General Question

aviona's avatar

Does my ex-love of a month already have another?

Asked by aviona (3240 points ) March 19th, 2009

Okay this is creepy and kind of stalky of me.

As a lot of you probably already know through Fluther, my boyfriend broke up with me a little less than a month ago. I am still reeling from it all and completely heartbroken (to say the least).

He works as a freelance print and web designer. While we were still dating, he got a gig from a fellow female classmate to work on an online sex magazine called Climax. It’s a magazine that openly talks about sex, etc. He’s on the graphic design end of things. He went to a few meetings but things never really took off.

Anyway, since we broke up I deactivated my Facebook to prevent such stalking and thus heart wrenching nostalgia from photos, messages, etc. Recently (because I have no self control) I reactivated for a mere moment and peeked at his wall (I know, I’m pathetic).

Since the breakup I’d already had a sneaking suspicion that they were hooking up or dating or seeing each other or something. But after asking him and him denying it I dropped it. But just now, after looking at his wall, I see that she wrote “Call me, if you can.” At first, you might think this is regarding their professional relationship. But it was written at 12 AM! No one talks business at that hour—even if it is a sex magazine.

I am being so horrible right now! The jealous ex-girlfriend! She’s this fiery redheaded human sexuality major! And I’m just…me. The thing that pisses me off the most if anything is happening is that his excuse for breaking it off was that he “doesn’t want a relationship right now.” So obviously that is code for “I’m sick of you.” Just fucking have the balls to say that! I’m still completely love sick from all of this, so I just can’t imagine how he could have moved onto someone else already.

I’m being so utterly pathetic right now and probably reading wayyy to into this. And don’t worry I deactivated my account once again. I just have this awful sinking feeling in my stomach and needed to vent somewhere and knew that you all would listen.

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25 Answers

nikipedia's avatar

MAKE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD!

It’s the only way.

SpatzieLover's avatar

You need to find a hobby for a month or six, that takes your mind and time completely away from thinking about said X

aviona's avatar

@SpatzieLover I do have a plan. Seriously. I do.

@nikipedia I guess I’d go for the password thing, but then people write to you and then you don’t write back? Also, I’ve done this before and then reactivated it, so I think I may just need to do it for good now otherwise as girlsofscience said in that link you gave me it just shows weakness.

Did you go through with the password compromise, and if so did it work?

SpatzieLover's avatar

sigh

Can’t you just move to Twitter and leave Facebook?

aviona's avatar

HE HAS TWITTER TOO! He’s the one who told me about Twitter!

aviona's avatar

All of this will be completely moot soon because I’m going to the fucking wilderness!

Elumas was writing something, I wanted to hear what he had to say…

SeventhSense's avatar

Stay and fluther resist the urge to stalk and twitter.:)

SpatzieLover's avatar

The wilderness sounds like a great idea.

elijah's avatar

It doesn’t matter, you are grasping at straws. Let it go. I know how bad it hurts, I’ve been there. It doesn’t matter anymore who said what, when it was said, who was lying, whatever. Just stay away from it all. It only makes it hurt worse.
The important thing to remember is he is only one person. There are so many other guys out there! Call your girlfriends, go out dancing, meet lots of guys! Once you see that other guys find you attractive you will feel better.
It still hurts me when I hear about or see exes I loved. It will hurt you for quite a while, but you can’t let it own you.

loser's avatar

You need to quit torturing yourself. Get this guy out of your head somehow. This kind of thinking can seriously make you insane. Get out, do things, be with friends and family, learn an instrument, volunteer to visit old people, build something out of Legos, just something different. Therapy might be helpful through this tough time also. Good luck!

casheroo's avatar

Definitely need to get over it. I know it’s only been a month, and I know it must hurt. But you aren’t with him any more, he’s free to do as he pleases. Jealousy is a horrible feeling, you can’t let it consume you.
You need to find a rebound guy, they’re always fun. I ended up marrying my rebound guy :)

augustlan's avatar

{hugs} to you. It will get better in time… I promise.

aviona's avatar

While you were all writing your amazingly supportive responses I just had conversations with two perviously alienated friends.

I found out that the X is apparently being a complete recluse and not returning anyone’s phone calls (so it’s not just me!) and moping around when they do see him. It felt good to reach out to them and tell them how I feel. They were supportive as well.

I am on a regime of medication and starting therapy next week.

I guess I sort of just flipped out over all of that and needed to vent. Thank goodness for Fluther (and you guys).

