If you've ever been divorced and had kids, did your X play headgames with you using the kids?

I haven’t been divorced, but my brother has, and yes, his ex uses the kids to play all sorts of head games with him and with our parents, and even with me. Unfortunately, even though we don’t rise to the bait, she can always find yet another person to convince that she is wonderful and he is terrible.

A case in point: they have shared custody but because my brother requires the kids to go to school, do their homework, help with housework, and tell him where they are going and who they are with, the girls decided to move in with their mom. Mom proceeded to convince the school district right after the divorce that she is the representative custodial parent so all school-related correspondence goes to her. Thanks to that, anything that goes right with the kids is attributed to her doing, and anything that goes wrong is my brother’s fault.

Once the girls moved in with her they started missing school (65 days in one school year. Each!), flunking their courses, and staying out all night going to bars (at this point they were 16 and 14 years old respectively). However, my brother knew nothing about this until the girls were at risk of suspension and his ex called our father to ask him to pay to put the girls in private school. He of course contacted my brother and asked what was up.

He really didn’t have the money for a lawyer so he decided to fix things himself. As a result, the girls still live with mom but every day my brother would go to his ex’s house after she had left for work, pick up the girls and make them go to school. He then picked them up after school and made them do their homework at his house, and then drove them back to mom’s house before she got home from work or her social life.

Of course, he can’t do this directly and openly because he isn’t on the list of people approved to pick up his own kids from school. He has to pick them up down the street from the school.

As a consequence the girls’ grades went back up. However, he is still never invited to parent-teacher conferences and the school still thinks he was the one to blame. Fortunately, the oldest is now 18 and has moved out-of-state for college so she is away from her mom. However, she still plays head games that affect us all because of the younger girl, and now because of the youngest, a boy.

The ex also has been seen spying on my brother to try to catch him doing something he shouldn’t, yet she has turned up at his house to pick up the kids when she is obviously drunk.

We often hope she gets a new boyfriend because then she is too busy to mess with anyone.

I have witnessed the worst kind of head game. My best friend divorced her husband. He spent quite a bit of time, was out of work, and later got a job, remarried and had a baby. He was somewhat behind on his child support.
Hi baby tragically died from SIDS. My __friend__ had papers served to him on the day of his son’s funeral giving him the option of going to jail for back child support, or allowing her new husband to adopt the children. I still think it was the cruelest thing I have ever witnessed.
You can bash him all you want about having another kid when he still owed child support, and he would deserve it. But her timing was just cold hearted.

I remember being a kid whose parents played those games. It is horrible to be caught in the middle of them. Especially since I had little capacity to understand why it was occurring. I really didn’t get it and it really had a negative impact on me.

@Darwin My daughters ex tries to play those kinds of head games regarding school. Their son had his very first ever parent teacher conference, and dad didn’t bother to tell her about it. When she found out she went to the teacher and asked her to PLEASE send a notice home on Monday (for dad) and on Wednesday for her. She makes it point to be very, very involved with the school and his teacher. They have no perceptions there! Sounds like your friend’s kids are going to make it eventually. He seems like a very caring and conscientious father, and that’s ¾ths of the battle. And I know about not have money for an attorney. Sucks.

@judi :( That sucks

@RedPowerLady I do not understand how any parent can justify doing those things. And even worse they do it under the pretense that they love the kids more!!

@Val123 I really think the parents are not thinking about the kids. Or refuse to believe their actions affect their kids negatively. I really don’t think my parents thought twice about it. They weren’t awful. It was just little things here and there but it added up and as a kid we are quite sensitive to those things.

My SIL insists that her actions won’t affect the kids, even though it is clear to almost everyone else that it does and has. All three kids have been in therapy for a number of problems, including problems at school.

However, what she really wants is for my father to give her lots of money so she will stay away. That is not going to happen.

@Judi Wow. Shocking how cruel people can be…

@RedPowerLady Oh, they are absolutely not thinking of the kids! They’re simply bent on revenge, period. The kids are just an expendable pawn to some people, and it’s sickening. Some of the stuff I had to put up with just to shield my kids from it all…..

@Darwin You X SIL is an idiot, and I’m so sorry…..

