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TheOnlyException's avatar

Have you ever wanted someone so much?

Asked by TheOnlyException (2174 points ) March 31st, 2010

So much so that you cannot explain it, put reason to emotion or anything. That you have done utterly crazy things just to get their attention, to pass them by and smile at them, ignored friends and family if it meant an extra minute or two with them. Even though it was no good for you, it was going nowhere and would eventually, most likely, destroy more relationships than it would form, you would keep chasing that high you get from them.

Why do I do this when I know I can’t have him? I have just managed to save my relationships with dear friends and loving family, that I pushed so far away, but I still want him.
I don’t want to call it an obsession, but I cannot get him out of my head, and it is distracting me from things that used to make me happy. It’s been months, I always thought I would be over him by now. I’m still waiting.
I feel ill at the thought of not seeing him. Can anyone relate?

I don’t want to go into detail, but it is VERY unlikely I will ever have more than a flirtatious exchange with him. I’ve been in a situation like this once before, but I got him in the end and realised he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be, so I got over it.

If I can’t get closer to him, how can I get over him. I just don’t see how?
Has anyone else been in a similar, seemingly impossible situation like this? How did you get over him/her, if at all? They say time will make it better but I’m scared it won’t, and I don’t have that kind of time to spare, not when I have so much going on in my life that I cannot afford to get distracted from.
The pain is overtaking the euphoria. This really isn’t good.

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47 Answers

Just_Justine's avatar

Well I cant say I have, but perhaps you answered it yourself when you said “Why do I do this when I know I can’t have him?”

Blackberry's avatar

It sucks huh? I just find someone else if it looks like I can’t have them.

TexasDude's avatar

Yeah and I got burned too.

Last time I let those silly emotions get the best of me.

Sophief's avatar

Oh absolutely. My boyfriend, yes even though I have him, I still want him so so much. He is the best thing in my life and nothing will ever compare to him. I think about him constantly, and everything I do, is for him.

Trillian's avatar

Don’t be scared. “They” know what they’re talking about. You’re no biologically different from anyone else. You will get over it. Think about something else in the meantime.
Or not. Wallow around in it and have a nice, long, self-indulgent bath.
Don’t want to call it an obsession? Why not? Sounds like that’s what it is.
Maybe a better question to ask yourself is’ “Why do I have the urge to self destruct and toss away everything in my life that I care about over a silly obsession that will never amount to anything?” And, “Why does this seem to be getting to be a pattern of behaviour with me?”

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I certainly have ;)

Cruiser's avatar

I can relate big time! ;)

janbb's avatar

“Maybe a better question to ask yourself is’ “Why do I have the urge to self destruct and toss away everything in my life that I care about over a silly obsession that will never amount to anything?””

@Trillian Don’t you think if we had the answer to that question, 90% of our novels, films and possibly even music wouldn’t exist?

Trillian's avatar

@janbb ok. Your point.

TheOnlyException's avatar

@Trillian That is some good advice. I didn’t want to call it an obsession, because it makes me sound like a crazy person which i guess i am
But it just feels like if I accept it for that, I am lost.
as @janbb said, i think a lot of romance and lust and whatnot are based on these insane feelings, that we cant think rationally through them. and although i know there are others out there, millions of others, like me, i cant help but feel so isolated :(

TheOnlyException's avatar

@Dibley ah! so the insane desire continues well after you have got him. i guess that is kind of hard, because you cannot bear to lose them. but if it is a successful relationship, then that is the best way to be, constantly wanting them.
you lucky thing :)

CMaz's avatar

Yes, and I am pissed off!

More at myself for wanting someone that is no good.

janbb's avatar

The thing to try to keep in your mind is that it does have obsessive qualities about it, the reality wouldn’t live up to the fantasy, and that it will pass. Easy to say, hard to believe. I know, I’ve been there in the past.

Sophief's avatar

@TheOnlyException It’s the best relationship, we never have argued about anything, we get on so well. The only problem is me, I’m insecure and convinced he’ll leave me. I miss him like crazy when he is at work, and everytime feels like the first time. I can never get close enough to him, I really want him so much.

meagan's avatar

You’ve really got to let him go. I’ve been crazy over a guy who’s basically my soulmate for four years. I’ll never really get over him, but his life is too much for me.
He’s really big into smoking pot and this is just unacceptable for me. He says he’s in love with me… but not enough to stop smoking?
Love is a hard issue. But always put yourself first <3

MoneyMakingMommy's avatar

Yep….sure have – and thank goodness I married him! After 21 years with this fella…I still am crazy about him.

chyna's avatar

Yes, I am in the same position now. Totally ridiculous. Everytime I think that I should step away from this, I step right back into it. I know it can’t go anywhere, but there it is.

Coloma's avatar

You don’t really want the other person, you WANT how you IMAGINE you would FEEL if THEY wanted YOU back! lol

Yep…whew…so glad I am past all the insanity of crazy ‘love’!

I happily pass the torch! hahahaha

Just_Justine's avatar

@Coloma I am so with you. But you know a bit of crazy is good. I kinda miss it :) because I realise that I actually once was crazy for my husband but that was about 300 years ago you know

partyparty's avatar

I think that generally in life we always want the things we can’t have. The more we can’t have the more we want.
It’s only human nature.

nebule's avatar

I’ve wanted to be in love with myself so much….unfortunately I’m still trying to get there. And when I think about it…it makes me weep

TheOnlyException's avatar

@Coloma “you WANT how you IMAGINE you would FEEL if THEY wanted YOU back” that, is, just, woah. Thank you for that :)
I know that is true, but you can’t help hoping that is what it would REALLY be like if you did get them, whenever i try and accept reality it is too harsh and i shy away from it back into the fantasy. it is just so easy.

