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Hawaii_Jake's avatar

[Possibly NSFW] What part of your life does lust occupy?

Asked by Hawaii_Jake (25799 points ) February 4th, 2013

I’m asking this in the General Section, because it’s a serious question. I’m looking for real, honest experience and information.

The question is for all users.

I’m currently sort of single. Well, I’m in a long distance semi-relationship. I don’t know what the hell it is. I have a friend. We began getting to know each other with the intention of developing a romantic relationship, but while we’ve met regularly, the distance has kept the romance to nil.

So, I’m naturally horny at times. I can take care of the immediate need, but I can’t fill the void left by the lack of intimacy.

Have you ever had this predicament? How did you go about fulfilling your physical and emotional needs?

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27 Answers

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Lust occupies a very small portion of my life. I very rarely feel lust as anything more than a transitory thing. Occasionally I will see someone flash some leg who is in great shape, and I will feel a twinge.

I am a whore for validation. When I meet a woman smarter or more sophisticated than me, I want to have sex with her so bad it burns. I often wonder how often people get these two very different emotions confused.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

Not much, I haven’t had sex in years, not because i’m incapable but because lust does not occupy a significant portion (my urges subside with manual relief) Now this isn’t the same for everyone so I can understand your desire.

bookish1's avatar

Quite a large portion. I’ve been very sexual for a long time, but I also began male adolescence a few years ago.

I’ve been taking a break from pursuing relationships, because I have done nothing but that since the age of 14 and I realized I needed to learn to be OK on my own. In addition to this bit of self-work, I am still painfully in love with a friend (separated by circumstances and an ocean), and I feel like I would be cheating someone else if I began an emotional entanglement while I have such strong feelings for someone else. But I get very lonely for emotional as well as physical intimacy. Sometimes I just burn for touch. I’ll count the number of times I have gotten a hug or shaken someone’s hand in a week.

I don’t really know how to deal. I’ve been trying to distract myself. I devote lots of energy to my work, and I hang out with friends in person or on the phone when I have time. It’s frustrating to finally feel comfortable with my body and how I look, and not be able to share emotional and physical intimacy with someone worthwhile. I’ve tried having casual relations with people in the past year, but it’s hard to find decent partners even for casual intimacy, who are not hooking up with you for all the wrong reasons, when you are a gay trans guy.

Back to the books now.

rojo's avatar

I have been in love.
I love my wife and kids.
I cannot recall the last time I was in lust
but I am sure it was at least a decade ago.

wundayatta's avatar

Lack of intimacy? Lust? Physical and emotional needs? What are we talking about? @Imadethisupwithnoforethought thinks lust is a transitory thing. On the other hand he want sex so bad it burns. Yet he can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t get that sex and lust are two different things. He categorizes them both as emotions. Sex is an emotion?

@HolographicUniverse thinks lust in necessary to motivate you to have sex. If he feels lust, he jerks off, and is fine. Apparently no need for connection with another human.

@bookish1 links lust with sexuality and sensuality. He links emotional and physical intimacy (Yay @bookish1). He is open for casual intimacy, but it seems not worth the trouble, since he can’t even find decent partners for that. Sounds like if he’s going to go through the effort to find someone for casual intimacy, he might as well put that effort into finding someone serious.

I despair of ever knowing what anyone is talking about. It’s worse than talking about God.

I think physical intimacy is crucial for life. I would die without it. I would kill myself. When I get existentially lonely, I get depressed. And when I get depressed, there is only one thing that can bring me back from the brink of self-destruction, and that is the most intense connection with another person possible. That means love. And that means love sealed with physical intimacy.

Frankly, I don’t think it’s possible to experience love without some form of appropriate physical intimacy. Different loves require different forms of intimacy. Love for children and parents and siblings and friends requires hugs and kisses. Love for a lover requires love making.

Lust is a sign that you are interested in a person, and not just for their body. A lot of people want to separate out lust and sex from deeper emotions, but I think that is a mistake. I think people are misleading themselves when they try to do that. I think there are a variety of reasons why they might think it is a good idea, but that’s for another conversation.

Lust is a start. It’s a kick towards someone. If you find the person receptive, then you move on and get to know each other. Sometimes it results in physical intimacy and sometimes not.

But lust is that impulse towards intimacy, and we should not shy away from it. We should understand if for what it is: our body’s way of telling us we need something important. That doesn’t mean you have sex with the first person who responds. You still have to go through the getting to know you process. You need to find someone you can have a real connection with.