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Don’t feel like you’re a psycho. I look at my ex’s facebook and wonder about the girls posting on his wall, and we broke up in May. (This anecdote wasn’t meant to discourage you or make you think that you’ll never think about anything else – YOU WILL!) I just point it out to prove that curiosity is normal, especially when the wound is still fresh, and you don’t have to beat yourself up for looking. Just so long as you don’t dwell for too long or try to go about any internet trickery, you’re fine. It’s obvious that this relationship meant a lot to you, and you are fine in giving yourself time to deal with the emotions. Maybe he is hooking up with her, meaning she’s a rebound and probably won’t be around long because he’s just trying to replace you. The best advice I can give, of course, is to focus on other things. You remember the allotted time to grieve process I described? If you feel the urge to facebook stalk, do it during that time, but remember that, at some point, that time is going to whittle down to nothing, and the facebook stalking should do the same.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@aviona – I’m glad you could vent, but do remember this: Just because someone doesn’t want to date you anymore doesn’t mean you are unlovable – and it doesn’t make whatever new woman the man’s with Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie and you less than a lovely person. OK? OK. He’s not the final judge, right? There is no judge, anyway.

I say this because I saw And I’m just…me. and that struck me. I feel bad when people damn themselves like that, however slightly. So don’t do that! ::hugs::

casheroo's avatar

Just wanted to add some ((hugs)) because I do know breaking up is hard.
Lucky for me, Facebook and Myspace weren’t super popular, so I had no way of knowing what my exes were up to. Nothing wrong with Facebook stalking, every one I know does it lol.
Also, regarding the medications..I urge you to just see a therapist beofre taking medications because they think you’re depressed. Of course you’re depressed, you just had a major break up. Talk through it, you may not actually need the medications…they are for chemical imbalances, not for “something bad happened, i need antidepressants”

aviona's avatar

@casheroo thank you for the hugs and advice. I am bipolar besides this depression due to the breakup. But thank you for the warning. And don’t worry I was raised by a father who is veryyy wary of drugs and the drug industry.

aviona's avatar

I love how I’m prancing around Fluther giving relationship and breakup advice to others and still completely flipped out myself. Geesh.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Honey, if she’s that hot of a number, and she’s posting “call me if you can” to his FB wall, she’s either called him and he’s not taking her calls, or she doesn’t have it together enough to pick up the phone and call him. Sounds like she’s chasing him.

Sellz's avatar

She might be on the rebound tip. Or she may be confused, not really sure of what or who she wants in her life.

-Sellz

rancid's avatar

I don’t have any great advice for you. I been burned too often to trust myself. But I been hurt like that, and you have my sympathy. I want to say that sometimes people just aren’t understandable. You can’t get inside they heads. So you don’t know what they think. You can imagine all you want, and you can drive yourself crazy like that. Then you can do stupid things. That kind of thing sent me on a ship to a vey strang place. I experienced some things I’d rather forget because of it. Don’t let it make you crazy, ok?

aviona's avatar

@Sellz & @AlfredaPrufrock if you’re talking about the redhead, thanks :)

marinelife's avatar

I am sorry that you are hurting.

You need to accept the fact that he is out of your life. Thus, what he is doing now and if or who he is seeing is something you need to not think about.

I realize it is hard, but try. As long as you are obsessing about him and his life, you cannot move on with yours.

Take up learning something hard that really needs focus.

ronski's avatar

Breaking up sucks! This is all part of it. Sadly today, we have these social networks that allow us to be stalkers! You should be proud you went as long as you did without looking at his profile.
First of all, even though you might feel pathetic, you’re not. This is all normal, and from what you’re saying, It really looks like you guys maybe shouldn’t be together. I know that is a hard thing to admit, but just think about what you are feeling right now: uncontrollable jealousy. I wonder if the relationship made you feel this way anyway? You obviously don’t trust this guy. You probably didn’t when you were together.
So, you are doing fine! Time will heal you. You will get back into your groove again. You are recovering from a traumatic experience. Don’t worry!

bean's avatar

i wish i could give you awesome advice! but i’ve only had one relationship so far haha,
tho, all i see in this time of age every ones having trouble with relationships, breaking up or being unfaithful…most people my age or people I knew back in high school were terrible and only looking for a good time.
I don’t want to give up on relationships because I’m sure there is some person out there for me, and this person you were with sounds like a complete jerk, especially if he decides to jump into another relationship I would personally like to kick him very very hard.
And with facebook i did the same thing, i know how it feels and how your heart jumps and hurts and gets you worked up.
All you need to do is be strong and think positive because there is always some one perfect for you other there. and don’t worry, your not stalking him, I also did the same thing with my ex for a week I was working my self up and trying to see what he was up to…i think it’s like a natural curiosity and it’s not like love can easily go away or the connection you both had can just stop over night. But if he wants to be like that, then play it his way, act like you don’t care about him, he’s gone from your life and not worth the trouble.
meet some one new! but i know it’s hard to forget.

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