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chelle21689's avatar

How do I compromise moving out with my partner?

Asked by chelle21689 (5259 points ) March 17th, 2014 from iPhone

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and I just recently landed my first full time “real” job. I make more but not enough to move out on my own so I plan to save for two years and hopefully gain more experience to a more advanced job.

Anyways, he has helped pay the mortgage to his mom’s house since he was 17 (he is 24 now). His name was going to go on there but he was underage and they never got around to it. Anyways, his mom moved out and got married. So he had the place to himself but his two older sisters moved back in because one broke up with her bf and the other has been with her bf for 10 years but has no interest in a higher commitment I guess. This was a year and half ago

They show no signs of moving out anytime soon, I see them there even in the next 5 years. Both have full time jobs and make around 40–45k. They just pay gas, electric, water, and cable/internet.

I asked my bf if he would move out in two years with me but he’s worried about money. He said he would consider it. I’m afraid his sisters will be burdened with paying more money for bills and he will feel bad for “leaving” them. I don’t know how much it will hurt them. I’m a bit worried about money too that is why I don’t wanna move anytime very soon.

I mean would you help them pay for the house if the house was going to be under your name? If it stays not under his name just walk away?

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20 Answers

talljasperman's avatar

Sell the house… split what seems fair and move on.

chelle21689's avatar

Easier said than done lol

Winter_Pariah's avatar

@chelle21689 There really isn’t an easy way out of this. I’d go with what @talljasperman said.

talljasperman's avatar

@chelle21689 That might be to involve lawyers. sorry for that they will get a cut of the profits.

Cruiser's avatar

Where is the mom’s point of view on all of this?? It is still her house and she has final control over this property. Until she decides what to do with the home….it seems to me all involved are simply living mortgage and rent free. You have your life to live and sounds to me like you are wanting to move forward with your life. You have worked hard and are ready to start your own life. This may be more of a challenge to your BF to see if he is also wanting to and ready to start his own life on his own. Compromise is a decision rife with regrets if the compromise hinders your forward growth. Your happiness comes first and though it is great to have someone by your side….when you look back in life you need to be content with the decisions and choices you make now.

I think you know what you are up against and I would look out for your own desires and lifes goals first and more importantly do not let your BF and his sisters dependency on this house get in the way of you achieving what you want in your life.

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JLeslie's avatar

If his mom will put his name on the house, only him, by doing a quit claim deed, then I think it is fine if he pays the mortgage, and the sisters pay all the other expenses. Everyone should be clear that the house is his. When I say all other expenses, I mean between the two sisters they should pay the total utilities and maybe even property tax. It still will be less than renting a place for them I am assuming. If they are going to want money from the sale of the house in the future then they need to pay a third of everything, including the mortgage.

Right now if his mom days, God forbid, and the house is still in her name, it depends on the state, but possibly her husband will have a right to a portion of the house. She needs to get the legal work done so the house goes where she wants. She may have a will that defines what is expected. If the house was already in your boyfriend’s name it would make it much easier.

Since two years is so far away I don’t think you need to worry about the logistics until closer to that date.

bolwerk's avatar

@JLeslie: if he has the mortgage, he should charge them rent in excess of their mortgage because he has the greater risk.

gailcalled's avatar

Is one of the sister’s this controlling bossy one you reference in this question?

http://www.fluther.com/167918/how-would-you-deal-with-a-demanding-in-law-over-your/

If yes, then I need to repeat what @jca just wrote;

‘it seems there are ore issues in thiis relationship than the house issue.”

Has he asked his mother outright why, now that he is legally an adult, she has not added his name to the deed as she had promised? Your BF has been helping her with the mortage for seven years and he is only 24. He’s entitled to some part of the equity of the house. If Mom balks, he contributes no longer…not one cent.

The two sisters are clearing 80 K now and living rent-free. They can probably cope if he moves out. Why would he feel bad about “leaving” two adults with full-time jobs, one of whom has a 10-year relationship?

Ditch the lot of them. Where are you now living? I can no longer remember all the details of your and his relationship and family imbroglios.

Judi's avatar

If the house is in moms name he needs to tell her that he’s considering moving out in a few years and she needs to start thinking about what she wants to do long term. 2 years is plenty of notice and she has to know that he won’t be there forever.

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chyna's avatar

So mom is getting her mortgage paid for, sisters are living there for utilities only and you and your boyfriend will have nothing to show for all the money you have dumped into that house.
You really should move out on your own to see exactly who you are on your own. I think from your previous posts you are very invested in the boy, but he doesn’t seem as invested in you. I recommend you be your own person and grow without this family that seems to not value you.

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CWOTUS's avatar

You can’t pretend to come up with a solution that is going to make everybody feel great and compliment you on solving everyone’s financial problems and goals – unless you win a lottery and shower most of the benefits (and none of the problems) on these people. I’m saying that in a way that is not in the least bit mean-spirited or ill-wishing to you, your boyfriend or any of his family. The facts are that your boyfriend has sunk a lot of money into mortgage payments; that his sisters (whatever their reasons – and the background about relationship difficulties is simply noise, irrelevant to the discussion) enjoy the deal they have now, and which your boyfriend seems not to mind, and that his mother and her new husband have their own issues (and can apparently overlook the equity that she has sunk into the house).

But none of that really matters to anyone except them. You have your own life to live, and while we presume that you want to maintain good relations with your boyfriend’s family – and that’s a laudable goal – you (and presumably your boyfriend) have no moral obligation to support everyone else’s lifestyle at the expense of your own goals.

You have goals. Bravo for you! Let your boyfriend know what they are (if you choose, and in particular if they include him!), so that he can either get on board with you, negotiate a more favorable joint goal that you can both work toward, and then announce your plans (at least to the extent that they pertain to the disposal / leaving of the current housing arrangements), and then carry on.

Your life / lives are your own. Surely two years is enough time for reasonably competent adults to put their own lives in order and make their own plans about where they need or want to go when you and your boyfriend move out on your own.

Don’t feel like your plans need to mesh with everyone else’s to keep harmony. If you do, then you’ll not only feel taken advantage of later in your life, you would feel that way correctly. And you would have made it possible.

Make your plans. Let people you care about – and who will be affected – know how your plans might affect them, and then full speed ahead. (Your boyfriend should realize that the capital that he has invested in the mortgage payments is essentially meaningless if the deed holder decides not to recognize his contribution and return it at a reasonable time and manner – or ever. Sunk cost should not be a justification for hanging onto a property that you do not control or want.)

JLeslie's avatar

@bolwerk It will be like cheap rent. They will be paying everything to maintain the property while he is living there also, except the mortgage. When he moves out in two years then they can pay more, he can give them fair warning. So much can happen in two years, I was just talking about the situation they are in today. I’m assuming the house is worth more than the mortgage so if the house is in his name he will get the benefit of the sale if they ever sell, the sisters will get nothing. Nothing, unless he decides to give them something.

Could be a nightmare in the end, depending on what the sister’s are like. They may feel they should get some of the money from the house sale no matter what, because it was mom’s house. It all should be discussed with the mother, sisters and the OP’s boyfriend all together.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Personally, I’d suggest he move out and start a life with you. Most couples start off broke but happy, and if his mother wants to leave it to him only, then she will.

The thing is, building a life around maybe getting the house is not really a life, it’s being held hostage by a real estate transaction and money. That’s no way to live and his mom could be around a long time yet.

*Just because he helped pay the mortgage, it doesn’t legally gain him any more interest in the home than his sisters, because it would be considered ‘rent’ as he lived there. (I am not a lawyer but I did work in a real estate title office for several years.)

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