General Question

jwlz's avatar

Does sex bring couples closer together?

Asked by jwlz (39 points ) November 6th, 2008

Okay, so I’m 28 and my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been dating for three years and have lived together for over two. We have actually never had sex, although we do things other than intercourse. (I know, hard to believe, but it’s true!)
Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about having sex…I know that he’d be all for it! My main reason for waiting is that I kind of want to be married (or at least engaged) first. It’s not a religious thing for me, just a personal choice. I want to know that our relationship is going to be permanent first. (Please no comments about the possibility of divorce later on)
The problem is, things have been different between us lately. It just seems like something is missing and our relationship is not like it used to be. I’m not looking to sex to make things better. That’s not what this is about. Like I said before…it’s actually something that I’ve been thinking about lately. Considering the fact that I’ve been contemplating it anyway, I guess I’m just wondering if this could possibly help us.
I’m just wondering, does sex bring couples closer?

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42 Answers

Magnus's avatar

Depends on how good it is.

wrestlemaniac3's avatar

It does after all, what’s a relationship without it, it seems awkward, like there is no romance. eventually he/she might think the other finds him/her not sexually attractive.

poofandmook's avatar

Wrestle, you’re not even 18, are you?

@jwlz: Sex does not make a relationship. Sex does not equal romance, and romance does not equal sex. If sex were to bring you closer, or fill in a gap, there is something more that’s missing, and sex can’t fill the void very long. You need to explore any and all other avenues to fix what you’re lacking, because sex isn’t going to cut it.

wrestlemaniac3's avatar

well he/she asked if it brung them closer together, and I said yes, and on the 18 part….....no comment.

nikipedia's avatar

Let me paraphrase your question:

“I heard that sex brings couples together. My boyfriend and I are growing apart. I don’t want to have sex to bring us closer together. Will sex bring us closer together?”

Sex can do a lot of things, but it can’t fix what’s broken. If you have sex with your boyfriend, do it for the right reasons.

wrestlemaniac3's avatar

well make sure there is still a spark there in the relationship, try to start over again, you know, what was the first thing you thought when you met that person and what about he/she made you fall for them.

jwlz's avatar

There is definitely still a spark between us. It’s not that our relationship is “broken”. I just feel like we’re missing something. And like I said, I’m not talking about doing this to fix things. Just thinking that it might help.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@poof i kind of disagree with that, im not saying sex will solve all of your problems or should be used to do so, but i think sex can be at times very romantic and can make two people feel much closer to each other.especially the cuddling and all after sex :P

shadling21's avatar

It sounds like this is a serious relationship, and that you’re headed in the right direction. If you plan to stay together for a long time, sex is going to come up eventually. Being physically open with each other will be awkward at first, but it will strengthen the relationship.

I agree with poof in that sex should not be used to try to “fix” things, but as you said, it’s not a fix. It’s a progression. Maybe you two feel like you’re in stasis, and need something to propel you onwards.

jividenm's avatar

sex might put pressure on things, talk about it with your partner first.

but after the akwardness- youll want to quit your day job. :)

lapilofu's avatar

Sex is what you make of it. Just be sure that you’re ready, keep communication open constantly, and make it what you want to be. Talk about it beforehand, during, and after.

Some people, especially those who haven’t had it, seem to treat sex as though it is some mysterious magic, but it isn’t. It’s an activity. It’s something you do with someone else—often someone else you care very much about. But just as other couple activities don’t necessarily have an inherent value, neither does sex. Sex can be very enjoyable. And it can bring people closer. But it really depends on you, how you think about it, and how you treat it. It is what you put into it.

And I mostly agree with nikipedia. If you do have sex, make sure you’re having sex for the right reasons. I know you say that you’re not thinking about sex as a way to “fix” things, but be sure.

(Though I would amend her statement to “it can’t usually fix what’s broken.” Sometimes what’s broken is the sex life. And that’s important to talk about too.)

mea05key's avatar

Sex may bring you and your partner together again to find that feeling again that you guys are looking for. But it would not guarantee to bring happiness. its only a temporary pleasure.

lapilofu's avatar

Like anything, really.

…except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now…

GAMBIT's avatar

Does it bring people closer together? Yes if you are doing it right.

A_Beaverhausen's avatar

yes, it creates a bond on a different level. it really connects you. but dont rush it- it can akward at first; just like jivi said.

just make sure once you do start becoming intimate that earning a pay check is more important that earning an orgasm :D:D:D

wundayatta's avatar

No. Sex will not fix a relationship if the problem is based on anything other than sex. It sounds like something has come between you, and that can’t be fixed by sex. I can, however, be fixed with communication.

