Social Question

artemis's avatar

Why did she lie to me? What should I do?

Asked by artemis (34 points ) April 15th, 2011

So I skype with this girl who lives all the way in Australia and after the first week I was lovestruck. We skyped every day and before anybody asks, I know we aren’t in a relationship at this point and never will be because we live so far away from each other, but she’s coming to where I live in December (unrelated). Anyway, earlier today I asked her how the party she went to the night before was and then I asked if she hooked up with anybody. She said no. Few hours later she gets tagged on facebook in a photo of her making out with another guy and I went wtf. At this point it’s pretty obvious that I like her. Anyway, my question is why did she lie to me? To preserve my feelings? She knows I like her but I would have preferred that she tell me the truth instead of lying to me straight up… And my second question is, what should I do about it? Ask her why she lied to me? I’m just a little confused as to where to go from here because it’s going to be really awkward now. And I know that we’re not in a relationship.

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15 Answers

Haleth's avatar

I always thought “hook up” meant “have sex.” Maybe she just kissed that guy and nothing further happened.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

If you aren’t in a relationship where both parties have made a commitment to each other, then there is nothing that should be said about the photo, at least in an accusatory manner, such as lying. As @Haleth points out, you may have different definitions of ‘hooking up’, and unless there is more information posted on FB that you didn’t share, you really don’t know what the story is behind the photo.

You mention that you know that the two of you will never be in a relationship because of the distance, but that is not necessarily a true statement. Several of us here on Fluther have overcome the distance and have healthy relationships, albeit a bit out of the norm. You say that there is no hope of of a long-term relationship and there are no promises made to each other, then maybe your friend has taken that to mean that you desire no more than a friendship. My recommendation is to let the situation with the photo go.

Once she moves to your area, the two of you can take it to the next level, be it just friends or that it potentially develops into something more. Relationships that start out in the internet are challenging, but there are many happy stories regarding the end results.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Kissing a guy is not hooking up. She didn’t lie to you. Get over it. You’re not in a relationship. She is going to date people in her day-to-day life. And you should, too.

kess's avatar

Most women would lie in a situation like that…..once there is a chance that they will get away with it….it has to do with the way they think, it would have surprise me more if she told you outright that she hooked up

Seelix's avatar

I always thought “hooking up” meant having sex, as well. If that’s not what it means where you are, @artemis, maybe that’s what it means in Australia.

Either way, there are a few reasons why she might have lied to you. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she doesn’t really like the guy she kissed, and because nothing will come of it, she didn’t think it mattered. Maybe, as mentioned above, she doesn’t think she “hooked up” with anyone and isn’t lying.

Regardless, you’ve said that you know you’re not in a relationship with her. She’s free to kiss whomever she wants and isn’t accountable to anyone for it.

I don’t know what to tell you about where to go from here. It’s a sticky situation – you like her, so you’re upset about knowing that she kissed someone, but because she’s not your girlfriend, it’s not your place to be angry. Talk to her and let her know how you feel, and see where it goes from there.

@kess – Way to generalize. Not all women think in the same way and try to get away with things like that. Maybe that’s the case with the women you’ve been involved with, but you really shouldn’t say that “most women would lie in a situation like that”.

marinelife's avatar

You do the only thing you can do: you ask her about it.

Perhaps it is a simple misunderstanding of the phrase “hook up”.

You are closing yourself off to important real relationship possibilities by pouring all of your energy into a Skype “relationship.”

CaptainHarley's avatar

If you’re “not in a relationship” WTF does it matter??

blueiiznh's avatar

Why on earth did you ask her “if she hooked up with anybody.” What were you phishing for?
Make sure if you ask a question, you are prepared to hear the answer.
You are not dating, she could have easily said “It’s none of your business”. She said no because she kissed a guy, she didn’t hook up.
Leave it be.

Don’t get your undies in a bundle! Sheez…

captainsmooth's avatar

Why do people lie? Sometimes to spare your feelings.

Was it a lie? Hooking up? Making out? A drunken lip lock?