If you skip the depth and head purely for physical satisfaction, you will not be giving yourself what you really crave: intimacy. A lot of people think they can just get their rocks off and no harm done. I disagree. I think that lust is the impulse towards intimacy, not rock offing. It should be taken seriously, because if you don’t connect, you will get lonely. Some people can die from that loneliness, although I think most will do all right. A person like me can die, though.

For me, lust is the canary in the coal mine. It says I need connection. Fortunately, I have places I can go where I can get those connections in a safe way—ways that won’t threaten my marriage, for example. Without that, I think I’d probably be divorced ten times over, because one connection is not enough for me. I need intimacy with several people. I need to be known. I need to be loved. And as long as I am getting enough physical intimacy with one person, I can love others without physical intimacy. But if I don’t get the intimacy I need, I have to get it elsewhere or I’m pretty sure I’ll get depressed enough to harm myself.

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Unbroken's avatar

For physical intimacy I work with people who are really truly lonely. There are some I connect with and a hug a shoulder stroke or quick rub on the back and their faces glow. I also have a cat.

I can relate to what @bookish1 was saying. Where there have been times it surprised me so much in a pleasant way when I was touched just because It hadn’t happened in so long. Or because I felt something other then just randiness or politeness in it. Like a warmth genuine reaching out.

For the physical I flirt, I go out and get validated. Bars, I play dd and that gives me an excuse not to drink, grocery stores coffee shops where ever.

Of course I am usually not interested in pursuing things further. But it is nice to know I still got something.

And creative masturbation. Various methods and toys and aids. Eventually they will lose their thrill but you find something to take the place.

Good luck with your relationship.

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Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@wundayatta wrote, “But lust is that impulse towards intimacy, and we should not shy away from it.” I applaud that. Truly. I’m finding lust to be the opening to deeper things in my instance.

@bookish1 said it beautifully. Thank you. Touch is so important.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought : I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at. Do I come across as seeking validation rather than ultimately intimacy?

@rojo : I’m glad you’ve found the right one for you.

@rosehips : Yes, creative masturbation is essential in my situation.

burntbonez's avatar

Lots of lust. No action. No intimacy. No relationships for a long time. It is what it is. I let myself be with the frustration, not fighting it, nor doing anything about it. Maybe there will be a breakthrough some day, but until then, there’s fluther and many other things to do. I’m honestly not looking. I’m just learning to be calm. Which isn’t easy, but it better than letting this make me nuts.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake The component that care about whether the person wants to have sex with you is about validation. The component that makes you think about the other person when you are imaging sex is lust, in my view.

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Unbroken's avatar

@rojo Sorry I don’t track.

@Hawaii_Jake I am afraid I missed the point of the question initially.

Long distance relationship once we had an inexpensive method of keeping in contact with each other cellphone plan in this case but skype might be better. We had a time set for daily communication given our schedules and time difference. Though we were flexible. We at least tried to say hi and I miss you love you etc. Your call brightened my day but I am busy.

We emailed pictures. And articles we wanted to share would pick out books to read and discuss together though one of us was usually behind.

As far as lust well we spoke of dreams and tried were descriptive about our need for each other. It was discussed lewdly and throughly.

We sent each other little packages. Those flat rate containers are awesome. Just random personal things inside jokes something thoughtful. I did the spraying of perfume thing.

I asked him to send me an unwashed shirt or a pillowcase so I could smell him. He asked for.. well never mind you get the idea.

It wasn’t easy, but we did it for a couple of months. And it was something I never thought I would do.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@HolographicUniverse Who are you talking to?

@rosehips That sounds wonderful.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Sometimes lust takes me over and I let it – I think that’s fine…long distance things are very very difficult…if I am interested in that person, nothing short of actually sleeping with them and being with them will satisfy the need. I could masturbate till the cows come home but I will dream endlessly about sleeping with them. I don’t like to be in this position for long so one way or another, I will push for a meeting.

