’s house. If what you meant to ask was “Did Friend give a reason as to why they chose Date’s place over the other friends” – I’ve yet to confront Friend about the situation. When inquired, though, Friend didn’t mention the part of even saying at Date’s place… which makes the whole thing sound even more suspicious. Friend’s other friend was drunk and passed out at his place, which is where Friend originally intended on staying but instead walked his friend back to his place and went to Date’s place.

@sarahjane90 That’s different – unless you’re saying you’ve gone out and ended up sleeping in a friend of your boyfriend’s but not exactly a friend of yours’ bed. Had them have had an established friendship relation known amongst the three of us, perhaps I’d feel a little different. However, I think it’s a little strange for a date of yours and a friend of yours to share a bed. What would your reaction be if your boyfriend told you that while he was out drinking the other night, he bumped into one of your friends and they ended up staying the night at his place, in his bed – but only because your friend was drunk and insisted in staying with him as opposed to getting back to their original arranged destination?

laura420's avatar

True: Two people can share a bed without having a sexual encounter, but such an act while in a commitment of any kind is disrespectful to all parties involved. It should have come up immediately in the next exclusive conversation between committed parties. This being said, I think as a girl, she was buying time. She may be innocent but , I think as someone who has given to many people a second chance just so they could hurt me twice, I think it should be seriously evaluated while early on in said commitment, and decided accordingly. Is it worth the strain that this event is gaurenteed to cause? Thats the question. Is she worth it. AND Do you think her answer would be the same about you? Would YOU be worth the strain (and possibly temptations to test these new found limits…) for her? Evaluation by those involved should be the deciding factor in these types of situation. Step back and take a look as if it were happening to someone else and try to act accordingly.

augustlan's avatar

Ok, so I had this backward. It does seem a tad strange that your friend stayed at Date’s place, when he had another place already arranged, and then didn’t mention it to you at all. It could be that the drinks didn’t fully ‘hit’ him until he was at Date’s place, and it could be that he didn’t mention it because he worried about how you’d take it. All in all, I think a talk with Friend is in order.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Personally, I am inclined to be suspicious of this situation. It’s far too much like something I went through with my psycho ex and I have less tolerance for this kind of thing because of it. I’d be asking some questions to both of them and, depending on what is said, I would have to see how things felt and whether I believed them. I don’t see any reason why two people who are not sexually or romantically involved would share a single bed.. that’s not even comfortable and barely feasible when you’re all up on someone, and you’d pretty much have to be, to share such a small bed. That seems rather suspect, to me.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I’m not saying that I’ve never shared a bed with my friends, and it was 100% platonic. I’m saying that choosing to sleep next to an acquaintance.. even if nothing sexual happened… wouldn’t be likely unless there was an attraction.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t see any other reason for this. This is especially wrong since both people knew that Date was seeing the OP.

Cruiser's avatar

IMO a month of dating someone is not enough time to go and think you know someone well enough let alone assume some established exclusivity with your relationship. Bottom line is she snuggled up with this dude…you OK with that?

mrentropy's avatar

” Friend’s other friend was drunk and passed out at his place, which is where Friend originally intended on staying but instead walked his friend back to his place and went to Date’s place.”

For me, the story falls apart right there. I’ll admit I’ve known some pretty odd people in my time and it wouldn’t surprise me if Friend went to Date’s place because he didn’t want to spend the night with a heaving drunk, but that would only be if Friend and Date were already friends. This is not the case here, so I find it surprising that if Friend had already been home up and left to Date’s place.

Axemusica's avatar

So, let me get this straight. thee “Friend” was actualy at his own place of residents before leaving to Date’s place?

Something’s fishy here & I don’t think it’s the jellyfish.

Coloma's avatar

I’d be more concerned about the drinking habits that led to having to share a bed.

I’d also say that it is possible to share a bed without any sexual arousal with a person one is friends with, but, again, why borrow potential trouble?

Also, it depends on the age of the people.

My daughter is 23 and she and her friends have shared beds before on party nights but, I am 51….sooo, I’d be much more inclined to not make too big of a deal over it if the people in question are 21 instead of 51. hahaha

Years ago my ex husband got so drunk at a neighbors party he climbed into bed with the neighbors wife one night after I went home. lol

The floor plans of our houses were identical and I knew that he and my friend had no attractions to each other in ‘that’ way, so, while not thrilled I didn’t make a federal case out of it.

I ended up divorcing him because his drinking was a problem, well, one of them anyway. ;-)

Seaofclouds's avatar

You’ve only been together for a month, so I can understand being concerned. You’re still really getting to know each other and trust each other. If you feel this is a deal breaker for you, then that is what it is. I can understand wanting to get the whole story, so maybe you should get Date and Friend together and get the true story from them at that time. Maybe have them both over for dinner.