Coloma's avatar

@Just_Justine

Lol…well…a little crazy is good…just silly healthy crazy not cheese slipped off your cracker crazy! haha

TheOnlyException's avatar

@meagan I’m sorry that you are in that situation. I can’t seem to find anything wrong with my guy, which in a way makes it worse, and harder to let go. But i feel even if he had some major flaws i would just whitewash over them, focus on the good things and let them take over.

@MoneyMakingMommy god i wish i could be like you

phillis's avatar

@janbb Yes, exactly!! Movies and books would be forced to change to something that DIDN’T reinforce fallacious notions of what “true love” really is. I am all for that!! The messages churned out by Hollywood have done more damage to emotional lives than perhaps even world wars, only because wars can be put in the past. We can learn from wars. Hollywood perpetuates lies that set people up for unrealistic-as-hell expectations from people who only had dysfunctional role models to begin with. It’s a double whammy.

I DID have a relationship just like this. We danced the long, slow dance of death for 6 years. We fought…..and we shagged…..and we just about killed each other…..and we loved each other…..but we were never friends. Certainly, he was no friend to me, nor was I what anyone would want in a friend.

And, yeah…. it hurt like a motherfucker to finally make the break. My choice literally came down to whether I chose life or death. And I’m sorry, but unless there are some seriously extinuating circumstances, there is no penis on Earth worth dying a romantic, tragic death for.

But see, the problem wasn’t him – it was ME. I had fucked up views of what love was supposed to be, set against a backdrop of a piss-poor self-image and no appreciable self-esteem. What did I expect was going to happen? THAT is the reason I chose that relationship. I wasn’t accustomed to being loved, so I set myself up to make sure that I was as painfully close to it as I could possibly be, but could never actually HAVE IT.

TheOnlyException's avatar

@phillis “there is no penis on Earth worth dying a romantic, tragic death for.”

AHAHAHA I THINK I LOVE YOU

phillis's avatar

@TheOnlyException It’s all about perpectives, isn’t it, love?

janbb's avatar

@phillis Fabulous diatribe – I completely agree!

TheOnlyException's avatar

@phillis oh most definitely! i just love how you put it. certainly wont forget THAT little nugget… haha thanks for that :)

phillis's avatar

@janbb You could say I had cause to give these things serious consideration :)

wilma's avatar

I have been there, more than I care to admit.
So… from this thread I will be keeping:
@Trillian “Why do I have the urge to self destruct and toss away everything in my life that I care about over a silly obsession that will never amount to anything?” And, “Why does this seem to be getting to be a pattern of behaviour with me?”

@ChazMaz ” Yes, and I am pissed off!
More at myself for wanting someone that is no good.”

@janbb “The thing to try to keep in your mind is that it does have obsessive qualities about it, the reality wouldn’t live up to the fantasy, and that it will pass.”

@Coloma “You don’t really want the other person, you WANT how you IMAGINE you would FEEL if THEY wanted YOU back!”

@Just_Justinebecause I realise that I actually once was crazy for my husband but that was about 300 years ago you know
and finally…
@phillis “And, yeah…. it hurt like a motherfucker to finally make the break. My choice literally came down to whether I chose life or death. And I’m sorry, but unless there are some seriously extenuating circumstances, there is no penis on Earth worth dying a romantic, tragic death for.”

…and for the record, I have had these feelings come and go now a few times. They are under control now, but still can make my heart pound and kick start my libido, so if I can keep it all contained in my minds fantasy world, my husband is the lucky guy who gets the benefits.

TheOnlyException's avatar

@wilma thank you for pointing all those wonderful snippets out of this, really makes this succint and clear :)

janbb's avatar

@all Fluther at its best! Who’d a thunk it!

phillis's avatar

@wilma Ack! I thought I mispelled ‘extenuating!” I love looking ignorant in public, don’t you?

wilma's avatar

@phillis you did, I fixed it.

’‘no penis on Earth…” I’m really keeping that one.

TheOnlyException's avatar

@janbb Agree strongly! :)

Exhausted's avatar

What you describe is exactly what I went through with my first husband, although I “had” him, eventually married him and had two sons with him, it was a mistake. I gave up everything to be with him, friends, family, even my religion. Years after we divorced, I came to realize that I was attracted to the “idea” of love and romance even though there wasn’t any to speak of in our marriage. I was so desperate for someone to love me that when he paid just a smidgen of attention to me, I was hooked. I wasted 11 years of my life chasing after a dream that didn’t exist. It took years of trying to finally be able to walk away from him. It was all about me and not much about him at all, really. I was not in charge of myself. I finally got a grip. Once I found out how to take care of my own emotional needs and not make my emotional survial someone else’s responsibility, I was able to enjoy a healty relationship with someone that was loving and caring.

YARNLADY's avatar

Yes, when I was a teen, but I got over it.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Yes, I have. I still do. And it makes my heart hurt.

Cruiser's avatar

@phillis <<golf clap>>

WolfFang's avatar

You my friend, have a problem. Maybe this person isn’t really all you think they are, just like the other person you had this experience with

aprilsimnel's avatar

You’re not mooning over this guy. You’re mooning over your idea of this guy. It’s a fantasy. Don’t let a fantasy take over your life.

jazmina88's avatar

I, too, am not with my soulmate of over 25 years. we are still part of each others life, but it is destiny that we met, and destiny that led us different ways. You meet many people on this path, and if it is DESTINY for you both to be together, then it will HAPPEN, without you forcing yourself into it.

So move on. Be yourself. and enjoy the journey…....

JeffVader's avatar

Oh yes…. for something like the last 4yrs.

yankeetooter's avatar

Are you my twin?

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