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Jude's avatar

For those of you who have lost a loved one, how do you get through the holidays?

Asked by Jude (31977 points ) November 27th, 2009

I used to love Christmas, now I just want it to go by quickly. Christmas without my Mom just isn’t the same.

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16 Answers

juwhite1's avatar

One foot in front of the other. Find ways to focus on making it a better holiday season for other people, even though you feel empty and lonely. That helps me feel less lonely when I’m struggling. Reaching out to others is really hard to do when you are feeling down, but it is also the only thing I know of that makes things better. Maybe you can try doing the things your mom would have done if she were still here for your other family members (bake cookies, stuff stockings, special recipes of her, etc). It helps keep your mom in the holiday season, helps keep you close to your mom, and will be very meaningful for others.

RedPowerLady's avatar

I simply try and find a way to honor my son.
I also have an herbal stress reliever that I use when my emotions become too intense.
Is this the first year after your loss? For me that was very very hard.

poofandmook's avatar

We light a candle at the “main” table with Nan and Pop’s pictures next to it.. it helps my grandmother and her siblings feel a bit more comfort with Nan gone. (Pop has been gone for 22 years, so they’ve coped and dealt. Nan is only a couple of years.)

faye's avatar

aah, I lost my father end of October when I was 13. My poor mom tried to make a christmas but our hearts just weren’t there and we agreed to give it up. My brother died in sept so we did make xmas for my kids but his loss was so there. You just do it and talk about who is missing and cry.

chyna's avatar

My father died on Dec. 20th several years ago. For years I hated Christmas and looked with dread each year to the holiday. That made for some very unhappy Christmas’ for me and my family, as they reacted the same. What was really sad was Christmas was my dad’s favorite holiday. After reacting this way for several years, I finally figured out I was only hurting myself. My dad would have wanted us to celebrate the season as he did, with love, fun and gusto for the decorations that he always went all out for. I was only 17 when he died, and it took a lot of years to come to this conclusion. A lot of years that I could have been much happier, but wouldn’t allow myself. Your mothers death will always be the worst thing that ever happened to you, but only you can make it much worse, or just a little bit easier to deal with.

Jude's avatar

It was three years this past May. For some reason, this year is really hard. I just has a cry and I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. It’s that cry from the depth of your soul sort of cry.

Jude's avatar

I’ll be okay.

Thanks, guys.

chyna's avatar

@jmah It’s okay to cry, to miss your mom, to wish she was still here.

CaseyWVU10's avatar

I know it is hard and nothing anyone says will make a difference in the way you feel because we all cope, grieve and get over the loss of a loved one at our own pace. My one piece of advice is grieve at your own pace, there is no “normal” way to grieve. When my uncle passed away, all of a sudden my aunt and some friends felt they were the experts on the grieving process and they always used to tell me what to feel or when to feel it.

So I would say grieve for your mother and remember her in the way that feels comfortable to you. We all deal with grief differently, she was your mother, a women who played a pivotal part in your life for years, to say you miss her and the holidays aren’t the same, is completely normal.

YARNLADY's avatar

For me, the first year is the hardest. I have lost two husbands, and after each one, I was pretty much just going through the motions of living. I had a young son, and had to be there for him, and I had family to help. Most of the time, I was in a fog.

When Mom passed on, I still had my husband, aunts and uncles, and children of my own for support.

Darwin's avatar

While putting one foot in front of the other is a way to get through it, it is better if you can go off and have a good cry, and then go hang out with some little kids. Their Christmas excitement will rub off on you, and help you remember that your mom would have wanted you to have a wonderful Christmas.

RedPowerLady's avatar

@jmah I am so glad you were able to have a cry :)

naivete's avatar

Loss is complicated. I lost my uncle and grandpa in the span of 10 days just over 4 years ago but family get togethers are still hard. I found that laughing about the good times (with family) is a great way to heal together. Dont try to hold back any tears and remember your mother positively. Wish you all the best.

Evelyns_Other_Zebra's avatar

I lost my mom 6 yrs. ago, and i still have a tough time during the holidays, especially Christmas. When the family gets together, we always bring up the fondest memories, and that seems to help us get through the day.

tinyfaery's avatar

As a lot of you know my mother died exactly 7 days ago, so I am just doing whatever feels normal.

I spent Turkey Day afternoon with my dad and a few other family members. We didn’t dwell on her death or our grief, but we didn’t shy away from speaking about her. Then I went to my wife’s parents’ house, like I always do. I had asked that my non-mom in-law to ask everyone not to talk about it so everything was normal.

I have no idea what Giftmas will be like. At this point I’m just dealing her with her death, not the fact that I am spending a holiday without her.

This year I am very focused on decorating for the holidays. My mother loved to decorate for X-Mas, and she and I always shopped together for gifts. I think this is my way of feeling close to her and honoring her, in a way. I don’t know. I’m just going with it.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Know tht your loved one is there with you in spirit.
Remember the good times,and try to set an example for others too.
Write a daily journal..write in it a poem or story or whatever tht you would say if your loved one was present.
Feel greatfull that your loved one had the time that they did with you.

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