Social Question

burntbonez's avatar

Do you think your "love" life is over?

Asked by burntbonez (5194 points ) January 27th, 2013

I know a number of women around my age, both married and single, who believe that sex is something they will never have again. There are many reasons for this, I guess, but the one example I can talk about is a friend who thinks that she is no longer attractive to men, and even if she was, she wouldn’t be able to choose the right one.

I haven’t spoken to any men who say this, but I’m sure there must be some who feel this way, too. And I have to wonder about myself. It has been some years now for me, and I am getting more set in my ways, and I am beginning to wonder if I just don’t have what it takes that way to make that kind of connection again.

If you think your sex life is over or might be over, why is that?

If you are over the age of 60 and you don’t think it is over, why not?

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50 Answers

bookish1's avatar

I certainly do not think mine is over. But I got so damn spoiled over the summer and my standards are so high now…It’s frustrating and sometimes dispiriting to finally feel comfortable in my body and realize that my prospects for connection and intimacy are very slim now. I feel like it might be a long time before I again have the opportunity for good sex, with someone I truly care about. I will certainly never take it for granted.

zenvelo's avatar

Given the difficulties I’ve had finding a partner the last few years, it has been a concern. I am 57, and my invisibility factor seems to increase every time I turn around.

marinelife's avatar

Because I have sex regularly.

mrentropy's avatar

I’m certain mine is over. The reasons are too numerous to list. Let’s just say that I’m settling into the idea of being alone for the rest of my life and unless prostitution is legalized sex will be just a distant memory.

Coloma's avatar

I just turned 53 and yes, I can say my sex drive is pretty low these days 4 years out of the hormone zone.
Men-0-pause you know. lol
I am not dating, haven’t much the last few years, am content, and far more concerned about staying afloat in this economy over whether or not I ever have sex again.
Lowest priority for me.

Besides, I have turbo jets in the hot tub, excellent substitute and no attention needed other than the flip of a switch. I have a hot date with the turbo jets once or twice a month in the moonlight, it’s a good low maintenance arrangement. haha

Mama_Cakes's avatar

No. Because I have sex.

ucme's avatar

Not for nothing am I known as Sir Fuckalot.

Unbroken's avatar

I answered this once and I just so happen to think it was a brillaint answer but the question went to editing.

Damn editing.

People’s opinions often become self fulfilling prophecies.

If people have a not available fence around them for whatever reason it usually or almost always is a respected.

There are times I don that boundary. During times of strong physical sickness. When I feel vulnerable mentally physically or otherwise. It is amazing how it works.

But I never want to last forever. And as far as physicality and attractiveness. We all have seen enough ugly happy couples for that propaganda to be called out to be scandalously fallacious. Self confidence is key.

As to picking the wrong people a little analyzation and some research both field and otherwise and it becomes clear it is a choice. One that can be remade hence the result can be changed. Key is to make a different decision, break the whole cycle.

Ok easier said then done. But it looks good on paper.

BTW: My previous answer was better.

Unbroken's avatar

@Coloma btw hot tub jets moonlight and lightly drifting snow are wonderful.

I was always became hyper aware of my not so close but within sight neighbors…. maybe a few fantasies regarding the subject to lather things up a notch.

Coloma's avatar

@rosehips
Yes, and rain too!
My hot tub is on a little cliff that overlooks my neighbors property, just dense oak studded woods but I can see part of the backside of their barn through the trees.
I also have 3 huge, strategically placed exotic grasses in giant urns that span out about 4 feet across. I am covered, only the hooved neigh-bors and 3 sheep can spy on me. lol

Yeahright's avatar

Mostly what @Coloma said—except that I don’t have a hot tub. I’m 52 and my sex drive is also pretty low. I really don’t long for it but it would be nice to have a partner in my life. My approach to sex has always been through some kind of feeling and not only for the physical attraction. Actually, it’s a combination of things, but I definitely couldn’t have sex just for the sake of it. I know for a fact that I am attractive but I am not flirty and do nothing to meet guys. But, I’m working on trying to change my routine a bit hoping that would give me the chance of meeting a nice guy to date. So, it really is hard to tell whether it’s over or not. I guess not. Time will tell.

