How can I get through this pain?

The best advice I ever received when breaking up with someone when I felt like it was killing me- Freeing yourself from him is freeing yourself to meet the real love of your life.

The guy that’s cheating on you, if that’s really what’s happening, isn’t it.

I am so sorry to hear you are in pain and are going through this.
Just know you deserve better and should never settle to be treated badly.

Know that you will heal and get through it as hard as the pain may be now. Disconnect and find something to take your mind off it.

Know that you will get through this and that you will be ok.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I can only suggest that you make yourself get up and get out of the house. Make yourself go for a walk or a run or whatever you feel you are up to doing. I know this sounds so cliche, but if you could volunteer your time, even just one day a week at an animal shelter to help walk the dogs, a nursing home, a hospital, anything to get your mind on something besides your pain. I’ve been there, and it does get better. Much better.

Ditto what others said particularly @chyna. Force yourself to get up and out of the house and volunteer volunteer volunteer until one of the people you meet volunteering gets to know you and helps you find a job :)

Also, make a mix tape of songs that inspire you and listen to it over and over. Go to the library and get a book about getting over relationship loss. See if there’s a co-dependent support group you can attend that’s free or affordable. Go to a pet store and pet a puppy. Eat chocolate. Watch a mindless movie or 10. Cut your pain-inducing boyfriend out of your life for several months until you heal and get stronger.

Try not being romantic and hurt by everything. Try to toughen up a bit. Try pretending that he isn’t the center of your universe. Try pretending that there’s no such thing as love, that it’s just a figment of our imagination. Try imagining that love isn’t supposed to be this painful and that you’re choosing and allowing it to be this way. Try imagining that love is supposed to fill you up and make you stronger. And as @Likeradar said try imagining that the person you’re supposed to be with is out there waiting for you to free yourself and find them but they won’t unless you climb down off your hurt wagon.

Read this and maybe think to yourself that you don’t have it quite as bad as you think you do.
http://www.fluther.com/114923/what-do-you-do-as-a-parent-when-all-hope-is/

I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. I know how difficult being unemployed is, not to mention the other difficult emotional lows you’re going through. You are right to put yourself first, despite the pain you’re feeling. It may not feel like it now, but you will emerge from this, stronger than before. You can get through it. I agree with @chyna about forcing yourself to get out there. Any form of exercise will help, even though it’s the last thing you may feel like doing. Remember This too shall pass

There was a book that was popular when I was young. It was by Dr Wayne Dyer and put forth the notion that you choose how you feel about situations. I think it’s a little bit true. Dr Dyer also said you should be selfish sometimes for your own sake. Your bf is a dickhead if he’s a cheater and you sure don’t want to love a lying, gutless cheater. You deserve better, and in not too long, you will be shaking your head at how you thought you needed him so.

@Rarebear – I am not sure that it is fair to ask ette to compare her pain to that of another.

It’s going to be hard, @ette_, but it will get better. I promise! Just hang in there until it does. {hugs}

I know that pain so well. It is hell to go thru, but if you are sure you want to break up, do it right away. That way the healing can begin.
I had a habit of dragging it out, and all it did was make things worse, and I lost a lot of self respect.

Well, I just had a long convo with him and I don’t think he has cheated, but we are going to take some indefinite time apart after this week. One of the problems is that I have much stronger feelings for him than he does for me, and it literally drives me cuckoo. I know it sounds ridiculous, but he has been one of my “three great loves” (A Bronx Tale) and it makes it that much more painful. He’s actually not a dick but he is definitely confused and IMO completely scarred from his previous relationship and it prevents him from loving anyone else. I could be fooling myself. But in the meantime, I can’t be the one to show him that what we have is great…he has to see that for himself. :(

Thank you all for your support. It is so hard for me to want to do anything when I am losing someone with whom I have such a good time with. He makes me laugh like no one else, shares the same interests as me, and I don’t need to add that we have amazing physical and sexual chemistry. I would love to make a mix tape, but music really pulls at my heartstrings because it has always been such a huge part of my life, and in these times, I have to have it be silent because any song I listen to makes me cry. Usually songs and music bring me joy, regardless of the genre, and silence is the only thing in these times that doesn’t hurt.

I am so grateful for Fluther because I really don’t know where else to turn sometimes. I’ve basically exhausted the sympathy I get from my family and friends. :(

double post…

@Rarebear I am very much aware that there are worse things out there than a break-up. But that doesn’t really diminish the pain I feel in this moment. Of course I know there are other pains in the world, but I don’t really think that prohibits me from feeling the pain I’m feeling.

