Social Question

Shippy's avatar

I have been deleted and I cannot seem to move past this?

Asked by Shippy (9857 points ) April 3rd, 2012

I stopped contact with people for nearly a year, there were loads of reasons, but I would imagine primarily depression was the main motivator. But the feelings surrounding that were of hopelessness, loss of faith in human beings, loss of confidence in me (because I had the audacity to be diagnosed bipolar).

Lately I have made a super human effort to “get out there” and bit by bit I have. During this time a good friend of mine introduced me to an acquaintance of hers, in order to set up a business proposition with this woman. We met and seemed to get on OK. Although I found her to blow hot and cold. She would also say slightly derogatory things like; she told my friend she finds me sad? I think it is because at this point of my life I am stone broke (due to not working a proper job for a year). She has wealthy parents so is the complete opposite of me. The finds me sad part hurts because once I was vibrant and OK and I am well aware I am not up to par with clothes, shoes and so on due to finances. But my main function in this business proposition was ideas and to “tag along” in her business dealings which I did.
Any way she deleted me off blackberry messenger. I know this sounds really small, but it’s the first efforts I am making to socializing again and I have failed. Although to be honest I didn’t really trust her as she had lied to our mutual friend a said she had taken me out to dinner? When she had not. This has become so huge in my head that I can’t function. I know it sounds stupid but it has. Plus because we are in the same business of sorts I don’t trust phone calls, I keep thinking she is checking up on my prices or winding me up. I could really do with some insight. Sorry this is so long also.

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7 Answers

Bellatrix's avatar

It doesn’t sound like a small thing to me because it doesn’t feel like a small thing to you. You have been through a hard year and you are trying to get your life back on track. It sounds as though you are feeling extremely vulnerable and you probably are over-sensitive. That doesn’t mean that your feelings are irrelevant or irrational though.

So, do you need this business deal? Is it very important in terms of getting your life back on track financially? The reason I ask is because this person doesn’t sound like a good person to work with. She has lied, she has passed judgement on you but she hardly knows you and it would seem based on superficial things. Unless you really need to go forward with this opportunity, I would listen to your instincts. Look for something else with other people and perhaps this was a lucky escape. It sounds as though it will be more trouble than it is worth.

JLeslie's avatar

She is a liar, write her off. Probably if she had not deleted you, some of us would be advising you not to deal with her. I understand it can be hurtful, feel like a rejection, being deleted or blocked, but in todays world people do these things impulsively and at whim. Do your best to interact with more people so statistically you have a better chance of finding peers with integrity and similar interests to you. Some of it is a numbers game. Meet 10 people, 3 have similar interests, 1 becomes a close acquaintance or friend or business partner, whatever you are seeking.

BoyWonder's avatar

I will say this…not to sound insensitive or anything, I’m sure you’re a nice person, but nobody likes a downer, and nobody likes to hear sob stories or people who are excessively depressed all the time. When meeting new people, its best to keep the melancholy to yourself or save it for those who understand. And don’t worry about your clothes not being up to par. Chances are you may just be reading into it too much and it’s not a problem at all. Bottom line, just be happy and the rest will follow. People gravitate towards happiness.

wundayatta's avatar

The reason you can’t move past it is because you are depressed. Depression makes us fixate on negative things and fulminate about them and build them up until they take over the world. It’s not helpful.

I have found that mindfulness helps with problems like this. The thing is that the idea that this disaster is the end of the world is merely an idea. It has very little to do with life as it is lived. It’s an idea in your head and you are making it into something big. You don’t have to do that.

You can let the idea go, if you want. We hold onto idea like these because they give us a sense of importance. They are a way of creating meaning. But it makes more sense to look at ideas in terms of how useful they are to you, rather than in terms of how much meaning you can make.

Most ideas where we decide we are failures are pretty useless. They keep us from doing things. They keep us from trying things. They just serve to make us feel worse and worse. Sometimes we want to feel bad, and that’s ok.

Really. I think the best thing I ever did to recover from depression was to allow myself to be ok about being depressed. I needed to realize I had no power over it. I couldn’t control it. It was bigger and more powerful than I was. Sometimes, I just needed to enjoy being depressed.

But a failure? Not so much. That wasn’t a useful idea. Through my own version of mindfulness practice (I don’t meditate; I make music and dance), I learned to stop my mind. When my mind stopped, the ideas stopped. Especially the bad ideas. All of a sudden, I couldn’t feel bad about myself because the idea that I was a failure wasn’t there.

It could come back easily, but over time I have realized that I don’t have to indulge in that kind of thinking. When I feel the idea coming, I direct my attention to other things. In this way, I found I can avoid thinking the useless thoughts and when I don’t think the useless thoughts, I don’t feel so bad.

The thoughts are all there. I haven’t stopped them. I just haven’t given them “air time” so to speak. And that’s all I need.

I recommend you learn to meditate. Meditation gives you practice directing your mind away from all thoughts. Once you learn this trick, you can then apply it to directing your mind away from useless thoughts. Or it’s not really directing. Rather it’s as if there’s a fence around your conscious mind, and you only open the gate to the thoughts you like, and you keep it closed to the thoughts you don’t like. They stay out there in the darkness where you aren’t aware of them.

There will, of course, be times when they crowd in and jump over the fence and you can’t do anything about it. That’s depression. But then you meditate or dance or do whatever it is that makes your thoughts stop, and then all the bad and good thoughts clear out, and you have a clear, fenced in garden again, and you can choose to let it only those thoughts that are good for you again.

It’s all ok. The depressed times are good for you, too. Give yourself permission to be who you are and to think what you think. But also give yourself permission to think what you want when you want to, and to keep unruly thoughts outside the garden when you aren’t ready for them.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

If I were there, I’d give you a big hug to start with, and I’d tell you that I understand. I happen to be bipolar, too. Depression is real. It hurts, and if left untreated, it can be debilitating. I hope you are seeing a doctor and are taking medication for it. I also hope you are able to get therapy. I find that talking about my fears to a trusted, detached observer takes away the power the ideas have. It relieves me.

In my experience, there are people who come into my life to teach me a lesson of one sort or another. If I were in your situation, I would be grateful to learn what kind of person to steer clear of. I don’t need arrogant, ignorant people in my life. I would feel the pain and anger and bewilderment, and I would release it.

Best of luck to you. If you want to talk about any of this, send me a private message from my profile page.

Shippy's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake thank you so much Hawaii Jake for the hug it was needed I read each answer as it came in, went off and thought about it, so much made sense. I know it did all along, but my brain got stuck. On an idea like @wundayatta said. It becomes a rock a boulder then a brick wall and I so do not want to hide behind or be strapped behind walls anymore.
I cant have treatment currently due to finances. So I’m pretty much taking it day by day. I will pm thank you . Off to bed now very late here so thanks again.

Shippy's avatar

@BoyWonder thanks but I never talk about my depression to people. In fact I am a joker in public. The only signs I may show are tiredness I do get drained quickly but that is improving. I would never share any downer thoughts with people I am too private hence my signing onto fluther or example. But yes I agree a good point.

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