Social Question

anartist's avatar

Know jokes by their punchlines? Especially religious jokes. NSFW?

Asked by anartist (14732 points ) September 22nd, 2012

I’ll start with this one:
“I’ll make you famous for at least 2000 years.”

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34 Answers

creepermax's avatar

Is that a crucifixion joke?
...
“Can you put me up for the night?”

ragingloli's avatar

“Your brother just was made bishop of Alexandria.”

janbb's avatar

“I don’t pray in that shul!”

CWOTUS's avatar

I’m guessing it has something to do with Mary’s boyfriend. But I haven’t heard the joke.

zenvelo's avatar

“Spectacles, testicles, prayer book, and wallet.”

gailcalled's avatar

^^^Funny joke. Don’t forget to describe the visual part of it.

CWOTUS's avatar

The way I heard that line, @zenvelo, it was, “Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.” The meter is better that way, and of course it fit, considering that the watch of the time was in a vest pocket.

gailcalled's avatar

^^^Me, too.

ucme's avatar

Billy Graham.

zenvelo's avatar

@CWOTUS Yes, much better meter. and @gailcalled , I thought this was just punchlines.

My favorite two punch lines of all time, although not religious jokes:

1. Mickey Mouse: “But Judge, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy!”

2. Scottish Sergeant Major : “The R-r-r-regiment voted to have it r-r-r-repaired!”

gailcalled's avatar

That joke, without the visual, is not a joke. The words and actions are inextricably mixed.

zenvelo's avatar

@gailcalled Okay:

“As the Rabbi made the Sign of the Cross…”

filmfann's avatar

“You thought I wished for a 10 inch pianist?”

gailcalled's avatar

@zenvelo: I thought you said “rabbit.”

glacial's avatar

“I can see your house from here!”

Sunny2's avatar

“Yes, it’s only a wallet; but it you rub it, you get a valise.”

anartist's avatar

First joke—What was the last temptation of Christ?

anartist's avatar

@CWOTUS I just know this has something to do with a r-r-rubber. Is that enough to get the rest?

The other: Mickey is in court, seeking a divorce from Minnie. The judge asks him “Are you claiming the reason for the divorce is that is Minnie is crazy?”

@filmfann

A man brought the little pianist into a pub and set him on the bar while he ordered a drink. The bartender said “That’s really cool. Where’d you get him?”
Many replies “I found a bottle with a genie, rubbed it, and made a wish. It was a stupid genie—You thought I wanted a 10-inch pianist?”

I was delinquent with my answer—see above—oh no—no one else is coming forth with the jokes for the punchlines and I am frustrated not to know them.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ragingloli I am very curious.

@janbb—something to do with shawl and shul?

Another:
He knows where the rocks are.

anartist's avatar

@zenvelo In a trench in France during WWI, a Catholic chaplain and a Jewish chaplain were discussing religion, and the Rabbi’s refusal to accept Jesus as the Messiah. The argument got very intense until they were knocked arse ovver teakettle by a passing mortar shell. The explosion knocked both men to the ground. As they stood up and dusted themselves off, the Priest saw the Rabbi cross himself.

“Aha!’ cried the Priest, “You’re a believer after all!”

“What nonsense!” replied the Rabbi. “Whatever are you talking about?”

“After the blast, I saw you cross yourself as we were standing up!” said the Priest.”

“Oh no!” laughed the Rabbi, “I wasn’t crossing myself, I was making sure everything ws still here!” (Here you pantomime an exaggerated sign of the Cross) “Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!”

anartist's avatar

@glacial What did Jesus say as he ascended into the heavens?

anartist's avatar

@Sunny2 something to do with the Scotsman’s sporran?

Sunny2's avatar

@anartist Nope.
For years the moyl (I don’t know how to spell it), it’s the man who does circumcisions for a synagogue, saved the foreskins of the babies on whom he operated.The pile of foreskins grew and grew. Finally, he decided he had enough for the village leather worker to create something for him. The leather worker said to come back in two weeks. So two weeks later the moyl went to pick up whatever the leather worker made. The moyl was dismayed. It was a wallet. “But. . . but . . . I had so many foreskins and you only made a wallet? And I made a typo. Should be But if.)

anartist's avatar

@Sunny2 haha! [mohel]

anartist's avatar

aaahhhh @CWOTUS
A stammering Scotsman dressed in full military regalia, went into a pharmacy on the parade route.
He approached the manager, took out a decrepit looking used condom, spread it out on the counter, and asked; “H-h-hhoo mooch fer a new one?”
The manager quickly told him they were a dollar a piece, depending on the size, color, etc. The Scot thought for a moment, then asked; “H-h-h-hoo mooch ta hav it repaired”
The pharmacist was at first amazed, but decided to go along with the gag.
He said ; “well this one will have to be vulcanized in a couple places to patch the holes….how’s seventy five cents?”
The Scotsman picked up the condom and left the Pharmacy rather abruptly.
About forty five minutes later, he came back..spread out the condom again, and said;
“The R-r-r-regiment voted to have it r-r-rrepaired”

ragingloli's avatar

@anarchist
The devil was walking around the desert when he came across a small number of his servants, trying to tempt a pious priest. They were quite frustrated and said to him:
“Oh Master, this one is truly a holy man. We have offered him great riches, joys of the flesh, and even dominion over the world, yet he will not yield. Oh what shall we do, Great Master?”
And the devil responded “Your methods are too crude and will not work on this one. Stand back, observe and learn.”
And the devil approached the priest, bent forward and whispered in his ear. Without delay the priest ripped his crucifix from his neck, his face red with rage, and he cursed his God with all his might and with all the vocabulary he could muster.
The demons were astonished and curious: “You are truly the Master of Temptation, but tell us, what did you say to him that would be so effective?”
And the devil responded: “Simple. All I said to him was: “Your brother just was made bishop of Alexandria.” ””

anartist's avatar

@raginingloli very funny and that envious priest haha

anartist's avatar

Another:
He knows where the rocks are.

janbb's avatar

@anartist No. A Jewish man is stranded on a desert island. After many years, he is found. When they find him, he has built two small synagogues on the island. They ask him why.

janbb's avatar

And:

Who you callin’ “Kimosabe”, White Boy? (This one almost needs no explanation.)

gailcalled's avatar

^^^^ True, If you’re between 55 and dead.

anartist's avatar

better than calling him wasabe.

Want the joke to “He knows where the rocks are.”?

gailcalled's avatar

I alraady know it so won’t ruin everyone else’s fun.

Another version of that punch line is, ” Goyisher kop,walk on the rocks.”

Here’s my all-time favorite, a bilingual pun.

Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?” (Or, if we’re really showing off, ”מה נשתנה, הלילה הזה
מכל הלילות.” Remember to read from right to left to get the joke.

ragingloli's avatar

what is up with the moonspeak?

anartist's avatar

@gailcalled oh yeh, forget he was Jewish. The Yiddish adds a nice texture to the joke . . .

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