General Question

holster77's avatar

Do I Love my girlfriend for the wrong reason's?

Asked by holster77 (33 points ) January 22nd, 2009

Hi, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, she is amazing and i love her to bits. We haven’t much of a sex life of late (10 months!), my choice really to which concern’s me as i have always had a reasonably high drive when it comes to the bedroom. She is intelligent, funny, has a great personality though alittle pessimistic at times and she looks after me, which i’ve never had done before in a relationship. She doesn’t turn me on though and just because of this, should i stay with her?? She has so much gong for her, She’s in her Final year of Uni, aiming for Top marks, she has had problems at home and with a close friend passing away and it’s been a struggle. I have also had a court case going on with an ex partner regarding a child we have together. We have been through a lot in the 2 years and have helped each other with full support along the way. We both can see a future for us but is it my selfishness in knowing that she will look after me? We get along well, we Love each other so much but is my Love for the wrong reason’s? Please help. Is a relationship just about sex?

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30 Answers

richardhenry's avatar

A relationship isn’t just about sex, but it sounds a lot like you guys are really just best friends to me.

Staalesen's avatar

Well, depends a bit… Have she ever turned you on, or is it recent thing…?
There are medical/psycological reason for not beeing abl to light the fire so to say….

holster77's avatar

I have been under a lot of stress the past year with a volatile ex-partner causing problems and i know i haven’t been too interested in the bedroom. It can be 5 times a week and then nothing for 2 months. I really don’t know what is wrong but i would definately say she doesn’t completely ‘do it for me in the bedroom’ We have tried but it’s no good from her side. She has told me that she would consider suicide if we split. That scared me.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Wow! Sounds like she’s under a lot of stress. Being overwhelmed has a way of diminishing interest in sex for women. Let’s see—she’s finishing school, probably concerned about employment after school, family problems, death of a friend, you having a child from a previous relationship, you having a court case about that child from a previous relationship, you complaining about sex to keep you happy.

Show of hands of those who think that maybe, just maybe, she has a few more things that deserve to be top of mind than her boyfriend’s (not husband’s) sexual frustrations with the relationship…

Staalesen's avatar

Well, in my opinion nobody COMPLETELY do it for me either, but my beloved and me have found our ways around that problem. What scares me here is the fact that she is talking about suicide. Is it a real emotion, or is it a way for her to say that she hopes to be noticed more…..
My advise would be to talk with your partner, ask if there is anything you can do to make her stress down a bit, when she is stressed down, then is a better time to focus on sexual probems, because as AP said…. a lot is going on in both your lives right now…. Take a step back, breathe deep, and just fix things :)

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

What are you doing to minimize her stress? The fact that she says that she would consider suicide if you broke up is an indication that she is at her breaking point emotionally and.cannot.deal.with.one.more.thing.

cyndyh's avatar

I’d give things a chance to stabilize in your lives before you go worrying about whether it’s really about sex or something else. If that sort of feeling continues after things have smoothed out in other areas of your lives then maybe you need to do some talking about it. Don’t give her one more thing to worry about right now.

holster77's avatar

Alfreda, your spot on. Thanks.

She has a lot more going on in her life than i have. Stressful as both parts are she deals with things better (she is woman after all) where as i let a lot of things get to me. I’m sure we can sort it out, i need to make more of an effort.

Not too much is done for her in regards of minimizing her stress. She constantly does thigns for other’s to which get’s to me as nobody does anything for her. I take her out for meals and we relax at home but on top of Uni she has 2 part-time jobs, she is a real Wonder Woman!!! I want to sort out issues for the better any advice on what i can do to help minimize stress for her? She tends not to listen to people and help other’s nevertheless and this is where it is difficult for me in helping her minimize things. it’s along story, we have talked a lot and have come far but it just seems our sex life is suffering at the moment and a little more understanding from my part.

I’m in work so i hope i’m not going to be told off!! lol. I will await your response and unfortunately have to log off till an hour or two.

Thanks Guys!! xxx Rich

nebule's avatar

Rich, It sounds to me like you are in the depths of confusion. Something i have found myself in recently too. My advice would be not to rush into anything too soon. She obviously needs your friendship. I would quit thinking about the sex thing for the time being, it’s not on her list of priorities. The best thing you could do would be to start spending some time finding out who you really are and what you really want out of a relationship. I was with someone who threatened suicide on a number of occasions. It sucks but…Don’t let them emotionally blackmail you.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

She may seem like Wonder Woman, but she’s probably not really. She’s had to become her in order to keep all the balls in the air. Talk less and do more. One of the easiest things is to not complain about your ex or the court case to her. If you’re living with her, take over running the home front and step up to do what needs to be done without being asked. I can’t tell you how many times coming home to a clean house, with dinner cooked, or laundry done, would have put me in a much better frame of mind. I would get so angry when my husband would say, rather proudly, “I took out the garbage for you.” Think about what you can do to make her life a little easier in small ways, and just do it without asking if she wants you to do it (even having to make decisions like that becomes overwhelming). It make take a little time, but she should relax more.

