Is it unreasonable to think spouse should be loved as much as child?

Maybe this is a bit off topic, but I see too many women willing to give up their children for their boyfriends. Their boyfriends can beat the crap out of their kids and the women don’t leave or report them. Their children should be number 1 in their lives.
As far as husband and wives, the kids should be number 1 in both their lives but they still should love each other. Sometimes though, life gets in the way.

@chyna yeah they suck but I’m talking about something different haha

Babies and young children demand a lot of attention, period. Common mistake that couples, especially moms make, neglecting their relationships in the early years of parenting.
However…that said…a LOT of men are extremely immature when they become fathers and feel jealous and resentful of what it takes out of a woman in those early years.
My ex was very narcissistic and needy and felt jealous and competitive about our daughter when she she was little.

It was like managing two babies, and he actually ADMITTED, years later, when I was on the cusp of divorcing him, for many reasons, that he had been jealous of my attentions to our daughter, as well as pets.
He actually said to me once when she was about 4, ” Yes, she’s cute, but what am I supposed to DO with her!”

Oh for fucks sake! lol

Many men cheat during their wives pregnancies and when the kids are small because they are immature, narcissistic weenies that cannot stand to have the attention they think they deserve be diluted by the realities of mothering.
Very common.

@Coloma maybe he can paint her nails?
I think we are hardwired to give a lot of attention to our children. They would be too exasperating otherwise. If we have only so much attention to give, and the spouse is not “hardwired to love” then he will quickly be marginalized.
Also the kind of “love” given to a baby is. besides feeding and cleaning, providing emotional support that a small child does not know how to provide for itself. At some point, a grown adult should now how to provide basic emotional self support.

Since you don’t have kids I assume you have no fucking clue of the time and energy needed to take care of a kid. (try twins)

How about this… If the dude wants some love and affection he needs to clean the bathroom and change a diaper.

@drhat77 Haha..well he did become interested when she was old enough to take electric guitar lessons, then he got to be the Led Zeppelin guru. Oh brother!

@chyna Bravo! Jeez…I could NEVER have whored around as mom…I was very invested in being a good mommy, and I was. I have a friend my age now whose 30 year old daughter is taking her 2 yr. old little girl over to spend the night with strange men she is sleeping with. Horrible!

http://blog.success.com/secret-to-a-happy-marriage/

Eh idk here’s an article I think is good.

I’m not saying just babies but all age ranges like teens too. I’m just saying its never good idea IMO to neglect your relationship or make anyone feel like they aren’t as important. Kind of like favorites where you shouldn’t make one child feel less loved than the other.

And some of you take it wrong. I’m not saying out husbands needs first if baby is hungry or needs diaper changed, yeesh.

@chelle21689 Young mothers don’t feel terribly “sexy” for awhile. The last thing most new moms want to do is get down on their knees and suck the the other babies bottle.

I’m not even talking about sex lol. Never mind this was a fail, I think my point was taken wrong

@chelle21689 I think I got your point but a young baby really takes a lot out of both parents, and there is only so much time and energy to give, so the spouse becomes the expendable personal attachement for a while. Its almost thermodynamics at that point.

I think it is wrong to equate the love of a child with the love of a spouse or partner. And it’s not a matter of choosing one or the other. The love for a small child is somewhat demanding, because a child can’t fully reciprocate. But the love of a partner is something that enhances both involved. It is something that grows for both and sustains both.

That’s a loaded question. It isn’t that black and white. There are many reasons for a relationship to deteriorate after children. A new parent, either the father or mother can feel an overwhelming obligation to put all their effort into raising the child and let their relationship be put on hold. Terrible choice because by the time the kid is grow, the relationship is dead.

Another reason can also be the way they each see their role. Some mothers feel all the responsibility falls on them and resent their partner. This may be true but I find that few are willing to work with their partner on getting them on board. Some have the attitude that it is better just to do it all themselves. But the resentment still builds. I have even seen it happen in reverse sometimes.

Another reason can also be that the man now sees his gorgeous wife as a gorgeous mother of his children. I think this has more of an affect on guys who have a healthy respect for their own mothers. When they see their wives take good care of their children than they are proud of their wife but at the same time they stop seeing them as the sexy woman they married. They have a new title in their hearts and mind, and sexy wife doesn’t ring a bell any more. She’s a MOM!

Either way, there is going to be a change. Usually the main point comes down to one parent being overzealous and wanting to be the perfect parent. Better than their own or nothing like their own parent. And the other person will be made to feel inadequate or they will also zealously try to perfect parenting. Either way you will have conflict and the child will always be in the center, but not the real reason for the parents relationship hitting the skids. There will always be something in your life that can make a relationship go off the rails if neither of the parties involved are watching the tracks.
Kids just make it easier for a bad relationship to deteriorate faster.

