Social Question

sillymichelleyoung's avatar

What does he want from me?

Asked by sillymichelleyoung (217 points ) February 21st, 2011 from iPhone

Long story short…I was dating a guy (since last May) and he broke up with me because he was stressed out with school (at least that is what he told me). We didnt talk for about five days then he calls me saying how he misses and loves me and lefr four voicemail messages during Vday. We started to talk a little bit more, but I wanted to keep my distance because I still have feelings for him. That Thursday we talked things out and agreed to try again, but an hour later he texted me saying he was too scared. The next day he told me to move on then decided that he wanted work things out and then told me to move on (again) and that he didnt want to talk to me.

Then he called me yesterday and wanted to see how I was..

So what does he want?

I miss him terribly..but this is a bit confusing.

I have a blog that he also checks constantly everyday.

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13 Answers

saintDrew's avatar

Sounds to me that you should be scared for your like =O..or he just recently developed commitment issues.

Kardamom's avatar

This does not sound very fun at all. He probably has deep, but conflicted feelings for you. I’m glad that you are keeping your distance until he gets it all sorted out.

Is there a possibility that he is involved with someone else too? Is there the possibility that he might be gay (it’s happened to me, and there were no outward appearances or flamboyant tendencies)?

I think your best bet is to sit him down, somewhere where you guys won’t be distracted, but someplace public enough in case he gets super-emotional and you need to flee. Then ask him a series of questions. If he can’t answer the questions to your satisfaction, then you need to tell him that you are breaking up and that you need a period of non-communication for 6 months or so until he figures it out. If you keep talking to him by text or phone or e-mail, he’s likely to keep up this on again off again thing. And it will be a long drawn out painful situation for you. The threat of you stopping all contact with him will either make him sort himself out, or he will realize that he doesn’t want a real relationship with you.

Here are some sample questions:

Are you so busy in your life that you can’t or don’t want to have a relationship with me at this time? If your school situation ends (graduation) or improves (because you’ve gotten a handle on it) do you see us together as a couple down the line?

Are you involved with anyone else, whether it’s by phone, text, e-mail or simply having feelings for someone else? If so, then we need to end this right now, because I need to be in a relationship with just one person who is completely certain about me.

Are you gay? Then explain that it happened to a friend of yours and she had no idea.

What exactly do you want from this relationship with me? I’m letting you know now, that if you’re not sure, then we need to break up right now so that you can find out what you really want, but you can’t come back and forth to me while you’re figuring it out.

Are you afraid of committment? If so, why? If you do have a fear of committment, then we need to break up now so that I can find someone who cares about me and actually wants to be in a committed relationship with me.

He will either have answers to these questions that will put your mind at ease, or at least give you the knowledge you need to know whether he is worth continuing with. OR he will hem and haw and try to make you look like you are “needy” or “controlling” or “the one with the problem.” In that case, you will know immediately that you need to break up with him right there on the spot and tell him that you want no further contact with him.

wundayatta's avatar

Stressed? Somehow that doesn’t sound right.

You say you talked things out. What did he say? Why is he scared? You have to talk to him and find out what’s really going on. Ask him questions that do not presuppose an answer. You can tell him that he can tell you anything he wants to. You won’t judge him for it.

filmfann's avatar

He doesn’t know what he wants. Move on.

Sunny2's avatar

I don’t think he knows what he wants from you. He may be playing games. Take care of yourself first. I’d recommend telling him he is making you very confused and set a ‘no contact’ time. Set a time 6 weeks to 2 months during which neither of you contact the other. Maybe he’ll make some decisions. If not, withdraw. No man is worth that hassle.

Disc2021's avatar

I’ve been through this before and here was my solution:

1. Ask him one more time if it’s over or not. No “yes-no-maybe-so” or no “day or two to think about it”. Ask for an answer right there and then and demand a yes or no (with my policy, “I dont know” means “yes, it’s over”).

2. If you get “no, let’s work it out” for an answer, great! If you get “yes, it’s over” for an answer or his actions don’t reflect his answer, let that be all of the closure you need. Say you goodbyes and “nice knowing ya’s” – then cut him off. Don’t reply to text messages, calls, emails, etc. Move on.

3. It’s been 2–3 months and you get a drunk-dial from him. As hard as it is, as inviting as it sounds, as tempting as it may be, no matter what he has to say do not answer. You’ve worked this hard to get past and over someone, don’t throw it all away.

@Sunny2‘s last line, “No man is worth that hassle” – I’d go as far to say no one is worth that hassle. A commitment is a 50/50 team effort. If you can’t rely on someone to hold their end of the bargain, find someone else who can. You will, if that’s what you really want. Otherwise, you’re going to get the run-around – where he’ll be able to have you whenever he wants and dispose of you whenever he pleases. Demand his respect and tell him to figure it out, fast. Otherwise, I kindly suggest you move on with your life.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t tolerate that for long. If he can’t be a grown up, drop him.

chyna's avatar

He has issues. I wouldn’t want someone like that playing games with my head or my heart. I wouldn’t have anything else to do with him.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would tell him to fuck off.

Kardamom's avatar

@Disc2021 Wow! You put it much better than I did! She should take you along to go talk to this guy and YOU should tell him how it’s gonna be! I love it!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Whatever it is he wants, it doesn’t sound like he can deliver what you want. Tell him even though you have feelings for him that you want someone for yourself who is consistent and puts your feelings paramount to their own- not yank your chain every few days. Aside from that, I 2nd the person who wrote he may be homosexual. “I’m in love with you but I’m gay…” Been there, been through that. Ugh.

Sunny2's avatar

@Disc2021 You’re right. I should have said no one. I grew up at very sexist time in our social history and sometimes forget that times have changed. I apologize.

Disc2021's avatar

@Kardamom Glad my advice was well received from someone! Thank you – and just to reiterate, this little system of mine is what works best for me and my mentality. I’ve learned how to detect little power-games and nuances people play in relationships and this is how I’ve chosen to go about handling them.

@Sunny2 No need for apologies and that’s understood.

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