Why are you asking her?

wundayatta's avatar

You should skype with her and tell her what you saw and what you heard and tell her how it makes you feel. If you want, you could ask her a question. She should know that these things bother you, so she can have a choice about what to do about it. You should ask her to tell you things. You should consider why you feel this way and what it means. Do you feel a sense of ownership?

You should get these feelings out in the air so you can both discuss them. Maybe you won’t want to continue Skyping with her. Maybe she won’t want to stick with you. Maybe you’ll both grow and this will help build your relationship. Maybe it’ll lead to a discussion about what you each want from each other.

Online relationships can be very powerful, and you can fall it love. Whether that love would translate into the real world is anyone’s guess. It can. I don’t know how often it does. You just should be wary that you might be fooling yourself, and you might be creating fantasies about the other person that have little to do with reality. Be skeptical.

WasCy's avatar

LOL @ “What should I do?”

Break up with her. That’ll teach her.

Kardamom's avatar

You aren’t in a relationship, but yet you are getting upset, hurt and angry as if you are in a relationship. That’s why she lied to you. Because it wasn’t any of your business.

She’s probably well aware of the fact that you like her in a romantic way. She probably does not feel the same way about your or else she would have said so, specifically. She probably aslo realizes that because you do live so far away, that there is no chance of you guys ever being in a “real” romantic relationship. So she if free to socialize (and kiss) guys who are in her town.

She probably also enjoys skyping with you and even flirting with you. What she doesn’t realize, is that by doing that, she is encouraging you to have deeper feelings for her, which will never be brought to fruition because of your long distance problem.

I would just be very calm and simply say something like, “Hey Carmen, you said you didn’t hook up with anyone at the party, but there’s a picture of you kissing some guy on Facebook. Are you guys going out?” Then let her answer. She may say that she’s not going out with him and not tell you anything else. Don’t push her to tell you more if she doesn’t want to. That will only make her defensive and she might become angry with you. Or she may tell you the whole situation.

Whatever she chooses to tell you, don’t get mad, don’t get weepy and DON’T act like you are her boyfriend. Just say, “Oh.”

This is one of those situations in which you have fallen head over heels with an un-available person. You have to decide whether you want to keep up the charade of continuing to skype with her (and continuing to feel love and getting hurt and feeling jealous) or cool it. If you can manage to get over your lovey-dovey feelings for her and just be friends then make sure that when you skype her, you keep it in the friend zone and out of the boyfriend zone.

But I’ll let you know that when one person feels love and the other person feels only friendship, the relationship is likely to come to an unpleasant end. Long distance relationships usually end badly too. Your best bet is to find a girl that you like in your own town. Don’t sabotage your romantic efforts by looking for love in faraway places. It may be fun and exciting for awhile, but it’s not practical. Feel better : )

kalrbing's avatar

I understand what you are asking. The question does not pertain to you having feelings for her or whether you should care….You just want to know WHY SHE LIED TO YOU. Well, as many said before, the term hook up means to have sex, to most people. Is it that you assume that they did more due to the kissing pic or that you call that level of contact (kissing) hook u? Personally if someone that I was talking to in that situation asked me that, I’d probably tell what I did do, just to show where my mind is (for no confusion). Even if it didn’t get to sex, I’d want to make sure that I wasn’t sending any mixed signals. I’d want you to know that I am still living a plain single life, but I don’t mind talking to you regularly. This is all hypothetical, but I’d atleast do that much EVEN THOUGH their was is no relationship established. You are ok for feeling this way, but I’d be more specific if I had anymore questions. To answer your question, ASK HER. Just don’t ask her why she lied, restate your first question more specifically.

SpatzieLover's avatar

You didn’t say where you live, but if she lives on a different continent than you do, Who the %*%^ cares who she kissed?! You aren’t dating, you’re skype-ing…and long distance skype-ing at that.

You aren’t dating. Do you even plan on meeting this girl in real life? Or is this all in hopes that you’ll both have cyber sex?

Hooking up=SEX here in Wisconsin. Pretty sure it means the same thing worldwide. She made out. So, she didn’t lie.

As far as I can tell you are being slightly delusional if you think she would stop living her life for someone on another continent she has little chance of ever really knowing.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You don’t even know that she made out. She kissed a guy and someone took a picture.

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