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Hawaii_Jake's avatar

What is love?
A perfect thirst. – Rumi

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KNOWITALL's avatar

@burntbonez I feel exactly the same way. :) Sometimes I just look/ talk at/ to good-looking people and wonder what it would be like to roll around with them.

wildpotato's avatar

Lust is a small, nearly nonexistent part of my life. I’m not sure what it feels like to be attracted, and there is rarely a time when I feel like it’s worth the bother to have sex. It’s fun and all – I am lucky enough to have a wonderfully talented, caring, and exciting partner – but ultimately it’s always been a meh feeling for me. I’ve identified as asexual for years now, and am comfortable with that. I find it easy to separate lust from intimacy, since I experience the former only weakly and the latter quite strongly. I guess I would identify as asexual but polyromantic, if we can say that’s a thing.

@wundayatta If you think that people who separate lust from deeper emotions mislead themselves, I am curious what your thoughts on this are regarding people like me, who simply don’t experience lust all that much.

wundayatta's avatar

@wildpotato I’m willing to speculate, but since I don’t know you personally, you mustn’t take it personally if I say anything that bothers you. This is pure speculation.

A theory about why someone wouldn’t experience lust.

The first thing that comes to mind is that they might be just an evolutionary mistake. Think about it. People who don’t experience lust won’t have much or any sex at all. Without sex, they can’t reproduce, and if they don’t reproduce, their genes won’t get passed on.

Now it sounds like you do have sex, so that means you can’t be entirely without a willingness to please your partner, even if you don’t want sex. I guess it sounds like you take one for the team, so to speak. But over time, I would expect this trait to become rarer and rarer in the population. People without lust will reproduce only for other reasons, and will probably reproduce more rarely. Sex just doesn’t feel good to them. It doesn’t motivate them.

It is possible that this feeling is not genetic, but it could be a form of PTSD. The person had a negative experience or set of experiences with lust, and it turned them off. They don’t like their sexual feelings and have learned to turn them off at will or completely suppress them.

If this is the cause, then therapy could potentially deal with the PTSD and unleash the underlying lust.

Let’s consider what kind of relationship an asexual person might prefer. Obviously, sex wouldn’t be a desirable part of it, so they would need to find someone who was happy without sex or who might be capable of making them comfortable or even feel a bit of desire on occasion. Enough, anyway, to be interested in making love every once in a while.

Otherwise, sex wouldn’t be a part of the relationship. They could certainly enjoy companionate love. It might involve some physical affection, possibly even sharing a bed, but who knows. It would really depend on the preferences of the asexual person.

When I have loved people like this, it has been extraordinarily frustrating. I never feel fully connected to them and never feel understood. Obviously, these relationships have not lasted. And these weren’t even with people who identified as asexual. Just people who didn’t desire me much, after a while. This is not to say they should desire me. Just that we grew apart, and once that aspect of the relationship was gone, I was in trouble.

Bellatrix's avatar

I think there is a difference between the physical need to get off (need), lust and intimacy. This is just my take on these three different feelings/needs.

I am drawing on when I was single here because I am in a long-term relationship where my sexual, lust and intimacy needs are met.

A. If I just feel horny because I haven’t had an orgasm for a day or so – I would masturbate. That would solve that problem.

B. Lust I would relate to the desire to sexually connect with another person. It might be someone who I found sexually attractive and who was available to me, in which case I might act on that need. Or it might be a person who for one reason or another was not available. In that case revert to A with fantasy about person as stimuli.

If I acted on the lust, the outcome might be things developed into a fuller relationship and so also fulfilled my intimacy needs. It might become an occasional relationship and we met up every now and were also friends and so partially met my intimacy needs. Or it was a very short-term thing that didn’t really go anywhere else.

C. I call that need for intimacy – skin hunger. It isn’t so much about the need for sex, although that’s always a good bonus. It’s more about the need for touch in a physical AND emotional sense. The need for someone to care about you enough to want to stroke you and snuggle and be with you. A touching that goes beyond scratching a sexual or lust driven itch.
This is harder to resolve. This comes from building a relationship with someone you trust. So you can be intimate in terms of sharing your feelings and not just your body.

I hope I answered your question @Hawaii_Jake. I agree with @wundayatta it’s quite a complicated topic and I think very individual.

mattbrowne's avatar

I consider lust for sex (also called libido) as normal and healthy as long as no feelings get hurt. Too little of can be a sign of too much stress (at work). Too much of it can be a sign of obsession, if it affects the normal functioning in life, for example neglecting important duties.

yankeetooter's avatar

I think my general thirst for affection and physical contact far surpass my occasional feelings of lust. There is one guy who gets me “hot and bothered”, but otherwise I am mostly in “survival mode” in my daily life…

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