Sharing a bed doesn’t necessarily mean anything happened, but I can understand your concern. I’ve slept in beds with friends and people I barely knew at different conventions I’ve been to. We use to pack as many people as we could in a room to save money. While it’s a different situation, I’m just saying people can share beds with people they barely know without it being a matter of attraction or something sexual. Though, once my husband and I got serious dating, we talked about it and agreed I’d no longer share beds with men at those conventions (we could share rooms, but not beds) out of respect for my husband (boyfriend at that time).

Regardless of what any of us really think, it’s up to you. If you feel you need all the information, confront them about it again and tell them you want the truth. If you want to continue dating this person, explain why it bothers you and go from there. Only you can decide if this is someone you want to continue to date.

glenjamin's avatar

The fact that he tried to hide it irks me even more than the fact it happened. Obviously he thought it would offend you on some level, so why do it in the first place? I would be put off by this situation.

6rant6's avatar

It really doesn’t matter what happened. Two things do matter.

1 Is this going to be problem for you in the future?
If you don’t trust Date because of this incident, or if you have a big thing about being fooled and will eventually err on the side of throwing the baby out with the bath water, then you have to change that attitude or find someone else.

2 Is this event an indication of what Date is going to do in the future?
Maybe this is part of a pattern, and you’re thinking you might have had enough. If date tests the envelope frequently, you need to decide if you want the drama. If not – move on.

Disc2021's avatar

@Axemusica Yup, my thoughts exactly.

@Seaofclouds I’ve thought about that and it sounds like a good idea in theory – but I’m imagining it would probably just echo the same “Nothing happened, nothing to worry about” I’ve been getting. Idk. Another talk with the both of them is definitely in order.

@glenjamin – I’m extremely put off by this situation.

@6rant6 1. I simply don’t know what to think about this incident. On one end, I’m thinking “Oh, Date would never do anything like that, especially with the way things have been going”. On the other, I’m thinking “Um, don’t be stupid, this wouldn’t be the first time someone lied to you blatantly, with a straight face”. I haven’t found a happy medium.

2. My thoughts exactly – now I feel as if I can’t just step out of town for the weekend without expecting some sort of awkward story (or lack thereof) when I return. This is already generating more “drama” then I’d like to deal with.

I’m not “done” but I’m certainly not happy. If I do decide to keep things rolling, I’m definitely taking a giant step backward from where I was at. I’m the type that if I can’t forget about something, then I truly won’t forgive.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t think all that much of it. I have to trust them, right?

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir in all fairness, you don’t have to trust anyone. However, if you don’t trust the person you’re with, that speaks volumes.

ette_'s avatar

@Disc2021: although the entire situation seems a bit awkward, from reading all of the details so far, I would be more inclined to actually kick “Friend” to the curb than “Date” if you are actually thinking of ending a relationship. That being said, I don’t think that what “Date” did was necessarily right, and a more appropriate thing might have been for “Date” to give “Friend” the bed and sleep somewhere else or vice versa, but it really sounds like “Friend” initiated and a lot of the times the initiator ends up getting his or her way because we are all, as humans, tempted and if something/relationship wasn’t strong enough to begin with and something new is floating in our face, things happen.

I hope you get some closure or are able to find some peace with it. But ultimately I think that “Friend” needs to be re-evaluated as a friend. I am assuming that “Friend” already knew you and “Date” were seeing each other?

wundayatta's avatar

Apologies if this is repetitive, but I didn’t read the whole thing.

Do your date a favor and break it off. You have jealousy coming out your ears. If you think passed out people fuck each other and stay there, I don’t know what you think relationships are.

Your friend and date just slept. I’d believe that. I do believe that. The fact that you are making such a big issue of this shows you have got an inability to trust—both your own judgment as well as other people. If I were you, I’d work on that before I tried another relationship.

Let her go. Even if you don’t, you’ll find something to fight about soon, and then it’ll be over. Jealousy together with lack of trust is a serious problem. Your analytical mind has let you down, making up stories where there are, in my opinion, none to be made up. You’re making yourself crazy. Stop it.

6rant6's avatar

@wundayatta Being jealous isn’t insurmountable – whether or not the jealousy is justified. It’s a matter of assessing the value of doing so. Personally, I can say that overcoming my own jealousy helped me become a better person. Not that I didn’t leave some carnage along the way…

Axemusica's avatar

Find new friends and there’s plenty of fish…

A few rules of thumb I’ll point out (with holding my bias aside).
1. Did friend know about You and Date before hand? If so, what he did was beyond a “friendly” thought and I really wouldn’t consider him a friend at all.
2. Date shouldn’t have allowed anyone to sleep with her in such a small bed knowing that the possibility of touching was inevitable. Usually touching leads somewhere.
3. Why and how did Date show up to this event anyway? The party that is, because they didn’t go out drinking right? they stayed in?

I myself hate drama and I know that being in a relationship drama with come and go, but this type right here. The type that says, “WTF were they thinking?” or “What did they think I was going to think about this?” is the type that throws up a flag for me. I wouldn’t have even asked this question. I would’ve gotten friend to admit what he did was bullshit and been done with it.

