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skateangel's avatar

I have an online crush and don’t know what to do about it, please help?

Asked by skateangel (298 points ) July 8th, 2011

Hey guys. Well to begin with I have social anxiety so it’s hard to talk to anyone in real life but I’ve been talkingonline to this guy on and off for a year now and I really like him. I KNOW online crushes are dumb but he’s so special and makes me feel so happy. The problem is he just told me he likes another girl in real life which just crushed me:( I mean I know it’s stupid cause its just online and nothing could happen anyway but it really hurts:( I can’t just find a guy in real life cause i get too nervous so its almost impossible to connect with someone. He was the only one…what should I do? Should I tell him how I feel (not that that would change anything and it might weird him out) or just stop talking to him (since hearing him talk about her would just kill me)?? Please help, i feel pathetic

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15 Answers

WasCy's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

There’s nothing wrong with telling someone that you like them, or even that you really like them. It might just make his day, regardless of how he feels about someone else (or many “someones” for that matter). It always makes mine (which is why it’s probably a very good thing for the rest of the world that it happens so seldom; that could really go to my head).

I’ve learned to think – I didn’t always think this way – that if you really love someone you take joy in their happiness, even if it has a cost to you. If you like this boy, then you should be happy that he has someone nearby to share his love with. Not that your feelings are invalid! They certainly are not invalid; but the girl he likes (“the other girl he likes”, because he undoubtedly likes you, too, or he wouldn’t be talking to you for a year or more) is nearby, and that’s more convenient and probably more fun, if we’re being honest.

So tell him how you feel. Tell him that you’re happy for him (and mean it) even though it hurts you a bit (and be honest with him about that, too).

Doing all of this may just help you with some of your shyness. It’s great practice to work up to “I love you” (someday) by letting someone know “I like you”. (And those things are not always communicated in bald words as “I like you” and “I love you”, you know. I’m sure the boy knows that you like him. Telling him “in words” is just a confirmation of what he already knows – and a good place for you to start.)

People never know this about me because it’s not so obvious any more, but I used to be incredibly shy myself.

Schroedes13's avatar

Ya either way, I agree with WasCy. You need to tell him how you feel. And either he will reciprocate your feelings and you never know, things could work out. If you can talk to him online, what would stop you from talking to him normally in person. The other path that could be taken is the latter one you’ve already said. It might change the relationship and you might have to stop talking. But nonetheless, you need to tell him how you feel!

john65pennington's avatar

You feel pathetic? Bless your heart. The love bug has bitten you right on your keypad. This happens. Its happened in the past when the cowboys ordered mail order brides. They were sight unseen and I guess you could also call them pathetic.

Have no fear. I am sure you are not the only person that has fallen into this situation.

I would keep talking to him and see what developes. You might just get lucky.

Cruiser's avatar

Hot Damn!! @john65pennington it’s great to see you!

ETpro's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. I don’t see why online relationships are inherently any more dumb than real life ones. Maybe it’s a bit easier to make grandiose claims online about being rich, beautiful, and a PhD who travels the world advising Kings and world leaders. A dried up old windbag can make such claims online whereas if the same person claimed such in real life, people would laugh in their face, because one look at them would tell them the claims were absurd. But the same basic rules apply to Web and RL relations. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

I’ve been married since before the Internet ever took off, so I have never flirted with online relationships. But if I were free today, I wouldn’t hesitate to use the Web as at least one tool to explore. Just don’t get discouraged when the very first try doesn’t pan out. Get back in there and find somebody who’s a good firt with you, Happy hunting.

john65pennington's avatar

Cruiser, missed you guys, too. I had to do a two week stent in silence. I am back with a fresh roll of duct tape for my mouth. Thanks…jp

DrBill's avatar

I know exactly what you mean, I have a crush on someone right here on Fluther. She did not tell me she had someone else, but she did tell me she does not feel the same as I do. I have chosen to leave her alone, to keep her a secret, it is more important to me to see her happy in life, even if that means with someone else. She is still a friend, but not a girlfriend. I recommend you do the same.

koanhead's avatar

Feel the fear. Do it anyway.

rooeytoo's avatar

When I was in high school a nun told us in class, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! We were shocked that a nun would make such a risque statement! But I do think it is true and can be translated into many different areas of life. Such as, better to give something a try than spend your time wondering if you can???