If your relationship is solid, then sex can be a great joy, and it can create a feeling of deeper connection. When it works, it feels good; it relaxes you; and it provides a kind of magic that is hard to describe.

The feelings, however, don’t last very long. Early in a relationship they last longer. It’s a kind of afterglow that just makes you feel happy and wonderful.

Later on, sex might not have such a good effect, but it is still good, assuming your relationship is in good shape.

Now, just a little warning. I have recently come through a rough patch in my relationship. We stopped having sex very much for maybe six or eight years. (We’re married with kids, so it’s not like we could disappear in search of sex).

For me, the lack of the sexual connection made me feel unloved. I felt rejected and ugly and disgusting. I was sure this meant she hated me and was just waiting for the kids to grow up to dump me.

I don’t know how other men feel. I could be an outlier in this. But there is a small possibility that the lack of sex is making him feel unloved. I don’t know how you’ve discussed this. Is he onboard with the abstinence? Has he urged you to sleep with him, and you keep saying “no?”

Sex, I believe, is a very emotion and significance laden activity for men, as it is for women. I don’t think men are often willing to admit this, or they may not be self-aware enough to figure it out. Anyway, it’s a natural thing, and an important part of relationships, and I don’t know what your reasons for abstaining are, but they could be putting a distance between you.

jwlz's avatar

My boyfriend and I definitely don’t discuss the topic enough, but he is aware of how I feel. He doesn’t try to get me to have sex, (he has mentioned it a few times in the past), but as I said, we do “other” things, just not intercourse. He talks about sex, just in general, and seems to want to, but he also acts like he really doesn’t care about it. I don’t think this is true…I’m sure he cares more than he lets on.

wundayatta's avatar

Then that’s what you should delve into.

Also, imho, “other things” count as sex.

jwlz's avatar

I realize that a lot of people consider things other than intercourse to be sex, and yes, I believe that they’re forms of sex. But to me, intercourse is quite different, and considering the actual definition of sex is to engage in sexual intercourse, I don’t really think they count in the same way. I would think that actually, technically having sex would bring two people closer emotionally than just touching each other does. But I guess I don’t really know. That’s why I wanted to get other people’s opinions on the subject.

fireside's avatar

I don’t really see how you could get much closer than you are now if you have been living together for two years. Married couples experience a drop off in “that honeymoon feeling” after time. That doesn’t mean that there is something wrong.

Sex won’t do anything but give you another activity to engage in together.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

At 28 and 26, after dating for 3 years, and living together for two, sex will not fix your relationship. Commitment will fix your relationship. If you can’t commit after that time, then giving up something that’s important to you will not fix that.

girlofscience's avatar

I don’t think sex brings couples closer together, but I do think it’s an excellent reinforcement and expression of intimacy. I do not advise waiting for engagement/marriage to have sex; I think it is an important element in developing an intimate, romantic relationship, and it should not be put off until later. It probably cannot fulfill the hole of whatever is happening with you two now, but I would suggest trying to fix that and, additionally, engaging in intercourse.

wundayatta's avatar

Intercourse, while wonderful, is not that much more wonderful than other things we do when being intimate with our partners. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually come to appreciate all the things we can do fairly equally. Although I do have a preference—something I like as much as intercourse, but since it happens more rarely, I actually prefer.

Obviously, your experience may be different. You won’t know until you have experience. Though it’s hard to believe your experience will be that different from other people’s.

I guess I find that I think the hype about intercourse is a sort of mythic thing, more than something that is so much better than all the other fun things people do.

And in the end, what makes everything we do special is our feelings for the other person.

krose1223's avatar

For you it sounds like it might. For those of us who consider sex a special and personal thing I think it does bring two people together. It can be such a beautiful thing and it is so amazing to share it with my SO. If you think you are ready go for it, I think it would be one more thing to make you guys closer. I wouldn’t suggest doing it to save a relationship though, because then you would only regret it.

noraasnave's avatar

Sex is a reading of the relationship, that is why ‘good’ sex is so hard to define. My version or definition of good sex is different than yours because sex is as original in each relationship as the relationship itself.

Sex doesn’t give you some secret insight into the person, necesarily, but it is an unquantifiable measurement of the health of the relationship.

