What can I replace my self-loathing with? How can I do that?
On the one hand, I know I don’t deserve anyone’s forgiveness. I believe that when I think about suicide, I am really trying to find a metaphor that expresses the depth of the sadness and emotional pain I feel. It is about shame and self-punishment.
On the other hand, I know there is no “should” to life. It is up to me to make it what I can. I don’t have to judge myself. I could be happy with myself exactly as I am. I tell myself that the reason I judge myself is to kick myself in the ass and get me moving. Clearly this doesn’t work. Maybe I should try something else.
For me, it’s not as simple as “self-love” or “self-acceptance.” It’s about something I can try. Something that is possible for me. Something complex that will allow me to cut through that complexity and find the plain truth at it’s heart.
Or maybe not. I have no idea.