susanc's avatar

This is stunning. Thank you for bringing this up, @burntbonez. I’ve been a little isolated with this question. I’m about to be 70 and have been widowed for about five years. I was furious for awhile because I thought losing my husband so young was unfair. (My husband thought it was pretty unfair too.) Then I fell in love with someone much too young. He didn’t fall in love back, or to the extent that he did, he was too conventional to make a definitive move, and I blamed my body, which is actually quite nice, but that wasn’t the real issue. The real issue was what @rosehips said above, “If people have a not available fence around them for whatever reason it usually or almost always is a respected.” That was very kindly written. So then I tried finding someone via the internet. What a wakeup! These poor fucking old bastards think that just because they’re attached to a sad old dick, some poor sad old woman is going to come make them dinner and tuck them into clean sheets at night. Not this one. Like @coloma, I have my own technologies, and they’re great. It’s the cuddly thing, the someone thinking you’re lovable thing – those things are missing. I’m a loved person, but not that kind of loved. Thank god for the cat.
And when I talk with my friends who are in their 30’s, I see them getting laid by someone new every couple of months and I think “EW! EW!” and then I remembered I did that when I was their age
and it was ordinary. But now I don’t want that. Especially when my options are mostly limited to the sad old dudes mentioned above.
So. Is it “over”? I’m not. I have a strong body with plenty of energy, including sexual energy. But the pool is drying up; and the culture doesn’t appear to offer good opportunities. I’m snotty now;
I want someone who’s good to have conversations with as well as physical fun. Asking too much. Okay then. Back to the painting studio.

gondwanalon's avatar

I’m 62 and have no problems performing my husbandly duties as often as my wife (also 62) is ready which is about once a week. She loves to be “wined and dined” and be given leg messages in order to get in the mood. But I’m capable of functioning much more frequently anytime at a moment’s notice. I think that a big reason that we are still able to enjoy a love life is due to in part that we are physically fit, very active and healthy.

In my opinion a healthy love life at any age requires a strong healthy body.

I see so many people in their 50’s and 60’s that are way over weight, out of physical shape and very weak. They also suffer with other health problems mainly type 2 diabetes. This so sad to see. Some of these people are unlucky victims of an unforgiving and unfair world. However for most of these poor folks it took many years of self abuse in order to get in such poor shape. Abuse such as lack of physical exercise, poor diet and too much tobacco, alcohol and or other recreational drugs.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

No, I have an active sex life. I hope to have an active sex life for many more decades.

janbb's avatar

No – I think it may be just beginning again.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Nah, but it is on a hiatus while I battle mysterious gynecological issues.

Linda_Owl's avatar

Well, I am now 67 years old & I have been married three times. Two of my husbands died & I divorced the the other one. I have been alone since 1999. I have ‘dated’ on occasion (in past years), but I have settled into being by myself. It would be difficult to adapt to living with someone, but I do (sometimes) get lonely. I keep myself busy with my art work (I am an artist) & I do a lot of reading. Since I am so close to being 70 years old, I think I must resign myself to being alone.

SABOTEUR's avatar

Yeah, mine is pretty much over. Wasn’t that great to begin with. Went downhill after I got married the second time and it’s damn near nonexistent today.

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ETpro's avatar

I’m nearing 70 as well. Married, but it’s been a loveless one for decades now. I still feel the fire, but she doesn’t. And the likelihood of finding someone new should I even ever be back on the market seems pretty remote to me. So I’m resigned to just relying on sweet old Rosy Palm and her five little sisters. And at this stage of my life, I’m OK with that.

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Unbroken's avatar

@SABOTEUR and @ETpro never resign and never give up! The death of sex is always waiting rebirth.

ETpro's avatar

@rosehips Give up? Never. But I am being realistic about my chances at more then self gratification.

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susanc's avatar

@ETpro, I think we should talk.

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ETpro's avatar

@redellbabymomma Thanks. Warms an old man’s heart.

@susanc My wife’s not loving any longer, but she is still living and as far as I’m concerned, I meant the commitment I made to her all those decades ago, “for better or for worse.” So for now, I’m off the market.

Unbroken's avatar

Ah the way I envision proper marriages. Maybe that is why I am not married.

Well good luck to you sir.

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burntbonez's avatar

It is heartening to hear these sad stories. Misery loves company, I guess. It’s been a few years for me, and I’m beginning to think that there will never be another time. So many of us are resigned. But it also makes me angry at the kind of injustice. How many men and women are out there in their 50s, 60s and 70s, still wanting someone; still wanting a relationship; still interested in sex, but because they don’t have a relationship, or they are involved in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t want sex any more, they can’t scratch that particular itch. Worse, they think they will never again scratch that itch.