One of the nicest things I ever heard came from the 85 year old man across the street. He and his wife have been married for 65 years, and he’s been worried about her health. He said, “I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t fix breakfast for her every morning.”

Sometimes just cuddling is a great stress reliever. Aim for quality, not quantity. Sex is good when it’s fun.

jrpowell's avatar

Have a honest talk with her.. It could do wonders. Be honest, let her know how you feel. It might be hard but it is the quickest way to be happy instead of being confused and bullshitting.

Edit :: And listen…. Let them vent, even if it is something about you that you think is false. Just STFU and let them vent before you interrupt. Cutting people off only makes these things worse.

LostInParadise's avatar

I go along with @richardhenry. A relationship should not be only about sex, but there should be a sexual component, at least at the beginning. If all of the things that you like about her do not translate into sexual attraction then there is something amiss. You also say that she is not sexually responsive. But does she respond to physical contact, even if it is just being held?

It really does seem to me that you two are good friends and are good for each other in terms of providing mutual support through stressful times in both your lives, but that special spark of love does not seem to be there.

basp's avatar

Alfreda is right. Step up to the plate and do more without having to be asked. That, in itself, will relieve a lot of pressure for her and send the message that you really care about her..in totallity.
I have a stressful job and when I come home and find that husband has done the dishes or a load of laundry, it really makes my day mich better and I am able to enjoy a relaxed evening.

DrBill's avatar

It sounds like you have a stable relationship, but both of you are dealing with an overload of stress. The good news is it is rare for a serious suicide to tell someone (some do, but it is rare)

Don’t be that concerned with the rate of sex, it is not a competition. Sex drive, and even sexual attractiveness can be diminished by overwhelming stress. Putting your energy into solving the source of stress in both your personal lives will be in the best interest of your relationship.

Long term relationships are not all dancing on a mountain top like a psych patent, it is ups and downs, highs and lows, and it is not about being in love forever, it is about falling in love over and over again, forever.

wundayatta's avatar

I am concerned about the threat to commit suicide if you leave. I can understand her wanting to do that, if she is depressed. However, she would talk about that feeling independently of any discussion of your part in the relationship. Has she?

It also could be a kind of manipulation. It is possible that she knows you care about her, and is not above using guilt to keep you around.

She might be doing this without really being aware of the manipulativeness of the threat. However, it’s just wrong to put the burden of one’s suicide on someone else. There’s an element of bullshit to that threat.

If she is truly depressed, or if you are, for that matter, get to a doctor or a psychiatrist, and get treatment. A lack of interest in sex can also be a sign of depression. You two sound like you are wrapped up with each other in an unhealthy way. I think if you stay because you are afraid of her suicide, she will never solve her problems. They are what keep you there.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Are you each other’s only emotional support system? If so, that’s no good. It’s hard to be in a sexual relationship with someone where you’re starting to associate them with stress and confusion. I think you both need to find counselors to talk to so that when you are together, it isn’t always about your problems.

Judi's avatar

There may be reasons beside “her that your drive is down. Sounds like you are both a bit distracted by life right now.

TheBox193's avatar

“Guys want sex.
Girls want love and protection.”

I was told that many years ago, and I have never forgotten it. This is why I aim give the love and protection they deserve. Sex may be an integral part in the relationship, but there is much more to it. If you are still together after this last sex-less 10 months I would say that are doing good, there must be a good connection there.

lovelace's avatar

I think you should evaluate what you WANT. I wouldn’t say that relationships are all about sex but if sex is something you want from your partner or wife, you really need to think about that. It’s not fair to her or you. The last thing you should do is end up cheating on her when you already KNEW she couldn’t fulfill you. Find out what the problem really is. I think that if you really WANTED her in the capacity of “girlfriend”, no matter how she looks, you’d be attracted to her.

A good friend of mine is married and he tells me all the time how his wife does not satisfy him sexually. He loves her because she’s good to him. She does a lot for him but he’s not attracted to her and she doesn’t desire the same things he does, sexually. I don’t think he’ll divorce her but I definitely think he’ll cheat on her if the opportunity presents itself, not that he’ll initiate anything. He’s a good guy but I don’t think he’d be able to resist. He talks about how pretty and good looking other women are but never his wife and that’s kinda bad.

