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XOIIO's avatar

How the "Insert your profanity here" can I forget my past already?

Asked by XOIIO (16248 points ) November 14th, 2012

Alright, so my pathetically shitty brain is still torturing me months after something is over, this is where having a great memory fucks with you. Basically a relationship that didn’t work out and I have no clue why, but I had strong feelings for her and obviously it wasn’t vice verca, and after all the time (and money I spent) t just ended, ok whatever I’ll move on.

The only problem is that whenever I even think of a relationship, or watch movies that have some crappy relationship part in it or anything relating to relationships, my mind snaps back to what happened. I remember the good parts and how I felt and then reality comes and slaps me in the face and I feel like shit and can’t get it out of my mind.

I know that finding someone else would help, sure, but I have to face facts. I’m 18, not attractive at all, don’t even have my own place yet, currently out of a job, and any sort of job I am interested in I wouldn’t meet any women, not to say that I would even have a chance, so what the fuck do I do? I mean fuck sakes I’ve had two relationships in my life (but I don’t eve really fucking count the second bullshit one), gotten laid once, and that’s by some freak of nature accident where someone was interested in me. I’ve tried damn near everything I can think of, this just drives me crazy and depresses me and I’m at a dead end.

Fuck, that first relationship was probably the jackpot, but I figured someone like me would be dropped off when better prospects came around, turns out that that probably wouln’t have happened, so in a relationship where I stand a chance I can’t think about anything but the fact that I’ll probably get dumped for someone more attractive, and in a relationship where I finally don’t thinka bout that it goes to shit for some reason.

Fuck I wish I could just get a lobotomy or something of the like to get rid of my fucking emotions.

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9 Answers

CWOTUS's avatar

It’s not wise or healthy or even safe to “forget”. The important thing is to take the lesson, to forgive others – and yourself! – and to make peace with your past as you face the ever-present.

If you’re trying to face the present with these mental pictures in front of you from the past, then you haven’t managed to do that yet. That’s why counseling can be so helpful, because just being able to discuss the events – and particularly your feelings about those events that keep you locked into them – can remove a lot of the emotional charge that keeps you in the past. “Talking it out” is generally a lot more effective than “writing it out”, although some writers have managed to do that, too.

In fact, I’d guess that most of the best fiction writers have managed that at least to some degree. But talking with a trusted confidante, that can help nearly anyone who can speak. And if that confidante has some training to help guide you with questions (not answers!) so that you can find your own answers, and when you’ve paid for solid blocks of time in which to accomplish that, and you’re doing it face to face… magic happens, or can happen.

bookish1's avatar

Stop punishing yourself, man. You don’t have to stop all at once. Every time you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself like “I deserved this,” try to follow it up by saying “No I didn’t, shit just happens, and I will be OK.” Seriously. You can re-program yourself.

Or write down all of these negative thoughts on a piece of paper and throw it away, or tear it up, or burn it. Give yourself permission to express these thoughts but DO NOT GIVE THEM ANY POWER.

Finding someone else doesn’t help you forget someone you miss, or who has hurt you. It just sets you up to be a great serial monogamist. Take it from someone who once did that, for years. What you should be doing right now is taking care of yourself. Don’t even worry about finding another relationship right now. That will happen when you are in a better place.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Your still really young man, relax. I’ve been in some really fucking shitty relationships when I was your age. The natural reaction I think, for me at least, is to say “yea I just want to forget about it” but really you don’t. I’m actually happy I was in such a craptastic relationship. I learned a lot from it and it helped me with future relationships in teaching me what I wanted out of a relationship and what to avoid.

As per the whole ” not attractive at all, don’t even have my own place yet, currently out of a job, and any sort of job I am interested in I wouldn’t meet any women, not to say that I would even have a chance, so what the fuck do I do?” Again, relax man, you’re young. You’ll find that someone for you when the time is right, no need to rush things. If you think this negatively about yourself though, how can you expect others to think highly of you? You need to just be confident in who you are. Attraction isn’t only on pheonotypical traits, your brain is what really matters. (at least to people worth being with)

I’ll let ya in on a secret, getting a girl isn’t about looking good or things like that, all you really have to do is make her laugh and feel comfortable around you.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

They call it your past because it’s behind you. All it can kiss is your ass, so let it go. Just learn from it, so even if it was bad, you take something positive away from it so you don’t repeat your mistakes.

marinelife's avatar

Concentrate on the positives” in your life and in yourself.