@Judi Just one question…..did the X realize the papers were going to get served at that time? I mean, did she start the proceedings after the baby died?

I could go on and on and on. At my divorce trial, in which I appeard ex parte because I had no money for an attorney, and had been turned down for a set over so I could have time to find someone to help me, my exe’s probabtion officer was on speaker phone begging the judge to not let him have full custody, not let him leave the country. I was not allowed to even talk it was like being a ghost at my own funeral. Now some years later, my kids want out of there, have figured things out. You just have to try to stay out of the back and forth fighting for the kid’s sake.

@Val123 ; I think she let the process server know exactly where he would be.

Was he served at the funeral?

At the reception following.

OMG. OMG. There are no words to describe a person like that. Pure evil comes closest I guess.

That’s bad form. It’s a selfish act that ultimately hurts the children and provides a twisted example of how relationships should work.

My former wife uses the children to punish me by withholding visitation. It is sad, and difficult for me because I miss being a dad, but it is far worse for the kids, and eventually, for her, because they will grow to resent her. What goes around, comes around.

@pdworkin Sniffles. I’m so, so sorry….

I always wonder what possesses someone to be so vindictive to involve the children like that. I know I’d be extremely devastated and pissed if my husband cheated, and we would divorce..but he’s still a father and I would hope he and I could set up a custodial agreement. But, I’d probably need others to do the child exchange for a while, people like my parents or friends…until the wounds healed.

My X SIL took a left turn from reality about 10 years after she married my brother. Turns out she started having affairs at that point, but waited four years and then announced (at my parents’ house on Christmas Eve) that my brother was a terrible husband and she wanted a divorce.

I think she has hit her second childhood a bit early. She no longer bothers to hide her selfishness at all. That means she goes through boyfriends rapidly, which is bad for us because she agitates more when between relationships, but good for the boyfriends in that they escape intact. She almost married one last year, but I think he figured out what she had told the kids, that she didn’t love him but she was getting old and didn’t want to be alone (she is almost 50).

@Darwin Sounds like she’s nuts. I hope your brother can find a way to get the kids away from her.

they do it because its the only way they can hurt you. they know you’re so over them, its the one thing they can do to hurt…..

@Val123 – He isn’t going to do that because that would be even harder on the kids than what they have to deal with now. However, he does his best to make sure they have what they need and do what they need to do. Once they turn 18 he encourages them to go to college out of town.

She also has told the girls that women have no need to go to college, although she did and makes a good salary because of it. However, we think she says that so she can try to get her hands on the college money – she can’t touch it because it is in a trust and she is not one of the trustees. But that doesn’t stop her from trying.

@Darwin That is just SICK.

After reading some of the horror story, which had made me cry. I also thought how lucky I was as were our children. For the record, I left because my husband cheated on me with my then bestfriend.
It happened only once but that was one time too many. I wanted out.
We both agreed there would be no mud slinging and would not say anything bad about either parent! To this day, neither us has spoken ill of one another! Never….
Our divorce was due to his mistake or misjudgement. NOT theirs. Both of us love our daughters as well as one another. I unfortuneately could never trust him again. He is a loving father, has always been.
I’m very thankful. To this day(25) years later. We are still very good friends! Although his wife still hates me, for what, I do not know, my daughter say because her dad still talks about me. That’s too bad, and I’ve asked him not too.
He was unable to keep his one promise to be faithful to me, but he kept the other. Not to involve the innocent girls…

@sccrowell That is so wonderful. Would that all parents could be that way…

My ex is too lazy to parent his child let alone fuck with my head using his child
he’s not very bright
this is why we’re not together anymore

@Simone_De_Beauvoir In a way you’re lucky. An absent parent is better than an idiot, vengeful parent, IMO. Plus you have a wonderful father figure to take his place.

@Val123 completely agreed
i only wish i knew (i predicted the opposite) that he wasn’t going to be involved…then i wouldn’t have given him half of custody…he fought so ardently for it and is now neglectful of it…it doesn’t make sense

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Power trip. He knew it would cause you stress, so he did it. People suck!

