Social Question

qbecuhed's avatar

Would it be better for me to not feel uncomfortable about this?

Asked by qbecuhed (33 points ) May 4th, 2014

My girlfriend intends to share a bed with her gay male friend. I told her that this makes me uncomfortable, and asked her not to. She believes that it is unreasonable of me to ask her not to do this.

Obviously, this is for us to work out between the two of us. What I’m looking for is personal advice—is this the sort of thing I should endeavor to be chill about, or should I allow myself to feel uncomfortable?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

17 Answers

Adagio's avatar

I can imagine that might raise a few issues for you but I would try and consider her gay male friend in the same way as you might consider her girl friends, would it bother you if she shared a bed with one of her girl friends? As to whether you should allow yourself to feel uncomfortable, that is difficult, feelings are feelings, if you’re wondering whether you should be worried by the idea I would suggest not, sometimes we just have to acknowledge that our feelings are just that, our feelings. When my daughter was a teenager she had a gay male friend, the way they interacted was not too different from how she might have acted with one of her girl friends.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Erm… why isn’t she sharing a bed with you, her boyfriend instead?

She would be soooo gone and out of my romantic life, real quick, real fast.

Adagio's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Perhaps her friend is sleeping over at her place, perhaps she does not live with her boyfriend, perhaps he is going away, there could be many different reasons why her boyfriend will not be there.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

You’re right. Hoping to find out. There are always special circumstances.

And although I appreciate your position attempting to equate gay men as being one of the girls, I personally don’t accept that. They have penis’s (peni?), they don’t wear bras, or talk about boob sizes or girly things together. They wear different undies. They shave in different places. My experience, is that gay men sleeping with hetero women can sometimes accidentally turn bisexual for one lonely evening in a fit of experimentation.

Not with my gal.

But I wouldn’t leave her for the act. I’d leave her simply on the merit of thinking such a thing was ok, and that my uncomfortable-ness with such a thing was unreasonable. Go ahead and do it babe… live your life. But not with me.

It’s just not equatable IMO.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Notice I never said don’t do it. I just said don’t do it and expect me to stick around.

Coloma's avatar

Would she be comfortable with you sleeping with a gay female friend?
What’s good for the goose is good fro the gander ya know. haha
I think what is most important is how she shows respect for your feelings.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

^^^ this ^^^

especially the “respect” for feelings part

livelaughlove21's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies My experience, is that gay men sleeping with hetero women can sometimes accidentally turn bisexual for one lonely evening in a fit of experimentation.

And you have a lot of experience with gay men, do you? You don’t “accidentally turn bisexual.” That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying a straight guy that sleeps in the same bed as another guy might accidentally turn gay – uh, no.

OP, if you trusted your girlfriend not to cheat on you, then it wouldn’t bother you nearly as much as it obviously does. I agree that she should respect your feelings, but I also think your feelings show a bit of jealousy and distrust. The guy is gay. No, I’m not comparing gay men to women by any means, but your girlfriend lacks a certain body part that this guy probably finds pretty important in a potential sex partner.

I vote for you to chill out. If she sleeps with someone else, you probably shouldn’t be with her anyway. Asking her not to sleep next to a gay guy won’t stop her from cheating on you if she wants to.

longgone's avatar

If the guy was her brother, would you still feel uncomfortable? Serious question. I’ve never understood all the hype about two different-gendered people sharing a bed. If your SO wants to cheat, she will do so – probably secretly and with a heterosexual man.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies
They have penis’s (peni?), Granted.

They don’t wear bras… Neither do all girls.

…or talk about boob sizes or girly things together. You’d be surprised.

Crazydawg's avatar

I know I would have a hard time feeling comfortable about this, good luck with it.

Kardamom's avatar

The dude can sleep on the couch. There’s just something un-easy about this situation, especially because she’s adamant about it. Things are not always as they appear. How would she feel if one of you lesbian friends was going to sleep in the same bed with you. Her friend might be gay, and might even be bisexual, but your girlfriend is still straight, and he’s still a dude. Dude should sleep on the couch.

qbecuhed's avatar

@Kardamom Yes, I agree the situation as described in my question sounds fishy. But, there’s a lot of information I’ve left out—in reality I have a very good idea why she wants to, why she’s adamant, why she’s upset about me objecting. What I’m having trouble figuring out is what my attitude should be towards this sort of thing in general.

Coloma's avatar

@qbecuhed Don’t should on yourself. Your attitude is your attitude, no one can tell you what it “should” be. If you’re going to eliminate, potentially swaying details then the fluther attornies will have to base their verdict on the argument at hand minus other incriminating evidence. lol

qbecuhed's avatar

@Coloma True, my attitude is my attitude—and that’s the position I’ve taken when talking to her. But, here I’m my personal thoughts (with fluther as an auxiliary brain), so I’m free to change my attitude without worrying that it’s because I’m being pressured. I’m trying to figure out if my (and other’s) life would be better if I could be more chill about this.

It’s been tricky, because I’m not sure what the objective really is—what I’m I actually trying to preserve? Would I be upset if she had sex with another guy? Massively—but it wouldn’t cause any harm. It’s just jealousy. Same here—no harm, just jealousy. It seems that for me, in order to feel secure in a relationship, I need to trust that there is a line drawn, but it’s utterly baffling to me where to draw that line.

Adagio's avatar

@qbecuhed One’s partner having sex with another person is in a totally different sphere to them sleeping (lit) with a gay friend.

qbecuhed's avatar

@Adagio Absolutely agreed—I didn’t mean to equate the two.

Kardamom's avatar

Yes, I agree the situation as described in my question sounds fishy. But, there’s a lot of information I’ve left out—in reality I have a very good idea why she wants to, why she’s adamant, why she’s upset about me objecting. What I’m having trouble figuring out is what my attitude should be towards this sort of thing in general.

@qbecuhed I might (but probably not, given the current information) have a different answer for you if I knew all of the other details. Are you at liberty to give us the rest of the picture?

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther