Social Question

lostinyoureyes's avatar

Have you ever been completely surprised by someone's crush on you/love for you?

Asked by lostinyoureyes (1067 points ) September 11th, 2013

Whether it’s a friend, acquaintance, or anyone—have you ever discovered that you were completely oblivious to an individual’s romantic feelings for you? And in those situations, why do you think you couldn’t see the signs? Could you see it in hindsight after finding out? Also, how did you find out?

(I think there’s definitely people who are really obvious with their feelings, and then in contrast, there are types of people who are good at hiding things, or there situations that call for you to hide your feelings, making it difficult to tell. Unrequited love or crushes interest me. So that’s my reason for asking. Thanks!)

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23 Answers

lostinyoureyes's avatar

Oh, and I forgot about the possibility that some people are not so good at reading these things too.

Jeruba's avatar

I was, yes. I thought we were friends—good friends, but that’s all. I was involved with someone else and my attention was focused, so I wasn’t looking for any signs of special interest from these young men. I found out only when they told me.

It bothers me when I hear the cliché “a woman always knows.” That isn’t necessarily the case. They were anything but obvious about it. If I’d been looking for signs of romantic attention from someone other than my boyfriend, I might have known, but I wasn’t. To me, looking for it would have been the same as inviting or encouraging it, and I wasn’t into those games.

downtide's avatar

I am always completely oblivious to it. I just generally assume that no-one could be physically attracted to me.

ucme's avatar

A friend at school, years later he came out as gay & revealed that he used to fancy the arse off me…who knew?

Unbroken's avatar

I have been surprised. Once I lost one of my closest friends at the time due to it.

Another time I thought I was being flirty with a gay coworker. Turns out he was effiminate and a virgin. Was saving himself for someone special. I seriously think he just had too much repressed sexual tension to be a good judge of that.

A supervisor of mine. He was married and I was not into him. I ended up losing my job over that one.

But then there were other times when I knew.

antimatter's avatar

I have been surprised when I found out a guy at work had a crush on me. The thing is I am a man and I am not gay.

johnpowell's avatar

I only hang out with drunks. Crushes are never a mystery.

zenvelo's avatar

I have been oblivious to women that wished I would ask them out. And it’s maddening to find out years later I could have had a lot of sex with them if I’d been a bit more aware.

A woman came up to me at my 20th high school reunion, and told me she’d been moony about me all through third year French, I don’t think I spoke ten words to her all year. But I was a pretty inward person then.

filmfann's avatar

I was badly treated by the women in my first few relationships. They said they loved me, but I was treated so horribly I began to think of myself as unlovable. This lead to a lifetime of self-hatred.
Later, when women seemed to really love me, I didn’t see it because it was simply unimaginable.
I now realize I can be loved, but I always think they must have really abysmal taste.

gailcalled's avatar

@zenvelo: At my HS 45th reunion, we all sat around and shared our crushes way back then. Everyone was surprised, astounded and pleased. We all, unanimously, did not know.

I ended up having two brief affairs, in series, due to these disclosers. My last hurrahs, as it were and lots more fun than they would have been with 17 year old boys.

tinyfaery's avatar

Every day. I can’t believe the most wonderful person in the world loves me—my wife.

downtide's avatar

@antimatter it doesn’t matter whether or not you are gay, only that he is. Well it probably matters to him cos it means he can’t have you, but the point is that gay people sometimes fall for straight people too.

lostinyoureyes's avatar

@zenvelo what did you think of her back then?

lostinyoureyes's avatar

@filmfann is it ever about taste? I feel we just love who we love…

augustlan's avatar

When everyone thought I was transferring to a different high school for the next year, several of my guy friends told me they’d always wanted to go out with me. I guess they figured they didn’t have anything to lose at that point. I was completely surprised, and told them they should have asked me…I’d have said yes. Then I ended up not transferring, ha.

