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Brenna_o's avatar

Why do I get so sad about her death?

Asked by Brenna_o (1729 points ) November 27th, 2009

Ok so my best friend Andi died 3–25-09 (Andi rest in peace) at the age of nineteen after having a heart attck, and hitting her head after having an athsma attack. She was in a coma for three day then they had to pull the plug on her :(
I saw her the day before she had the athsma attack and she was totally fine and happy and talking about her life long plan. She seemed totally happy, and healthy (besides the medical issues she had like diabetes, and she was allergic to alot).
Every time I hear the song Cowgirls dont cry by Brroks and Dunn, or the song Tonight by Group 1 Crew I get really sad sometimes to the point of tears (even in school). I dont know how to not get so sad when I think about her. I can look at pictures of her and not get sad but when I think about how she left earth to Heaven I get really upset and cry.
What do you think I should do bout this? Is it normal to still be grieving even after several months?. Any advice?

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17 Answers

Jude's avatar

You get sad because you miss her. What should you do about this? Go with how you feel—cry/let it out. I know that it’s hard/painful. You’re still grieving, Hon.

I’m sorry about your friend. **hug**

Narl's avatar

I’m sorry for your loss @Brenna_o but I think the sadness and crying is completely normal. You miss her and you’re sad. It’s okay. Cry as much as you need to. Just like @jmah said, let it all out.

VohuManah's avatar

From my experience (my grandma passed away last year), the best thing is to think of what she would want. Would she want you to cry? Or would she want you to be happy? Try to vent by writing a journal or talking to someone. But be realistic; it takes time for these things to get better.

rangerr's avatar

I still break into tears after losing my best friend 3 years ago.
I can usually stay calm if I just talk to him and tell him how I feel and that I miss him.
Crying is perfectly okay.
I also still leave comments on his Facebook quite often.

Brenna_o's avatar

@rangerr What do you mean you talk to him? Hes dead? Do you go to his grave stone? Im confused lol.

Darwin's avatar

Grieving can sometimes last for years, but fortunately it becomes softer and less painful over time. Gradually, you start to remember the good things about the person and the piercing pain mellows.

There seem to be stages to grief, but whether you follow Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5-stage list (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance), or Roberta Temes’ 3-step one (Numbness, Disorganization, Reorganization), the one thing to remember is that it is okay to grieve, especially for someone who still had years of life that she should have had. Also remember that there is no completion date to grieving and everyone follows their own timetable.

I think you need to understand that the feelings will occur, and possibly recur. You should try to keep them in perspective and try to understand why you feel a certain way. If there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain, forgive yourself and the person you are grieving. If the pain gets to be too bad, or if grief becomes all-consuming, talk with someone about it.

I am very sorry that you lost your friend. I hope you can progress through your grieving quicker rather than slower, but it is okay to cry.

aprilsimnel's avatar

It once was that a period of mourning was socially acceptable for an entire year, at least, and that took into account the natural period of overt grief, more or less. I don’t understand where people are expected to have complete and total closure after only a few months for any deep loss, myself.

It’s possible to hurt for a long while. And that’s OK. If you can, when you feel the tears coming on, excuse yourself and go have a cry. I’m sorry.

rangerr's avatar

@Brenna_o Well. I figure if he’s dead, he’s in a better place. He told me one time: “I love you, and I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always protect you forever, and forever after that.” Well. It’s his “forever after that” time, so I like to think that he is still watching over me.

He was cremated, so there’s no real place I can go, but I have a necklace that a small amount of his ashes are in, so I’ll hold on to that and just talk like he’s sitting next to me. I’ve also written letters when I couldn’t talk out loud and later burned them (I was told when I was little that if you burned something, the ashes would float to the sky and find that person).

Even if he “can’t respond” I know he’s listening.. so it makes me feel better about the situation.

I hope that makes sense.

flameboi's avatar

well, I’m sorry for your loss…
When we lose someone we’ve been told that after a while everything will get better, but is not true, crying is normal, grief does not have an “expiration date”

jbfletcherfan's avatar

I think the upcoming holidays are going to make you more emotional, too. And that first year of ‘firsts’ is very hard. My sympathies to you.

jamielynn2328's avatar

Crying, in my opinion, is the healthiest thing that you can do. You are dealing with your emotions in a healthy way.

I’m sorry for your loss, and at such a young age. Her death will probably never make sense to you, but always keep her in your heart. That’s where she lives now, and even though it may feel uncomfortable to break out in tears in school, those are tears of love. Good luck to you in dealing with your grief.

