Social Question

AGirl's avatar

Is this hopeless?

Asked by AGirl (20 points ) December 20th, 2012

I met this guy in a party a few months ago and we immediately clicked. We texted back and forth a few weeks, always planning to meet again but he kept cancelling. When I confronted him about it on facebook he confessed he was scared. We had both come out of serious relationships recently, but he was going through more serious stuff: he had a history of being morbidly obese and was currently battling both with his weight and clinical depression, his business had gone down recently and he said that there was no point in starting something with me, since I’m not the kind of girl who ends up with guys like him anyway (I’m a model and dancer, had never dated big men before but was completely taken by this guy). I texted everything I could think of to convince him to come and see me, and that we could at least be good friends but he wouldn’t budge, so I gave up.

A month after this he texted me again and we met for a drink. He said he had sorted out a few things and he was in a better place then. There was immediate chemistry between us and within the week we spent a great night together.

Before we could meet again there was a tragedy in his family. He completely flipped out and disappeared again without explanation. I was worried about him, but waited for a couple of weeks then texted him again, first offering support, which he ignored, then saying that I missed him but there was no pressure and I’d wait until he felt like dating again if he wanted. He answered saying that he was not feeling great, that he just wanted to spend time and have fun with his friends now and was not looking for a relationship any more.

While I understand his position, I’m really hurt that he doesn’t want to see me again. I’m torn between thinking he’s a bastard and hoping that a few weeks from now, when his head clears and he has worked out his feelings, he will be in touch again. Am I kidding myself? He occasionally makes a short comment on things I post on facebook but never engages in conversation. I’m really into this guy. Should I wait for him or should I make an effort to move on?

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13 Answers

elbanditoroso's avatar

Move on. If he had given you even one word of encouragement, then my answer might be different. But it seems like the signals he is sending point in one single direction. And they aren’t pointing your way.

It’s tough, but I think it’s reality.

wundayatta's avatar

I can’t tell you if you should move on. I can tell you this is common when people have depression. The guy is working on a lot of issues. He has powerful negative feelings about himself. He may not believe he is lovable. He is sure you will dump him at some point and wants to save himself the horrible disappointment of when that happens.

The horrible problem is that he will make you dump him if he doesn’t do it first. He will be too insecure to trust your love.

Now having said that, I feel for him. He deserves to be loved. But I don’t know if he can come to believe you are for real. He probably wants you to be for real, beneath all his insecurities that make him push you away. But can he trust you? He has to test you and test you really hard. Harder than you’ve ever been tested. You’ll have to be there for him through a lot of pushing away. He may even verbally attack you. Get really angry.

If you want him, then you have to have faith that underneath all that, he wants you. He wants you so badly that he can’t let himself have a chance at you, because if he loses you, it will kill him.

You may have his life in your hands. If he’s worth it, you can keep on trying to be there for him throughout all the testing he will put you through. If you win in the end, you will not find a more loyal and wonderful person. Although he will have problems with depression throughout his life, most likely. It will be up and down, and you will never know for sure if things are stable.

You know, I feel for the guy, and on his behalf, I wish you would stick it out with him. But I’m being honest when I tell you this, because you need to know what you could be getting into. People who are depressed (and I’m one of them) can act in really incomprehensible ways. We seem to act against our own best interests. We do it because we think we are looking at our wellbeing for the long term. We are catastrophists. We simply cannot see ourselves winning in the long run.

But if there is a woman who sees me as worth it, and she’ll pass my tests, then maybe I can believe.

Maybe he will, too. Yet, I can’t advise you to do it. He has to be really worth it. You have to see so much in him that you will fight through a war to get him to understand you want him.

If you do decide to try to win him, you should tell him that you won’t be going away. You won’t stalk him, but you will be there because he is worth it. Then stick around as he tries to make you go away. At some point, you’ll realize you are ready to quit. This is the key point. If you stick it out, he will cave and give in to you. But if you want to quit too soon, and can’t quite stick it out, you lose what you were fighting for.