@Val123 nah…I always wanted it too…he’s not deep enough to go on a power trip..some people don’t have that layer

Well that’s no fun! You don’t get a chance to outwit them! (although I can live without that shit too, especially when it comes to the kids)

As is probably obvious from a recent question I posted, my ex is getting into the whole idea of playing head games with me. He swears he isn’t angry with me for leaving (I initiated the divorce, he was none too happy about it, and I made some wrong turns along the way – for which he will never be able to forgive me), but his actions reflect something completely different. He is also fond of telling me that he isn’t doing any of these things to get to me, but it is so incredibly clear from his actions – and explanations when I call him on the behaviors – that it is all about getting to me. It bums me out because the boys feel it and they are honestly the ones who pay the price.

@RedPowerLady I agree with your statement that they probably don’t even realize what they are doing. In my situation I just think the ex is pissed off at me and doing things that involve the kids is a convenient way to get my bubbles up. As an aside, he swore up and down at the beginning – and all through the process – that the kids would always be his first priority and he would never use them. What a hollow promise that turned out to be.

With the help of an incredibly patient boyfriend, an incredibly insightful sister, and of course great advice from The Collective, I am starting to realize that I only control my self and I am going to have to let his actions speak for themselves. My boys are pretty bright, they’ll catch on sooner or later.

@SuperMouse I’m sorry you have to deal with any of this. Perhaps having a sit down with your boys every now and again to see how they are handling the whole thing, without judgment would be helpful. I would have loved that. Been annoyed as any kid is with sit-downs but it would’ve helped.

@SuperMouse All you can do is maintain. Stand cool, stand firm. You have a long haul ahead…...stay the course.

@RedPowerLady I really like your idea of having regular sit downs with them. I am going to implement that and start this weekend. Thank you for that!

@Val123 thanks for the encouragement! There is really no way to prepare for this is there?

No…it’s totally one day at a time. Just keep your final goal firmly in mind. It will all come to light one day, but not until you make it through the rapids. I’ll be thinking of you….

Headgames? that’s normal, I have never heard of a divorce that didn’t have them. I wish my life was as simple and easy as that. On the best days when we both shared custody I needed police escort and witnesses to go pick up my daughter. That was back when things were still good between us and I only got beaten up a few times and they only tried to kill me once. And then things got worse.

Anyway, I think my situation is a bit extreme, because everytime I talk with someone who’s divorced and they say “oh, I bet I’ve been through that too” when I start explaining the situation they are all shocked. Not to mention the endless trials in 3 different countries, the media attention and the political repercussions.

But for more “normal” divorces where one parent tries to use the child against the other (even if it’s a simple, subconscious competition of giving the child too much pocket-money or allowing more chocolate than necessary) then what you have to always remember and focus on is your child(ren). I was always very strict with my daughter, and never allowed her to play us against each other, even though it was a very black & white situation. I stuck to the rules, and she always appreciated that. And I never spoke badly about her mother, even when she would complain about being molested. Even then, I tried to be neutral, tried to somehow avoid accusing the mother and concentrated on the healing itself, rather than the blaming. And my daughter always appreciated that.

So I guess the only advice I can give is love your child and ignore the other parent as much as you can. Live and let live, if you can.

@Jack79 Unfortunately, yes, using the kids for headgames is the norm. But there really are a few good, intelligent people out there who refrain out of love for their children.

@Val123 I think intelligence is only half of the equation with emotional maturity being the other half. My ex is a very smart man but his emotional maturity is stunted at around 12. He just doesn’t have the self-awareness to see what he is doing. Since he can’t even comprehend that he is dong anything wrong, it is impossible for him to see how awful it is for our boys.

@SuperMouse Good answer. I agree. And it seems to me that on average, men never do seem to develop much beyond 18 when it comes to emotional maturity. Ducking now!! Many of them, more than women, don’t seem to be able to empathize with anyone but themselves, either.

@Val123 you must never have met many interesting men

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Could be.

My ex didn’t want to see our daughter on weekends. He wanted to be alone with his new girlfriend. He told me, “you can’t make someone see their child.* She went over there and, when she returned, she said, “I’m never going over there again.” And she didn’t. Heartbreaking.
She never asked him to walk her down the aisle. She walked alone. But I know she loves him and sees him and they ride 4 wheelers on his farm. And he and the GF broke up.