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strawberrypomme's avatar

I did something bad. Now I'm in an awkward situation with a housemate and his gf?

Asked by strawberrypomme (206 points ) July 18th, 2011

I’m embarrassed writing this. My housemate and I kissed, but he is in a relationship, and me and her have actually become friends.
we decided not to do anything about it and not to tell her.
now when she comes round i am overcome with guilt and he babysits us when we’re alone together. i cannot continue like this, and need moral guidance from you guys at fluther.

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15 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

That’s a really sticky situation. Personally, I think he needs to come clean with her and tell her what happened. In the meantime, you can try to convince him to tell her and then just avoid them when she is there. I think as long as you have this secret, you are going to be uncomfortable. Good luck.

creative1's avatar

He needs to come clean but when he does don’t think she will stay your friend when he comes clean.

marinelife's avatar

You don’t need to do anything, except continue t feel bad when you see her.

He needs to tell his girlfriend.

You should consider getting out of this housing situation.

strawberrypomme's avatar

He definitely needs to come clean! I value honesty, but to him it makes life easier to pretend nothing has changed. How do I influence a confession?

marinelife's avatar

Talk to him abut it. Tell him that you are feeling bad about it.

Pandora's avatar

Whether he decides to tell or not isn’t your problem. If the place is his, than you should move out or if its yours than he should move out.
If you both stay together your friendship with him will be destroyed because of his distrust of you.
If he tells her, she will either break up with him or ask that one of you move out.
Either way I think your friendship with her is pretty much blown.
Now if it was a case of you and he were drunk one night and all you did was kiss and stopped before it went anywhere else, then you can both decide to keep quiet and just make sure neither of you are ever drunk at the same time.
If you both did it when sober than there are feelings there and the only thing to do is talk about it before you move out. If he definetly wants to stay with her than move on. Your feelings will only intensify if you stick around.

Jellie's avatar

Why don’t you just avoid her/them? Is she really that good a friend? I understand you are bound to bump into her now an again around the house but keep the contact minimal.

Hibernate's avatar

Just talk about this.

mrrich724's avatar

Learn from the lesson and move on. Seriously, I know it sucks but think about the things going on in this world, and you kissed someone. It’s NOT worth you beating yourself up over. Let him decide what he’s going to do with his relationship.

No biggie. Just a kiss. And if anyone should feel guilty it’s him, not you. You didn’t commit yourself to anyone! He’s a grownup and can make his own decisions.

Again, lesson learned and get on with it!

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I’ve been bouncing this one around in my mind since first running across it. If you don’t mind, may I ask you a a few questions? Who initiated the kiss? Why did the two of you kiss? Do you have feelings for this guy? What good might come out of it if you told the girlfriend?

Jellie's avatar

GA @mrrich724 ! You are so right.

strawberrypomme's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer he initiated the kiss; we kissed when he and I both admitted harbouring feelings for one another; I do have feelings for him (although I doubt myself in these situations cos it could just be simple lust); if I told her…I don’t know what outcome I’m expecting. Just this web of lies is hurting me, and everytime she’s round (which is most days) I have to pretend everything is normal and it isn’t.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@strawberrypomme Thank you for the clarification. It really helps put the situation into perspective. In much younger days, I’ve found myself in a similar situation, be it in the role of the girlfriend, the person with two interested parties, or the third wheel.

In your situation, what this guy did was a breach of code, if he is in a monogamous relationship. It is up to the guy to decide between either you or the girlfriend. Then it is up whichever girl he is willing to stay with to decide whether they want to continue (in her case) or start (in your case) a relationship with this guy.

I if were in either of your shoes, the answer would be ‘no’. As the girlfriend of a guy who did this, it isn’t about the fact that there was a kiss involved, but that he had feelings for someone else. It meant that he didn’t feel like this was the ideal relationship. As the ‘other woman’ with feelings for this guy, he needs to break off his current relationship before attempting to act on a new one. Otherwise, there might always be that niggling thought that he might do the same thing again. I have witnessed this type of behavior one too many times, and it is not limited to men.

Please reread @Pandora‘s post, as she provides the key. This isn’t just a case of a drunken kiss that shouldn’t have happened and can be swept under the rug and forgotten. From your descriptions, there is a good chance that this is only going to fester. Ideally, the situation should be discussed between all of you, but I doubt that is likely to happen. The bottom line is that someone needs to move out. Personally, I’m rooting for the guy to slink away with his tail between his legs.

strawberrypomme's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer Thank you. I think you told me everything I’ve been pondering, and from all angles it’s a well thought out answer.
We’re in a shared house situation and we’re each to move out in September. I wonder if I can hold on until then and do as little as possible to further complicate the situation, and once I have moved into a new place I’ll keep well away from the two of them. No point in continuing the anguish.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@strawberrypomme You are very welcome. Yes, it sounds like you have decided on the best option, which is to silently deal with it until it is time to move out. It will not be easy. There may even be a point where you change your mind down the road. While no expert, in my limited experience, I’ve learned that giving a situation like this some time to see how it plays out in the short-term.

Prepare for her to ask you why you are acting differently, as well as why you think her boyfriend is acting odd. Only you can decide how to respond to either question.

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