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Avatarian's avatar

Should I stay with my GF? Just be friends? Erase her from my life completely?

Asked by Avatarian (25 points ) June 2nd, 2009

My girlfriend has a very sweet side to her personality. She’s a keener / eager-beaver when it comes to things she finds interesting that she’s recently learned. I think this is cute, and I certainly don’t mind because she keeps me intellectually stimulated when we talk (which I really enjoy), and it helps that we’re interested in the same subjects. Moreover, not only are we interested in the same subjects, we often have the same opinion on these subjects as we tend to think the same way. She has a childish playfulness to her that I love. She’s a big dork, especially in her humor, but I find this endearing, and I enjoy it as well. To add to all this, I think my girlfriend is drop-dead gorgeous, and I’m really into her physically.

However, gorgeous or not, she’s not a sexual person and frankly I haven’t even got so much as a ‘tug’ in the past six months. This, naturally, causes my self-image and confidence to suffer even though I don’t think I’m a bad-looking guy. What really bothers me though is that my girlfriend is not an emotionally mature individual. She has no control over her emotions, and often has very immature reactions to conflict in particular: e.g. if I have a problem with something she’s done, she’ll just refuse to talk about ir altogether because she refuses to be made any angrier than she already is. She’s really proud and incapable of admitting fault for anything. Sometimes she’ll be brought to tears and she’ll genuinely feel for me, and she’ll admit fault for something, but then a few days later when she’s feeling less vulnerable, suddenly she’s perfect again and nothing was ever her fault. She hates ceding any control over her life to other people. If someone needs her to do something she feels “she shouldn’t have to do”, she’ll just ignore the request and do whatever it is anyways even if the request meant the world to the asker. For this reason, I think her highly inconsiderate, and I have problems trusting her (she, of course, gets angry at me because she feels after being in a relationship with me for 2 years, trust should be easy). I also think she’s inconsiderate in that because she’s incapable of being at fault, she can’t sympathize or be understanding when she’s hurt you in some way. For example, when she very abruptly stopped being physically intimate with me, she refused to see how it could cause any manner of insecurity in me and instead got angry at me.

I really like the playful, dorkish side of her personality. I adore it. I also love her for being intellectually competent, and the fact that she can be pretty caring (providing it isn’t her that hurt you). However, she does not deal well with complex emotions, and this has caused a lot of problems for us – especially because I have been predisposed to jealousy and insecurity.

I don’t know whether or not I should stay with her. On an emotional level, I feel I can’t rely on her whatsoever. Yet, the enjoyment I derive from being with her and talking with her often seems like a good enough reason to stay with her despite everything.

On a personality level, I feel complete and utter compatibility. If she were physically into me and more mature emotionally, this girl would be completely flawless. However, she’s not sexual and not mature emotionally. I really, really do think I could maintain a relationship with her if I somehow trained myself to stop caring about the things she does that I don’t like – because God knows she’s not going to change in that regard.

I need advice. What should I do? In the present circumstances, things are really rough. I could just suck it up, forget that she’s inconsiderate, and just do whatever I want to do – i.e. be like her – and continue to derive what I love from our relationship. Or, I can break it off completely and never talk to her again. Or, I could be her friend… If anyone has arguments for any of these courses of action, I would kill to hear them.

Please help, and thank you.

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28 Answers

basp's avatar

How old are you two?

JONESGH's avatar

I think you need to confront her on re issue, but if like you said she won’t take blame or change you may need to move on. Staying friends is always good that way you can still have these intellectually stimulating conversations, but find intimacy somewhere else.

AnnieOakley's avatar

With regard to sexuality and maturity age is huge factor. What are your ages?

cyn's avatar

Yeah! How old are you? This is really important to know…

Avatarian's avatar

We’re both 19.

cyn's avatar

She’s probably not ready to have sexual relation yet, but if you’re that age i’m guessing you should move on. She’s not that only fish in the sea. Is she your first girlfriend? you can comment me

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Why don’t you tell her exactly what you just told everyone here?