If your relationship is starting to feel like it is going downhill, then sex is going to reflect that. I would say communicate about the problems in your relationship that you feel, and save the sex a little longer. Hope this helps.

wundayatta's avatar

Before I ever had experience with sex, I had very romantic imagess about it. I thought it would change the world. I thought I would actually be able to be inside someone else’s head. I thought it was the actual melding, not just of bodies, but of minds and souls.

While it was disappointing to discover these things weren’t going to happen, I still really enjoyed what did happen. And even at age 52, there is not an hour that goes by that I don’t think about it. That is something that can be very distracting, by the way.

Response moderated
tb1570's avatar

Yes, of course sex can bring two people closer together. Sex can be a spiritual, almost mystical experience. It cannot, however, be used as a band-aid to fix a larger relationship problem, nor can it sustain a relationship indefinitely. Still, when we have sex our bodies release numerous chemicals, some of which are known as “bonding chemicals,” and they serve to bond us emotionally w/ our sexual partner. Over time, w/ the same partner, these bonds grow and become stronger. And while sex cannot fix large problems, it can certainly help smooth out rough edges in a relationship. I read an article once about a couple (married) who vowed to have sex every day for 100 days straight. At the end of the 100 days, they both said they felt closer than ever, their relationship was stronger than ever and many of their small problems had simply disappeared. Some of this could simply be attributed to making time each day for real intimacy and communication w/ our partner, but there is no doubt that sex can also help strenghten an emotional bond between two people and create a level of intimacy that is difficult, if not impossible, to attain otherwise. But here we are not discussing “sex” so much as we are “making love.” Making love is one of the holiest experiences two people can share, and can bring you closer to god than almost anything else. And it feels really nice.

punkrockworld's avatar

well, you’re in her or he’s in you.. how much closer can you be?

kheredia's avatar

I’ve been living with my bf for two years as well and we are still a very sexually active couple. I think sex does give you more of an emotional bond with the person you love. I don’t think we would be as close as we are if we weren’t having sex. Weather you decide on having sex with your bf or not is really up to you. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and that you are ready for it. If it doesn’t feel right then don’t do it until you feel ready. Good luck :-)

ShauneP82's avatar

Only if your married…but yes…in fact the guy is inside the girl. Thats pretty close.

caeliste's avatar

I think those “other things” you do can bring you just as close as any other sex act. Then again, I’m a lesbian, so those “other things” are what my partner and I do when we have sex. Like other people have said, it’s all in what you put into it. I do know that when my SO and I are not having sex on a regular basis, things do feel a little distant.

All in all, your best bet is going to be talking to your SO. Tell him that you feel something is missing in the relationship and ask if he feels the same way. Then you can figure out what’s missing together, and I guarantee that’ll make you feel closer than any orgasm.

Then you’ll probably wanna get it on.

icehky06's avatar

My friend is 14 and she just recently had sex (I no its a very young age to have sex so Ive told her numerous times) but her and her boyfriend it seems like they are drawn away from each other now? So no I don’t think it bring couples closer

Horus515's avatar

I definitely agree with the very first answer. I DOES depend on the quality of the sex. Bad sex can make things worse, but there is nothing like a shared orgasm to make two people get along famously!

ratboy's avatar

Unless the guy has an extraordinarily long penis.

creatrixe's avatar

I think @AlfredaPrufrock hit the nail on the head. After two years, maybe what you’re missing is a decision to either move forward with your relationship, or to move along.

What are you both waiting for, commitment-wise?

You’re entitled to have sex whenever you’re ready, but I wonder if you’re getting stressed out, with no proposal, and knowing that he’s ready.

_bob's avatar

If you mean physically, yes. Unless it’s cybersex, that is.

InquisitiveAquarius's avatar

sex does create great intimacy but if you’re not “feeling in the right place” it won’t be very good at fixing what’s wrong… what it will do is relax both of you so you can be honest with one another… and maybe you’re just meant to be good friends not lovers

BrazilianLover's avatar

sex DOES create a bit of closeness within a couple, but i have to say this; HE’S CHEATING ON YOU!!! You said that things are different, correct? He’s boning someone else. Sorry….just telling the truth.

Response moderated
belladona's avatar

Dear, no sex will not bring you closer together. If after three years of dating and living together (which you should not have done yet), I don’t see that any of it is moving you toward a long term committment. Sorry but its true, if your extending this effort and this young man does not know your the one by now, your wasting yourself with sex. Move on. BTW I respect your decision to wait and so will the man you marry.

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