General Question

MayBear's avatar

Can a relationship work with someone in the military?

Asked by MayBear (554 points ) April 1st, 2010

I met this guy through a website who is in the military and he lives in another country. We talk everyday and even video chat. I really like him and am starting to have feelings for him and he has said the same thing. But i think were both afraid of all the bs that usually happens. I really want to take a chance but im worried that it wont work. Anyone have any great advice to give??

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31 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

Not really, unless you are going to follow him around everywhere he goes. This is why military guys are man (and woman) whores.

jaytkay's avatar

Millions make it work.

I wouldn’t be concerned about the military status. I would be concerned about verifying that an Internet acquaintance is legit. And whether you can really know someone you have never actually met.

rangerr's avatar

@blackberry That is a very broad generalization…. A very dumb one at that.

It is possible…
@jaytkay Just beat me to it. Listen to him.

chyna's avatar

@blackberry Uncool generalization calling the military men and women whores.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

My good friend met her current boyfriend online while he was serving in Iraq. They seem to be very happy together – they’ve known each other for over a year I think, and have been in a relationship for several months.

I definitely think it could work. It’s not the easiest relationship to maintain, but if you care enough about each other it’s far from impossible. @jaytkay ‘s answer is good; be careful to really get to know him well before getting into a serious relationship. Having video chatted is a good sign – those who avoid video chatting or talking on the phone are usually hiding something.

Trillian's avatar

@anblackberryim I served my country honorably for fifteen years. In that time I divorced my husband and had two relationships, about seven years apart. Those were the only two men that I slept with. Being in the military does not equate with being a whore.

Snarp's avatar

It’s really about starting a relationship with someone thousands of miles away over the internet, and then trying to take that relationship into the real world, with an individual who could be sent anywhere in the world, sometimes to places you couldn’t go, at the whim of his employer and on very short notice. How far are you willing to travel to meet someone you only know from online, who could be blatantly lying to you about pretty much everything? Can you be serious enough about a relationship with that person to fly halfway round the world to be with them only to find they’re being transferred to a war zone and you won’t be able to see them again for two years?

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I wouldn’t be up for that. But I’m so old fashioned I have never so much as wanted to meet anyone I have “met” online.

Blackberry's avatar

April Fools? Lol…Yeah I know. Regardless of whore-ness or not, it is very difficult and takes an unnecessary amount of work, but if the person wants to do it, good for them.

partyparty's avatar

First and foremost I think you should (somehow) meet up with this person and decide whether you are compatible. Then decide whether you would be happy to follow him wherever life takes him.
If you are happy with that, then follow your heart.

rahm_sahriv's avatar

Providing the site through which you met is real, that the person is real, you can make it work. Such relationships are not for everybody. There might be times when he is stationed where you cannot go or you may choose not to follow him to a duty station due to demands of work or school yourself. You have to be prepared to deal with that. You also have to be mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with him being sent into a combat theater.

I will have to say that NOT all military men and women cheat on their significant others (as another poster indicated). Some will however. There are bad apples in every bunch.

My advice is to get to know this person better, meet him and then make a decision about wanting to try a relationship if you feel you have the fortitude to deal with a military SO.

Pandora's avatar

Since I am married to a former military man and had to deal with the military for 20 years I think I qualify to answer this question. One I agree with @partypartyendrew. Second, the military probably has the highest rate of divorce.
There are many added stresses in the military that you don’t normally have to contend with in a regular marriage.
You have to be willing to put distrust aside whenever he deploys.
You have to be willing to accept that deployments will come at the most inconvient times. Your pregnant, or a childs birthday, or anniversaries, Christmas, and so on.
If he is a lifer. You have to accept that this is a choice he made before he met you and his commitment to his profession and it wouldn’t be wise to make him choose you over his careet. He will resent that and resent you.
There is a lot more, but see where this relationship is headed first and I’ll fill you in another time. Good LUCK

davidbetterman's avatar

Do you mean if your SO is in the military (like in Iraq) and you are having a little relationship on the side?

Blackberry's avatar

@timdavidbettermanendrew No, I think they mean exactly what the question states lol…......

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It worked for my parents.They were married over 40 years.Is that what you want??LOL!

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

You have to be willing to accept long separations with overseas deployments. The living arrangements on and around military bases can be substandard unless he is at least a mid-ranking officer. The military can subject the families of service members to many requirements that seem ridiculous.

As for the “whore” label, all I can say is that I was never unfaithful to my lady. During the last ten years of my military career, we were separated due to deployments more than we were together.

CaptainHarley's avatar

In my own humble opinion, military wives can be the greatest thing since sliced bread. They can do more for their husbands’ morale than five thousand morale officers. Alternatively, the ones who cheat on their husbands rank somewhere below pedofiles.

CMaz's avatar

@anblackberryimen – April fools?!!!

And I gave you a GA.

Pandora's avatar

@timcaptainharleydrewen Wow, I wouldn’t go as far to say they rank lower than a pedofile. Even slugs rank higher than a pedofile. Not all cheating wives are bad. I knew one that was totally devoted to her husband till she found out he was having an affair with someone he worked with and continued to do so as she went through two miscarrages and one almost killed her. Now, I wouldn’t even say he is lower than a pedifile. He rated in between the pedifile and the slug.
She figured turn about was fair play and had an afair with another military guy and made sure everyone knew it. She wanted him to know how it felt. Although it wasn’t close considering she was in a hospital twice losing his babies.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@ben-Pandora-imew

I often resort to hyperbola to make my point. Sorry!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

It depends on what side he’s fighting for. I wouldn’t expect the relationship to go too far if he is a Jihadist. But you never know.

mrrich724's avatar

Well I think that your relationship is based on circumstances under which the two of you are currently facing.

However, it’s going to be a completely new story for both of you once he returns.

Just keep that in mind.

jerv's avatar

It’s hard to do, but not impossible. I met this really cool girl when I was home on transfer leave. She stayed in the VT/NH region while I was in San Diego or on deployment for most of the next 4 years. I got out, three years later we tied the knot, and our 9th anniversary is next month.

@CaptainHarley Nice to know I’m not alone :P

@Blackberry Whores get paid; sailors do it for free :D

Ltryptophan's avatar

One word: Jody.

jerv's avatar

@Ltryptophan I am not that negative for reasons that should be obvious. However, it is rather unlikely and I consider myself lucky.

chelle21689's avatar

stranger in strange land i hope your wife finds out because she doesn’t deserve that…=(

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@chelle21689 ??? She was never unfaithful to me either.

rangerr's avatar

@chelle21689 What in the world are you talking about?

chelle21689's avatar

Oops I’m sorry I read wrong. I thought it said you were never faithful. VERY VERY SORRY!!!!!! I should read better next time…double negatives get to me.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@chelle21689 No harm, no foul ((hugs)).

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