If your SI isn’t attractive to anyone else, they should be attractive to you. You shouldn’t force it; it should come naturally. And remember that it’s always ok to have good friends. Sounds like she is your FRIEND. Not trying to be harsh but I’m thinking that you could possibly find someone who has things going for them who you ARE attracted to but don’t leave your current girlfriend unless you really don’t want to be with her, regardless of whether you find someone else or not.

richardhenry's avatar

@TheBox193 I’d argue that that’s a connection as friends, and not as a couple.

ronski's avatar

I personally think sex is an important part of a relationship. If you love another person, you should at least want to make them feel good, make them orgasm I guess. If you think you guys can work out your sexual problems, than I think it is worth staying together. If you don’t think you can, than I would try to be honest with her and keep a friendship. I would much rather be broken up with than cheated on.

punkrockworld's avatar

A relationship is not all about sex, but it’s a big part of it.
How can you be with someone you’re not sexually attracted to. How do you think that makes her feel? I’m thinking she has a lot of homework and studies a lot, but helloooo… does she not get horny?

kheredia's avatar

I think sex is an important part of a relationship but it’s not the most important part. If you think about it, you really fall in love with the person inside, not the exterior. When you grow old together, the exterior changes and all that is left is the person you fell in love with all those years ago. If you love her because of what’s inside then you’re on the right track.

lukiarobecheck's avatar

I hope I am not too late to the party. Maybe you guys need a relaxing weekend vacation, or a couples day at the spa. It sounds like you two are consumed by stress, and thats not good for anyone, single or otherwise.

funky_princess's avatar

Why not just set a date to be really romantic, take her out for a romantic meal, get all dressed up, come home and just have fun, get some whipped cream or something and see if that relights the flame, it certainly worked for me! x

WenDay88's avatar

Why do you think you hear things about married couples trying new things? Like role play and stuff like that. You hear that stuff because EVERY realationship has that problem. Things arent always going to be great in the bedroom. Thats just what happens when you’ve been together for a while.

1000oceans's avatar

sometimes things like sex and affection fade a bit after a while

it’s like a t shirt. you get it and it’s brand new and amazing, you wear it almost everyday and maybe even sleep in it because you look good wearing it and it looks good with you wearing it…eventually it might be a light black or a dark white from the fading or just the general how white turns grey after youve had it for years…but, it’s still an awesome t shirt.

without those things you can still have a great girlfriend.

it depends on what you really want and what is most important to you though

it’s not everyday you will meet someone who will look after you and that stays with you for years and years..

AnonymousWoman's avatar

You’ve done a good job defending her and making her sound wonderful, but she’s not really all that much of a ‘wonder woman’ if she’d commit suicide if you left her. That is flat out emotional blackmail. It sounds like she is holding you back, no matter how it affects your life, because you are a convenient person for her to have around. It also sounds like you’re being highly defensive of her because of how much history you have with her and possibly because you’re afraid of hurting her. Then again, I do not know her or you. I could be way off base, but whenever people make suicide threats like that, it makes them lose credibility in my eyes, no matter how much they appear to have going for them. Yes, it is a suicide threat, even if it appears innocent. It places you in an unfair situation. You shouldn’t have to stick around because you’re afraid she’ll actually commit suicide. That’s a huge responsibility for anyone, including yourself. It’s not right.

john65pennington's avatar

I am only going say a few words to you and i hope you are listening. she is a jewel. you have been truly blessed to have such a good person as her. sex is not everything. a trusted companion whom you trust, is worth a million dollars. how fast can you grab a ring and ask her to marry you? you two will be happy.

JeffVader's avatar

I’m gonna go against what most people seem to be saying. To me it sounds like you’re not in love with her. To me it sounds more like a really close friend, or even a brother / sister sort of situation. Where you both supply companionship, security, trust etc, but not that zing that being in love creates. If I’m right this leaves you in abit of a quandary. Do you stay with someone who is good for you, but who will never fulfil you. Which means you will never be entirely happy. Or do you risk leaving this wonderful person for the possibility of….. the unknown. I only bring this up, as it’s a situation I’m very familiar with, & it just doesn’t work long-term. It may take years but sooner or later you start going numb inside & stop caring. Which is something she really doesn’t deserve experiencing.
(Additionally, don’t worry about the supposed suicide thing. She’ll never go through with it in reality as she’d find she can cope. Besides, emotional blackmail is no reason to stick with someone)

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