Yeah, just tell him and if he doesn’t feel the same way, then you can find someone else who does. The internet is full of people!

DrBill's avatar

@rooeytoo

anyone who believes it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all should try it. even if the love last for a few months, the pain of loss will haunt you for years

rooeytoo's avatar

@DrBill – that was the whole point I was trying to make, we were all amazed that this nun had a real life before she became a nun!

I pretty much agree with her. There are lots of experiences in life that are painful but to avoid them because they might hurt would limit my life so greatly. It would be like living as a hermit. It just about kills me when I lose a dog I love, but it never keeps me from getting another.

When my mom died someone told me that the grief would not diminish but life would once again become bigger and for me that has proved true.

Kardamom's avatar

I guess I have a completely different take on this. I think most online relationships always have a bit of untruth or something missing to them, especially relationships that are between males and females, unless of course you already knew this person, in real life before you met online.

It’s just not possible to truly get to know someone unless you meet them in real life. I’m not saying that this fellow or anybody else is lying (although you never can know that for sure either) but you are only getting a very small part of the puzzle. So I would ask you if you have ever met this fellow in real life? And if so, do you have regular contact with him in real life. If not, your current friendship, that has evolved into a crush, is only based upon an image of this guy. Even though the image that he is presenting can and probably is completely true.

But IMO you can only really get to know people by interacting with the in the real world, on a regular, every day basis. That involves talking to them in person, watching them eat, listening to them blow their nose, watching them walk, seeing and listening to how they interact with other people, listening to them laugh and seeing how they react and interact with you. And not just on special occasions like a date. Every day situations like going to the grocery store, driving in the car, having dinner at his or your house, walking around town, interacting with his and your friends, tell you a lot about a person that you can never know simply by texting or e-mailing back and forth on a computer.

I think it’s super tempting for people to try to get to know people online, it’s easy actually, but in my opinion, you can really never get to know the person for real. You only get a glimpse of that person. It’s easier to type into a keyboard and say all sorts of things, and sound intelligent and funny and caring and poignant, when you are able to edit yourself before you push send.

That’s even the case with all of us Flutherers, but with us, at least on the posts, we’re generally coming to the question with the spirit of giving a useful answer, rather than trying to be charming, or interesting or funny (although if we’re lucky that sometimes happens too). I regularly PM back and forth with some of the Flutherers, but we aren’t going into the PMs looking to fall in love. For me, I usually talk to people to get their help, or to share a recipe or to personally ask for advice from someone who’s postings I admire, or to share an inside joke. I consider most of these people to be friends, but it would be different, if I was wanting to take it to a higher level of interaction.

Because I’m considerably older than you, the idea of forming romantic relationships online is totally foreign to me. I’m only in my 40’s, but to me, I couldn’t possibly feel like I was really getting to know someone well enough to want to enter into a boyfriend/girlfriend style of relationship with them, until I met them and spent lots and lots of time together with that person in real life. I get that sometimes that is not always possible, because of long distance. That’s another one of my own rules about getting involved with people. For my own sense of well being and putting myself into a position where it is most likely that I can get into and maintain a real relationship, I don’t do long distance relationships. It puts tons of extra pressure on people. But that’s my own rule, for my own life. I don’t expect anyone else to do what I do, but I’m just throwing it out there, that it adds another layer of separation. It’s just easier to meet people in your own town, in person, if you want to make it work out, without having all of that extra angst thrown into the mix.

