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jeremy0207's avatar

What can I do about this situation?

Asked by jeremy0207 (202 points ) March 1st, 2014

I spoke to my girlfriend about drinking, yes I have done it, only TWICE. Only because I was curious, and after that I have not touched a drop of alcohol. I told her I did not want her drinking, we spoke about it and she was fine with it. Right now I found out she took a shot of alcohol. When she told me this, my heart dropped, right now I am shaking. I have no idea why, but the problem is, she knows how I feel about drinking, I promised her I would not drink again and I spoke to her about not drinking and I’m sure she told me she would not do it. She thinks drinking and smoking is disgusting, so why even do it?! Yeah it’s only one shot, so should I be calm? Am I exaggerating? I have no idea what to do at this point. I am just upset that she did this, she is 19 years old by the way. I understand it’s fine for her to be curious, but why if you think it’s disgusting and because you told me you would not be drinking anytime soon. Should my trust in her, decrease, I am not sure how to put this, should my trust, which she has, be somewhat affected? How should I react? and am I exaggerating?

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9 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

You can control only your behavior, no matter how much you want your 19-year old to behave differenty. You listen to what she does and not what she says. Remind her that she is breaking the law, however.

You sound overwrought.

Is her having a drink a deal-breaker for you? If so, you tell her and then stick to your guns.

jeremy0207's avatar

I understand she is 19 and I have no control over her life what so ever, but it’s like.. honestly I’m just going to log off, then come back after I’m calm. This is all just too much for me right now.

syz's avatar

You don’t mention a history of drinking, binge drinking, or anything of that sort. Taking “a shot” seems like a tempest in a teapot to me.

If your issue with her is that she said she wouldn’t and then she did (essentially lying to you), then you need to decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. However, when I was younger and less comfortable with standing up for myself, I may have taken the easy road (“No, I would never”) and then done what I wanted to anyway if someone was being to overbearing and controlling.

jeremy0207's avatar

Yeah, thank you all for your answers. I thought about it for a moment, and I recognized that I am just overreacting. She is 19, I have no control of her life what so ever. All I want her is to be safe and only safe. If she wants to drink then I am letting her (of course she knows it’s against the law because she is only 19) but I am just going to tell her to please be careful and only hope for the best.

BosM's avatar

Your GF probably agreed to refrain from drinking because she cares for you and didn’t want to hurt you. I suggest you have a discussion with her about how important honesty is in a relationship and to you. Otherwise, as you’ve said, you cannot control her, but what you can do is support her and be a friend. Don’t take all this so personally, life is too short. Good luck.

Cruiser's avatar

Either lighten up and validate her desire to live her life the way she see’s fit or let her go.

CWOTUS's avatar

It seems to me that you extorted the promise from her. You can lecture, admonish, plead and demand whatever you want, but if you lose control and “can’t deal with” people doing other than what you expect, then you are the one with a problem here – aside from any “drinking problem” that she may have, which has yet to be proven.

If you look at the responses that we give to others in this forum (people who are in the same shoes as your girlfriend), you’ll find that we frequently if not always tell them to “run, don’t walk away” from those (generally men) who seek to control them as tightly as you seem to want to. The intentions or good wishes of their boyfriends and husbands don’t matter; it’s the fact that they seek tight control – and generally punish “misbehavior” either corporeally or emotionally – that is the problem, not the misbehavior itself, which is usually quite trivial, as it is in this case.

You need to loosen up. You.

It doesn’t matter how you feel about drinking or what you want for her or what you think is best. Do you understand that? Your feelings about what she should do (aside from the legal issue, of course) are not as relevant as what she wants. Yes, you happen to be more correct than incorrect about the danger of drinking and the illegality of it (at least in the USA) for someone of her age, but she will do what she will, and you have to be calm enough to accept that. This is totally on you.

So what you can do about this situation is to find a therapist for you and start talking. If you can’t overcome your desire to control her – even though “you know what is best” – then before long we’ll be telling her to “run, don’t walk away” from you.

Seek's avatar

So it’s OK for you to experiment, but not her?

Why?

stanleybmanly's avatar

My question is about your level of concern. Was she drinking a lot? While the fact that she is an experienced and habitual drinker at 19 might raise your eyebrow, things could be worse (say a heroin habit). You’re there on the spot, and must decide whether or not she is a “whiskey-head” or on her way to becoming one. The fact that she told you about taking a drink is a good sign. It’s when she starts lying to you and herself that the issue is no longer in doubt.

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