General Question

iseewavesinme's avatar

A break in the relationship - how do you cope?

Asked by iseewavesinme (142 points ) March 2nd, 2010

My girlfriend and I are 24 and 22, respectively. We have been dating for about a month and we had sex. I felt really terrible about it afterwards because I feel like I manipulated her into doing it and I hurt her in the process. We were both emotionally shaken after the experience, and she called me over to her house the next day.

She said that we should take a break from each other, but didn’t say how long. I am in great emotional distress right now, because I truly feel like i do love her. She told me that she feels like I don’t, but am just using her to get sex.

I truly love her, and I wish we didn’t have sex.

I need to find patience to get me through this break. I have never experienced such a thing, I’ve only had straight up break ups.

How do you cope with your breaks, and can you offer me any advice?

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57 Answers

lilikoi's avatar

Best I’ve got is:
Treat it as a friendly break up, and hope it works out.

dpworkin's avatar

Talk, talk, and more talk. Tell her what you told us.

ninjacolin's avatar

your problem is that you’re wrong: you do want sex. that’s a natural part of your love for her. she’s deceived you into thinking you don’t want sex when you really do. she’s deceived you into believing that sex is somehow a bad thing and not to be desired. she’s deceived you into thinking that sex and love have nothing to do with eachother.

iseewavesinme's avatar

@ninjacolin i want love and sex, but maybe not sex now, but later.

@dpworkin she wont talk to me right now

ninjacolin's avatar

the evidence indicates otherwise. if you didn’t want sex, then why did you have it?

iseewavesinme's avatar

because i wanted it then, in hindsight, i wish we didn’t so we wouldn’t be on this break right now

ninjacolin's avatar

she wanted it then too.
why do you guys think that sex and love can’t coexist?

because of a bad performance?

phil196662's avatar

talk… the basis for any relationship.

escapedone7's avatar

@ninjacolin sex is not bad as long as both parties want it. When one party wants it and the other party isn’t ready for it yet, uhm… forcing the issue shows disregard for the others feelings and can be a painful experience.

ninjacolin's avatar

is there a rule in place that if you have sex by time T after getting involved, love can’t exist in that relationship?

(just asking by the way, i know how things can stalemate sometimes.)

iseewavesinme's avatar

@ninjacolin there is no logic in this. it’s how we both feel.

stardust's avatar

Maybe tell her that you’re going to respect her wish for space, but you’ll be there when she’s ready to talk. I think that should show her that you do care.
Was it her first time to have sex? Maybe it’s something that’s very difficult for her.

ninjacolin's avatar

so.. you don’t feel like seeing her right now? you would rather be on a break?
was the sex that bad?

njnyjobs's avatar

You had a post here…. http://www.fluther.com/disc/75740/how-do-you-know-if-a-guy-is-in-love-or/ .... could she be the other half of this equation?

iseewavesinme's avatar

@ninjacolin stop being such an ass. i do feel like being with her right now, and i don’t want to be on a break.

@njnyjobs maybe

ninjacolin's avatar

i think you should do something nice for her. unobtrusive, giving her her space.. but whatever you do has to remove her desire for space… which is what “something nice” would be.

CMaz's avatar

Break = Over

BoBo1946's avatar

one step at a time! time is the only healer!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Time to write a letter and make it gooood

Judi's avatar

Was this her first time? It makes a difference in the answer. If she was relatively inexperienced and you were rough or more intense than she expected, or more adventurous than she was comfortable with then you may have really scared the poor girl and she may never see you the same again.
When you say “hurt her,” did you mean she experienced physical pain?

iseewavesinme's avatar

@Judi yes, it was her first time, and it was rough, according to our standards.

escapedone7's avatar

I think we’ve gotten off issue here. I actually am a little worried about the scenario leading to the break up but the past can’t be undone. Your question seems to be more focused on how to move on.

