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frockdialect's avatar

My boyfriend wants to show me off to his ex gf and prove to her that he has someone better than her. Is it right?

Asked by frockdialect (117 points ) August 26th, 2012

His ex dumped him for another guy but told him that he could never get anyone as good as her. I have been with him for more than 6 months now but I sometimes get the feeling that he is still not over her. He wants me to meet or talk to her and show her that he has got someone better and that she is at loss. I’m not sure how to handle it. Is this normal or he is hoping for his ex to realize her mistake and come back begging to him?

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42 Answers

elbanditoroso's avatar

It’s sort of juvenile and really tack on his part. YOU ought to say no, that you will not enable this childish behavior.

He’s being a jackass.

nicole29's avatar

Don’t play a part in this… We all want to think/show that we’ve moved up after a breakup. But, if you’re happy with the new person, you shouldn’t feel the need to prove it to the old.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Welcome to Fluther!

There is no way to tell if the boyfriend is over his ex or not unless he tells you. There are some people who feel the need to prove that they are able to find a better partner, especially if they are the one who didn’t instigate the break-up. It’s one thing to feel that they have found a better partner. It’s another if they try to use it as a tactic at getting back at their ex.

As for how to handle it, I recommend going with your gut instinct. If it doesn’t feel comfortable to you, then don’t do it. Tell the BF how you feel about it and why. The news about your relationship will get back to the ex soon enough, if it hasn’t already.

Coloma's avatar

Yep, immature as hell, you’re a person not a show pony. If he wants something to trot out for an audience let him buy a show horse.

frockdialect's avatar

Thanks for the responses!

I have already told him I’m not game for it. He hasn’t insisted since but sometimes he gets this temper when he thinks of what she did to him and he wants revenge for it in some way. Maybe its his version of a closure?

RareDenver's avatar

If he was over her he wouldn’t care what she thought. That’s not to say his feelings for you are in any way diminished and doesn’t necessarily means he wants her back but the fact that he wants to hurt her as she hurt him says he hasn’t completely dealt with his feelings in this situation. If he can’t forgive and forget then he should forget forgiveness and just move on.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

You are being used as a sort of trophy, as kind of “look-what-I-can-do!” Don’t be his doormat.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Juvenile behavior and (publicly) you should be a bit miffed. Tsk. Tsk.

But, (inside) the request should make you smile. (If I were in your position it would make me smile.)
Here are some of the positives I see:
He is proud of you and thinks you are great!
He is not embarrassed to show you to his friends.
He is not hiding his emotions.
He is showing the world that he is taken and not interested in others.

I’d look on the bright side and not make a big deal over this. Heck, he has already updated his FB page . What’s the difference?

digitalimpression's avatar

(Generally speaking)The best revenge is living well. You’re not living well if you feel the need to lash out at someone who hurt you in the past.

Sunny2's avatar

If you happen to run into her, fine; but going out of your way to be shown off will only make you uncomfortable. Keep saying ‘No.’ He’s being a little boy. Nyah, nyah, nah nyah. how old are you?

frockdialect's avatar

@LuckyGuy You got me, I was flattered by his whole confession and I want to look at it positively. I just didn’t want to get blinded at the same time, so I came here for other opinions. Thanks!

frockdialect's avatar

@Sunny2 I do hope to run into her someday, and pray that I look fantastic. ;) We all want to show our ex’s we are doing good, going out of the way to call or meet her only bothered me. We both are 23.

Sunny2's avatar

@frockdialect Then, as they say, “Let nature take its course.” Or,” What will be will be.”
and any other platitude you want to add.

gailcalled's avatar

This trait does not bode well..it is childish (on both your parts) to care. Particularly when it is based on your appearances. I would examine the rest of his personality to see whether you can see a long-term relationship.

Pol_is_aware's avatar

I’m surprised by how critical most of the responses have been… This is really not that big of a deal. Sure, it’s a bit childish, but so is playing tag naked. Who cares.

gailcalled's avatar

P.S. “Right” and ‘normal” are vague words and not helpful. How about “mature” or “emotionally healthy”?

@Pol_is_aware: Frolicking naked with a lover is very different from vengeance games based primarily on appearances.

frockdialect's avatar

@gailcalled He never based it on looks actually. He is glad I have been there for him in ways she never did (and I only mean support and care, nothing adult). If you were to compare on appearance I myself would grade us (me and his ex) on the same level, not being modest, just honest.

syz's avatar

You may need a more mature boyfriend.

mrrich724's avatar

The fact that he gives a care means he’s really not over her. If he were, he couldn’t care less about how she feels about anything going on in his life.

Ron_C's avatar

I think that is a good reason to dump the guy. Even the thought of doing such a thing is degrading to you. Who know what other degrading activity he’ll find for you!

LuckyGuy's avatar

@frockdialect I tend to always look on the positive side I’m glad you see it the way I do. I assumed you guys were young. If you’re both over the age of 30, I would worry about his maturity. Otherwise, smile.

Kardamom's avatar

Unfortunately for you, your boyfriend is using you like a prize to get back at the ex.

If you were that important to your boyfriend, he wouldn’t be using you at all. He clearly isn’t over is ex and that’s a problem. He may not love her, but if he hates her with such a burning passion, that’s almost as bad, because he’s always thinking of her.

You probably are a great catch, unfortuntely he’s not treating you like a great catch, he’s treating you like a pawn in a nasty little chess game.