Stop telling yourself how unattractive you are. Instead work on making yourself as attractive as you can be.

Work out or get exercise. It will raise you endorphin levels.

If you have identified a path to having a relationship: getting a job, moving out, work on achieving those things.

Don’t obsess about the ending while you are in a relationship. Just go into with the idea of enjoying the present.

You’re only 18. Life is yours. Live it to the fullest. It is not just about relationships. Set goals for yourself and achieve them, Make friends and enjoy your time with them. Relationships will come.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@XOIIO
Your current thought process is typical for your age and brain type. Because of your diagnosis, this will always be an issue for you. You will have a difficult time seeing the positive in life, in your relationships, at work….You have to work diligently at self-awareness & self-acceptance. Neither are easy to accomplish alone.

I highly suggest you begin getting support from ‘like’ adults. I don’t recall where you live, but many adults with ASD are now mentoring young people with ASD. Contact your local Autism Society, or on Facebook, like them, like ThAutCast, Asperger’s Awareness Community & Karla’s ASD page. All offer precisely the type of support & understanding you need.

If you haven’t already read Jesse Saperstein’s book Atypical: Life With Asperger’s in 20⅓ Chapters Or John Elder Robison’s book Be Different, I highly recommend both, and while you’re at it, like/befriend them on Facebook.

You need to do everything in your power to gain acceptance of your brain type. Until you accept yourself, life is going to feel difficult.

mazingerz88's avatar

Wish I could give you a mantra that you could just recite and magically make you feel your best each time you say it. I’m 44 and I need such a mantra myself. I actually used quite a few through the years. They change from time to time. Right now it’s, life is more of a privilege rather than a right. You got to protect your life and that includes your physical and mental well being.

This is also so cliche, the saying, You can’t love someone else unless you learn how to love yourself. But it rings true. Sure, everybody needs a friend, a family, an inspiration, a lover. But I believe whether we have them or not, we should feel complete anyways. By ourselves.

Maybe that’s why you can’t stop thinking and feel unhappy having those thoughts. You feel and think you are lacking something. And you are right. That’s how you feel. It’s real. But chances are you are causing yourself more harm than good and I don’t think you deserve that.

You will have other realizations in life, other experiences, a chance to feel better, a chance to get hurt again ( hey welcome to Earth )...all in all, a roller coaster ride. Why jump out when the rollercoaster is still flying up and down the tracks? Stay in. Stay with us. Those of us who feel miserable are legion. We don’t know each other but I’m pretty sure we want others to rise above the difficulties, survive, be happy. Even if those things do NOT happen and we fail. Tough. Very tough, I know.

I went through the same experiences as you. I’d like to think I was able to cope because of events that maybe were unique to me. A relationship broke down in my mid-20’s. For two years I was a nut case. That ended when I realized I’m wasting my energy focusing on myself. Decided to spend that energy helping other people. I promised I’ll get back to my own miseries soon. And I did. But I interrupted it with positive activities which benefited other people.

Eventually, my own pain became less and less. Until it’s gone. But the clincher was my Dad. After that moment with my Dad, my system purged all of my remaining crap right then and there. We haven’t seen each other for a year and after arriving from overseas, he saw me and how awful I looked physically and cried.

That devastated me. My own Dad shedding tears, sharing my misery, suffering with me. I decided enough. I’m not going to infect people I love with my crap. Enough of me.

Judi's avatar

Most women won’t admit this, but the older you get the less appearance matters.
Get your personal act together. Become a healthy productive member of society and they will come flocking. you’re only 18 for goodness sake. I know it feels like forever, but trust this old woman, life is just beginning.

YARNLADY's avatar

Just make a pledge to yourself from now on you will be happy every single day for the rest of your life. Then do it.

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