You asked how I cope with break-ups. i give things time. During the hard break ups I know I go through a grieving process. I don’t rush into anything new too quickly,. I give myself a little time to mourn, reflect on what I might learn from the experience, cry, talk to my best friend, all that kind of stuff. Time is a healer of all wounds. I usually make a note to really think about what I can learn from the experience, so I don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. I let myself grieve the loss in my life and my heart just knows when it is time to let go and look forward instead of back. That time depends on how deeply in love I was, how long it lasted, and a multitude of other factors. These are the times it is good to have a support network of family and friends to lean on.

iseewavesinme's avatar

this isn’t a break-up.

escapedone7's avatar

Oh sorry I misunderstood.

Nially_Bob's avatar

Perhaps you could communicate these thoughts and feelings to her in such a manner that she wouldn’t feel obligated to communicate with you extensively thus permitting her space while knowing where you stand on the matter and that you care about her and the situation. A letter or an e-mail perhaps? Just some suggestions :)

Out of curiosity, why did you choose not to mention that this was her first time in your initial text? Is this unimportant or does it play a large role in the circumstances?

Judi's avatar

@iseewavesinme ; My first time was not at all like I expected. very awkward and I didn’t want to see the guy again. It was 35 years ago, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t feel the same way I did. Sorry.:-( I hope she’s nicer to you than I was to the poor guy. She probably will be since he’s older and more mature than I was.

chyna's avatar

The rough sex for the first time is definitely not in your favor. I honestly want to just give you a big lecture here, telling you to always be gentle with your mate until you both decide otherwise. The word “break” is sometimes code for breakup. Give her space. if she ever talks to you again, start by apologizing for being a jerk during her first sexual experience and promise to be a more understanding partner. And then be a more understanding partner, with her or any one else you may be with.

Cruiser's avatar

Sounds to me like you “pressured” this girl to have sex and now that she is none too happy about it, you are remorseful. Man up and now respect her need to distance herself from an uncomfortable experience.

SeventhSense's avatar

“Did someone say rough sex?”

Nially_Bob's avatar

@SeventhSense
Seventh Seeeeeeeeense ‘canned laughter’

SeventhSense's avatar

“And the fun doesn’t end there…more hilarity ensues with karate baby
and can we get enough of charlie

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

One month? You never had a relationship.
Drink a beer and ride it out

Also where do her feelings come into this?
You should be more concerned for how she feels right now since you pushed her into this.
Did she say no at any point?

iseewavesinme's avatar

@Captain_Fantasy how long does it take to make a relationship?

i’m not sure how she is feeling right now, but i am going to see if i can confront her as soon as possible, in person, but i want to give her space, and she wants space too.

She did say no at first, but I kept pushing her for it. That is why i feel so terrible about everything.

njnyjobs's avatar

@iseewavesinme with the facts that you had laid out here, I really would hesitate to offer any advice to make the situation easy for you. Frankly, I think you were a jerk to have pushed the issue, verbally then physically. You’re lucky no alcohol or drugs were involved, otherwise it may be construed as a date rape, and you could be in serious trouble. But then, for her sake, if you really care for this gal, you should make a career in courting her back and making her comfortable in your presence. Make her feel extraordinarily important.

iseewavesinme's avatar

@njnyjobs that’s the plan.

SeventhSense's avatar

@njnyjobs
Oh please. He didn’t do anything wrong. If anything he’s being too hard on himself. He was horny and so was she and now he’s feeling some dissonance cause she’s flaking out. I’d bet my bottom dollar that he’s not really feeling any of this but she’s just convinced him that he’s a big bad man. He needs to just relax and move on. Don’t sweat it.
And if you want to have any serious relationship with this girl DO NOT play this game because the only outcome will be that she will lose respect for you.

njnyjobs's avatar

@SeventhSense I’m not speculating anything… I call it as it’s dealt by no other than @iseewavesinme, which he himself has been following the past 4 hours.

and as I said, if @iseewavesinme cares, he can do blah, blah, blah . ... otherwise, chuck it to the wind and take a hike…

SeventhSense's avatar

@njnyjobs
No he’s 24 and he’s known the girl a month. He’s being to hard on himself and you’re just happy to indulge his guilt. If you’re woman I can kind of excuse this but if you’re man well buck up…what kind of man EVER wishes he didn’t have sex?

escapedone7's avatar

ooooh I better go somewhere else. I think the boy is doing the right thing to think about how this made her feel. Women appreciate empathy. It doesn’t cost anyone a loss of respect to be caring.