Avatarian's avatar

The problem is we were really active sexually at first, and then out of nowhere just nothing. As for telling her what I’ve written here, I don’t think she could cope with it, and I know it would just bring conflict without any sort of progress.

Regardless, I really appreciate the comments so far. It means a lot.

basp's avatar

At nineteen, she has a lot of growing up to do. Sounds like you are more mature than her.
If it were me…......I wouldn’t give on the relationship altogether since you enjoy her company so much.
But, if a physical relationship is more important to you right now (and at your age, I’m sure it is a priority), you may want to seek a more intimate relationship with someone who is looking for the same.
But, be open and honest with her about your desire to do something like that otherwise, to her, it will feel like you are doing something behind her back.
Having a good talk with her might be a good start.

marinelife's avatar

You need to decide what is most important to you right now: hanging out with your fun-loving, goofy girlfriend or having a more mature romantic relationship.

Any chance you two could just be friends?

Have you talked to her about these issues (without attacking her, but as an expression of what you need)?

AnnieOakley's avatar

Ok – at 19, with all the other stuff you have going for you that’s positive in the relationship – stick with it. Keep the lines of communication open, talk honestly about your thoughts and feelings, show compassion for hers (even if they seem immature). The sex will work itself out – particularly once she gets a grip on the whole good girl/bad girl crap women have to go through mentally while becoming compfortable in their own skin with their sexuality. The next 5–10 years will bring a lot of changes. Meanwhile enjoy what you have, and work to make it better :) Oh…and make sure she has fun with the physical part of the relationship too. The more enjoyable it is, the more she’ll want it!

cyn's avatar

I agree with the compassionate… you should tell her how you feel about her. From there you can know if you two fit more like friends or a couple….or probabaly nothing, but it’s all a part of life we all have to go through…i think good luck… :)))

basp's avatar

It just occurred to me…...if the sex abrubtly stopped, did something traumatic happen to her…??

Just wondering. Although, at nineteen, life is pretty traumatic anyway….......

Avatarian's avatar

Did something traumatic happen… ahhh, awkward question. We were really sexually active, doing everything except sex. Once we hit sex though… it hurt. Her body couldn’t accomodate properly.

For the record, it’s not that I place a huge emphasis on sexuality; it’s the effect it has on me emotionally in that it makes me feel insecure in the relationship. More specifically, it makes me feel as though she’s not attracted to me.

Again, thanks everyone for the comments so far.

AnnieOakley's avatar

So it isn’t fun for her yet. You can fix that.

basp's avatar

So, the fact that she had some difficutly with the sexual experience puts a different light on this. Her loss of interest in sex probably has nothing to do with her emotional feelings toward you, and everything to do with her physical feeling of pain during sex.
Talk to her…...
There are ways to lessen the (ahem….) difficulties of having sex. Part of her problem might just be nerves and worry of pregnancy. Or, she could have a physical condition. In any case….....talk to her. You know her well and have her best interest at heart….surely she will feel that if you are open and honest with her.

swtsally's avatar

maybe she’s just not ready. talk to her. tell her how you feel instead of expressing frustration on here on getting advice on here. fluther really should be a 2nd opinion. if the girl was not into you she would not be with you. so talk to her. dont break up with her just because you feel “insecure” because she doesnt want to pleasure you sexually. that’s just immature on your part. i know you have needs, but you have to take into consideration her side of the story too.

sjmc1989's avatar

I am not much older than you two and all I can say is I have grown tremendously in the past couple years I had several things happen to me that made me mature a lot faster than a lot of girls my age another subject all together Anyway at this age especially for girls it is very hard to get a grip on your emotions whenever you feel something or something happens it turns into a huge ordeal and we are still very selfish at this age you usually only see your point of view and thats it Not saying that this includes everyone but a good percentage So some of these issues could change as she grows and matures. If you really feel that this relationship is bettering yourself more than it is damaging Try to work not change the aspects of her personality that needs help. As for the sex part of the question. Are you her first sexual partner or has she had others?