Disc2021's avatar

@wundayatta Do me a favor and read all of the details before you decide to comment. They weren’t “passed out”, they had drinks and slept together in the same bed. Again, I’m even recognizing that I might be over-analyzing or being too suspicious and that’s why I’ve asked such a question to begin with; I wanted to know what others would think, given that situation and if my uncertainty is justified. Perhaps it could jealousy that got the best of me, there is certainly some uncertainty in this situation and if there’s anything I dont do anymore while dating, it’s uncertainty.

While you make a valid point, frankly, I dont like your tone and your post sounds like more of a personal attack than constructive criticism. Sounds like your own personal insecurities came out more than any genuine sound advice. This isn’t specifically to you but to anyone else if you’re going to be downright rude, I don’t want to hear what you have to say.

@hurtntired That’s what it’s starting to sound like – that the Friend had ulterior motives and Date didn’t want to make any bad blood between the two of them, so just “went with it”.

@Axemusica 1. Yes. 2. EXACTLY MY POINT!! 3. They all were out separately – Date was with his friends and Friend was with a friend. They somehow bumped into each other after drinking, Friend’s friend was too drunk so they all walked him back to his place and Friend, Date and Date’s friends went back to Date’s place. This is why I dont get why Friend wouldn’t have just stayed with his friend, like he originally planned.

I absolutely hate drama and this is what bugs me – it’s been completely drama-free for a month and now this. That’s exactly how I feel and rather than just writing both of them off as idiots, I just want to feel like my uncertainty is justified. More importantly, I dont want to jump to conclusions – but if it is what Date said it was, and “nothing happened”, then why does it all sound so shady? Why did it happen in the first place? I’ve asked a few of my friends about the situation (some that are in relationships themselves) and they’re all in agreement with me that what happened was just downright weird.

Axemusica's avatar

@Disc2021 It is weird & until you get the bottom of it, it will always be weird. This is where you decide if it’s worth really knowing.

Awwww, good ‘ol justice. Sometimes, she really is blind.

ette_'s avatar

@Disc2021, because we can only glean the details you provide and can never fully understand exactly what happened that night (and also since you weren’t there it has become a matter of “friend said-date said”), it’s really hard to form a complete opinion about it.

I completely understand where you’re coming from because if it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t be a human being. And I think it’s good that you came on here to ask about it because even if you are (or are not) jumping to conclusions, at least you’re airing it out before confronting Date and damaging a relationship without need.

Is it possible that after they dropped the person off at Friend’s place that they wanted to continue to party? Not that it makes it any better, but I suppose like you, I am trying to grasp why Friend would go back to Date’s place and then somehow wind up in the same bed as him when there are clearly other places to sleep and that includes the floor or a couch.

I think the best thing to do in this case is to be up front and direct about it with “Friend” and figure that side out first. If “Friend” is a shady character with ulterior motives, cut him out of your social circle.

Regardless, you can have a candid conversation with “Date” about the entire situation. Just try not to let the tables turn where your analysis or concern about an odd situation makes you look like an insecure jealous person (been there, done that, things can definitely backfire when not communicated in a mature and civil manner). Explain why you think it’s odd that Friend went back to Date’s place. Even if there are no official “titles” or whatnot in your relationship at this stage, ANY person certainly deserves the respect to get a straight answer. Then, if it turns out that you and Date are not on the same page relationship-wise, that’s an issue in and of itself and you may be better off knowing now than later, as heartbreaking as it might be. But to me, even if you are not yet exclusive but have been obviously seeing each other and no one else, you still deserve enough respect to have your concerns heard. If Date values you and your opinions, this type of incident probably won’t happen again.

HTH…

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
blueiiznh's avatar

No matter what happened or didn’t happen, jealous or not, opposite or same sex, intoxicated or not, friend or foe, alive or dead, it is simply wrong.

mammal's avatar

@wundayatta you’re jumping in with both feet and splashing around, i do that too sometimes, it’s probably a bit unfair in this case.

Disc2021's avatar

@hurtntired I really appreciate your understanding of the gravity of the situation. It’s been tough to decide what’s the best course of action for what happened, as all in all, I really don’t even know exactly what happened. If I drop a friend, I’d want it to be for a good, justifiable reason – and same with a good potential mate. Your feedback has been helpful!

@blueiiznh Thank you. Really. Now I could cancel my check-up at the doctor’s, lol.

@Axemusica Right, though that’s probably what I might end up doing ultimately, I feel like if I do something like that I’m just saying “Oh, this sort of thing isn’t alright but I’ll just forget it even happened”. Finding out how exactly to bend without necessarily breaking principle has proved most difficult.

wundayatta's avatar

@Disc2021 So I reread the details, and it does say that the friend was drunk and that the friend slept in the bed. I think “passed out” is not an inappropriate term to use.

As to my tone—yes, I was pretty peeved. I can’t say any more than that without insulting you.

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