True Love Comes From God

I am sorry that you have had to go through this painful experience. When your heart is breaking you feel so alone. We want someone who will never leave us or forsake us, and that is just the point. We do have someone “who sticks closer than a brother” (or sister). It is God (our Heavenly Father) and His Son Jesus Christ.

It has been interesting to read the comments made in response to your pain. While sincere, I believe they do not fully comprehend the situation. It all has to do with the connection between you and your boyfriend. I keep hearing that you should ignore it, or focus your mind on something else. But is that really a solution – or just a coping mechanism? Yes, maybe it will help to “get through” the pain, but isn’t it “avoiding” the pain? Shouldn’t we instead try to acknowledge the pain and try to understand how “our thinking” leads us into these kinds of situations in life.
First of all we need to acknowledge that as humans we live in connection with one another, for good or for ill. Second, we must acknowledge that we all fail one another at some time or another and that no person is always “there for us”. Third, why is it about “our makeup” that causes us need one another and to be needed in the first place?

For me as a Christian it goes back to Adam and Eve. We were made for each other, to help one another and support one another. But something happened that damaged our capacity to give and receive love. We lost our love for God, and with that we lost our capacity for love. Sure, it’s what everyone wants, but its also what no one fully achieves. God, however, wants to repair this capacity to love and be loved. He did this by dealing with the problem (sin – or self love) by demonstrating His love for us in this: Christ (Jesus) died for us even while we were still sinners, undeserving of His love. God’s love now makes our love possible. When we trust in God’s love for us, Romans 5:5 says, God’s love is “poured out” into our hearts. Only when we are humble (emptied of self love) and clean (forgiven of all our selfishness), can we then be filled with God’s love. He keeps filling and filling until we are full (fulfilled) and overflowing with His love for others as well.

Our true happiness does not depend on the love we have or the love we receive from others, because it is, and always will be, imperfect. But God’s love is perfect and complete. His love can fulfill us (bring us peace and joy), because it does not depend on circumstances. Sure, we can choose to ignore the problem of pain and suffering (as the Buddhist religion does), or we can focus on other things (as many Christians do), but the fact remains that we were created to love and be loved, but we don’t have the power to do this. And as long as that capacity eludes us, we will fail one another, but if we have God’s love for us “in us”, then we will have God’s love “filling us” and “overflowing”, or “flowing through us”. When we have this kind of love, then we will be have true peace. (See John 7:38 – “streams of living water” will flow from within)

Hope this helps

God Loves You

You need to be focused on something else, other than the breakup.

My suggestion is to go to an animal shelter and adopt a puppy or young dog that needs a home.

Your puppy will divert your attention toward him, rather than your lost love and your blues.

Who can resist a waggling tail and tons of love to give you?

Just know that you will love again….
Corinthians:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Ane now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

@ette_ It’s all about keeping things in perspective.

I am severely depressed right now and I can’t stop crying except for when I sleep. I can hardly even bring myself to get on the computer to type this right now. I honestly don’t think I can get through this. Perspective or not, my pain is real.

@ette_ You need to talk to someone on the phone or in person. Is there someone you can talk to – a friend or a family member? You might also want to seek professional help, but how about starting by contacting someone who knows about you and cares? I know that you say that you can’t turn to friends or family, but maybe you can think of just one person? I also know that you are without health insurance. If you have to, go to an emergency room or call a crisis hotline. Whether you are religious or not, you might consider calling a house of worship and asking to speak with someone there, if you are in a pinch. Even when you are at your lowest, know that you will have better times in the future. Take care.

{hugs}

“Mental health is when logic preceeds emotions”
is probably good sign of trust issues, have faith in yourself
find somethings that working in the relationship and focus on that another words
look at the bright side. let go little bit because attachment leads to jealousy.
then reduce your love speed.

My sister just suggested that I write down a list of things that make me happy. Does anyone have any suggestions? Because I honestly don’t know where to start. The only thing I can think of is my son. Everything else I tend to enjoy costs money, and I need to figure out what truly makes me happy. As she said, “Peter Pan Style”.

@ette_ You should start a new thread, asking what simple (preferably free) things make people happy. I bet you’d get a ton of suggestions!

Are you sure he’s cheating? If so, despite how much you love him, just remember, he does not value you if he cheated on you. Please trust me! I’ve been cheated on twice and both times I just walked away and since then, I’ve ultimately found someone I can see myself with for the rest of my life. Don’t short-change yourself… you’re worthy and you deserve true love. True love does not entail cheating!!!

He didn’t cheat…but he doesn’t know what he wants and I have to let him go.

Thanks for the update, @ette_. Things will get better.