General Question

ducky_dnl's avatar

Am I stupid for being upset by my crushes past sexual relationships?

Asked by ducky_dnl (5371 points ) May 16th, 2011

Okay, so I have (or at least I think I do) a crush on a guy a know from church. The day before yesterday my opinion of him was some what shaken and yesterday it was completely shot. At first I thought he was a nice guy with the same values as me, but apparently not. He’s 21 and he’s had sex with 15 girls. He says he doesn’t like to “think about the number and crap”, but I’m still relatievly upset. We both like each other, but I’m not sure what my opinion of him is. I’m disgusted, upset, sad, angry and almost any negative feeling you can think of because of his past. I got really rude towards him when he told me. I have no right to judge I know, but I can’t help it. I just want help to get over him. I know he is not the right person for me, but I can’t. I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to say to him. Should I break off communication with him? I’m NOT letting myself get dragged through the mud emotionally over this, so that’s why I need some opinions. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but his past overpowers everything else. I have to see him this week as well because he and my brother have plans and I have to go. I really want to say I’m sick, but then again I want to see him and treat him like crap. I want to hurt him like I was hurt by his past. I know that isn’t good, so what should i do?

Sorry if this has typos. I’m tired, it’s 3am and I’m just ugh…

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28 Answers

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Ok, so, break it down for me. Why does this number bug you? Is there any way this number could not bug you – like maybe 14 were all when he was 18, was having a really rough time, and since then he’s only been with one gal? Is it that you’re afraid you’ll just be another notch on his bedpost, or something else?

ducky_dnl's avatar

@MyNewtBoobs Even the thought of one bothers me, but I’ve learned to live with one or two if they’re over 19. 15 is a lot. It just disgusts me. I haven’t been with anyone and 15 just seems like you’ve had almost everyone in my eyes. I don’t know if he regrets any of it, but he just seems like someone who tricked me. He gave off this different impression and then when I found this out, I felt and still feel somewhat let down and betrayed if that makes sense? I like him and would like to make things work, but there is this part of me screaming “Don’t do it! He’s had 15!!” and I can’t get the image of him with other girls out of my head. :/

augustlan's avatar

Hon, this is going to come up a lot as you get older. The thing you’ve got to wrap your head around is that sleeping with X number of people doesn’t make someone a bad person, in and of itself.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@ducky_dnl Sounds like jealousy is rearing its ugly head. Thing is, if he hadn’t slept with those women, he wouldn’t be the man he is today that you have a crush on. And you tend to sleep with people you have relationships with, and the only way to find out if you’re good with someone is to give it a try. So from another point of view, he’s just really looking forward to meeting that one special woman who will be with him for a really, really long time. But sex with him won’t be any less special because he’s done it with other people – trust me.

ducky_dnl's avatar

@augustlan I know. He is a very sweet guy and he accepts all of my emotional flaws and I know I should do the same for him. It’s just that sex is a big thing for me, ya’know? I would feel relatively disappointed with myself.

augustlan's avatar

If you’re dead set on dating a virgin, I’d suggest you look for a guy who’s in some kind of abstinence club or something.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@augustlan She’s still young, she can find a virgin. But you have to move fast, which you might not want to do…

@ducky_dnl What about it is such a big deal to you, specifically?

finkelitis's avatar

Another thing to keep in mind: men tend to exaggerate that particular number upward.

But assuming that he’s telling the truth, or even close to it, I think you need to examine your own expectations, and the fantasy your crush has led you to. He didn’t make any promises—you constructed a fantasy around him. Now he’s shown you that who he is doesn’t fit that fantasy, and you’re angry with him.

This is a chance for you to grow, I think. People always retain their ability to surprise, to break out of the conception that you have of them, for better or for worse. You don’t have to date him given what you know about him now. But I think that you can recognize that you might be angrier at yourself for being wrong about who you thought he was, and then forgiving yourself. It’s an easy mistake to make, and the more you realize how easy it is to project onto others what you want them to be, the less you’ll do it (hopefully), and the more you’ll be able to see them for who they are.

Which in this case, is someone who has a different conception about the importance of sex as you. And I bet there are a lot of other things you don’t know about him still, that might delight or disgust.

augustlan's avatar

@MyNewtBoobs Oh, yeah, she definitely can. I just mean that her odds are better if she focuses on a particular group. I mean, you can’t go around asking everyone if they’re a virgin before you even think about liking them, you know?

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
shrubbery's avatar

Can I just ask why exactly does him having slept with 15 people disgust you? I just wanna wrap my head your thinking before I answer with mine.

snowberry's avatar

It is a fallacy to assume that EVERYONE over a certain age is not a virgin. I know several, both men and women in their late 30’s. They want to marry, but, for different reasons haven’t found the right person.

The fact that this guy is more or less advertising his sexual past is sort of a tip-off, and I’d want to find out why he’s doing that. There are people (me included), who started out sleeping with every guy around. Then as they matured and their attitude about life changed, their behavior going forward changed as well.

If virginity is really important to you, I agree that you would do well to find a group of people who are dedicated to virginity. Here’s one: http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2007/12/why-do-hard-things-part-one/ I suspect these people might fit that description, although virginity is not their main focus. When you find such a group, ask them how to deal with this sort of problem. You might be surprised at the answers you get.

flutherother's avatar

I understand how you feel the way you do, especially when you know the guy from church. I would be friendly but distant until you figure out how he really feels. None of the previous 15 girls have been special to him but that doesn’t mean you can’t be.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Your crushes past experiences are what make him him. If you don’t like the fact he’s had sex with so many girls then that’s fine, everybody is entitled to their own opinions, values etc, but trying to emotionally hurt him because he does not share your values is not fine. If you no longer want to see him then tell him. You don’t necessarily have to tell him why.

gm_pansa1's avatar

No, it’s not stupid. You can’t help the way that you feel.

