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JonathanLouis's avatar

Long distance relationship - confidence?

Asked by JonathanLouis (11 points ) December 7th, 2009 from iPhone

I will try to be as detailed as possible: I was an exchange student to the US and have been involved with an American girl for a year now. We love each other – no doubt. But since I am back in Germany things haven’t been going so well. She feels alone even though we are on the phone at least 10 hours a week. She seems to be so down when I am not talking to her that I end up feeling really guilty about getting of the phone at night. The six hour time difference causes me a lack of sleep and I don’t have enough time for school anymore. I won’t and can’t leave her because she is everything I got and I love her. I want to know how to make her feel more confident about her – OUR future even though I do not want to be too specific because I do not want to make false promises.

I am thankful for every single reply. I want it to be okay.

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12 Answers

frdelrosario's avatar

Get a girlfriend at home, dude. She’s gone.

juwhite1's avatar

That is a tough situation. Is she experiencing a lack of confidence in your future, or extreme loneliness because her other half is missing? The two are very different situations.

juwhite1's avatar

And, Welcome to Fluther!

JonathanLouis's avatar

Well i am not there and she has to deal with college applications and I don’t feel like I can do very much right now to make her feel better but spending endless hours on the phone. Not that I regret that but it is hard for me to keep up with other things over here.

juwhite1's avatar

So I’m assuming you were a high school exchange student, and not a college exchange student. It is hard enough to maintain a high school relationship when the two go to separate colleges within the same state. It may be best to “set her free” so that she can move on and experience more of life… and that is true for you as well. That is a really heartbreaking choice to make, but there is a good possibility that it avoids a lot of unnecessary suffering prior to an inevitable end (assuming you don’t have plans to be back in the U.S. or for her to be in Germany in the very near future).

Iclamae's avatar

Is there any possibility of you two being near each other in the future? Like within the next year?

To be honest, you really can’t let a new relationship ruin your ability to focus in school. If you two aren’t going to be in the same country for a couple of years, and she already can’t handle the stress, you may have to break up for the sake of both your educations and sanity. I know that caring about someone and being far apart can be super emotionally stressful (did it in the summers). If you guys aren’t going to be able to be with each other (physically in the same country), it’s going to be super painful and a stress neither of you need. It may not seem like it, but there are always more girls out there.

poofandmook's avatar

The proof is in the pudding… so to speak. There’s not a whole lot you’ll be able to say to give her that confidence. The only way she’s going to have it is when she’s physically with you, or in contact with you at that moment. My first instinct when people said maybe it’s time to let her go was anger… I’m in a long distance relationship and the idea of someone telling me that is just… ugh. But then, you’re in a different country, and can’t see her every few months like we can. So unless you have the ability to see her a few times a year, and she’s already this upset, I really don’t see much other choice than to let her go. Or… move.

justme1's avatar

Just be as re assuring to her as you can, try to explain to her you need your sleep so that you can go to school and all that so that you can be with her again as soon as you can, of course if you plan on moving back with her someday

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Why don’t you get married, that should help with her confidence about your future, and land you a ticket to get back in the states. I don’t know what german law says about marriage but if you get married to a U.S. citizen you can stay state side. If she is everything you got, you got nothin to lose.

marinelife's avatar

The truth is that long distance relationships are not the same as being there. What about when you both have social events?

It would be best to stay in touch, but not give up your health and life for her. You can only do a limited amount from where you are.

The sooner you and she face this truth, the better. At your ages and stage of life, a future is unlikely. You will both be growing and changing so much in the coming years.

If you are meant to be together for life, you will no matter the distance or the odds, but it might be kinder not to remain tied to each other now when you are so far apart.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

I was in a long distance relationship for two years during high school. I loved my boyfriend with every fiber of my being, but the relationship dragged out longer than it should have, which made the breakup harder, and we ended up not being friends and not speaking for almost 6 months, and now we only speak occasionally. We were too young (and too financially dependent on our parents) at the time to really be able to handle that kind of relationship. It’s sad, yes, but it’s a reality, especially considering that the two of us only had a one hour time difference (although it was 13 hours driving). In retrospect, it certainly was a good learning experience, but it was definitely drawn out too long. There would be nothing wrong with breaking up because you both can’t handle it; it wouldn’t mean you love or respect her any less. You have to do what’s best for the situation at hand, and, cliche as it may be, if it is meant to work out, it will.

eeveegurl's avatar

A lot of good comments from people that have been in LDRs. I’ll tack on one more.

Yes, sometimes you can make it work. I’ve been there, tried it, had my doubts in the beginning, and realized that it CAN work. But – it takes a lot of time and effort, moreso than in a normal relationship. The extra time and effort can often stress of lot of people out, and it doesn’t end well in most cases. Think about it this way – the end result is still the same. If you’re hoping for a real relationship, you’re still looking to live together some day, so that’s the goal that you’re working towards. If you keep that in the back of your mind, and think about whether one of you (or both of you) is willing to make the sacrifice to achieve that end-goal, then you have hope.
it actually didn’t work out for me, but that’s not to say that it couldn’t work out

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