SeventhSense's avatar

@escapedone7
So are you convinced that he manipulated her into having sex? Is it not possible that there was no manipulation but she had a typical reaction and couldn’t accept her own quite normal feelings of incongruence of being a “nice girl” and simply projected it onto him?

escapedone7's avatar

@seventhsense I am convinced that for a girl at least, the first time can be painful… and having a caring partner that is patient and cares about what you are feeling is essential to making it a good experience for non-masochistic types. I am convinced he cares about her and believes she is upset by the experience because he failed to do that. I assumed that because he said she said no and he pressured her, eas “rough” with her and “hurt” her according to him. Are you insinuating I should assume he is lying about the whole affair, they had a lovely romp and she’s just “flaking” out of guilt? Who is projecting here? I don’t see why someone would toss a lovely relationship after a lovely romp of sex that was great. Something must have gone wrong. Stopping to evaluate what, without blaming her automatically, makes sense.

escapedone7's avatar

He is the one that said he manipulated her, not me. Those were his words.

SeventhSense's avatar

That’s true. But you’re assuming it was her first time. If she’s American that would be highly doubtful. Most girls lose their virginity by 15. I just always take these things with a grain of salt being there’s a whole other side not represented.

njnyjobs's avatar

@SeventhSense sorry to say this but you’re incoherent, mindless mumbling makes you look/sound dumb or can’t read the exact words that OP already stated… or maybe you’re a seasoned lawyer worthy to be in OJ’s defense team.

And please quit turning the tables on other posters coz your seventh sense is really becoming more of a nonsense.

SeventhSense's avatar

@njnyjobs
Turning the tables? I didn’t realize that this was anything more than a discussion. I for one am not apt to take things as easily as you apparently and don’t fail to recognize that people are often quite unaware of the psychological motivation behind such “apparent” things and I read between the lines as to what’s unspoken. In fact most everything is when it comes to emotional topics. Like yourself people are often quite unaware of their real motivations.

Judi's avatar

@SeventhSense; he said it WAS her first time.

CMaz's avatar

“She said that we should take a break from each other”

Dude, it is over. That is a soft (and insecure) way of ending it.
Man up and move on.

SeventhSense's avatar

@Judi
My apologies I just noted your question. So maybe he should just move on. But I still think he would do best to not be too hard on himself. He’s a young buck. He’ll get better and she’ll get over it.

iseewavesinme's avatar

it’s not over.

thriftymaid's avatar

ChazMaz is right—a break is a time-consuming break up.

JeffVader's avatar

A break is simply a euphemism for break-up… used by people who don’t have the courage to do the deed. Accept that you screwed-up royally & move on.

iseewavesinme's avatar

we got back together.

a break isn’t an euphemism for a break-up.

think positive and work hard!

CMaz's avatar

OK, now you are pulling our chains.

Or she is playing games. This is not going to last. Ahhhh young love!

iseewavesinme's avatar

lol maybe you weren’t man enough to make it through your breaks? ;]

or maybe you two weren’t that into each other.

not all girls are evil

CMaz's avatar

“not all girls are evil”

Yes they are!

Londongirl's avatar

Girls like guys to be presistant to show his interest to her. If you care about her, then may be just talk to her and show how much you care about her, it might change her mind, if not, then move on. At least this will show you are not just after sex and you do care about her.

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