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Kokoro's avatar

What should I do about this long distance relationship?

Asked by Kokoro (1408 points ) September 3rd, 2011

A guy I had been involved with (never officially dated) moved but before he left he expressed he loved me, and I felt he did when we were together because he was always there for me and took care of me. I did not look at him that way at first but over time my feelings grew.

We still talk/text each other on the phone but lately I have been feeling frustrated. Before we separated our ways we did make it clear we could see other people during this time. I said maybe we can discuss dating long distance if we still feel the same within a year.

However I find it hard because I feel like the way we keep in touch “I miss you” and “can’t wait to see you” etc makes me feel I would be betraying him if I saw other guys. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings but at the same time I do care about him and am not sure if I am even interested in other guys. He is very quiet so he does not express what he wants, I think he doesn’t know what to do about the situation. He always says “Whatever you want” or “I just want you to be happy.”

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10 Answers

HungryGuy's avatar

That’s tough. A few years ago, I was in a long distance relationship. I was commuting from NY to Cleveland every weekend by train. Didn’t work out in the end…

perspicacious's avatar

Why do you need someone to tell you what to do here. You are free to do as you please. We cannot tell you what you want to do.

rebbel's avatar

You say you agreed on the terms of being able to both see other people.
So, that is clear (I assume that if you discussed this you were both understanding and aware of the implications).
I miss you and can’t wait to see you can be romantically laden sayings, but they can also be said to someone who is ‘just’ your friend/family member.
The fact that you talk about betrayal when (possibly) dating others can mean, in my view, that you wished you hadn’t made that can see others deal, or it can mean that you feel (romantically) for the guy and if you would date an other, you’d maybe feel guilty?

zenvelo's avatar

Sounds to me like you feel trapped in this situation. If he comes back, would you be a couple? Would you be exclusive with him, or still want to be able to date other guys? Do you see yourself with him for a long time?

From what I have read that you’ve said above, I think you should be upfront and tell him this distance thing isn’t working for you, and that if he were present that the two of you wouldn’t be together. Don’t leave the guy hanging on that something is going to go on between the two of you.

After you’re honest with him, you can start dating other guys.

marinelife's avatar

I think you should visit him or he should visit you, and you two should explore your feelings and see if it makes sense to continue on as if you are in a relationship.

lemming's avatar

Love doesn’t come around that many times in your lifetime, sometimes only once…I don’t know how inconvienient it would be, but maybe you should move.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Tell him the gist of what you’ve shared with us. Tell him you love him and it no longer feels right on your part to consider seeing others, ask him how he feels about that.

creative1's avatar

You both need to figure out if you would be willing to commute to see each other because online is no way to have a relationship, it just doesn’t work. There are just too many misunderstandings and not knowing how to take certain comments. If you can’t figure out how to have a relationship in person its not worth even trying…

Seaofclouds's avatar

First, you need to be honest with yourself. Do you really want a relationship with this guy? You said that at first you didn’t feel the same way about him as he felt about you, so what changed that?

Second, if you decide you definitely don’t want a relationship with him, you need to talk to him and make sure he’s aware of that. It almost sounds like he likes you so much that he may be willing to “take what he can get”, as in agreeing to whatever you say because he wants to be with you that much. If that is the case, you need to be careful that you don’t string him along. If you decide you do want a relationship with him, take some time to think about what the means in the terms of being long-distance. How long will the distance last? Will either of you be able to travel to see the other? Would either of you be willing to move to where the other is eventually to end the distance?

Third, once you make a decision, have the talk. Talk about what you want, ask what he wants, and go from there.

Long distance relationships can be successful if both people are really involved in the relationship. Good luck!

Kokoro's avatar

Thanks everyone.

@Seaofclouds I began to notice how wonderful he was to me and began to care. This is the thing. I am not sure if I am “in love” with him, but I do “love” him. I still think about being interested in other guys so I don’t know if this is a red flag, or if I am simply needing to control myself.

I will admit a long distance relationship would be tough on me, especially since we never even “dated.”

@rebbel Yes, I would feel guilty. I still stand by my “see others” deal but I feel I can’t because of the way he talks and texts me.

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