Shegrin's avatar

When I was in high school, a terrible car accident robbed us of four of our very close friends. I can identify with you because one girl, Katie, and I were becoming good friends. She and I had lunch together the day she was thrown from the vehicle after it was t-boned by a Mack truck. Awful. We (all the students who knew them) went to 4 funerals in one day. It was really rough and I just have to say that now when I go back to visit my hometown and I drive past that cemetery, I break down every time because the realization that she’s not sharing life with me hits hard. Her untimely death was in 1988. I still have a hard time. It never stops hurting. It just lessens with time. Just remember all the good parts. That’s what she wants for you.

bea2345's avatar

Grieving is normal. Cry if you feel like it. The empty feeling will pass with time and you will remember your friendship as an experience to cherish.

ninjacolin's avatar

I’ve gotta say, i’m a little jealous of your friend, Breanna. I hope someday that I can impact someone else as much as your friend has impacted you. In fact, I hope someone remembers me at all! :)

Honestly, Brenna_o, I don’t think she went to heaven. I never did like that explanation. Really, I don’t think she went anywhere. In my short ignorant experience on this rock we call earth, I’ve learned that everything we know and everything we believe to be true is right up here pointing in our heads. Well, my head specifically, but in your case (i suppose, assuming you’re even a real person and not just a figment of my imagination) it all goes on in your head. And that’s the most important thing really: She’s still here inside you in a very real way.

Your tears tell me that your friend was amazing and a half to you. And it tells me that you’ll never forget her. Every good thing she ever did in her life has impacted yours. The reason you were sad is because you had questions. You’ve asked and now you’re getting answers. Your sadness then, has served an important purpose. But the sadness was caused by her life. And now look.. her life has even made me write this paragraph to you.. notice? She’s still real, still alive, and still a powerful human creature in many ways.. I honestly think she will continue to impact your life positively you get older. In ways you may not even realize until you’re old and gray yourself.

Her death is really just a small small part of her story. In a few years time, you’re going to be able to look back and realize how much of an impact she continues to have on your life and your plans. Good things don’t really go away.. but sometimes they change form. So, I’m going to warn you that if you focus too much on the past, you’ll forget to move forward, you’ll neglect the new her that exists as a direct part of you. So, don’t let all the help that Andi intends to give a bold, confident, forward focused version of yourself go to waste.

Every single memory you have about her were given to you personally by her. So, make sure you’re appreciative. Benefit from her memory, k? That’s the greatest honor we can give to those who mean so much to us.

Brenna_o's avatar

@ninjacolin I do cherish the memories of her soo very much. Your responce made me cry (not badly though) and think how happy her out look on life was and how she donated all of her organs to help other people after she died because she no longer needed them. She helped her friend with her baby boy, and everything. I never realized that she still influences me until I read your responce. Im not sure how to “move on” though. Not really sure what you mean by that either.
I wonder if i talked to her if she would hear me? There is so much I never got to tell her. So much she never expienced that I feel like I should expierence life to the fullest for her. (if that doesnt sound dumb) Has anyone ever felt like that?

rangerr's avatar

@Brenna_o I know what you mean. That’s what I was talking about in my last post.

ninjacolin's avatar

Well, I don’t think she can hear you because.. well, you know, with the whole passing away thing comes the loss of various bodily functions including.. pooping.. and.. well, the whole circulatory system thing.. and hearing definitely goes.. but we take those incidental things for granted in life for a reason. I mean, it’s not like any one little feature (like hearing alone) of the person was important to us. It was what they did with all their features together. The whole package. The whole way they made you feel and everything you learned as a result.

You’re already moving on. Every second that passes, everything you do is done with her memories in tow. You don’t have to put any work into it, don’t worry. It just happens. She’s not the only person who has this affect on you. Everyone still alive today, your parents, sibblings, friends.. their memories affect you too. A lot of dead people affect your life really, like Einstein or Jesus.. Even some fictional people affect your life, like harry potter.

It’s impossible to predict exactly how Andi will affect you as you go along in life. One day you may choose a banana over an apple because of her.. one day you might sign a card to donate your organs at death.. one day you might take a trip somewhere you planned to go with her.. or maybe you’ll have an answer to some odd question when you remember how she once gave the answer to you.. It’s meant to be subtle.. but it’s all very real. She’s a part of you now that will never part with you. All you have to do is try to live the best possible life you can, get good grades, become a respectable person, become a fun person, become a memorable person like her.

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