It’s really hard. Or it can be really hard. I’m presenting a worst case scenario. It might be easier than this. I don’t think I would put up with this. I would tell anyone who was going to put up with my shit not to. But then, I would do that, wouldn’t I, since in depression, I am convinced I’m not worth it.

Hope that helps you understand what you could be up against, and what you must be prepared for if you decide he is worth it.

Coloma's avatar

Clearly the guy has a lot on his plate and if he is depressed, well, depression is depressing and includes lack of drive and motivation and unstable moods. This is NOT PERSONAL, you need to understand that you are expecting something from someone that is INCAPABLE of delivering. All you can do is let him know you are available if he needs support, but, otherwise you must drop any and all expectations. Expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people makes you unhealthy as well.

marinelife's avatar

You are kidding yourself. The guy is not that into you.

Walk away now. Unfriend him on Facebook so you don’t see his posts.

burntbonez's avatar

It’s not hopeless, but it is very difficult. Do you like lost causes?

LuckyGuy's avatar

You wrote: “he had a history of being morbidly obese and was currently battling both with his weight and clinical depression, his business had gone down recently and he said that there was no point in starting something with me…”

Please, why you are even asking this question?

KNOWITALL's avatar

It sounds like he’s either A) not into you, B) has too much going on to care about you, or C) doesn’t believe you’re serious for whatever reason.

Either way, a relationship takes two people. I would message him one last time and be honest about the chemistry, etc…then move on with your life. If his comments on fb bother you, de-friend him and move on. Life’s too short sister.

Shippy's avatar

Some people are worth fighting for. If you have the energy to do so. He is depressed, being depressed is a rocky ride. If you want to? fight for him. Someone fought for me. Nine years has gone by. I love him more than anyone on this planet.

Aster's avatar

Even dating a man with all these problems will frustrate you to no end. I did it once; a mistake. I feel sorry for him but I think you should forget about him. Then, eventually, he may come to you like gangbusters right after you’ve found someone else.

Dsg's avatar

I understand how you feel when you say that you had a strong connection. Its tough to let go of something that feels so right. I felt a strong connection and synch with someone and I had to let him go. He wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I wanted. I know how you feel in that you are probably wondering if you will ever feel that with someone else again. If he isn’t there for you through texting and phone calls, then you need to let him go. If its meant to be, he’ll come back to you. In the meantime, you need to be strong and take care of yourself. Get back out there and start dating again and do things that make you feel good about yourself. You deserve to be happy!

AGirl's avatar

Thank you all so much for your answers. You all gave me a lot of food for thought.
I know it can be that he’s not really that into me but there’s also a tiny chance it is as wundayatta explained (amazing psychological insight, btw).

I feel I have told him how much I like him enough for him to be in no doubt of it by now. As we live in different cities and don’t move in the same circles I don’t know how to reiterate that without sounding stalkish (ideas welcome), so I’ll just let it rest for now.

As it’s been a month, I’ve decided that from New Year I’ll work on moving on for my own sake but will still keep the channel open for another couple of months in case he comes back. I know he is scared; if he’ll get over it eventually, well, that’s for time to tell.

For those of you thinking I’m being stupid, there are lots of complicating factors that I didn’t share, including the fact that I told him square that I didn’t “like him that way” when he asked for a date at the very beginning, but that I was keen on being friends. His honesty on how he felt about it, actually, made me change my mind and decide to give it a go.

I won’t de-friend him on FB because it would defeat the purpose: whatever happens, this is a truly amazing guy who I had the privilege of knowing and with whom I’d like to keep in touch.

Thanks again and feel free to post more thoughts on this, I’ll keep reading and answering for a good while.

Shippy's avatar

You have said your piece and told him you like him more than that way? Now be a friend to him. Just be there when he’s ready. Keep busy with others things too. You sound like a great person. He is lucky :)

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Odds are it is time to move on, he has gotten the “cookies” already so there is no urgency to by the carton anymore.

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