There are so many things I want to do but I am so afraid - emotionally paralyzed: Is the answer to grieve? Will I come through this naturally or should I force it?
I have many dreams and desires for my life, but I feel unable to do them, I am scared of all sorts of things…mainly people…,scared of being scared, it would feel safer to stand still, but I am unhappy.
I know a lot of this fear is because of a serious amount of trauma I suffered as a child and throughout my adult life. I am working through this at the moment with my counsellor and just hitting some really tough times, I’m crying a lot and feel so sad and angry a lot of the time.
Sometimes I can see a better future and see the positive colour of life…but it’s so far away and out of my reach because of the fear. I want to reach out to people and to my future and higher self… the confident part of me….but I just keep getting hurt and I’m so tired of this.
I want to be an artist and a writer and a philosopher and biologist and psychologist and so many other things,...I want to explore so many things, I want to meet fascinating people in person… I live my life through the internet.
ANYWAY: Will I come through this? Will I naturally find some confidence to start putting one foot in front of the other and make some leaps? Will I feel ready at some point…after the grieving is done and anger and sadness subsides… (will it subside?) or do I have to throw myself out there? Do I just have to start… because that just feels so frightening and yet I am yearning for something more…