It would be totally different if you just happened to bump into her, which you probably would, eventually, and he just introduced you as his girlfriend and was very polite and calm about the whole thing. Especially if after the event, he said to you, “Frockdialect, I’m so glad you came into my life. Thank you for making me see how things can be really great when you’re with the right person.” and then he would make no mention of the ex girlfriend. That would be classy. What he’s doing ain’t classy.

You might want to say something like this to him, “Fred, you know I love you and I think that you love me too. I know it was hard when Alison broke up with you, but we’re together now and I hope that you can get over her and stop thinking about her, and just move on with our own relationship. I’m glad that you think you got a better deal with me, at least I hope that’s what you think, but I really don’t want to be shoved in Alison’s face as some sort of prize. I just want us to move on together, and put her in the past. Can you do that for me?”

Then pay attention to what he says. If he agrees with you, it’s all good. If he gets a little pissy and tries to tell you that’s not what he’s doing, be a little wary of his intentions. Good luck with this situation : )

ucme's avatar

What a fucking pussy!

Blackberry's avatar

You should buy a rotating podium, then tell him you’ll only do it if he presents you as if you were the latest invention that will revolutionize the industry.

Buttonstc's avatar

The other part of your Q is that you’re wondering if he is still carrying a torch for her (and you’re basically a temporary salve).

The answer is that he is definitely not over her and if she would take him back, he wouldn’t hesitate.

Here’s what I’m basing this on. There is a truism which states that the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

If he were no longer in love with her, he really wouldn’t be putting any energy into caring about proving to her that he’s found someone better. She would be irrelevant to his life.

Clearly that is not the case. Be forewarned about what this means for the future of your relationship with him.

He is clearly immature and shallow, so unless he has other marvelous qualities sufficient to overcome these deficiencies, I’d give serious consideration to dumping him now before you get so attached to him that he has the ability to break your heart. Shallow people have a tendency to do that as they’re chasing the next shiny new thing catching their attention.

He’s definitely no great prize. You can certainly do better.

AlaskaTundrea's avatar

To be honest, I’m wondering why you consider him worthy of being your boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he’s over the old girlfriend. I’m glad you’ve been there for him but he needs to grow up. You’re being used and, sadly, one of these days he may find someone who he considers more of a trophy girlfriend and dump you for her so he can really show off to the ex. Harsh at this sounds, this is how he’s coming across. You can do better.

Thammuz's avatar

Well, there’s two obvious sides to this: One, the positive one, is that he obviously doesn’t think she is right, otherwise he wouldn’t want to show you off. The other is that he still wants to hurt her, which means he cares what she thinks, which means he’s, at least partially, still not over her.

jehnstewart's avatar

Hmmm…sounds like he still has feelings for his ex. He wants her to feel guilty of losing him.
He didn’t get over her yet.

Kardamom's avatar

This situation reminds me of This Song

deni's avatar

What everyone else said. If he had no feelings for her left at this point he wouldn’t give a shit about her opinion of you or him. No good.

BosM's avatar

As has been said – he is not over her – or maybe it’s the pain of the breakup, but in either case it doesn’t matter – if you are the “rebound relationship”, or the “I’ll show her” trophy you need to decide what your relationship is built on.

Have a heart to heart and ask him if it is either of those scenarios or something else. He may take a long time to get over a break up, maybe he is insecure? Can you help him deal with what he is feeling about that so he can let it go? If not be careful, because harboring anger like that is not healthy.

It certainly is smart that you’d ask this question, and also a compliment to you that he thinks you’re a step up over his ex, but what does that mean – are you are prettier, are the two of you more compatible/suited to each other? If he can’t let go and move on then give him space to figure it out. Good luck.

flo's avatar

You answered your question it seems to me. If he is over her then why would he need to prove anything to her? And he is telling you that he’s using you.

Paradox25's avatar

He wants me to meet or talk to her and show her that he has got someone better and that she is at loss That would be enough for me to say bye bye. You’re with him on the rebound, and he is using you to boost his own ego.

janedelila's avatar

@Paradox25 So insightful. Been there. Not doing it again, it is teenage BS.

mpippin's avatar

I think he may still have some feelings for her or he would care less what she thinks about anything.. May wanna watch into that closely…

OpryLeigh's avatar

If he is that concerned about what his ex thinks then I think your suspicions that he is not over her may be right. It’s also very unfair of him to drag you into his beef with this girl.

anatidaephobiac's avatar

going completely against everything everyone else has said here, but i say go for it.

He obviously cared for her a lot at the time, so it’s logical she was able to really hurt him. he might well be over her, but just not over the hurt she caused him.

If you want to stay with the guy, is it really going to hurt to do this for him?

my take on it is to go for it, and really put the effort in.( dress up etc)

that shoulds be the end of it then, if not, then maybe it is time to re-evaluate your relationship.

frockdialect's avatar

Thank you all for your insights. I don’t want to read too much into this one-off situation but at the same time, my instinct tells me I should. I’m planning to talk to him about this and let him know it bothers me. Hopefully he is mature and caring enough to react the right way. If he is too defensive and says that I’m overreacting, I got my answer there.

gailcalled's avatar

@frockdialec: That seems to be clear thinking on your part. Well-said.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Make sure to investigate her first to be positive you ARE actually better looking (this is subjective and may need more opinions than your own) then go for it. Been there done that, there’s really no harm in it.

If he wants her back then let him go get her, you deserve better than that anyway.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

No, it’s not right. He’s being immature and incredibly rude.

snapdragon24's avatar

I cant believe he has the balls to even ask you that. For me, that is a prick who is not over his ex. What an idiot.

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