loser's avatar

I may be way off base, but could your GF be bipolar?
I think you should talk to her about this stuff. At least give her a chance to be on the same page as you. It might help you answer this question better.

wundayatta's avatar

Perhaps she needs to learn how to enjoy sex. I’ve seen a lot of articles about teaching young women how to get to know their bodies, and how to pleasure themselves and learn what they like, and then they can teach it to their boyfriends.

People think sex is natural, but it isn’t. There’s a lot to learn. Did you spend time with foreplay? A lot of time? Did you try to relax her and make her comfortable? Does she even know what these things feel like?

If there were sex courses, I’d say you two should take one. As it is, you’ll have to read a lot, and then try again. It sounds to me like she’s afraid of it, and of disappointing you, and of not being happy.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

My advice is to stick with it if you feel you can wait. The important thing is to realise that she won’t always be like this. I realise you’ve said its hard to talk to her seriously, but you should let her know that there isn’t a whole lot of hope for you two if you cannot discuss problems. Once you’ve got her talking, break each point to her slowly over the course of a week or so. If she realises how seriously you’re thinking of splitting up, she will have to take notice or lose you – and she seems too emotionally unstable to lose you. People often become self-righteous and defensive when they are scared of cracking and breaking down completely. Do things gently, but do not be ambiguous. Deal with the physical issues last, once you have already helped her open up to you emotionally. Relationships have an inherent nature of vulnerability. Your SO knows what you are like better than almost anyone else, so they should also know your thoughts better than anyone else.

filmfann's avatar

Then I don’t understand why you called her an eager-beaver.

justus2's avatar

Well I have to say when I first met my fiance before we got together we would cuddle and stuff but not have full on sex, he felt the same feeling of being unattractive and stuff, but he explained it to me in a different way, I would start the conversation as if you are just talking, not attacking her or pointing any fingers at her but I would say something like, “I really need to feel wanted and feel attractive”, kind of like a hint that is easy to get and see how she reacts. and I wish you the best of luck in resolving everything with her

Clair's avatar

to me, there is alot more of necessary information needed here. but from what you have said, you need to talk to her. explain your frustrations. and maybe she will initiate the sexual part, if not, than you need to help if it’s still awkward. sex can be touchy to some people. but, me personally, i wouldn’t be able to cope with the fact that she’s inconsiderate. i agree with whoever up there said ’ do you want a fun inconsiderate girlfriend? or a mature romantic relationship?”
that is very possibly two different quotes

Catalina_Lovely's avatar

Well I really think you need to talk to her and tell her what you told us.And if she really loves you she will put aside her pride and try to change.

cwilbur's avatar

The physical part of the relationship is a very important one. If you’ve spent more than half the time you’ve been together not having sex, after you started out very physical, then something is very wrong.

So I’d say you have two real paths you can take. Work on sex with her, with an eye towards improving it; or break up with her. This is the sort of thing that simply will not get better on its own.

dannyc's avatar

Your personal dilemna with a woman is intricate. Suffice to say that no amount of reading of your question would make me aware of what you are feeling. Use logic, reason and your experience, and never mind whatever answers your receive here. They would be unsubstantiated.

dave65444's avatar

I am experiancing a similiar problem but we still are sexually active just not as often as it should be I’m 26 and she is 24 she just had a child four months ago and we both go to school and work we are very sexually compatable but she is still uncomfortable with many aspects of sexual activitiez due to the pregnacy I know that this is not the same issue that you are having but just telling you women are a vey complex organism and its something more than that she is not into you sexually. Talk to her make her feel like she is the mlost attractrive women on earth and try to just pleasure her she will then let you do whatever you want.

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