Later on, I thought a guy I worked with was just a harmless flirt. I truly thought he was just joking around…right up until he kissed me in a sneak attack. I was so shocked I slapped him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I slapped a guy once. I thought I was demonstrating lady-like outrage, like Scarlett O’Hara. In response the guy back-handed me and knocked me across the room. That was the last time I ever expressed lady-like outrage.

augustlan's avatar

@Dutchess_III Oh, man. If he’d hit me back, it would have been on. I’d have fought with him til he killed me, probably. I’m…not that bright when I’m angry. Luckily for me, there were people around when it happened, and he came out looking like an ass.

Dutchess_III's avatar

He was about 6’4, vastly bigger and stronger than me. I have no doubt that I’d have been severely injured if I had actually physically challenged him. I was shocked more than anyting. I’d never been hit like that before.

zenvelo's avatar

@lostinyoureyes I thought she was super cute and way out of my league. I was pretty shy then.

@gailcalled I went to my 40th reunion this past June. A woman I was in school with and I had become face book friends with a couple years ago. But we figure we never talked at all in high school. We weren’t each other’s crushes, but I just flew up to Portland and spent a weekend with her, most of which was in bed with an occasional tourist excursion.

gailcalled's avatar

@zenvelo: Are you going to spend more time together?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Finding out about a crush or someone else’s love for me has happened three times, and all came as a shock.

The first was discovered when a co-worker asked if I would like to hike around a local island in the DC area on our day off. Essentially, she confided that she was very interested in me as more than a co-worker and friend. I don’t recall how a response was handled, other than gently ignoring its meaning. We remained friends, but not socially.

The second came about years later with another co-worker at the same company. He was married with five children. We worked on a couple of projects together and got along well. He shared that he was unhappy in his faith (Mormon) and his marriage. He started hanging out on occasion with my group of young single friends, and we got to know each other better. One day, I received a long letter from him. It talked about his feelings about me and how he knew that I loved him too.

In this case, I should have seen the signs of its development, but didn’t at the time. I felt sick about it; it put an end to a strong connection with another person who I considered a great friend. He later divorced, married a co-worker he met a year or so later, and is now on his third marriage. We are friends on Facebook.

Situation #3 came as the most shocking. After 25 years of marriage, my sister left her husband with their three daughters in tow. They met when I was 10 years old and married two years later. She was 24 and he was 31. At the time, my parents were travelling several times a year on business, and I stayed at my sister and BIL’s house, as she was a teacher at my school. The BIL found me to be a rapt audience for his many interests, including archery, tropical fish, weight-lifting, and just nature in general, all conducted on their 17-acre land.

Shortly after the divorce, my sister bought a house in town. During a trip there to visit her, she set me to work painting walls in the basement while she took the girls to the local park. The ex-BIL showed up and took up a paint brush. In the midst of our silent work, he said, “I love you and always have. Unless you find someone else, I always will.”

Well, knock me down with the breeze from a hummingbird’s feather. Once the information sunk in, I was livid. This man just destroyed what I had considered a wonderful brother/father/mentor role that he played in my life. This survived through his terrible divorce battle with my sister, who, for years treated my sister and one of their girls horribly. He had always been a kind person to me and would always be the girls’ father, so I thought it would be best to keep on decent terms with him.

This bit of news though, left me flabbergasted. The thought of, “Did I love him this way too?” flashed through the brain. The answer was, “No. Never have.” My curt and angry response to him was, “Well, you will just have to get over it. It will never happen.”

About a year later, I was visiting the hometown and finally confessed to Mom about the incident. She was always able to keep a secret. Her response? “This doesn’t come as a surprise. I suspected it.”

Apparently, I am one of those people that fall into the clueless category when it comes to how others feel about another person.

zenvelo's avatar

@gailcalled Yes, i think so. We’re trying to figure out logistics, since I have two kids that live with me. We might be going on a long weekend to NY (we’re on the west coast) in November.

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