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sabine's avatar

I've never grieved before, am I grieving? or just upset?

Asked by sabine (88 points ) September 13th, 2012

About 2 weeks ago I had a miscarriage and after this happened, there were some complications, I had extra bleeding and my HCG levels were still way too high, when my stomach was felt by doctors, they said i still felt pregnant and I guess I was still holding onto anything that could mean I was still pregnant and I was gutted, but coping
My miscarriage was confirmed on wednesday and now it feels like i’m starting to grieve
I feel awful and I want my baby back so much!
I also don’t understand why i should grieve something that was never born?
It kind of feels like an imaginary relative has died, because no-one else is upset about it/undertands why I am upset?

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11 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

Well, you are greiving all the possibilities you imagined for the future with the baby. You did lose your pregnancy no matter what you believe about the fetus already being a life or not. :(. It’s sad. Were you trying to get pregnant, or was this an accident? Miscarriages happen all the time. About 20% of known pregnancies, it’s a higher percentage if you include all pregnancies. Some people might treat it as not a big deal because they see it happen to many women, but of course it is a big deal to you.

tranquilsea's avatar

Yes, you are grieving. I had a miscarriage and I remember how much it tore me apart. I still, 19 years later, think about who that child might have been.

As @JLeslie states: you are grieving the possibilities of who that baby may have been.

Hugs to you!

Pandora's avatar

Sound like you are. Sorry for your loss. I only went through one miscarriage before and at the time it didn’t hurt much but then I didn’t realize I was pregnant, so I never had a chance to build dreams about my baby. It wasn’t till I miscarried that I realized what had happened. At the time I just thought two things. One that we were not financially prepared for a child and two that if it had lived somehow it probably would not have been healthy. My diet was crap because we were so broke at the time. We were not ready to be parents and certainly not ready for a child that may be extremely unhealthy.
Well 7 months later I was pregnant again and things were better and we were on our way to improving our lives. I had my son, 9 months after that. He was healthy and strong. So I often thought, had I not had the miscarriage and things had not worked out the way they did, then I would not have had the son I have today or even his sister. Knowing what I know today I would not trade them in at all for the first child. For me that first child is still living through his siblings.
He or she has made their being possible. So they do not leave this planet without fulfilling a purpose.

YARNLADY's avatar

Every baby is our child, whether born or not. We named our son a few weeks into the pregnancy and referred to him by his name the whole time

My sister in law lost 6 babies to miscarriage, and the whole family grieved over every one of them. They were each given names and remembered in our hearts.

gailcalled's avatar

You don’t have to understand or codify or explain the feelings. Grief just is. It is profoundly more painful than being upset.

I am very sorry; the only solace I can offer (and it is a small one, I know) is that a miscarriage is Nature’s way of preventing something bad from happening.

I had two between my son and my daughter. During the second, which happened at the hospital, I was groggy but remember hearing the docs. discussing the abnormal umbilical cord; instead of two arteries and one vein, there were only two conduits.

If you shell fifty pea pods, in one you will most likely find a dried up or wizened pea.

Find people who will understand;

A support group, a member of your church or synagogue, a therapist. Do not devalue your feelings. They are yours, and you do not have to justify them to anyone.

marinelife's avatar

I am so sorry for your loss. Your baby-to-be was a part of you. Of course you would grieve this loss. Here is a helpful article that lists some further resources.

Take good care of yourself.

Sunny2's avatar

Of course you’re grieving. My sincere condolences. Be kind to yourself.
Have faith that miscarriages are nature’s way of erasing true mistakes in the conception process. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. It should NOT affect future pregnancies. As your doctor for more reassurance.

creative1's avatar

Your baby was still your baby and you are definitely grieving and should grieve a friend of mine went to cousiling after her miscarriage

DaphneT's avatar

Yes, you are grieving and that’s OK. You are experiencing normal feelings and you should not feel bad about experiencing those feelings. Those around you may also be upset but they may not know how to interact with you on the topic and therefore may not be showing it. Every person who interacts with you will have a different way of reacting to your news, a different level of emotion. Some will understand from very personal experience, some sympathize from the stand-point of understanding that you’re going through something very personal, others will become distant because they know how personal your grief is and may not want to relive their own, others will become distant because they simply can’t manage their issues and yours.

Don’t feel bad about grieving. If everyone around is seeming selfish and not understanding you, then definitely check out the local support group. You most certainly need to be in the physical presence of people who understand what you’re feeling.

wundayatta's avatar

It is even possible to grieve over children that were never even conceived. We want children so badly and we start imagining who they will be, sometimes even before we even start trying to get pregnant. By the time you are actually pregnant, it is almost as if that child is already here. So, in your mind, it is a full child with a personality and a life of its own.

We tend to put a lot of our hopes and love and even ourselves into our children. So when one is lost, we are losing a part of ourselves, and a part of our spouse, and a part of the community. It’s a serious thing and a serious loss.

Yes, it’s just a small piece of protoplasm, but in the minds of the parents, it has already taken on much more than that, and that is what you grieve.

Often times, when people do in vitro fertilization, several embryos are put back in the mother. Sometimes at the first ultrasound, you see three heartbeats. Talk about scary! But then, and the second ultrasound, there are only two heartbeats, and at the next ultrasound, only one. No matter how much they assure you that its the strongest one, it is so scary to think that one might die, too.

But there you are, sad—grieving about the little butterfly flickers that no longer light up the ultrasound screen, and yet scared and hopeful about your child who still has a chance, and you feel nuts for the grief when you still have a baby, and you know that baby will have a better chance because it is the only one… but still… the possibilities. That’s what we grieve. And it is a grief as powerful as any other.

Taciturnu's avatar

I miscarried recently as well… I’m sorry for your loss…

This is a perfectly normal time to grieve. you witnessed the loss of your child, whom you won’t ever be able to hold now. Even though some may not consider it to be a “real baby” it’s still all the dreams and plans that were lost with the pregnancy. Expect it to take a while to work through. I thought I was ok until someone gave me a birthday card with a baby on it and I lost it.

Stay strong. Things will get easier. If you need to talk, feel free to pm me. xo

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