Oh, lastly, there is the relationship that start out because the baby was on the way. Most of those already started off on the wrong foot. Most times they didn’t marry for love of each other in the first place or were ill prepared to handle a new marriage and a new baby at the same time.

There are a lot more reasons but it really isn’t as simple as loving one person more than an other. It also has to do with a sense of responsibilities and priorities.
Only they forget, that the most responsible thing they can do as parents is ensure a healthy strong marriage exists; because one of the things children crave is a stable and secure home with two loving parents, who love each other as well.

@chelle21689 – My wife and I have a baby girl who turned 1 not too long ago. For what it’s worth, you’re not imagining things, it’s just hard to explain why it happens that way.

For me and us (other couples might be different) we had to completely rework how we related to each other. You have a new #1 priority in everything you do. It’s easy to say, and I thought I understood it before the baby came along, but it’s so much bigger than I realized.

Parts of it were easier than I expected (you get used to the nights and little sleep pretty quickly), parts were harder (it’s very near impossible to get any work done while watching a baby, and just multiply your normal estimated time by 3 or more. Really, I’m not being funny.)

The easiest way I can explain it is to line up everything you have going on in your life right now and then take away 4–12 hours a day that you have no control over any longer. What of your current priorities can you cut to make room? On days where I’m not the primary caretaker, I figure 4 hours, a little in the morning, dinner/bath/bed/cleanup at night. For days where I’m in charge, it’s 12 hours easily not counting time I can get things accomplished while she’s down for naps.

I think I’m a pretty efficient mofo, and it completely rocked my schedule, which is more flexible than most. I gave up exercising, visiting with friends just about disappeared and became quick “here’s the baby” sessions, I cut way back at work, my wife and I didn’t have more than 3 hours alone for at least 9 months, and there’s days where I don’t get a shower. All of those things were “important” before the baby.

After a few months me and my wife sat down and had a talk about what the really necessarily parts of our relationship were because we didn’t have time for it all. What makes us feel loved and connected? We try to get as many those done as possible, because they’re important, but it still takes a ton of understanding when they just don’t happen. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you run out of gas and options at the same time and no matter how important something is suddenly your eyes are closed on the couch. Sorry I didn’t do the dishes, beautiful, I meant to.

So if you can’t make it through all the slights (there will be slights) or if either party gives up on the other, then you’re going to go where you can find something to make you happy, and that new little person is truly magical. The smiles, new skills, snuggles, and accomplishments are a constant source of joy when they’re small. Every day is something new that they understand. It makes you feel good that you’re building something great. It makes you feel good that they love you and that you can provide for them. People can take pride in that relationship even when they’re not proud of the state of the relationship with their partner right then.

The baby needs less later and in a perfect world you rebuild anything that was lost then along with having this new member of the family.

Not complaining by any means, and my wife and I are good, just hoping to explain why one part of the family may seem “more loved” and how it gets to that point. There just isn’t time for everything, not even everything that’s important so your relationship has to adapt and that’s hard. Some may appear more successful at it than others, but I’m almost certain they all had trouble with it.

@funkdaddy Excellwnt sharing papa. :-)

I have been a parent and I disagree. The child should absolutely come first and that applies equally to the father as well as the mother.

I like your question. I think it is nice that you think the way you do. I don’t have children but i would hope I wouldn’t be one of those that pushed mt partner to the side, if I did. I would want to love him just as much, and that the time we had together would be made so much special.

It is also illegal.

But who said anything about just babies? I mean teens as well. Sorry for short response I’ll reply more later.

I think you mean the expression of love through affection. Thus, the question would be, “Is it unreasonable to think the spouse should receive the same amount of physical affection as the children?”

The answer is complicated. On one hand, you are raising the children to be emotionally secure which, in my opinion, requires a lot of physical affection. On the other hand, you need to nurture your marriage/relationship so that the framework for your family is strong and secure.

I would say that the amount of physical affection you give your children and your spouse are irrelevant to each other, as long as both are satisfied. The key is to know both your children and your spouse as individuals and be aware of how they receive love. Your child needs affection in the moment as necessary. Your spouse, as an adult, should be able to store acts of affection and love over time.

Both are needed. Both are important. The kids need immediate attention and affection. The spouse needs enough stored in their “bank” to get through until the next time you can connect and express affection.

@Cupcake great answer. My bf is not a very affectionate guy but if we had a kid and he showed the kid all attention and affection I would be upset that I never got any but the kid would. Lol