@Londongirl We are all trying to help you. Most of us women on Fluther who have been around the block a few times (meaning that we have dated at least a handful of boys/men/males over the years) have figured out a few things that men say and do, that have slightly different meanings than what they’ve actually said. We are trying desperately to get you to be able to understand subtlety and veiled statements and euphemisms and signs and cues that you seem to be missing.
You’ve asked at least 3 questions over the last week about this one particular guy, so figuring it out must be pretty important to you. But then you just stated I like to discuss things in my mind so not really specifically seeking for answers. If you are not seeking answers, then why do you keep asking questions (or rather the same question worded in a slightly different way)?
I don’t want to hurt your feelings and I do want you to be able to take away from Fluther our collective knowlege about this subject. It is true that I have never laid eyes on this particular guy, or spoken to him, so I only have your words and your descriptions of his behavior to go on. But I’ll tell you again, most men (not 100% because that would be impossible) but most men do not have the same complexity of thought towards relationships that women do. Although there are some fine examples of men right here on Fluther that do, but that, my dear, is not the norm.
Men either want only sex with you, or they want sex within a comitted relationship or they only want to be friends with no sex. In your particular case, it seems pretty clear that the guy in question, only wants to have sex with you. Although he kind of tricked you into believing that he wanted more than that. He didn’t really trick you though. You just don’t have enough experience with relationships to know how to talk to men directly. That’s your biggest problem at this point. If you can’t talk to a man (or anyone else for that matter) directly and let them know what you want out of a relationship, then you will always be guessing and coming back on Fluther asking us to help you guess what he wants.
What happened in your situation, with this particular guy, is that you slept with him way too quickly, without really getting to know him. And what I mean by getting to know him, is spending weeks and months talking about all sorts of different subjects including: whether or not he wants to be in a comitted relationship (with you in particular, or with someone else, but not you) how he feels about having just sex and nothing more, or getting involved in a Friends With Benefits situation, or if he cares about other people, or if he’s mostly interested in his own pleasure and satisfaction, and how he reacts around his family and how he feels about his family, and what kind of friends does he keep and how does he treat you when he’s around his friends and his family, and what kind of faith or lack of faith does he have and does it mesh with your beliefs and how does he see you fitting into his future.
That is what I mean by getting to know someone. What you did, and what a lot of women do these days, is have a lot of online chatting with guys, then hook up for one date, then have sex either on the first date or the second date (and one or both of them is usually drunk), without having ever spent weeks and months with this person, in the flesh. Online chatting is simply not the same thing as getting to know a person who is right there in front of you (farting and having a stupid laugh and taking phone calls while you are having dinner with him, and constantly clearing his throat, and checking out other women while you are walking with him, and making rude comments about women or minorities or whatever). Those are the negative types of things that people do in front of you that gives you a good idea of what kind of person they are. But there are also good things that people do right in front of you, that you can also never know about when you are only chatting online. Things such as being kind to animals, and watching him give his mom a hug and a kiss and help her fix dinner, and watching him let other people merge into traffic without going into road rage, and having him ask you if he can fix you a snack, and watching him help a friend who is down on his luck.
Until you spend tons of time with a person, you are really taking a crapshoot by having sex with them and then hoping and praying that they’ll fall in love with you and want to have an exclusive relationship with you. Unfotunately for us women, who want romance and love and sex to go together, you really can’t tell what kind of man you’re going to get, if you have sex with him right away before you get to know him. Because men like sex and if you let them have sex with you, most of them will jump at the opportunity (both the ones that only want sex and the ones that want a real relationship). So at that early point in time, you can’t really know, because you literally do not know them (other than how cute they are or what compliments they gave you, or how sexy they think you look).
You have to learn/believe that there are lots of men that will not think twice about sleeping with you even if they have absolutely no intention of being your boyfriend, or dating you exclusively or even ever speaking to you again. Those types of men will say just about anything you want to hear, including “I love you, baby!” or “I want you to be my girfriend” or “Don’t worry, I would never cheat on you.” Because that is ultimately what a relationship-minded woman wants to hear.
After the fact, those types of guys, who still want to sleep with you, but still don’t want you to be their girlfriend will say other things like, “Let’s just see where this goes” or “I’m kind of confused, but I really like you” It’s at this point that you really need to learn that those statements are euphemisms. No one but the meanest guy around wants to come right out and say “I don’t love you!” to your face. And most guys already know, before they even meet you, if they are looking for a long term, loving, exclusive relationship or not.
The guy in this situation has given you his own euphemism to let you know (without screaming it in your face) that he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship with you, but he’s happy to keep having sex with you.
The only way to find out for sure if he is going to change his mind about you in the future (which is highly unlikely, just by observation of seeing 100’s of other situations like this over the years) you should sit him down and tell him how you feel about him and what you want from a relationship, directly, and let him know that if he wants to “see where it goes” with you then you plan to stop having sex with him, effective immediately, and that you want to take lots of time and many months getting to know him, and you need to let him get to know you too.
If he says he’d like to try that, then yea for you! If he doesn’t want to try this method, then that should be your answer right then and there, that he isn’t interested. Otherwise, you can just keep speculating and guessing till the cows come home.
I think you deserve better than what this guy is offering. I’m sure it hurts immensely right now, but until you figure out how the world of romance, dating and sex works, and you figure out exactly what you want and need (and are willing to put up with) you are in for a lot of heartache in the future. I hope you figure it all out and get the happiness that you deserve in the long run : )
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