I can’t even imagine meeting someone in real life. It’s gotten so I don’t go out any more. The idea of dating overwhelms me. Probly should see a shrink or something. I am reluctant to really try to connect with people any more on anything but a fairly shallow level. Ironic. My father was a philanderer. Sometimes I’m afraid I would be like him. Sometimes I’d be joyous to be like him. But the family name ends with me, so it’s fitting that my useless member should be retired long before I am.

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susanc's avatar

@ETpro: I was kidding. But it was nice to read what you wrote. My utterly fabulous husband and I (for the record, since this is Fluther and the purpose of community is to educate ourselves) also had a sexually quiet bunch of years as we got older and found ourselves more fascinated by other aspects of each other. But it was nice that we always found each other fairly charming. And one thing we found charming was that even if other people appealed to each of us, and even if other people found us charming, we didn’t step outside the marriage. It was good. Cheers, and never turn away any sincere appreciation.
@redellbabymomma: I’ll be 70 in May. It seems impossible. But then I take a look in the mirror. What is my mother doing in there?!?!

Yeahright's avatar

@burntbonez I don’t know what sad stories you’re talking about. It’s called life. Circumstances in life lead to different outcomes. None of the stories here indicate that the people are desperate or depressed because of that. Sex and romantic love are very important parts of life, but are not the only parts of life that make a person happy. People who have sex in their lives are not necessarily happy. Sex, love, and relationships go hand in hand. You can have any combination of them or none at all.

ETpro's avatar

@redellbabymomma Thanks. I’ll be 69 (banner year, and last chance at being a sexigenarian) in March, so dating 40 year olds may make sense at your age, but no need to seek out the geriatric set yet. :-)

@susanc Your story is equally heartwarming to me, and perfectly understandable.

@Yeahright You’re right. I don’t feel the least bit cheated. I have lived an incredibly full like. I may have regrets, but I have some mountaintop experiences to look back on as well. If I were widowed now, I would feel no driving compulsion to hook up with another mate. I have 2 surviving kids, 11 grandchildren and 3 great grand children to keep me occupied. I have tons of interests, a book to write, and a library full of books to real. I have a career developing ecommerce websites, and that requires constant learning.

I can write a fantasy of a sexual/emotional relationship I’d like to explore. But I certainly don’t need that to happen to feel complete.

Sunny2's avatar

Hope springs eternal. I’m not dead yet.

Shippy's avatar

I’m not over sixty, but I think human sexuality is something that is within us till we drop dead. It may change pace due to life circumstances or choices. But it is always there and never over. I personally feel one needs to know what rock your boat, so to speak. Then it is never over. I have seen elderly people in old age homes as horny as rattlesnakes.

You have to stroke the inner God/Goddess.

P.S. Never think sex has an age restriction in reverse.

ETpro's avatar

@Shippy I still need to get off about as often as I did in my prime. Fail to do that, and my mind starts to get so clouded with salacious thoughts that there is not room for other thinking. I don’t know when it ends, but I can assure you all I’m in no hurry to find out.

SABOTEUR's avatar

Ditto everything @ETpro said.

SABOTEUR's avatar

@rosehips Thanks for the kind sentiment, but I doubt any “rebirth” will be occurring in this…eh…relationship in this lifetime. I’m ok with it though. Like @ETpro, I’ve found “alternative methods of release”.

mattbrowne's avatar

Companionate love can last a lifetime.

mrentropy's avatar

I may have spoken a wee bit prematurely.

burntbonez's avatar

That sounds promising, @mrentropy. Do you have a relationship in utero? Or have you already proceeded to fifty shades of intimacy?

Coloma's avatar

^^^ Well lets hope he hasn’t already tattooed her name all over his face. lol

burntbonez's avatar

Gee, I thought you’d never ask. Did I mention I was dying to tattoo your name on my face, @Coloma?

Ok. Not really. I don’t believe in tattoos. But henna? You bet!

Coloma's avatar

@burntbonez Invisible ink maybe? lol

burntbonez's avatar

@Coloma Now you’re talking!

And such a cheap date, too! Love it!

Coloma's avatar

@burntbonez Okay…you can paint my wagon with water. lol

mrentropy's avatar

Evidently I’ve gone from having nobody to being in a full-fledged relationship in just under a week. Given my past history I’d say this is a scary and typical development. It does seem, though, that I’m worth something to someone and I’m having a great time spoiling her.

Coloma's avatar

@mrentropy In-JOY! :-) Let her spoil you too. Two spoilers can’t go wrong.

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