Unfortunately, I think with the advent of e-mailing, to a certain extent, but mostly with the invention of texting and PM’ing, it actually creates a lot of un-necessary social anxiety in young people that wouldn’t be there if they’d been taught how to interact with people in the real world. Before there was texting, you only met people in the flesh. Either at school or at a party or at church or the beach or at sporting events, or through mutual friends or whatever. The only time you would meet, and maybe develop a little crush on a person who lived out of town is when someone’s cute relative was visiting from out of town. But once you met someone, you would see them in person fairly regularly, or at least talk to them on the phone (sometimes for hours and hours).

So regardless of how this situation ends up with this online crush, you should really look into finding ways to lessen your social anxiety (not for his benefit, but for yours). Because in the long run, you are going to live your life and if you just live with your social anxiety, you are going to have a much harder life.

As far as it goes with the fellow online, you can certainly take the risk of letting this guy know that you are interested in him than more than just a friend, but in a way, you will be throwing a monkey wrench into his new relationship with this other girl. I know you would never do anything hurtful on purpose, but try to look at it from the other girl’s point of view. If you were the one that was actually involved with him, would you want another girl to come out of the background and announce her love/like for him? Or let’s say that he’s always liked you from the get go and he’s happy to break it off with the other girl, what do you plan to do next? I think it would be very painful for you to carry on a relatinship with him, if it’s only online. I still don’t know whether you know him in real life. But whether you do or not, you will definitely have to overcome your social anxiety, one way or another. When you finally get to be with someone in real life, if you are so shy that you can’t function, any guy will only be able to put up with that for a short while, before he expects you to come out of your shell and participate in life and the relationship. Also, social anxiety, if left unchecked, puts you into a situation, where you will always be vulnerable and your relationships will always be un-equal.

So I’m hoping that whatever you do, and whether or not it involves this fellow online, that you will make it your goal to try to overcome your social anxiety. The first thing I would do about that is talk to your parents and your school counselor and even your primary care physician, just to get an idea about how to move forth. There are therapists that deal specifically with shyness and social anxiety. That is why I suggested talking to your parents and your doctor. They can help you find a good therapist who can give you exerises and the mental tools to overcome your fears (or at least to live with them, in a less horrifying manner).

Another thing I would like you to look into is Toastmasters International which is an organization that was formed to help people learn how to do public speaking, but it has evolved into an organization that helps people develop leadership skills, overcome shyness, and learn how to effectively manage social anxiety. It’s totally free of charge and there are chapters all over the country and all over the world.

Sorry this is so long. I don’t do one word answers, especially when it comes to relationships and young love, there’s so much at stake. There are a few things that I wanted to share with you to think about, beyond just the simple should you or shouldn’t you keep talking to this guy. I want you to be able to gain the skills you need to move forward and get what you want from life. Good luck to you : )

rooeytoo's avatar

@Kardamom a lot of what you say is true, but I am living proof that it is not always so. About 14 years or so ago, I at the age 50 couple, bought my first computer. I really knew nothing about puters but I did manage to find my way into a “chat room.” I met a man there from the other side of the world. I did not have romance in mind I was simply intrigued by this man and his culture. But we did fall in love. And in a way I think the love is much deeper and more complex when it is only words used to express it. The physical aspect of attraction (lust) often gets in the way of a true meeting of the minds. Whereas the mind was all we had and we learned to know each other’s soul long before we knew bodies. It may not work for you, but it worked well for us. We have been together going on 14 years now. I moved to Australia after having met in person twice. I love it here, it feels like home and I love my husband. It is interesting to note he was not my “type” from a physical perspective. He had a beard, I never liked beards, he is a big tall guy and I am a little squirt and was never attracted to big men. So had we come together in person before I knew his soul, I may never have given him a second glance.

So don’t write it off, keep an open mind and you never know…......................

(I knew a woman who “connected” with a bloke from toastmaster’s and was date raped, as I said, you never know)

CrammaDoodle's avatar

I’ve been dating someone for two years that I met online. He is amazing and I swear I couldn’t be happier. Yes, it involves a lot of trust, but I think some people are worth the risk. Do you really trust him? And don’t feel pathetic. If he makes you happy go for it. I think you should tell him…you’ll always wonder ‘what if’ if you don’t, I think. Hope it all works out for you. (:

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