Hibernate's avatar

You wanted more from the possible relation that’s why you feel that way.

On the other hand your anger towards him is justified.

BUT if you do not like the way he acts / thinks do not stay in his presence.

SofaKingWright's avatar

At least he will know what he is doing in the sack!

…….Can’t say that for most.

LuckyGuy's avatar

If it bothers you now, it has the potential to always bother you. You don’t need that- and neither does he. He told you the truth when you asked, (assuming you asked).
there is no need to be mean. If you want out, slowly start backing away.
15 partners at 21 can mean any or all of these things: Let’s assume he started when he was 16.
1) He averages at least 3 partners per year so either he has can’t hold a relationship for more than 4 months or he was double teaming or….
2) He does not value the act of sex as much as you. ( As in sharing it only with a special person.
3) He considers all the partners “special” . In which case he can be a bit fickle.
4) He went through a bad boy phase and is over it. (Have him tested before you decide to do anything with him.)
5) He was raped by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
I’m thinking the last case is probably not the most likely so you can forget about that one but the others will have a real effect on your relationship for years to come.

You learned something from this experience: “Don’t ask a question of you do not want to hear the answer.”

marinelife's avatar

Why are you focusing on his past? He was not with the 15 girls, he was with you, interested in you.

It is rather immature for you to try to “punish” him with cold behavior. He can’t change what is past.

What is past has noting to do with the person that he is now.

Are you perfect? Let you who are without sin cast the first stone. You did say you knew him from church, right?

If he has changed, why not give him a chance?

Stop focusing on the past and live in the now.

lonelydragon's avatar

No, it’s not stupid. You feel the way you feel. And I can understand why you are disappointed. Since you met him at church, you probably assumed that he shared your beliefs about sex.

While your feelings are understandable, realize that it is unfair to punish him for not meeting your expectations. What would that accomplish? He can’t go back in time and re-write his dating history.

Since you are still upset, I recommend taking a “cool down” period. Wait a week or two before you see him again. I know you have plans with him already, but maybe you can find an errand that needs to be done so that you don’t have to see him for now. Once you’ve had some time to cool down, you’ll be better able to make a rational decision. Realize, of course, that if he’s seriously interested and you can’t reconcile yourself to his past, then eventually you’ll have to tell him that you don’t see a future with him (you don’t have to explain why).

tedd's avatar

As much as 15 is a high number for his age, you shouldn’t hold his past against him. I had a similar experience with an X g/f, where she was upset/jealous/whatever about my number (which was only like 10 at the time, and I was a few years older than your guy). In the end what it comes down to is you can’t blame his past mistakes/experiences/life on him. Now don’t be blind to other things, if he’s just a player and wants to add you to the list then run off, recognize that….... But if his number arrived at 15 somewhat like how mine arrived at 10, where he was the one screwed over in most of those cases, or he was young and had some “wild days” in his past but has since matured…...... Don’t hold that against him.

Stinley's avatar

@SofaKingWright Not sure this is right. Practice makes perfect, sure, but generally with sex, practice makes it perfect with one person. You kind of have to start again with someone new – find out their likes and dislikes.

ducky – I’m not sure you are going to be able to get over this with this guy since you’ve had such a strong reaction to his past behaviour. (he is probably a bit put off by your behaviour too.). So maybe move on – stay polite but cool towards him, talk to other people instead of him. It’s not your place to ‘punish’ him.

I’m sure you will find someone else who is more acceptable to you.

Facade's avatar

If you don’t like it, find another guy who hasn’t been spreading his oats everywhere. There really isn’t much else you can do aside from changing your whole mindset on the matter. for the record, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your mindset.

john65pennington's avatar

I compare people to used cars. Both have a past history. You cannot change the torture and mistreatment a used car has been through in its past. The same could and should apply to people.

I have seen autos for sale with a sign on the windshield that states FOR SALE AS IS.

Maybe, some people should wear the same sign around their neck…......AS IS.

Upfront, this sign would tell you what to expect in cars and humans.

Jaxk's avatar

I find both the question and the answers here quite fascinating. Maybe it’s the generational values or I’m just out of touch but I can’t imagine asking a GF/BF how many people they’ve slept with. And if asked, I can’t imagine answering that question (let alone with a number). There is no good outcome from either the question or the answer. No matter what the answer is, it will be bad. So why ask. As a side note, I also can’t imagine keeping a tally sheet to keep track.

If you ask a question like that, you need to let your friend know what answer you’re looking for. That way he can either tell you what you want to hear or tell the truth, knowing he’ll hurt you. You wanted confirmation of his values, well you got it. If the answer scares you, you should cease asking scary questions.

King_Pariah's avatar

its natural to do so, just don’t let it interfere with where you want this to go.

wundayatta's avatar

The key here is what the disparity in experience means to you. Do you think of him as a man-whore for having so many sex partners? Do you feel like he has so much experience and you will never be able to satisfy him? Do you think he has bad morals because of this? What does his behavior mean to you?

And why do you want to punish him for his behavior? Do you feel like he owes you something because you got a crush on him? Like somehow he sucked you in? You are judging him for something that is not relevant if you don’t have a relationship with him. How did you find out about his sexual history? Did you ask? Did he volunteer? Did you get it from another source? Your brother, perhaps?

If you can’t stand the guy, don’t go. If you have to go, just sit there and be quiet. Bring some music. Put on your headphones and zone out. You’re not there.

Let time go by. It should cool you down a bit.

john65pennington's avatar

I agree totally with Lonelydragons answer. Well said.

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